To ask DH's family not to buy unbirthday gifts?

[jaybirdsinginginthedeadofnight]

DH's family always buy the non-birthday sibling a present! I believe this takes away from the child who's birthday it is and they have to learn it's not all about them for one day of the year!

DH hasn't got strong feelings on the subject, but his family are the sort who don't talk about things that bother them for fear of offending each other! So he says it's just the way they are!

AIBU to ask them not to do it? It's DD's birthday soon and I know DS will be bought presents from GP and SIL's (x2).

My two girls are 20 and 16, we always got a small present for them when it was their sister's birthday. They have grown up to be neither grabby, spiteful or thinking that life is all about them. I think it would take a whole lot more than an extra present each year to create a child like that. My two girls are thoughtful, kind and very generous.

McPheezing for their children to turn into grabby precocious adults, their upbringing to create that, had to be about more than a small token unbirthday gift a couple of times a year?

I wouldn't assume from one family turning out like that, all adults become that way from a small token gift? Or maybe I'm misunderstanding you here.

I've seen this in so many places and I don't get it. It's their birthday another day, let the birthday kid have their day!

I'm one of five, we managed when it was the others birthday! Kids have to learn it's not all about them all the time, others get their day too. IMHO it makes kids expect things.
I know someone who still does this and the kids are over 18!!

We don't do this, and I do find the concept a bit odd, but I have a rule about not upsetting or offending people unnecessarily so I'd let it go.

It really really won't damage your children in any way, so why not embrace the tradition, which is after all coming from a place of kindness, consideration and love?

Really the bigger issue for me would be the idea of the birthday child stamping their foot about not feeling special enough on their big day, that's just horrendous.

Wow, thanks for all your opinions, pretty mixed responses. Badvoc I had suggested to DH that should his family want to do this they bring the unbirthday gift unwrapped and it will not be given to them on the day. I thought that was a fair compromise. If they do it DS will be getting 3 gifts on DD's birthday, overkill surely? I could maybe live with one gift for DS.......

I really can't understand why you mind so much. The birthday child will have cards, cake and singing. Why criticise people who want the other siblings to know they are loved as well?

It isn't up to you, really, if they want to give presents they will. You can't dictate to people when they give presents or whether they should or should not be wrapped. It's irrational and daft.

It's something my parents did for us as kids.
I agree with OP however.

Kids should know it's not always about them and it's actually their siblings special day,not theirs too.

babymummy surely the presents you give to wedding guests is to thank them for attending and giving you a gift etc etc, like the party bags children get at parties?! But I don't think it's comparable to an unbirthday present. We gave our wedding guest a couple of chocolates in a pretty box not something off our wedding list

*wedding guestS - we had more than one

Well I guess there will be people who will say 'your kids your rules' but they are of course also your husband's children. He may well be used to the tradition and you are not... I have a horrid and quite possibly unjustified suspicion that if it were your parents doing this you wouldn't mind.

I guess I have a take on this as I always get the siblings of my DGC unbirthday presents but then I rarely go there empty handed anyway (I see them once every 2-3 weeks) so it's not much of a deal.

But overall I would say save your powder for something more important. Imho I believe this takes away from the child who's [sic] birthday it is and they have to learn it's not all about them for one day of the year! is overthinking it to the nth degree. Relax ffs! They are children. Thinking you are the centre of the universe is part of the job description.

It's about control. You are trying to control what your in-laws do. Is it really such a big deal to let them give your children a small wrapped present? Why do you want to upset them? Do you feel the need to control the other ways they interact with your children?

As your DC grow and move through life you will come into lots of different areas where you cannot manipulate how people interact with your children. Better to give them the skills to deal with experiences appropriately.

Really, you risk alienating your DH's family for the sake of a small wrapped present.

YANBU and it's not about control.

I hate it when people do this, or even when they make a big thing about having to get one of my children something because they got the other one something.

I think it's better to let children see that other people can get things without them getting something and it is okay. I think it's very good and healthy for them to see someone else being the centre of attention and them to learn how to have a peripheral role when it's appropriate.

And I would rather people bought them something well thought out and for them rather than just getting something because their sibling did (that's not in relation to birthdays but to the must get one because I got the other).

I believe this takes away from the child who's birthday it is and they have to learn it's not all about them for one day of the year!

I fail to see how sharing joy decreases its value.

I think, while I can see it is annoying and a bit OTT, you just have to accept it is his family's 'tradition' and the way he has been brought up. I'm sure there are little traditions in your family which you'd be upset if your DH said he thought you should stop.
As another poster said, don't sweat the small stuff!!

RhondaJean puts it very well.

And for everyone saying a small present is no big deal, my friend tells the story of getting a lovely doll one birthday but it wasn't the one that she had set her heart on. But her brother got exactly the garage he wanted, which came in a bigger box than her doll (size is very important to small children!!), both wrapped in the same boys birthday paper.

Obviously there seems to have been a bit more going on in this family beyond just a present for siblings on birthdays, but I just don't get why children can't learn that enjoying special days isn't all about being given material objects (or indeed everyone getting a go at blowing out the candles on the cake)

sauvignon I agree. I was trying to articulate that earlier but couldn't quite. I agree having your own special day is great, but having to have it at the blunt exclusion of everyone else is weird. There's nothing wrong with a wee nod to the other kids...nothing at all. It's kind.

A fine example of FILs being damned if they do and probably damned if they didn't. YABU

YANBU that is ridiculous.

It's only one present, I assume the birthday child is getting many more plus the whole party/cake etc fuss. If they like to do it, I would let them.

I can't really see it as anything to get worked up about tbh. As long as each child gets one on the others birthday and no favouritism is being shown it's something and nothing to me.

If a small present off one person is enough to take the shine off the birthday child's special day then it really wasn't that special to start with. Or the child is spoiled and mean.

Sorry :(

And in answer to your question jaybird do NOT under ANY circumstances on ANY planet ask them not to do it.

Hope that's clear!

jaybird I was really just being sarcastic, suggesting where does this kind of thing stop?

I'm the sort of person who can't do the "If that's what they want to do just let them in order to keep the peace" kind of thing.