To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

Bertie, although i could interpret your post as being incredibly patronising, I understand that it is probably very well meaning and full of good advice on keeping toddlers safe on the road. In fact I could of written it as every technique and strategy you are describing I have used myself in the past, and no sleep not because she was a runner but because she would do inexplicable toddler things like stopping in the middle of a very wide road, remember that she hadn't pressed the button and want to go back.

It may come as a shock but just because I smack it doesn't mean I walk around all day smacking my children or threatening to do so. It means I use a smack or the threat of one as one parenting technique, within a range of parenting techniques that I may even be so bold as to suggest are as wide and varying as you non-smackers

Erm, I'm so sorry it may come as a surprise to hear that I actually have no problem with smacking as long as the child isn't terrified of it, and of course nobody uses the constant threat of punishment, unless they're Michael Pearl.

You asked how other people tackled the situation. I answered. I could have just said "Physical restraint" but I decided in this instance to type it out in more detail, but I won't bother next time.

Actually heard someone say this ...

" I bloody hate violent toys - if I ever saw him with a toy gun I'd give him such a belting ... "

Mixed message, much?

Fefifo

I wonder why you are so wedded to the idea of smacking. You clearly think carefully about your parenting. I suspect the smacking just not necessary. It's not the part of your parenting that brings about the changes you are trying to make in your children's behaviour.

is just not necessary.

andm btw, you sound incredibly patronising.

Fefifo,

Good behaviour = sticker on chart at end of day
Bad behaviour = no sticker
Exemplary behaviour = a heartfelt thank you and an explanation of why I was so very proud of their behaviour and how happy it made me feel.
Bad behaviour = the opposite explanation and request for an apology.
No Apology = toy or book removed until apology came.
Good school report, act of extreme kindness or generosity = a treat from the box straightaway, no need to have 5 stickers.

For the record I don't think your parenting is lazy, just inherited behaviour that you are trying to justify. By admitting it's damaging to hit children you have to face up to the fact that you yourself suffered from the person you admire and respect the most. It seems like your Mother's learned, why don't you heed her advice and stop hitting your kids? Try it, just as an experiment, see if it works as it does for the majority who don't smack.

Bertie I'm afraid you may have actually crossed the line into patronising. Do you imagine that I generally let my three year old run down the street while I look on from a distance? She is always by my side and were she to run, which she doesn't I would be right alongside her, not screaming come back or you'll get a smack from a distance.

Although it pains me to have to go into such detail, In the instance I was referring to we were walking side by side on the pavement a little way down from our house. She said let's race home. I took off at her toddler pace alongside her she said no mummy I want to win, I said no I've got to stay right next to you because there are two roads, she whilst still trying to run ahead of me which of course she couldn't began screaming no mummy I'm going to win to which I replied I can't let you ahead of me because if you hit that road before me and a car is coming down it you are too little for them to see, they will smash into you and hurt you but mummy is big so they would see mummy and mummy knows how to look for cars so we won't get hurt. She continues to shout whilst running no mummy go back I'm winning. I replied if you continue to behave in such a dangerous way I will smack your hand when we get home. She then stopped and started wailing no mummy. I again explain why her behaviour was very naught and dangerous and if she does it ever again she will be getting a smack. We go home and bake a cake.

You know, just another obvious incident of child abuse.

I have smacked my children in the past, for bad behaviour or if they've done something dangerous (ds1 attempting to run into the road age 3). Hard enough to make them stop and think, not hard enough to mark or psychologically ruin them for life.

My children are happy and loved. They are intelligent, generally well behaved, confident, cheeky, lively kids. They have reward charts and treats for good behaviour. I also have smacked in the past. The two are mutually exclusive.

It's not something I 'hate' or 'feel guilty' for. To feel that way indicates you have smacked as a result of losing control, which I have never done. I'm happy with my parenting choices. My kids are awesome.

You're not reading my posts.

I would not engage in a race with my child if there were roads. It's not a race then is it? Or you say "Okay but remember we have to stop at the road." If they're not old enough to be trusted to do that then you say "Not here but we can race when we get to our street".

I don't know why you felt the need to explain but you asked further up how

The two are NOT mutually exclusive that is

How is it that many of us have never felt the need to smack a child for running into a road and yet our children are still alive?

It seems to me that that example is used because the extreme circumstance (fear or death of child) seems to justify the violence. But you claim the hitting is done calmly. There's a contradiction there.

I do think that occasional smacking is probably no worse than other techiniques that hurt a child emotionally, but 2 wrongs don't make a right

Greenlands, when you are old and confused, can your adult kids smack you when you're being naughty and difficult, maybe wandering off dangerously?

Oh Bertie why didn't you just say you didn't have a problem with occasional smacking? We've been posting at cross purposes in that case. My children certainly don't live in fear of smacking and even though they're generally very well behaved especially for others, are definitely not scared of me. Like most children they store up most of their bad behaviour for me because they know I'm the person who loves them most and they could never push a boundary that could stop that.

I was asking sleep how she would tackle if as she had asked me to talk her through how smacking could be used as a deterrent. Apologies.

No sleep, they can't.

It's a different situation completely.

As the parent of a young child, you are teaching them, shaping them in preparation for the future.

A mentally-debilitated adult, who is that way due to deterioration is not going to 'learn' or develop. You're not teaching them anything as by that stage they're incapable of learning.

I do think that occasional smacking is probably no worse than other techiniques that hurt a child emotionally, but 2 wrongs don't make a right

Other techniques such as...

Oh for goodness sake sleep, quit with the bloody old people comparison. If you really are going to persist in trying not understanding the difference between the relationship between an adult child and their elderly parent and an adult and their own children then that line of questioning will continue to remain a dead end.

Try something else.

Having said that though, my own mother although not elderly yet is considerably smaller than me in term of height and stature. Would you consider her to be vulnerable in my presence given my violent streak?

I would consider any person with limited mental capacity, regardless of size, vulnerable. This is why I compare children to the elderly. And you know what, slap an old person enough and you can bet your boots they'll amend their behaviour to avoid the abuse, you can't say that don't learn 'em Greenlands.

Okay, seeing as I'm flogging (pun unintended) a dead horse with the elderly comparison, how about children with special needs. Is it okay to smack a child (or adult) with a mental age of three? No? But it's okay to smack a three year old?

Green

Shouting, threats, withdrawal of affection, name-calling.

I really don't care enough to argue over it to be honest.

There are lots of things I am passionate about regarding children/upbringing/parenting.

I just can't get my knickers in a twist about the odd smack. I don't think it to death. I don't tie myself in knots about every parenting decision.

So far my kids are turning out well. That's enough for me.

Oof...I'm afraid I can't class the likes of name calling and withdrawal of affection in the same category as a tap on the hand.

I would class those as emotional abuse...not sonething I consider to be similar.

Newt how the human race considers to survive given all of the contraindications from conception and throughout life is a mystery. How's that for patronising .

In my particular child in road incidence i was able to be calm because she hadn't actually been in any real danger. Had she of actually of been in the road and been scooped up before a car narrowly hit her I imagine I would probably be in too much shock to begin scolding, smacking, deterring her or otherwise in the aftermath.

Like others on this thread you refer to a 'need' to smack. I don't think I have felt a need to smack, or in the instances where I have felt an actual urge I don't smack because I can recognise that I would be smacking to lash out through a fit of my own temper.

I use it in a controlled way, as what I find to be a very effective parenting technique. Like any other parenting technique some will swear by it and others question it's effectiveness.

To me it's a bit like controlled crying. I didn't do it with either of my kids because it would of felt wrong regardless of its effectiveness. Now some parents swear it's very effective in delivering the result of say a six month old sleeping eight hours straight. Others say it's completely pointless and the baby won't sleep after trying it anyway. So essentially it can work effectively in delivering the goal or it might not, a bit like smacking. There are also numerous studies that say it is damaging others that say it won't do any long term harm. Now like I said I wouldn't of done it even if I was guaranteed it would work as it would of felt very wrong to me, but as I haven't tried it I wouldn't consider myself in a position to say that it was ineffective in the short term and damaging in the long term. Yes, my instincts may sway me in that direction but I'm also big enough to say how the fuck would I know. Mine were bloody awful sleepers for years and I genuinely think there is a possibility that it may of been better for them to be trained into a good night's sleep at an early age for their own development. But then I think it's just wrong. But then I think I don't actually have a bloody clue whether it's right or wrong and in absolute terms it probably isn't either one or the other. So just like occasional smacking, and I mean occasional, not walloping your child into submissiveness every day, I think there isn't a complete right or wrong and I think others that feel themselves in a position to say that all smacking is always wrong under any circumstances are egotistical idiots to presume themselves able to make the call.

Yes I did just compare smacking to controlled crying. I will present myself with my very own first

Well said Newt. That was why I preferred to smack my daughter, as my mother never smacked me but would go off and be sick in the bathroom and stop speaking to me when I did something wrong. Not her fault, she had a bad stomach ulcer but as a child I would much have preferred a good smack.
My daughter did not become a violent person as a result. I don't know what I feel about smacking right now, but there are other cruelties that can be done to a child that do not involve physical pain.

Bloody hell newt, you seriously don't ever shout at or threaten your children? Cancel everything I just said about not making blanket judgements about other people's parenting

You're either blessed with the most placid kids on earth or you're in for some extremely tough times sticking to those standards when they're teenagers. Unless they're already grown in which case yes, I suspect you were blessed with the most placid kids on earth.