To ask DH's family not to buy unbirthday gifts?

[jaybirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

DH's family always buy the non-birthday sibling a present! I believe this takes away from the child who's birthday it is and they have to learn it's not all about them for one day of the year!

DH hasn't got strong feelings on the subject, but his family are the sort who don't talk about things that bother them for fear of offending each other! So he says it's just the way they are!

AIBU to ask them not to do it? It's DD's birthday soon and I know DS will be bought presents from GP and SIL's (x2).

Also it's up to them how they spend their money, would be rude of you to ask them not to.

yabu, they are trying to stop the other sibling from feeling left out. Saving arguments later on, which has got to be a bonus.

Aslong as it is only a small gift that is of lower price than the birthday child's gift then I see no problem here.

Unless they are born on the same day, then its just plain ridiculous.

This sort of thing actually makes me laugh.

It is ok for 'poor jonny' not to be involved you know.

I don't think you can control what other people do. It's obviously a tradition in your DH's family - why would you want to stop that?
For some people giving gifts is a way of showing their love. I would accept the gifts for your children in good grace. For me it would be rude to do other wise.

I don't see what damage it can do to your children but refusing the gifts could damage massively the relationship you have with your in-laws.

I do this for a friend...she has 3 children, 2 within a day of each other ( no family) so when I take a pressie round for the two I always buy a token for the other...

To be honest I don't think getting a few pressies from Relatives takes away from the specialness of a birthday

I have a friend whose family always did the presents for everyone thing and she has asked her parents to limit themselves to very token presents for the non-birthday grandchild because she hated the fact that as a child there wasn't even one day where she was allowed to feel slightly more special than her siblings.

I cant see the point in a token present.

Small children dont really understand what things cost so a thought through present is a thought through present. If it hasnt been thought through then it is just a bit of tat so will be tossed aside.

I tend to think these sorts of gifts are all about the giver. They want double the gratitude.

I wouldnt have an issue with it personally. You see posts on here all the time re people moaning that their adult birthday was not special enough, the gifts were too small etc and that obviously comes from how they celebrated as a child.

Let them have their traditions, am sure you have your own. Be grateful they care and are lucky enough to have living grandparents.

Most people enjoy buying a gift for children, then you read mumsnet and find out the parents either take the gift away, swap it, regift it and spend vouchers and money on other things.

I'm 35 and my family did this growing up. It was always a small token and given after the birthday child had had theirs and been fussed over. I loved it. I hadn't realised it was unusual. I do the same with mine.

So can I just ask, when its yours or your dps birthday, do the children also get given presents?

If not, why not?

at those who say having a special day to yourself as a child makes you complain about not getting enough gifts as an adult.
I had my special day as a child and have no problem with receiving no giftsas long as there is a birthday cake
My pil wanted to do this and I put my foot down straight away and said it wasnt happening. My Dcs are not grabby and entitled as a result.
YADNBU

We have 4 dcs and the birthday child gives a small present to the siblings - a pack of cards they are collecting, a comic etc and it works brilliantly for my family. The siblings are a bit distracted from having to watch the birthday child get a mound of gifts, the birthday child loves being 'generous' and all is well. And yes, on big birthdays for me and dh, we do a little party bag with the cake for the dcs. So shoot me.

I'm divorced and live alone, so I can't comment on partners birthdays but I was the youngest of 5 kids and the eldest was 12 when I was born, so I could already see with my own eyes that the unbirthday presents were only when you were little, as he no longer got them, it stopped by the time I was 9 or 10.

I love that idea Saturday.

Yabu. It's a lovely thoughtful thing to do. My mil always does that, and I think it's kind. It's just a small thing that she hands out to the other two, but it makes them feel loved and thought of. I have no problem with that.

YANBU to have a different opinion on gifting but I think you are BU to expect it to always be your way. My parents allow things I might not or do things differently when they see DCs. I can either trust them and like their having a relationship separate from me or I can try to control the minor things, get stressed over them and take the fun out of birthdays just to win a small argument.

Well coward that I am, I got DS an unbirthday gift last year on DD's first birthday "just in case". I did not want the day spoilt by a meltdown. It was totally unnecessary - he enjoyed the day, loved the cake and singing, played with her pressies and his unbirthday gift/token got quietly put away for a month and then presented to him on his birthday along with his other presents.

I was just a bit proud of him and will be trusting him to be the generous lovely boy I know him to be this year as I will with DD.

My sister and parents do this.

A few years ago it started out as just one small gift for the sibling - fine, I think that's nice.

THIS year for ds1's birthday, it's progressed to ds2 being given a pile of stuff, just as much as ds1 had. I have issues with the quantity of stuff they buy for the ds's birthdays anyway, but having a PILE of gifts for the non-birthday child is just nonsense.

I don't buy anything for the non birthday children btw. They don't expect it. It's just mil's wee party trick, with which I take no issue.

I agree it isn't a big deal. When a child is two or three a year is a long long time. I can't see the harm in a small gift when it isn't their birthday.

Why not let them do what they like, and you do what you like?

I can either trust them and like their having a relationship separate from me or I can try to control the minor things, get stressed over them and take the fun out of birthdays just to win a small argument.

Absolutely my view on this too. I have no problem with my mil, so it wouldn't occur to me to get annoyed or feel the need to stamp my authority on it. It's up to her if she wants to do it.

Children need the life lessons early on that not everything in life is about/involves them. Life is just not like that, not in a normal society.

I only know of one family who did this, and now their children are grabby, precocious and have been brought up to believe everything is about them.

Its not pretty, and myself and friends actually feel a bit sad for them that that lesson wasn't taught from day one.

Why not let them do what they like, and you do what you like?

Or that. Works for us!

I'd never heard of "unbirthday" gifts until I got married and got told off by MiL for not giving nephew a gift. I told her that it detracted from the actual birthday occasion and that the other child should just learn from it.

Otherwise, do we give "unwedding" presents to everyone at a wedding just so they don't feel left out etc etc.

Nobody in my family has ever done unbirthday presents so I assumed it was an English thing.