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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my husband to come with me to hospital appointment

57 replies

paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 14:51

I have a lump in my breast and have an appointment at the hospital on Monday to get it checked out.
My mum is looking after the dcs so I asked my dh if he could come with me.
Apparently he has a very important meeting at work so has decided to drop me off and pick me up later on the way home. I'm upset because I thought he would at least stay with me. I can't seem to explain to him how let down I feel without him talking over me.
He never supports me in anything and I'm getting fed up.
In the end I just told him not to bother and I'll go on my own.

OP posts:
Dawndonnaagain · 21/03/2014 14:53

I'm sorry for you paragirl it's a frightening time for you and support would be good. Do you have a friend who can go with you?
If it's any consolation, most lumps are harmless.

Famzilla · 21/03/2014 14:54

To expect him to do so without asking is unreasonable. If you have asked him and explained it is because you need some moral support then it is not unreasonable. But then, it all depends on how he said he couldn't come really. Was he apologetic or just dismissive?

And Flowers for you, I hope everything goes well at he appointment.

Logg1e · 21/03/2014 14:55

YANBU.

I'd take a friend and never mention it ever again to him.

VestaCurry · 21/03/2014 14:56

I would want my dh with me so understand how you feel. Has he told you what the meeting is about? If he explained to his boss (without tons of detail, but that cancer needs to be ruled out), I think his boss would excuse him from the meeting. If his input needed, he could provide his thoughts beforehand in notes.
There are times where people need to 'step up to the plate'. This is definitely one of them in my book.

Logg1e · 21/03/2014 14:56

Fam did you actually read the whole of the first post?

CoffeeTea103 · 21/03/2014 14:59

Yanbu, op hope everything will be ok.
Off course your DH should have supported you.

newbieman1978 · 21/03/2014 15:02

I went to a similar appointment with my wife a couple of years ago which thankfully was nothing to worry about. Come to think of it I think I went to 2 or 3 appointments in all.
It never occured to me to do anything other than be by my wife's side at a time like that.

Lucky work were understanding and gave me the time off without any problems.

I find it hard to think that any appointment can be more important that ones health but having said that I don't work in ones of those cut throat industries that probably don't care.

I hope that your husband see's sense and comes with you but it does sound like the work thing is an excuse and he's just that type of man who doesn't give a toss. I feel for you.

VestaCurry · 21/03/2014 15:02

If you do end up having to take a friend, then if he bothers to ask how it went, I'd be inclined to tell him it's not something he's bothered about, so don't bother asking.

spongebob13 · 21/03/2014 15:05

if you asked and he said no id be miffed. ironically I have the very same appointment in 2 weeks and its been playing on my mind. however I didn't ask dp to come nor has he offered (then again I always go to hosp appointments myself unless its a procedure I cant drive afterwards).

Logge why should she never mention it again?? Strange advice if you ask me. I would bring someone for support if you feel you need it ... but I would hash it out with dp otherwise will add to your stress and eat you up.

Logg1e · 21/03/2014 15:09

Of course it's best to sit down and explain and discuss, but the OP's husband refuses to talk. I'm afraid my immature, gut reaction would be "fuck you then, if you're not interested, you're not interested".

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 21/03/2014 15:10

YANBU.
I have had a lot of appointments over the last few years, and DH has been at all but one (he really could not get out of work, and it was just a review appointment to see if meds had helped. Best friend came instead) of them. So I understand why you want his moral support.
YANBU to ask him to step up and support you through this.
I hope everything goes ok OP x

DidoTheDodo · 21/03/2014 15:13

My H did the same thing as he was playing golf.
I confess I ended up divorcing him - not just for this, but it was the last straw!

WooWooOwl · 21/03/2014 15:14

I'd expect him to be there no matter what for the results appointment, but for the first appointment it really depends how important his work meeting is and how easy it will be for him and his colleagues/clients to reschedule.

blahblahblah2014 · 21/03/2014 15:19

Can you not get a friend to watch the DC and go with your mum?

Hope all goes well

Original poster
paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 15:21

he said if I really want him to be there he could possibly rearrange the meeting but the way he said it just made me feel like I was being a massive inconvenience.

OP posts:
Fruli · 21/03/2014 15:21

In all honesty I wouldn't expect my DH to miss an important meeting to come to an appointment with me - unless as Owl says, it was important test results. Even then I know his presence is key occasionally and there are many people travelling from all over Europe to come to these meetings - I'm not the only consideration.

ormirian · 21/03/2014 15:22

Of course he should.

Having said that H has had a few appointment for investigations recently and I wasn't really able to be there. He was OK with that so I didn't rearrange things at work - if he had wanted me there I would have done. Am doing for his next one as it's miles away and he can;t drive after the appointment.

Original poster
paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 15:22

I would much rather go with my mum tbh but there is nobody else to look after the children.

OP posts:
HumphreyCobbler · 21/03/2014 15:24

I would think very poorly of someone who did not support their partner in a situation like this.

Hope everything is ok OP

nowahousewife · 21/03/2014 15:31

OP, that's really sad that not only is your husband not supporting you on this one but you say he's generally not supportive. Often when major things like this happen people show their true colours.

I hope all goes well for you health wise and also that you and your husband are able to work throughout this difficult time.

Joysmum · 21/03/2014 15:33

Then tell him you need support from somebody with some empathy. Therefore, he WILL reschedule his meeting as you are far more important and he will be responsible for his children while your mum supports you on your appointment.

HadABadDay2014 · 21/03/2014 15:36

Yanbu I would want my DH support

Onesleeptillwembley · 21/03/2014 15:38

I was at the breast clinic a couple of weeks ago for the same thing (it's a cyst), it just didn't occur to me to ask dp to come. It especially wouldn't if there was something big on at work. Most women were alone and seemed fine. A young woman had her friend there, maybe as she had a baby, and one other woman had her sister there.

Onesleeptillwembley · 21/03/2014 15:39

The clinic, by the way was very well run, lovely staff and incredibly efficient, nothing like the same thing I went for 15 years ago. So don't worry unnecessarily.

Topseyt · 21/03/2014 15:40

I think your husband is being unreasonable. Either he should be looking after the children so that your mum could go to the hospital with you, or he should be taking you to your appointment.

He should not be talking over you when you try to discuss it.

You seem to suggest in your OP that he isn't the most supportive of people though, if I read it correctly. So is this the tip of an iceberg anyway?