To ask DH's family not to buy unbirthday gifts?

[jaybirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

DH's family always buy the non-birthday sibling a present! I believe this takes away from the child who's birthday it is and they have to learn it's not all about them for one day of the year!

DH hasn't got strong feelings on the subject, but his family are the sort who don't talk about things that bother them for fear of offending each other! So he says it's just the way they are!

AIBU to ask them not to do it? It's DD's birthday soon and I know DS will be bought presents from GP and SIL's (x2).

This thread has really made me think what to do when i have two children. My brother and I share a birthday (9 years apart) so we always had actual birthday presents on our birthday. I dont think i will do unbirthday presents. I have always wanted my own birthday. Plus im pg and due date is my birthday so we now have to share three ways (potentially).

I am sure the birthday child knows it is all about them, and their birthday - they get the cake etc.

I wouldn't feel my birthday wasn't special if other people were given presents as part of celebrating MY birthday. I doubt the birthday child cares what anyone else is doing as long as they have their presents!

If it is so well established in your DH's family that several members do it, it's their family tradition. Why is yours more important? You will cause much upset if you ask them to stop what they enjoy and do in good heart.

t isn't that big a deal - relax and leave well alone.

Some people think this is a non-issue but others think it is an issue. IMO it would be courteous of GPs to check first.

The people who think it is a no-issue wouldn't even thing to check first because they are doing something kind and nice, why would they need to check?

Do people who dictate when people are allowed to give their dc gifts also dictate what the gists should be (or not be)?

I would never dream of telling anyone when, what or why they should or shouldn't give my children gifts, they are my children but I don't control every tiny detail labout their life.

Wotta Perhaps you have never had people being continually nasty to you (as I have) - that's why I don't let "trivial things" go, as you put it.

I don't see why I should pander to other people's daft ideas just to keep them happy.

You don't know me or anything about me so you have no idea if live (I take it you mean life) with me is not the most enjoyable of experiences

What Blu said, three posts above.

Seriously sorry I rattled your cage Baby but I was honestly only bouncing off what you had said as pretty much paraphrased by:

I don't see why I should pander to other people's daft ideas just to keep them happy

Apart from anything else, as we have already established, it is far from unanimous that the giving of unbirthday presents is 'daft'.

You don't know me or anything about me, this is of course true but as I said I was only going on what you said about yourself. Equally you have no idea how much nastiness I have put up with (and still am for that matter) so we'll call it even stevens.

I take it you mean life, fair point, well presented, but actually I meant to say living! What am I like!!!

My grandmother always did this for my brother and me. It is one of my sweetest memories of childhood and of her.

My grandmother always did this for my brother and me. It is one of my sweetest memories of childhood and of her

^^ This

As I say, I have no strong views on the matter: do it, don't do it, mega meh, but it is absolutely beyond me that people are taking 'daft' 'nasty' and controlling' and fearing lasting consequences on the behaviour of their DC from this (imho) very harmless little practice.

Sorry Wotta if I sounded pedantic and bad-tempered. I've been on here a few times and got shot down in flames from the judgey-pants wearers so I tend to take negative comments to heart.

Each to their own, I suppose

Does anyone have a negative childhood memory of having to share their "special day" with their siblings? It seems mumnetters who have been subjected to unbirthday gifting have nothing but fond memories of it.

I prefer people do not get my unbirthday child a gift for the same reason many give...it's good learning to understand that sometimes you take a peripheral role.

Also though, that sibling does get a special day anyway - cake, decorations, visitors, games, party bag....I don't see the need for a gift too. I hope they can get some enjoyment from the giving part - doing something special for their sibling in and of itself.

Besides mine are close enough that mostly any gift for one is in practice a gift for both, so definately it's not necessary.

Oh, but that said I wouldn't make an issue out of it with in laws....pick your battles.

Babymummy

whether it's your birthday or not

Thanks

I had never even heard of this before MN tbh I think it's rather odd and I would be quite surprised if it happened but if you want to do it I'm not going to strangle myself with my judgey pants

I think it would be quite rude and ungrateful to say something to be honest. I wouldn't buy my own children unbirthday gifts, but I wouldn't object if others do. sil buys both her girls big pressies on the others birthday as otherwise they would be very upset (they are 8 and 6) - I don't want my children becoming like that!!

Thanks for all replies obviously a contentious issue! My family never did this so that's why it's odd to me. On my DB's birthday my mum took me out for me to choose something I wanted to give to DB. I was always excited to see him open my present and his reaction to it, never crossed my mind I was being 'left out' not getting a gift too.

However, DH's family do unbirthday gifts. They are also the type of family who at Christmas get the child a big gift from mum, one from dad AND one from Santa, that's 3, yes THREE big presents (don't get me started on that). Anyway as some of you have said it is their tradition and I should respect that.

I also agree with those of you who have said I shouldn't say anything to my in-laws, but talk to my LO's when they are old enough to understand all this madness . So I will let their GP's do it if they wish. However I may politely and lightheartedly say to my SIL's that it's not necessary but will not force the issue. Thanks for all your advice

I can see your point but mine kids are small. Grandparents always give non birthday siblings a colouring book or small toy (not wrapped). It stops the arguments over wanting to play with their brothers new things.

My grandmother always did this for my brother and me. It is one of my sweetest memories of childhood and of her. Mine will have that memory of their grandma too. The child whose birthday it is never seems to mind as they have plenty of their own.

yanbu BUT i think you should just leave it I am sure the birthday child knows it is their birthday and the inlaws just like to treat them al I dont agree with it and would never do it, but I wouldnt rock the boat about this

Badvoc,so how do you explain where the gift came from that you 'give later as a treat'?
You saying 'making it hard for them',makes me very sad and uncomfortable.Just say no gifts at all.

He's their relative. They like him. They want to buy him a present. You don't own him.

And what Blu said about being part of his father's family's tradition.