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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my husband to come with me to hospital appointment

57 replies

paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 14:51

I have a lump in my breast and have an appointment at the hospital on Monday to get it checked out.
My mum is looking after the dcs so I asked my dh if he could come with me.
Apparently he has a very important meeting at work so has decided to drop me off and pick me up later on the way home. I'm upset because I thought he would at least stay with me. I can't seem to explain to him how let down I feel without him talking over me.
He never supports me in anything and I'm getting fed up.
In the end I just told him not to bother and I'll go on my own.

OP posts:

LaGuardia · 21/03/2014 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 15:51

I always go everywhere on my own and this time I wanted to be with someone. Normally I'm the only person who is alone and everyone else has support.
Add to this that I'm disabled and am in a wheelchair I just want someone to be there to help me. I have no idea where to park and how far away it is from where I'm going. I might not be able to wheel myself there if it's too far and uphill for example. I'm fed up of having no support from my own husband who is supposed to love me.

OP posts:

HumphreyCobbler · 21/03/2014 15:54

LaGuardia

Just ignore OP

Topseyt · 21/03/2014 16:12

LaGuardia, what a stupid comment. Sometimes a person just needs a little more support.

I have sometimes asked my husband to come to a hospital appointment with me and he has always done it without argument. Not run of the mill check-ups, true, but ones where I might need additional support - moral support if I am having something done, and/or as my additional driver if needed because it can be required if I am to go home the same day.

Breast lump investigation is not a run of the mill appointment. The OP is worried and in need of some additional support. Why on earth should she NOT ask her partner??

PurpleRayne · 21/03/2014 16:33

You need to ask him if he'd prefer to look after the children while your mum goes with you, or if he wants to go with you. Either way, you need support, and it is totally reasonable to expect it.

PerpendicularVince · 21/03/2014 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 21/03/2014 16:42

If I asked my DH and his response was like this I'd be very very upset and wonder where his priorities really lay.

Talk to him again and lay it on the line OP

Good luck at your appt.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 21/03/2014 16:51

Yambu op. I had a similar situation last year, dh came home from work early to get dc's and I ended up in hospital for a fortnight.

Dh went from a bit cross at being called out of work to being in tears when we thought I had a brain tumour ( luckily I did not).

If you generally have to cope on your own, possibly he thinks you always should? My sister is disabled and very independent, and her husband usually leaves her to get on with things until someone points out to him he should be doing more for her. He has just gotten so used to her doing everything and never asking for assistance even though she should.

If this is the case, I would sit dh down once you have had your appointment, and point out all the things you do without asking for help, and all the things you struggle with. Ask him how he would feel driving to a strange place and wondering if it would be accessible, knowing if it wasn't he simply couldn't do what he had travelled there to do.

His response should tell you what to do next; he needs to change be his attitude towards you.

LaGuardia that was an utterly vile comment. You don't get breast lumps for attention ffs.

Tinpin · 21/03/2014 17:05

Whoever said it was quite usual to go on your own, I don't think that is true at all. Everybody had either a friend or husband with them when I went. In fact my letter said it was a good idea to bring someone. ( I was fine) I can't believe your husband is being so unhelpful.

BackforGood · 21/03/2014 17:19

What woowooowl said.
If it's an important meeting, then it's not always realistic to be able to change it or miss it.

Tinpin - when I went, I only saw one husband, or 'person tagging along' in the whole morning I was there (clearly a retired person from his age), so there clearly must be a mix.

My dh came to the results, but the tests don't tell you anything, you just move around the clinic having different things done.

OP - I hope it's good news when you get the results.

whatever5 · 21/03/2014 18:09

YANBU. I would be furious with your husband if I was you. This isn't a routine appointment and unless his job is seriously on the line, supporting you should be his priority.

BirthdayMuppet · 21/03/2014 18:12

What the hell is wrong with LaGuardia, she seems incapable of being pleasant to anyone, being deliberately provocative for the sake of it?

whatever5 · 21/03/2014 18:19

I disagree with those who say it's okay for him not to go to the first appointment. The OP is afraid and someone else needs to be there to support her and to listen to what the consultant is saying as she may not take everything in. I say this as someone who generally goes to hospital appointments alone.

NewtRipley · 21/03/2014 18:30

Birthday.

Yup

Topseyt · 21/03/2014 18:36

Para, having read and considered your last update I am more convinced than ever that your husband should accompany you to make sure all goes smoothly.

If he is not willing to accompany you then he should be told that he IS required to look after the children whilst your mum accompanies you instead.

He is being an arse.

Onesleeptillwembley · 21/03/2014 18:40

Tinpin that was me. Frankly I don't care if you believe it but it was the case. I actually have doubts about your 'experience'. And as I said, only a couple of weeks ago.

expatinscotland · 21/03/2014 18:45

The results is the really bad appointment, if you get called in for a second appointment for them.

I went on my own for the lump appointment and all the women were on their own, but I am also used to this as we live rurally and have never had any childcare help.

I even gave birth to,our third on my own.

YANBU.

whatever5 · 21/03/2014 18:46

I agree with Topseyt. It might be an idea to tell your DH that he will be looking after the children while you go to the appointment with your mother.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 21/03/2014 18:50

Paragirl, I was wondering where I recognised your name from. I was on your previous thread about your delightful husband.

Maybe to talk about your husband and the fucking appalling way he treats you is best left to another thread, but in the meantime, have you maybe a friend who could go with you?

FabBakerGirl · 21/03/2014 19:10

It isn't so much that he won't come to the appointment but the way he has been with you over it. My husband sometimes can't accompany me when I would want him too but he would never be like yours has. I think you have bigger problems than him having a meeting tbh.

Inertia · 21/03/2014 19:23

YANBU to expect that your husband would do everything he can to support you, especially given that you use a wheelchair and would find it physically as well as emotionally difficult to go alone.

Forgive me if I've got the wrong person, but was it your husband who tried to forbid you from using your wheelchair at a social event because of his own prejudices?

Original poster

paragirl1981 · 21/03/2014 19:40

yes that was me, I tried to update but can't find the thread now.
I did talk to him about that and he explained why he said it. He didn't want any fake sympathy from people he'd never met before and for them to be asking him about his 'poor' wife every time they see him. He doesn't see me as a person that needs sympathy in that way as I'm very independent and getting on fine with my life.
I did however go and meet him at the finish of a half marathon in my chair and he proudly introduced me to all his friends.

We have been getting on well until this.

OP posts:

whatever5 · 21/03/2014 20:34

He sounds really unsupportive. I think that it was awful of him to try and make you feel that you shouldn't use your wheelchair to avoid people's "fake" sympathy.

PurpleRayne · 22/03/2014 09:55

His remarks make him sound very self-centred. He wants the kudos of Marathon Wife, but not the 'shame' of Poorly Wife.

007licencetostandonamolehill · 22/03/2014 11:30

I went in my own and it seemed 98% of people were with someone. It was so tough, I wish I had taken someone with me.

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