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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy condoms for ds(15)?

145 replies

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 17:01

I hope not as I have already done so, although he doesn't know it yet as he's not home yet. He is 15, 16 in sept, he's gay and so this is more a health issue and obv not a pregancy issue.

I suspect he is sexually active and whilst I am very open with him there is obv stuff he doesn't want me to know and fair enough.

I've talked to him in the recent past about how all types of sex is sex and he must use condoms at all times (and his partner) to keep himself safe.

So I have bought a packet and out them on his bed with a letter as I know he would be mortified if I try and discuss it with him again, saying basically that I understand at his age that whilst he might not be sexually active now he might be soon and although as his mother I shan't be encouraging him to have sex I understand it will happen and when it does I want him to have happy, fun , healthy, safe and consensual sex. I think I've done the right thing but now I'm panicking a bit that I've been stupid. I haven't have I???? Part if me thinks if he's old enough to have sex then he's old enough to buy xondoms but then again he's still a child. But I think he's doing it anyway. Without condoms. Which bothers me more! Argh aibu? He's gonna be home soon and now I'm wondering whether to move them???

OP posts:

Olgathebrickshed · 28/03/2014 22:59

Sorry, Meep. I meant I was the one who was sheltered! No offence intended...

DownstairsMixUp · 28/03/2014 23:01

I used to go to Brook places when I was young to get condoms. You sound like a good mum though :)

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 23:19

No offence taken to :-)

The brook. God I forgot about that place. Mine had loads of windey stairs that I hated but the ladies were fabulous

Solo · 29/03/2014 00:08

Just read your Ds's reaction OP and I did this ---> :) heart warming!!

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe · 29/03/2014 00:32

To those asking if people would buy their teen daughters condoms - I think my mum got me one pack and then left me to it as far as buyinh contraception goes, but was always there for advice and support.

I'm 19 and 35 weeks pregnant. I don't blame my mun at all - my boyfriend and I are plenty old enough to be sorting ourselves out with contraception and getting carried away was our fault (although the doctor who refused to give me the pill because she didn't believe I was having sex, I believe has a tiny bit of responsibility) - but I think I'd probably have gotten pregnant much sooner without my mum giving me the support and information.

And sometimes, despite parents best efforts, we're horny teenagers and all the sex ed in the world flies out the window, and no blame can be placed on the parents.

YANBU to have bought them.

ladymariner · 29/03/2014 07:38

I bought ds a packet when he went to a 5day music festival this year, he was 17 then. He hasn't got a girlfriend but when they went last year he was telling me about what they all got up to including how his mate had pulled a girl. He said he hadn't pulled but I thought that if he did this year then I wanted him to be protected.
I'm lucky and very proud of the fact that ds and I can talk about anything, so I just handed him the packet and told him that whilst I was no way endorsing casual sex I wanted him prepared if needed. He also smiled, gave me a hug and that was that. I have no idea if they were used or not, I don't wish to know, but I think I did the right thing.

Shonajoy · 29/03/2014 09:05

You've done exactly the right thing. Very astute not forcing him to share stuff too.

Solo · 30/03/2014 00:42

Moomin that is dreadful behaviour on the part of your GP. I'd be livid!

nevergoogle · 30/03/2014 00:56

I love his reaction. I've gone all misty eyed. He sounds fab, well done.

MoominMammasHandbag · 30/03/2014 00:59

Moomin, the doctor not giving you the pill is shocking.
My DD went on the pill at 16, before she had sex. Surely any sensible doctor would realise that was the safest approach.

Olgathebrickshed · 30/03/2014 21:29

Moomin, there's no accounting for GPs. When I was much older than 16, the GP refused to believe that I wasn't having sex, and tried to convince me to go on the pill. She thought I was lying. I am still smarting from the insult of not being believed.

Loading myself full of hormones before I was having sex would decidedly not have been the 'safest' approach, MammasHandbag. I would be v upset if my DD were put on the pill at 16, and all the more so if she wasn't actually having sex.

What's wrong with condoms, anyway?

FanFuckingTastic · 30/03/2014 21:43

My mum was great about this. She talked to us about it, explained about tampons and showed us (a dry run, not the real thing) how to put them in. She made sure there were condoms available when we were becoming sexually active, and before so we actually had the opportunity to investigate how they worked and feel comfortable with them. She took me to the doctor to get the pill when I was embarrassed to do it alone, and she's just always been comfortable around the subject, so it never made us uncomfortable. And when I fell pregnant at 18, she was so non-judgemental and supported me through getting a termination in a foreign country where I had to go through their system, in a different language.

I plan on being the same. I don't care what any one thinks, I've heard too many stories of people who didn't know what to expect when it came to puberty, sex and pregnancy. If being open is somehow encouraging them, I don't see how, because despite this me and my sister both waited until we were well over the legal limit, and we both enjoy sex now without attaching any hush hush stigma to it. We are in our twenties and thirties now and still open with Mum about it, and I like that. Other mums seemed really scary in comparison with my friends.

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe · 30/03/2014 21:47

I couldn't believe it, and changing doctor wasn't an option because of how rurally we lived at the time.

Thankfully I'm a bit smarter for the experience and ready to get contraception once DC is born!

Personally im not a huge fan of condoms because they feel uncomfortable... But being heavily pregnant is a whole lot more uncomfortable!!!

MoominMammasHandbag · 30/03/2014 21:53

Olga my daughter was nearly seventeen and planning to have sex with her long term boyfriend. I suggested she went on the Pill; I didn't want my daughter gambling her future on the condom skills of an innocent, but doubtless extremely enthusiastic, 17 year old boy. She didn't go on the Pill on the off chance. Not that I see anything wrong with that either to be honest. Teenagers are nothing if not impulsive.

Olgathebrickshed · 30/03/2014 22:00

MMHandbag: don't worry - I had had assumed that your daughter wasn't randomly taking the pill for the fun of it. I disagree with your last sentence, though. Obviously there are loads of teenagers (and adults) who are impulsive. However, there are equally loads who are thoughtful and sensible and who don't need to go on the pill at 16 just in case they happen to fancy an impulsive shag...

theborrower · 30/03/2014 22:26

OP, I think you sound like a great mum.

I remember when I was 16/17 my mum found a condom in my wallet and called me a slut (why she was looking through it I don't know). Dad (being the less dramatic one) had a chat with me while she stormed off - I told him I wasn't even having sex yet but wanted to be prepared for when the time came (which, incidentally was when I was 18 at uni). He seemed ok with that as far as I remember!

Having condoms doesn't mean he'll use them or see it as a green light to try them put, but when he does, he'll be safe.

I also had a C Card when I was younger, definitely check it out! Am glad that being an old married lady normally on the implant means I don't have to shell out for them anymore.

theborrower · 30/03/2014 22:30

Sorry, I mean having condoms to hand doesn't mean he'll see that as a green light to go and try them out. Hopefully he will use them if he needs to. You know what I mean.

ProtegeMoi · 31/03/2014 01:30

You did the right thing and your son sounds ace! I got pregnant at 15 having no clue about protection. She's 11 now and I fully intend on making sure she is able to keep herself safe when the time comes.

Education, information and giving them the tools to protect themselves does not encourage or even condone them having sex but many will anyway and at least by protecting them you avoid teen pregnancy and worse HIV.

Embarrassment is always better than that!

RealAleOpenFiresandSteamTrains · 31/03/2014 02:36

Because everyone waits till they are legal don't they.

Yep, because I wasn't interested in having sex. first had sex @ 21

Teenagers have sex - fact

False - not all of us did have sex as a teenager - see above.

MexicanSpringtime · 31/03/2014 07:50

Right on! A friend of mine just had a jar of condoms in the bathrooms. It's nothing to do with when one thinks they are old enough to have sex, they are unlikely to tell us when they have it, the important thing is to keep them safe.

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