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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To buy condoms for ds(15)?

145 replies

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 17:01

I hope not as I have already done so, although he doesn't know it yet as he's not home yet. He is 15, 16 in sept, he's gay and so this is more a health issue and obv not a pregancy issue.

I suspect he is sexually active and whilst I am very open with him there is obv stuff he doesn't want me to know and fair enough.

I've talked to him in the recent past about how all types of sex is sex and he must use condoms at all times (and his partner) to keep himself safe.

So I have bought a packet and out them on his bed with a letter as I know he would be mortified if I try and discuss it with him again, saying basically that I understand at his age that whilst he might not be sexually active now he might be soon and although as his mother I shan't be encouraging him to have sex I understand it will happen and when it does I want him to have happy, fun , healthy, safe and consensual sex. I think I've done the right thing but now I'm panicking a bit that I've been stupid. I haven't have I???? Part if me thinks if he's old enough to have sex then he's old enough to buy xondoms but then again he's still a child. But I think he's doing it anyway. Without condoms. Which bothers me more! Argh aibu? He's gonna be home soon and now I'm wondering whether to move them???

OP posts:

Solo · 28/03/2014 18:13

I don't know, but if he has PHSE classes, he should get a C card.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 28/03/2014 18:14

c card definitely, google your family planning service locally and there should be a list of places participating or where he can drop in to get them. In my town we have a young peoples advice centre where they can get them and several other places with a symbol on for young people friendly service. He will need strong ones if he is participating in penetrative sex. My DS1 used to put in an order for his condoms as I worked alongside the chlamydia screening service at one stage so could get him huge bags full with glow in the drk and flavoured which highly amused him. lube too. all used to be given out in discreet paper bags at student fairs you have certainly done the right thing.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/03/2014 18:21

I think YANBU at all in fact I think it's a wonderfully supportive and lovely thing to do. Yes he may not want to sit down and discuss the finer points of his sex life with you but a gesture like this sends a message that you accept and support him and he'll know that you will be there of there is anything he does want to talk about with you.

I just wish all parents of gay teens were as super!

Beanymonster · 28/03/2014 18:23

The c card can be used in a load of random places! There's a youth enquiry service in my town, you just hand over the card, they sign it and give you a paper bag with condoms in.. You literally don't have to speak if you don't want! Sti clinics (usually at local hospitals and gps) normally do then as well. In fairly sure there's a website which should direct you!!

WhisperingShadow · 28/03/2014 18:30

My sister works with young people. She gave us a large brown bag of condoms for DSS 17 when he got a girlfriend. Not sure how he felt knowing they were from his stepmums sister! But he told us when he lost his viginity. So not too embarassed.

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 18:32

Oh god well he's home and gone straight up to his room so I didn't have a chance to warn him. Will update on reaction later!

OP posts:

Catsize · 28/03/2014 18:32

My mum works at various family planning clinics. They give out all sorts of varieties of condoms for freeeeee (well, paid for by ye olde taxpayer of course!).
I think that extra strong condoms are recommended for anal intercourse. But a pp is right- not all gay men are interested in this, and it may be worth stressing to your son that that is okay too.
You sound like a great mum. Yes, he is underage, but if he is likely to have sex anyway, better to be safe.

Catsize · 28/03/2014 18:34

And it reminds me of the time my mum sent my brothers off on a scout camp to Russia with 100 condoms each. They were to distribute them there, as they were difficult to get hold of for Russian people. Think my brothers were 12 and 14.

neverthebride · 28/03/2014 18:34

I think you did the right thing.

C-cards aren't applicable everywhere and even though a lot of family planning places give out free condoms they obviously can't afford to have bowls of condoms on display which anyone could help themselves too.

You usually have to go in and have an albeit informal and non-judgemental chat.

That was fine for me as a (reasonably confident) 15 year old but won't apply for every young person.

A couple of years ago I had a 15 yr old on my MH caseload who was sexually active but shy with strangers. Even as a Nurse I couldn't access free condoms and every young person clinic I called said they wouldn't give them to me but would be happy to give them to him if he just popped in and asked for them. He wouldn't ask for them though!.

The idea that if he's old enough to have sex, he's old enough to buy condoms doesn't take into account how expensive condoms are!. And yes, ideally sexual maturity would develop at the same rate as the ability to talk to an unfamiliar adult about private issues but it doesn't always work that way.

There are many adult males and females that feel uncomfortable about talking about their sexuality with HCPs.

ilovecolinfirth · 28/03/2014 18:36

You sound like an amazing mum. He's lucky to have you. Yes, he might initially be embarrassed but I really think it will make your relationship even stronger in the future.

specialsubject · 28/03/2014 18:40

I also think that you buy him the 'starter pack' and make sure he knows where he continues to get them from.

grown up games need grown up attitudes to dealing with it.

Back2Two · 28/03/2014 18:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 18:47

Aw my heart goes out to the lad now sitting modified in his room unsure whether he will ever look at his mother the same way ever again

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 18:47

Mortified not modified

Bloodyteenagers · 28/03/2014 19:19

I have a basket in a cupboard upstairs. Easily accessible with a load of condoms in. Started it a few years back. The teens all know it's there and why. Even their mates know it's there and have asked my lot if they can have some.

Have a look on Amazon. Around a fiver for 12.. I am lucky though, we have someone come in to work often from an advisory service and because he knows that the clinics near us are terrible, he gives me loads.

Not all areas have great links to clinics. Most of ours run during the day, so not too good for people in education/work. There's one after 3:30 but again this assumes that you don't have education/work.

Not all areas operate the c card either.

londonrach · 28/03/2014 19:24

My mum gave me some when I went to uni. I was shocked but appreciated I was growing up. They didn't get used for a few years.

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 19:25

Haha bloodyteenagers I could just imagine the look on my colleagues faces if a man walked in with a load of condoms for me

londonrach · 28/03/2014 19:25

You amazing mum and I don't think he say anything.

Elfina · 28/03/2014 19:32

YANBU. How lovely that you and your son enjoy such a relationship.xx

BertieBotts · 28/03/2014 19:33

Family Planning Clinic definitely. My friends and I used to get given HUGE bags - I mean, literally, you'd have about 50 in there whenever we got a prescription for the pill or even if you just walked in and asked. They gave you a selection of different types We blew most of them up like balloons and tried different ways of popping them

Boots usually have them on 3 for 2 or BOGOF. Make sure they are British Kite Marked (The combined B and S in a heart shape). Some sold in corner shops etc are dodgy and don't carry this mark, it means they haven't been tested as stringently.

BertieBotts · 28/03/2014 19:36

Actually I thought that the extra strong ones were advised too but apparently not - it says on the packet "These are not designed for anal sex".

May be a cringeworthy conversation to have, but worth telling him that it's also possible to catch STDs from oral sex and it's best to use a condom or dental dam. NO idea where you'd get a dental dam from, and in actual practice nobody I know has ever used any kind of protection for oral sex, but really you should.

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 19:52

Bertie I actually have had that very conversation with him. I told him stis can be transmitted via oral sex and he must use a xondom for that too. Not too embarrassing a conversation. Well not for me anyway!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 19:54

Update: he came downstairs after a couple of minutes and smiled and nodded at me and I said 'you ok? Is that ok?' And he said yes and thank you and I said 'I thought that would be the best way' and he said 'I think you handled that very sensitively mother' . Bless him.

OP posts:

MeepMeepVroooom · 28/03/2014 19:55

Aw what a sweetheart.

Original poster

Kenworthington · 28/03/2014 19:56

How the chuff am I meant to find the ones suitable for anal? I'm not bloody asking that in my local sainsburys!

OP posts:

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