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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be disgruntled that I have effectively lost my inheritance?

117 replies

poppydan · 28/03/2014 17:53

My mother is selling her house, which she owns outright, to by a house with her long term partner, who is significantly younger than her. She will be using the money from her house sale for the deposit with the mortgage and all her living costs being funded by her partner who has a very well paid job (she doesn't work).

She has been with her partner for over 10 years but have never lived together before and do not really get on when they spend long periods of time together - on holiday for example, which makes me sceptical it is the best thing for her (although perhaps my own interests make my view biased)

This is all fair enough, she is entitled to do what she wants with her life etc etc. However, her dp has made it clear that if something were to happen to her he wouldn't want to be in a position where he has to sell the house to enable me/her grand children to inherit her proportion of the house. She had said that she was concerned about this as she didn't want her money going to him (he has very wealthy parents is an only child and is not short of a bob or two). As a solution she was planning on renting her house and funding the move this way but that has now been ruled out as for a variety of reasons is not feasible. What upsets me most is that she appeared ever so concerned about me not losing out but now she has found a property she likes she has put her house on the market and has abruptly informed me that this is the way it is.

Writing this I feel that perhaps I am being unreasonable but a small (quite large actually) part of me cant help but feel this is a little unfair and hurt by it.

OP posts:

SlatternMissesherGrumpyCat · 28/03/2014 18:16

I have to mention this - if the boyfriend is getting a mortgage based solely on his earnings then the mortgage may be in his sole name (rather than joint) and therefor the house will be in his sole name - thus ruling out the option of 'tenants in common' which would allow mother to leave her half share of the house to her daughter.

When there is a mortgage involved there is nowhere near as much freedom to do things. You only get that when the mortgage has gone.

If the mortgage is in sole name and the house too, mother needs to look at how to protect her investment - and that's before even considering the inheritance aspect.

MoreBeta · 28/03/2014 18:17

I know this is not on topic or entirely helpful but frankly this man with a supposedly 'well paid job' and 'very wealthy parents is an only child and is not short of a bob or two' doesn't quite stack up with 'he doesn't want to have to sell the house if your Mum dies'.

Are you sure he actually has any money at all or just looking to get a deposit for a house from your Mum? If he stops paying the mortgage the bank will take everything including your Mum's deposit and she will have nothing.

Maybe you should spell that out to your Mum - especially if she doesn't get on all that well with him after 10 years and they never lived together before.

Does he really support her now or is it just he pays for dinner on the credit card now and then and they share the cost of holidays?

Original poster

poppydan · 28/03/2014 18:20

Slattern

That is good information to know, thank you. How I would bring that up in conversation I don't know though!

OP posts:

Original poster

poppydan · 28/03/2014 18:27

Morebeta

I know he has a very good job and I know his parents are quite wealthy. He is a good bloke in many respects but I know how people can change when money is involved from experience and therefore feel quite cautious about this arrangement in general.

He does fully fund my mum and has done for the past year as she has some health issues which made work difficult for her but I am not sure this is the best for her either as she feels anxious about spending his money (but quite happy to stay with the status quo at the sametime)

OP posts:

FanFuckingTastic · 28/03/2014 18:29

Me and my mum discussed her will face to face, at her invitation. She said even though I am oldest, she hasn't put me as her executor as she feels I would find it too stressful. She has also put conditions in that I don't get a lump sum, but that I'll get a fixed amount in trust and my children will have the same. She said she would protect her assets if she ever got into another relationship.

Other than your mum discussing it directly with you, I don't see what can be done, if she isn't protecting it for you, then either she trusts her partner to look out for you in the result of her passing before him, or she doesn't see it as necessary for some reason. Only you can bring it up with her really.

SlatternMissesherGrumpyCat · 28/03/2014 18:29

Ask about who the mortgage is with, what kind if rate did she get, does she have a financial adviser etc - if she doesn't know much about it I would suspect that is because she hasn't been involved in the process of getting the mortgage. General rule of thumb - mortgage in sole name, house in sole name.

Also, most mortgage companies will enquire as to where the deposit money has come from and if boyfriend declares mother the mortgage company may well ask for your mother to sign a gift waiver (under independent legal advice).

I am in a different jurisdiction but think the principles are the same. Apologies if they are not!

Nomama · 28/03/2014 18:34

You may have to let it go though.

MIL didn't get any paperwork with her name on it when she sank her entire life, house, business etc into the house she moved into with SFIL.

When they both died, within a month of each other, his family took the lot, even suggested DH and sibs were greedy chancers to be shocked the house was not in joint names. SFILs family had not been heard of or met during the 20 years of MIL SFILs relationship and 17 year marriage.

It was very, very unpleasant. But you have the opportunity to come to terms with it now. Maybe even change the situation if you can talk to your mum.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 28/03/2014 18:38

Eh? Im confused.

This is your mother's money. She can do whatever she wants with it. If there is any left when she dies, she may decide to bequeath it to someone. That someone might be you. It might not.

YABU to expect to have any influence on what she spends her money on.

AnandaTimeIn · 28/03/2014 18:40

Even if you inherit a house, never presume it as money in the bank!

A friend's father died 7 years ago. The house has still not sold.....

Nomama · 28/03/2014 18:47

So no-one else would be worried or even a little bit unsettled if their DM did this?

Really?

SwimmingMom · 28/03/2014 19:07

Could you perhaps fix a meeting of you, your DM and a solicitor who can advise her directly instead of you trying to advice her and looking like you are after the money.

The solicitor could advice her on how to protect her own investment as well as how to pass it on to her DC without upsetting her current DP.

GoblinLittleOwl · 28/03/2014 19:40

Never mind about your inheritance (at the moment); your mother needs to secure the amount of money she is investing in this joint property in case the relationship fails, as you seem to think it will; she could lose half her money (joint assets) if his name is on the deeds and they split; I know two women this happened to, and in both cases the male contributed nothing to the purchase or the mortgage.

HolidayCriminal · 28/03/2014 19:48

I'd be cheesed off, OP.

Lorelilee · 28/03/2014 19:51

'My inheritance'. NO, your Mum's money - completely down to her what she does with it. This is one of the things in life that leaves me totally flabbergasted - people's expectation that their parents somehow 'owe' them a pot of cash when they shuffle off the mortal coil. Make your own way in life!

LizLemonOut · 28/03/2014 19:54

YABIncrediblyU her money is just that, hers, and you don't necessarily have a right to it AFTER she dies, never mind before! I hope she finds the house of her dreams and is happy there and hope you can find it within you to stop behaving like a brat

PortofinoRevisited · 28/03/2014 19:55

Agree that she needs to get advice to protect her own assets rather than concentrating on what you inherit.

storynanny · 28/03/2014 19:55

As others have said, these days it is like.y that money is all used to fund our lengthening lives, so not much to inherit anyway.
Of course inheritance is not a right. I do hope to be able to leave my children something but they all know that it may all be gone!
On a lighter note, I was until last year until his death, the only correspondent to and visitor of my only uncle who lived as a recluse. This was at his request as he distanced himself from the rest of his family out of choice. He was widowed years ago, had no children and frequently said that it wasn't fair if his late wife's family inherited all his money as he had nieces, ie me and my sister who he never saw.He was apparently extremely wealthy which I did not know. However I was a bit taken aback to discover that he left all of his money, property, shares etc to guide dogs for the blind. He was not an animal lover and had good eyesight. He left them over £500,000.
Oh well, what I never knew about I won't miss!

flowery · 28/03/2014 19:57

"My inheritance"? You don't have any inheritance to lose until someone actually dies and leaves you money in their will. Until then, it's money or an asset you are hoping someone will leave you, should they still have it at the time of their death.

So YABU to be fed up about "losing" something which isn't yours. However if you were concerned about whether you mother was taking adequate steps to protect herself financially then you would not BU.

AgaPanthers · 28/03/2014 19:58

She can do whatever the fuck she likes with her own money.

BornFreeButinChains · 28/03/2014 19:58

why the fuck shouldn't you feel entitled to some inheritance from your mother!

God I really hope I can leave my children something!

However from your DM point of view I can understand that she is right now alive, with limited funds and wants to enjoy her life rather than taking some sort of knock, just to leave an inheritance, also to do so would be crazy.

if he is so wealthy its a shame he cant fund this move more...

if they are so solid, as your inheritance will get lost in the house.

but you cant expect her to put her life on hold right now, for your future inheritance, any inheritance is a bonus to anyone.

BornFreeButinChains · 28/03/2014 20:00

BTW I have had a few friends in your position, with divorce so prevalent and families splitting up, leaving an inheritance will be very tricky with other people in the property.

ilovesooty · 28/03/2014 20:02

Agree with "flowery"

Original poster

poppydan · 28/03/2014 20:03

Lorelilee

I am making my own way in life - and appreciate and understand your pov. The headline was poorly phrased, I just feel hurt by her swift about turn which I felt was done with no sense of how I might feel (but that is the story of our relationship).

I think I feel more concerned now that she protect herself from a legal standpoint but maybe that is none of my business either.

OP posts:

SlatternMissesherGrumpyCat · 28/03/2014 20:05

I think it is unfair to flame OP for expecting an inheritance.

Personally I am more than happy for my DP's to spend as much money as they want before they depart. They worked hard for it, they should spend it however they want. But I would be very unhappy if a set of circumstances arose that meant that what money was to be left went elsewhere. I have been my father's daughter for 40 odd years and hope to continue to be for many more, whereas if he met someone new and married her leaving everything to her and thereafter it went to her family - of course I would be annoyed.

I think people are being naive if they think they won't be annoyed to see a potential inheritance disappear off to other people they hardly know.

Let me stress I have absolutely no issue on my parents spending money on themselves, it is their money. I would have an issue where their money is distributed elsewhere.

MsMischief · 28/03/2014 20:07

It's one thing making a conscious decision to leave your money to a cat's home or spend it all on gin or spend it on care. It's quite another to unthinkingly disinherit your child and have it all go to whoever your DH decides 20 or 30 years down the line when he dies. The OPs mothers money could end up being inherited by people she has only a tenuous connection or no connection at all. It's a real smack in the face, I think.
I would be really pissed off if I died and all our money ended up going to DH's second wife and our dcs got nothing, although I think it would be fair enough for dcs to have to wait for her death until they got their mitts on anything.

(DH's second wife is hypothetical but you get the idea)

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