To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

A painless but shocking tap is Ok when they are doing something dangerous.

Maybe a light one at home if she does it but I still agree that gives the impression it's Ok. However who would do it in public? You'd end up with someone calling social services, probably the same people who would tell you to smack in the first place.

A painless but shocking tap is Ok when they are doing something dangerous.

Maybe a light one at home if she does it but I still agree that gives the impression it's Ok. However who would do it in public? You'd end up with someone calling social services, probably the same people who would tell you to smack in the first place.

Surely if you think it's ok then you wouldn't care if children's services became involved, you could just tell them you are a great parent and all would be well.

Viking lady - your granddad sounds like an abusive fool.

On what planet is that an ok conversation to have with a three year old? Your poor mum.

Needs No, I annotated saying they are good parents. I am saying they think they are good parents and that it can be a part of a parenting strategy. Fwiw I think any hitting of a child is as abusive as any hitting of a vulnerable adult would be.

Autocorrect, sorry. I mean am not, not annotated.

Most abusive parents think they are good parents,you would be surprised at the volume I have seen over the years who refuse to believe they have done anything wrong they tend to be very surprised when their children are removed.

O yes. I have had cases with a house in such a state that the police sent crime scene photographers to document it. But they love their kids, so that's ok then.

'love' is a verb, not a feeling. Its what you do to or for your children that shapes them, not what you 'feel' about it all.

Do we anticipate a future where we're going to have to talk to kids like we were professional childcarers when it's not just smacking but raised voices, put downs etc become as unacceptable in the home as they would be, say, in nursery?

Would this be a bad thing? I think all of those things are unacceptable for me to use as a parent just as much as a childcarer.

I've lost count of the ones who say "but he never hits the kids,why should they make me leave him"

And the ones who do things because their parents did (and it often is smacking) who just cannot see that they are doing anything wrong yet wonder why referrals are made.

Because they have internalised a negative and damaging childhood experience which they now repeat because they don't know any better/different and after all, it never did them any harm.

My ex wasn't hit. but he was denigrated, criticised or neglected for much of his childhood. He would not accept he has been damaged by his childhood. As far as he is concerned he is a super guy and the fact he can't hold down relationships or be a proper father to his own child just doesn't register with him as a concern. He isn't an abusive drunk like his dad and he didn't hit me, so he is just 'fine'.

Newt, I do agree with some elements of what silly lass says although no, that's not the central theme of my argument.

I am also perplexed by people who are traumatised having been given the odd controlled smack on the hand by otherwise loving parents (like me) or the odd few smacks in bad temper by an otherwise loving parent (like my mum).

I would suggest that that those who harbour 'feelings of fear, insecurity and lack of confidence' over the odd smack are those generally prone to hystrionics about their every social interaction, or analyse to death their every relationship, or dissolve into a mire of self pity when faced with any kind of serious problem.

Beck says that some people are more sensitive. I would phrase that differently and say that some are emotionally weaker.

Given that most, if not all people that with these issues cite the deep scars of their treatment in childhood, including physical discipline as being the cause why can it not compute that I or any one else that says it did me no harm be just as entitled to say that the fact they don't have issues with fear, insecurity or lack in confidence because of their treatment in childhood, including physical discipline?

" Goldmandra Sat 22-Mar-14 11:31:12

Do we anticipate a future where we're going to have to talk to kids like we were professional childcarers when it's not just smacking but raised voices, put downs etc become as unacceptable in the home as they would be, say, in nursery?

Would this be a bad thing? I think all of those things are unacceptable for me to use as a parent just as much as a childcarer."
This^^
I am a professional childcarer as well as a parent.
if I can keep control with 30 plus 2,3 and 4 year olds without resorting to smacking them, then why can't their parents?

Needs, what the fuck makes you think I spend my days dodging social services?

I 'attracted the attentions' of a social worker before I had kids and he married me.

He, like my best friend and the many other people I know who work in children's services think I'm a great mum with two fantastic kids and the idea that I'm an unfit parent whose DC should be removed is laughable.

But then you would know better, having spent all Of what, zero minutes in me or my children's company?

Which reminds me Spero, what exactly is it you want those pesky police and social workers to do when all physical disciple is made illegal? Remove the children, right? So, I ask you again where are going to put the 25 odd children in my daughter's class and the hundreds of others from the rest of her school? And once you've found all of that accommodation for them do you really think they'll thank you?

Insincere, are you really comparing your relationship with those children as a childminder with that of their mother? Do you really think they would too?

I am pretty confident I have never said that all children who are smacked cross the threshold for child protection proceedings.

But if you want to think that is what I said, I can't stop you.

Not all smacking harms a child. But all I can do is repeat that I don't think it should ever be an intentional tool in any parents disciplinary techniques - have another think about why you won't slap your children in public.

yes, to a certain extent
while those children are with me, i am their substitute carer, that's how it works in our nursery, anyway
it's called a keyperson system and we have very close bonds with the children we care for

Yes, why on earth would you want to hurt the child you love?
Evidence is growing to support you...
www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/health/dr-miriam-stoppard-evidence-smacking-3015065

It's illegal in Scotland, end of story. This hasn't led to mass child protection hearings but has given clear guidance to parents that this particular parenting"tool" cannot be used. Another example of sensible, courageous legislation north of the border.

I'm pretty confident that you said that every single parent that smacks, in whatever capacity is an unfit parent.

Would it not then follow that you don't think these parents are fit to care for their children so what do you think should happen to them? Should they just be left in the hands of the disturbed and sinister people who raise them with no intervention? No? Again, what should happen???

You want a law that would criminalise all smacking whatsoever, so that would actually be threshold for child protection proceedings wouldn't it? I don't think you've thought this through.

fefifo what is so hard about accepting that using physical punishment on a child is wrong?
you wouldn't be able to do it to an adult, so why is it ok to use it on a child?
it is an abuse of your power as an adult

hitting a child is teaching a child that violence controls people

that is not the message I would want to give to ds

ignore them I have had comments like this on the odd occasion and I will always argue there is never a good reason to smack a child but I choose to ignore such stupid comments

Needs, what the fuck makes you think I spend my days dodging social services?

For someone apparently so confident in your parenting you are very defensive.

I exchanged an observation with spero unsurprisingly it was not about you it was a general observation quite clearly shared because of a linked employment.

But if I married any of my clients or previous clients (no matter how long they were clients for) i would have been dismissed

Christ alive insancerre, so you would compare your relationship with the children that are transiently in your care for a few months or years as toddlers,for the minority of their day, to their relationships with the women that birth, love, take ultimate responsibility for and care of them through their entire lives?

That is one hell of a sense of self importance you have. Shocking in fact.