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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy condoms for ds(15)?

145 replies

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 17:01

I hope not as I have already done so, although he doesn't know it yet as he's not home yet. He is 15, 16 in sept, he's gay and so this is more a health issue and obv not a pregancy issue.

I suspect he is sexually active and whilst I am very open with him there is obv stuff he doesn't want me to know and fair enough.

I've talked to him in the recent past about how all types of sex is sex and he must use condoms at all times (and his partner) to keep himself safe.

So I have bought a packet and out them on his bed with a letter as I know he would be mortified if I try and discuss it with him again, saying basically that I understand at his age that whilst he might not be sexually active now he might be soon and although as his mother I shan't be encouraging him to have sex I understand it will happen and when it does I want him to have happy, fun , healthy, safe and consensual sex. I think I've done the right thing but now I'm panicking a bit that I've been stupid. I haven't have I???? Part if me thinks if he's old enough to have sex then he's old enough to buy xondoms but then again he's still a child. But I think he's doing it anyway. Without condoms. Which bothers me more! Argh aibu? He's gonna be home soon and now I'm wondering whether to move them???

OP posts:

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 21:08

Crumbs! Thanks meep and others supporting me. Yes teenagers have sex, of course they do, they also do all kinds of other stuff we'd probably rather they didn't. I'm not worried about whether he is or isn't when he is a few months short of the age of consent. As far as I know he isn't having penetrative sex but if he is I want him to be prepared. And I would do the same for my younger Dc too. He came out to me when he was nearly 13, that takes massive strength and bravery and is a sign of how he trusts me and the bond we have. It means that my kids tend to tell me stuff and they know I don't judge. And that's really important imo.

OP posts:

RunLikeSomeFeckersChasing · 28/03/2014 21:13

He sounds lovely op, takes after his mum.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:13

Your welcome ken you sound like an amazing Mum. One which many have expressed their mothers were more like when it came to things like this.

For those shitty posts you've received buy him the damn lube too

Janethegirl · 28/03/2014 21:15

Better to buy him lube than have him steal yours....

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:16

Ooooh surely he would not dare?!

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 21:16

Yeah and while I'm at it ill but him a goody bag from Anne summers

OP posts:

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:17

ooops many have expressed wished*

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 21:17

Argh buY not but!

OP posts:

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:17

Ken can you be my Mum please?

DoJo · 28/03/2014 21:22

Sorry - haven't read the whole thing, but if you are feeling like you are giving him the green light, or encouraging him in any way to do something he might not otherwise do, then think about this:

Do you really think that any teenager ever had sex for the first time, or indeed any time, thinking 'I bet my mum would approve of this'?

By arming him with what he needs to stay safe, you are not only protecting him, but you are demonstrating that you are on his side and that you accept his choices and trust him to make the right ones. I can't think of a way that could be a bad thing.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:31

Dojo I would bet my life that no teenager ever thought that

Olgathebrickshed · 28/03/2014 21:32

I am really quite surprised by this. I'm not sure that trusting a child to have sex is what I'd call trusting them to make the right choices. I'd say that giving condoms to a 15 yo is more like trying to minimise the potentially harmful side effects of a pretty bad choice.

It's also sad, the way that some people are so keen not to judge that they seem to assume that all teenagers have sex all the time...

HenriettaPie · 28/03/2014 21:33

You can get cheap condoms in home bargains- proper durex ones are 12 for £2.99

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:43

I know what I was up to at that age and let's just say my Mum would have missed the boat on that one if she had given me condoms at that age. Although I would have hugely appreciated that she accepted that I was becoming an adult and she wanted me to be safe.

NOBODY on this thread has said that all teenagers are having sex at 15 but millions are, is it not better for them to be safe if they are than blundering into it too embarrassed to have bought any form of contraception so just go with the flow? I did that and was damn lucky not to have fallen pregnant at that age or caught anything, although my only partner at that age had been a virgin same as me so highly unlikely but you never know if someone is being 100% truthful or not.

Also instilling in teenagers the importance of contraception is a massive deal. I didn't have that and went on to have further unprotected encounters in my late teens on occasion if it wasn't available. It's risky and potentially very harmful but I didn't quite get how serious it could be. It wasn't until I met my ex husband that I insisted on condoms and have done with every partner since.

Equipping a young man with the items necessary to protect himself is bloody good parenting. It doesn't mean he'll go out and shag the next guy he see's but it means that when the time comes that he will make that decision he will have the correct method of protection to safeguard himself.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:44

That was to olga

CarolineGB · 28/03/2014 21:45

Don't worry about it - I think you have done the sensible thing, including the letter, it might make him die with embarrassment, but you are right to offer an explanation . Condoms are REALLY expensive, he should be able to get them from his local youth centre / young peoples centre for free, he will need to have a chat with a worker in order to access these, then he can be issued with a 'C' card which means he can get condoms the next X number of visits without suffering the indignity of 'the talk'! However, not all areas use the 'C' card.
On a lighter note, I'm a youth worker and get to do 'the talk' on a regular basis, last week I had someone pass out on me whilst issuing - I wasn't sure whether to be appalled at myself or really impressed! I wasn't being that graphic!
Also, great urban myth, if you microwave a condom for 15 seconds (NOT IN ITS PACKET!!!!) apparently you can stretch them over a full sized post box - should anyone have the urge to try this out - let me know the result :-)

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:48

caroline I don't have a postbox in my house but I do have a condom, a microwave and many items of furniture.

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 21:54

Meep I am actually almost but not quite old enough to be your mum . That's quite depressing !

OP posts:

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:57

Caroline 100% a myth

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 21:59

AchOP age is just a number. You could adopt me

I must warn you though, I come with an almost 3 year old who's strops put Sharon Osbourne to shame.

Olgathebrickshed · 28/03/2014 22:00

MeepMeep, that all makes good sense. I suppose it depends on the teenager and the parent and all sorts of other factors. I'd have been grossly insulted if my mum had handed me a condom (I'd have thought she was mad if she seriously thought I had nothing more interesting to do than have sex at that age). Happily, our relationship was (is) completely brilliant, so she had more sense. Or maybe I didn't feel the need to have sex at a young age precisely because my great relationship with my mum (and the rest of my family) meant that I didn't feel any kind of need to boost my self-esteem in that particular way. Who knows? I was happy to stay at home when I was a teenager, and mine seem to be the same. But others are very different.

Despite never having been offered condoms or any kind of contraceptive advice by my mother, I never had unprotected sex until I was ttc. I somehow managed to find out all about STD and so on despite being 'sheltered' and despite spending my entire school career at a girls' school... The information is out there, and you can't really avoid it.

I do also think on the whole that if you're old enough to be (thinking of) having sex, you should be old enough to sort out condoms.

CarolineGB · 28/03/2014 22:02

Meep - rubbish :-( quite sad about that, its a great myth though

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 22:09

I'm not saying I was sheltered most probably a bit stupid and too damn proud to admit I needed a bit of guidance. I have an absolutely amazing relationship with my parents and brother and had an amazing family growing up. I went off the rails a bit but that wasn't to do with boosting my self esteem. I had sex because I wanted to. I was a very early developer and my hormones got beyond out of control. That isn't a reflection on my parents in anyway.

I appreciate you say that if you are old enough to think of having sex you should sort protection out but that isn't the case with so many and they will do it anyway so why not equip them with it instead? I know I will with my daughter.

I'm not for one second saying I am the norm but I definitely am not the exception either and apparently under age sex is on the rise so yes speak to your kids about sex, speak to them about the importance of who it should be with and why. But also give them the protection they might be too embarrassed to get themselves.

One of my friends is my age (25) and has an 11 year old daughter. She will be 12 one month after my friend turn 26 (one month before I do). I would rather my daughter not be in that position than have a few possibly awkward chats about sex and protection.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 28/03/2014 22:12

Well said meep.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 22:53

Thank you moomin

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