to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[eddielizzard]

my dh has never come with me while i bf in a feeding room. it's not really appropriate i don't think. unless they need to feed. that would be fine. i have been in feeding rooms with other men in john lewis but they always kept their back to me or didn't look.

wildly inappropriate to stare.

[CrohnicallyChanging]

shadow and nun that's what I was trying to say earlier- I can think of at least 3 'feeding rooms' that I have visited that had no bottle warmers, (the bottle warmers were outside in the 'public' area where there were also seats), and no changing facilities either, so these particular rooms were obviously aimed at giving bf mums somewhere private to feed. Anyone wanting to sit down to feed or warm a bottle did have somewhere to do so, but they didn't need to go into the curtained off area/separate room. Plus there's places like my local hospital, where they don't have designated feeding rooms in every waiting room, but if you asked for privacy to bf they would let you use a consulting room or similar- which obviously wouldn't have any facilities like bottle warmers or changing tables in.

The main reason DH used to come into a feeding room with me was as I had a c section and weaned off my painkillers early as they were affecting my baby, I was not very mobile in the early days. DH would get me settled in the chair, pass baby over, pass the muslin cloth for burping, and a drink for me. Then when we were finished he would need to take baby off me first and put her in the pram, then give me a hand out of my chair. The moral support was also appreciated as DD had feeding problems. Like I said though, if anyone else had been in or come in while we were in there he would have asked if they minded him staying, and if they minded he would have left until I needed to shout him in to help.

[MistressDeeCee]

He shouldnt have been staring at the OP breastfeeding. The majority of women wouldn't want a man ogling their breasts, its not 'permission' to do it just because a woman is breastfeeding; what difference does it make? Id have either turned my back on him, or said something. A woman knows when a man is gawping, it doesn't need other women saying 'no he wasn't'.

[OlympiaFox]

I think they should have rooms for breastfeeders only, not everybody is confident breastfeeding in public (or even around family), some women can feel very exposed and vulnerable, if breastfeeding is to be properly supported by society then everyone should have the opportunity to feed comfortably and safely when they're out.

You can tell the difference between a man ogling you and one staring into space, if op felt he was ogling, he probably was. A normal, respectful man would be mindful not to stare at a woman breastfeeding or make her uncomfortable. He certainly wouldn't be 'ogling' or in any way appearing to.

Op could have told him to stop staring but she doesn't know him or what kind of reaction he may have had, she's vulnerable with her baby latched onto her boob, it would be a risk challenging the creep.

In public areas we're slightly protected from a potentially violent or dangerous reaction to calling someone out for leering by the presence of other people, private areas need to be more controlled because there isn't the safety of others and they can be targeted by people you want to avoid.

[Graciescotland]

Sorry didn't mean to sound like I was starting the whole bf/ff debate. I wasn't honest! I always used to go to the parents room in John Lewis to bf and there is an area ( I think) that's designed for bf mothers who want a bit more privacy at the back, round a corner, with just a few chairs in a row. Lots of chairs/ tables in bigger more public area although lots of women bf there too.

I was always a bit at blokes in there as it seemed odd that their partners felt the need for extra privacy but it didn't occur to them that other women might be after the same thing.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Yes Gracie I think that's a good point about the double standard.

[RichardLawton]

There's no way of knowing what was going through his mind. Personally I find BFing a beautiful and moving sight. So I can understand the urge to look. Having said which, English social etiquette in any circumstances is that looking is ok, staring isn't.

[vexedfoxy]

I think you are being over-sensitive to be honest. I think you are being very arrogant to say 'you did not ask him to leave'. it is not a room just for women, maybe he had been up all night with aforementioned baby and was just happy to be somewhere quiet and take five mins staring in to middle distance.....You could of left? I don't see what there is to 'oggle' there is nothing to see if breastfeeding is done as most people do. If he really wanted to oggle he would have stayed outside the shop and watched women with not a lot on walking past? Yes I think on this occasion YABU

[eddielizzard]

vexedfoxy your post makes no sense.

how is she arrogant to say 'you did not ask him to leave'?

the feeding room is a room to feed. he was not feeding. why should she have left?

and lastly, the women walking down the street don't have their tits out.

[Grennie]

vexed - As pointed out above, watching breastfeeding mothers is a common sexual fetish. And some women use feeding rooms because they can't do the type of breastfeeding that means nothing is on show.

[caruthers]

As a man and I consider myself to be the average man nothing particularly special, I would think that looking the other way when a mother is breastfeeding is normal isn't it?

As I said upthread I haven't seen a woman breastfeeding in public and i'm not young, but that maybe because I wasn't either visiting feeding rooms or keeping an eye out for nursing mothers to have a gander at.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

Gander I love that word.

Ive found that the majority of men will look the other way once they realise you are bf.

I wouldnt want someone staring at me, even if someone is chatting to you while you are feeding youd expect them to look at your face, not stare at the baby.

Why sould the op leave because some bloke who wasnt even feeding his baby couldnt keep his eyes off her. He should have been helping with his own baby. There was no need for him to look at the op

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I smiled at 'gander' too, Moomns.

Caruthers, I really liked your post. It reminded me of how men 'used to be' as portrayed in classic British films, well-mannered and considerate.

[vexedfoxy]

Well eddielizard it is quite simple, the man was with his wife/partner, whether he was helping physically or morally is a matter of OP conjecture. It is a feeding/changing room. How or why does the OP think she has the right to ask someone to leave the room/changing room? My point about there being in the street is also simple, most feeding mothers manage to feed without showing any flesh, there is more flesh on show in the high street. OP is being over-sensitive in my view.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I manage to feed without showing anything, i still wouldnt expect someone to sit and stare at me while im doing it.

It reminds me of being a teenager when boys would talk to your breasts instead of your face. Also some twats you meet in pubs.

Obviously you think its ok for people to stare at your breasts though vexed, after all its not like anyone can see through their clothes

[sweetsomethings]

YABU i had to take my older children into the feeding room as well. Should it be ok for someone to ask them to leave as well. The room is not just for the mother but for the family.

[ExBrightonBell]

The OP specifically said that she didn't ask him to leave, despite being made uncomfortable by him, because she felt that his partner seemed to need him there.

She was asking whether she was being unreasonable to not want to be stared at! There was no reason for the bloke to be staring at her, and if she felt he was ogling her then why should we disagree with her? It's not ok to stare at other people generally - it's accepted to be aggressive and intimidating.

The bloke shouldn't have been staring at her (for whatever reason), and the OP shouldn't have to feel intimidated when using the breastfeeding room! NB this is not the same as saying that men (or children) should never be allowed in feeding rooms. Just that they shouldn't stare at and intimidate other women using the facility.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I think children staring at a bf mother is a bit different to a grown man though isnt it

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

And hopefully you would tell your children to stop!

[sweetsomethings]

Of course i would tell them to stop but they wouldn't stare as its natural for them to see a woman breastfeed. It was mostly the other posts about only the woman feeding needed to use the room. When sometimes you have no choice to take others in with you. I dont think my husband should have to ask permission to be in the room either or be made to feel like some sort of weirdo for choosing to sit with his wife during what can be a very long feed.

[ExBrightonBell]

Of course your DH shouldn't need to ask permission to accompany you, and sit with you. But presumably he wouldn't then ignore you, sit opposite another bfeeding woman and stare at her whilst she is feeding?

[sweetsomethings]

No he wouldn't stare. In fact he turns his chair to face me and the baby. Can i just add that its not only men that stare at someone breastfeeding. I have on occasion been leered at other woman who are bottle feeding their child. I have also been called a hippy by a grandparent who was in with a young girl giving her baby a bottle. Do people think that other woman should be asked to leave as well?

[aermingers]

I suspect if the baby was very new and the mother was struggling that he may well not have been 'ogling' but instead curious that someone was doing it so easily and trying to see how. If they're having problems with feeding it may have been just that.

Still inconsiderate to stare.

[ExBrightonBell]

I don't think anyone should be asked to leave a feeding room, if they are being considerate and polite!

Anyone who legitimately needs to be in there should feel free to use the facilities. But it's reasonable to expect that they are considerate to others eg no staring, ogling, name calling, leering, etc.

[vexedfoxy]

Sighs.....no I don't think it is ok for a man or indeed a woman to stare at a breast feeding mother. ExBrightonbell hits the spot perfectly. Most men would look at floor/ceiling anywhere but the woman when they are breast feeding.......I think OP is being over-sensitive however. That is just my view, I am out of this discussion.