To be more than annoyed when people inform me my children need a good smack?

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

It really winds me up.
Not so much the oldies who say " in our day I would have a got a whack for that " but people that can see I'm already having a tough time dealing with 2 toddlers, my eldest daughter is going through a phase ( I bloody hope ) of hitting everyone including me and we always have the same conversation, I don't hit you and you must not hit mummy, you've hurt me and now we are going home.
So we had this yesterday in a park and a lady informed me that I was " wishy washy " and what she actually needed was a good smack herself.
Am I being unreasonable to think she is an ignorant fool or am I some kind of martyr as I don't believe in hitting children?

Yes, I do very much what needs? (Your post of 01:14:07)

I won't be smacking but a sharp rap is NOT the same as a beating. "See, it hurts" or when used in an emergency ie child running junto the road.
Why are people so eager to assume it's more than that?
And frankly I'm surprised at all the insinuations about blahblah's age.

^^what noodleoodle said.

I've just finished reading this thread with having been smacked occasionally as a child and as a parent who doesn't smack.

There is so much on here that made my jaw drop.

Ok, some people have turned out absolutely fine after receiving a couple of smacks as a child, but some haven't. Well, that's because some people are more sensitive than others, obviously. Some individuals can take a lot more (emotional or physical) crap than others. Some people can shrug it off and say, yeah well no one is perfect, they did their best. Others will find this difficult and will harbour feelings of fear, insecurity and lack of confidence. I'd rather not run the risk and therefore I choose to not smack my dd.

The other thing I find difficult to swallow and I haven't seen mentioned yet, is the lack of respect it shows.
If any adult that is in any sort "power" over me even tapped to show me they were correct (even if what they were saying was correct), they'd be for the high jump.

By that I mean like a manager at work. If I had done something that could have harmed me, a colleague or client, because I hadn't listen to my manager's instruction, would that warrant a tap on the hand from them. How disrespectful!

So why can't children be shown the same level of respect?

Of course not! They'd be hauled up in court at an employment tribunal. Could you imagine the indignation?!?!

I'm really struggling to see how then it is ok for a child to have it done to them?

By no means am I a pandering parent. Let me make that quite clear. I have absolute boundaries with my dd, and there are consequences if those boundaries are crossed. I just don't feel that pain and/or fear should be a part of those consequences.

I have a beautifully behaved daughter, I am often complemented on her behaviour by strangers when out and about. My own dm often says that she wishes she hadn't smacked, she now says she's sees it as a control think and that she just wasn't intelligent enough to work out another way. That is my own dm speaking, not me. I'm not insinuating anyone isn't intelligent, I'm just quoting what someone has told me.

Having said that when she was two and having the standard screaming tantrum that they tend to be quite good at, at that age a well meaning older lady told me she needed a smack on the bum. I told her she needed to keep her opinions to herself. Went down like a fart in a space suit mind you. She then went on to rant at me, the that was the problem with us younger folk, too much to say. I kindly informed her that she was the one who started the conversation by sticking her nose in other peoples business uninvited and that I'm sure her parents brought her up well enough to not do that, and that now perhaps she should find someone who is prepared to smack, to give her one for being naughty and interfering.

I may as well have crimped one out in her handbag with the look she gave me, but she didn't answer back, and I'd like to be arrogant enough to think its because she didn't have a come back, rather than she was just arguing with a smart mouthed bitch.

I've had some old lady ask me to shut my 9 month old baby up because he started crying on the bus as well as telling me kids shouldn't have kids (not sure what it had to do with me as I'm 25) the bus jolted and woke him up when he was sleeping as well as shocking him. We were two stops away so I couldn't get him out for a cuddle so I stroked his hair til he calmed down but I was livid as he wasn't being a brat, he's just a baby. YANBU at all, some people just have no social skills

What would hitting or slapping your child teach them in the long run? That its ok to resolve issues with physical violence.

Hitting a child may enable a child to behave through fear in the short term but it doesn't enable the him/her to develop appropriate morals

Also it's not ok for an adult to hit another adult. BUT sond people consider it fine for an adult to hit a child.

Sillylass

You don't agree with Fefifo.

She's not talking about angry smacking.

Smacking is part of her parenting arsenal. She chooses to do it when she is calm. Doesn't consider that it doesn't show love. Your post contradicts that.

Fefifo

Waiting until you get home to smack means the likely to mean that the child has forgotten what the smack was for. In behaviourist terms it makes no sense.

I don't think you are necessarily a bad parent. I think though, that whatever results you are getting are not down to the smacking. And i really really cannot understand how you came to the conclusion if you have read so much parenting literature as you claim.

i have terribly behaved children. I dont tend to smack them as i just don't like the idea in principle although ive done it before out of desperation, and a last resort. I found it makes things worse.

I dont think it should be illegal because i think it demonises parents who may well be trying their best. I think it needs to be looked at in context to all sorts of things. Its such a massively child centred society, its frowned upon to send children out so much as most of us were as children. Its frowned upon if theyre in front of the tv or computer too much. Youre demonised if you lose your rag with a child.

i think there are all sorts of families out there and cultures and ways of doing things which are not all great, but i think parents are damned if they do and damned if they dont

Let me try to be clear.

Hitting your child hard enough to leave a mark is against the law. If you do that, you are a criminal. If you need me to explain further why society has decided this action is sufficiently serious to be a criminal offence then I am happy to explain further.

If you don't hit your child hard enough to leave a mark, then what is the impact of that hit? How have YOU decided that you have reached the most effective way to administer pain and yet keep you outside the reach of the criminal law?

If you don't hit your child hard enough for it to hurt or shock, what is the point. Isn't this just the physical assault equivalent of whining 'gentle hands Tarquin!'

If you tell a child 'wait til you get home' how long are you making that child wait for the smack ? How do you know the child will still remember why you are hitting him?

Smacking doesn't work. I see that because the people who smack keep on smacking. The implications of frequent smacking for children are serious.

And if you don't smack frequently, why are you so keen to have it in your arsenal of disciplinary techniques?

to all the prosmackers
are you happy for other people to smack your children?
teachers, nursery workers, the scout leader, the sports coach, the nurses in hospital?
if not, why not?

Branleuese - I wish we had a child centered society. I really do.

I think you are confusing 'society' with that particularly irritating subset of middle class helicopter parents.

I think as a society generally we don't like children.

In Spain I took my daughter into a very fancy restaurant when she was a baby and the waiters all cooed and made a fuss of her. I don't think I would ever dare do that in the UK. Other diners would lynch me. But if she had behaved badly in that or any other scenario I would have dealt with it without feeling need to assault her.

Fefifo My mum wouldn't say or believe I feared her or my dad, but I did. If I tried to tell her I doubt she'd believe me - as far as they were concerned it was a minor matter. It didn't happen often and was less than they had received as children, after all.

Certainly it is not a given that every single hit child will be significantly psychologically damaged, but you simply cannot tell in advance.

as an adult I have the law to protect me from violence
why does this not extend to children when they are more vulnerable and more in need of protection
are children less important than adults?

At beckandcall - I agree with you about the respect point.

I am not damning people who in a moment of rage/tiredness/despair lash out. I know children can be very demanding and testing. I had a difficult couple of months with my daughter when I was going through a lot of difficult stuff which unfortunately coincided with her tantruming 3 year old stage. On a couple of occasions I am ashamed of my behaviour towards her.

So I stopped. I took a step back and asked myself if this was how I wanted to parent, if is was how I wanted her to remember me.

I have never, ever calmly and deliberately decided I was going to hit my child and worked out the best time and place to do it. I find that sinister and disturbing.

Spero

Totally agree

I think the problem is that a subset of people see the rights of adults to control their families as they wish as the most important right society should protect. They don't really see their children as individuals but as members of the family 'unit'.

It is often interesting to see what happens in these families when the children get too big to be hit.

And to rebut the assertion that Spero's clients/abusers who use implements are not good parents, and it is not an actual parenting strategy - bollocks. My mum remembers a conversation from her third birthday when her dad told her that now she was a big girl he would need to start using a belt, otherwise she would grow up to be naughty.

It's all just a matter of degree, both in the severity of the attack and in the sensitivity of the child. The actual act and intentions are much the same.

When I was young wooden spoons slippers and belts were not unusual items to hear about being used,whilst lots of people thought it was wrong if it happened it (IME) would not even get you kept off school to hide the marks for the services to get involved you had to be hospital stay type of hurt.

I remember the uproar about big brother and the government messing in family life when they started talking about it being a crime

Viking, are you seriously saying that parents who use implements to assault a child are good parents?

A painless but shocking tap is Ok when they are doing something dangerous.

Maybe a light one at home if she does it but I still agree that gives the impression it's Ok. However who would do it in public? You'd end up with someone calling social services, probably the same people who would tell you to smack in the first place.

A painless but shocking tap is Ok when they are doing something dangerous.

Maybe a light one at home if she does it but I still agree that gives the impression it's Ok. However who would do it in public? You'd end up with someone calling social services, probably the same people who would tell you to smack in the first place.

A painless but shocking tap is Ok when they are doing something dangerous.

Maybe a light one at home if she does it but I still agree that gives the impression it's Ok. However who would do it in public? You'd end up with someone calling social services, probably the same people who would tell you to smack in the first place.