to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[ShadowFall]

AF = having a period

[weeblueberry]

For those of you who think men shouldn't be allowed in feeding rooms (which are generally just that, not breastfeeding rooms) do your husbands just randomly stand outside while you're feeding? Not that I did it often while out and about (because unlike people who can make bolognese and breastfeed, feeding under my circumstances warranted two arms and hands and somewhere to sit comfortably...) but my
DP always came into the feeding room with me. He'd sit and chat and dump the inevitably large amount of shopping bags we had and he'd help me with the feeding. Often including supporting me/the baby physically too.

We're all quick to say we don't give a shit about where we feed and who sees us but at the same time some of us want to police who is around us while we do it? I know in my situation I absolutely needed my DP for emotional support when I did it out and about and would have been far more likely to stop sooner if I hadn't been able to do it in public without his support. I'm very glad for everyone who can just slap a baby on a boob and get on with it but unfortunately some people need more than that. And we should be making life easier for them too.

[slithytove]

So Amanda's husband could tell who was on their period?

[Iggi101]

She probably meant ff, given the context?

[SaucyJack]

weeblueberry

On dc3 here so I'm long past any dignity self-consciousness re: public feeding, but if I did prefer to use feeding rooms then yes I would absolutely expect my partner to wait outside. Or meet him later in the Apple store

I would find it hypocritical and selfish to say the least if I chose to use feeding rooms to protect my own privacy, but then compromised the privacy of any other women in there by taking my own DP in there for a bit of company.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Well, I don't know why he comments tbh lying
I suppose lots of the things we notice and mention about other ppl are none of our business. I don't understand why that sounds like "show and tell"
And he doesn't get a swift reminder. What I said was that he would get a swift reminder about his manners if he were staing at anyone. He's not given to staring thankfully.
I like a man with manners.

I was making the point that it is possible to look without staing. That there's a difference.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ah yes. I meant ff.

[surromummy]

oh come on, a dp/dh cannot help with bf. I explained I had massive probs, latching, trying not to suffocate the baby etc, having dp there would not of helped in the slightest, other than moral support.
No need for men in feeding rooms and feeding/changing rooms should be separate rooms.
I would not hesitate to ask someones partner to leave if I was in there feeding, its exactly the same as dps on postnatal wards out of visiting hours, you just don't need that when your tired, emotional, vunerable and having problems.

[surromummy]

And my exdp never once entered a feeding room whilst I bf! always sent him off to browse shops or get a coffee or something!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Sorry TheReal... I think I lumped your husband in with the other two, the description of whom made me feel quite sick, yours would just annoy me. The 'show and tell' was about your husband pointing out the feeding methods to you - I'm assuming that you have perfectly good eyesight. Women feeding their babies can be sensitive; other women seem to know this - why don't some men? They should keep their comments to themselves if they must be there, in a supporting role, not looking at what other women are doing.

[VikingLady]

Some posters seem to think you can't ever tell that a man is "ogling" - of course you can! Not always, but sometimes it is pretty fucking obvious! I had to take a long train journey with DD when she was 1m and we were still struggling with the latch. I sat by the window with SH next to the aisle blocking the rest of the carriage's view (he's a big chap). A bloke on the other side of the aisle craned to the side to get a better view!

He must have been seriously deprived if that was the best view of boobs he'd had recently. And yes, that was ogling.

[weeblueberry]

surromummy the moral support he gave being around was what made the difference. I was so anxious about feeding that I'd often get stressed and panicked which DD obviously would pick up on making it doubly difficult to feed. Him being there, distracting me and talking to DD probably made it possible for me to feed in public places. I guess if things were the way you'd like it I would have probably had to stop breastfeeding sadly.

[SaucyJack]

So what about all the other women who would've been stressed and panicked by the sight of your DP in a feeding room? You may well have been responsible for someone else giving up BF.

Feeding rooms are not public places btw. Or (ironically) they wouldn't be if users didn't insist on dragging their husbands/mothers/next-door-neighbours dogs in with them.

[weeblueberry]

Yeah, fair enough I suppose. I guess in my mind it's just another father of another baby who sees breastfeeding all the time so it didn't bother me. As opposed to anyone and everyone if I'd had to do it outside.

It's interesting to hear so many people opposed to it as when I was feeding virtually every father was with his partner in the rooms I used regularly.

[maddening]

even if you were sat in a cafe reading a book and found someone staring at you I'm sure you'd find it intrusive and irritating and that is in a public area not a feeding room.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

weeblueberry... I wouldn't have any objection to your husband/partner/whomever being in the room supporting you, as long as he was doing that and not paying attention to what other women are doing. It's that that would make me feel awkward, not him being there.

The fact that feeding rooms have been set aside makes them quite special to some women, a private, quiet place where they can relax, feel safe and feed in peace. It's therefore not that big a stretch to see why some women would feel stressed if men in the room, are looking at them when there's no reason for them to do that.

Quite honestly, if I'd been feeding my baby and encountered the husbands of the two posters on this thread who smile benignly whilst their husbands are looking around at other women, I would have been quite sharp with them - the men and their partners. Why wouldn't a man, attending in support, be actually supporting the mothers of their babies rather than looking around? Just the thought of it makes me feel so, so uneasy and I wonder at the men that do this AND the partners who feel this is normal, nice, natural and any other woefully inaccurate descriptions. It's none of those things, it's entitled and selfish behaviour that makes some women very uneasy.

[weeblueberry]

Oh of course Lying. DP was very very clearly focused on me and DD. He didn't exactly have time to have lingering eyes. :) I had never really considered that other people were so offended by his presence and I'm a bit concerned he's upset people inadvertently. The first time we used one we had a chat about whether he should be in there or not but when we went in and saw couples, people bottle feeding etc we assumed it was the norm for men to be in there too...

[zippey]

Im not implying breastfeeding isn't normal, it is.

I mean that its not common for some men and women to see other woman breast feeding. And it might be hard to stare at something which is unusual and fascinating to the person.

If its a baby feeding room though, and a father is out with a child on his own, should he not be allowed to use this facility? Or should it only be for women? Its a bit like the mother and baby changing areas at swimming pools.

[slithytove]

Surely having a room that is just for breast feeding is a wee bit discriminatory? I'm not trying to be precious as I am a happy breast feeder, but I would have thought the seats and the relaxation are good for bottle feeding as well.

And if a feeding room is a feeding room, then anyone who needs to feed their baby should be allowed to use it. With no staring.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You should carry on weeblueberry; if everybody respects everybody else's privacy there really isn't an issue and you should be able to have support whilst you're feeding your child.

I've referred to it as a feeding room and that's what it is. Breastfeeding/formula-feeding - it's just feeding a child and really isn't a big deal.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

lying My dh has never accompanied me in a feeding room. If I have ever used one (rarely, only if ds needed a change also) he'd use it as an excuse to browse the techy section of JL.
And yes, sometimes he has noticed and mentioned when someone is feeding . I'm not sure why anyone would have a problem with that. I don't mind someone noticing that I'm feeding.
It's really no different from noticing/ mentioning that a Woman is wearing the same perfume / coat as mine or me telling him "oh, that guy has the new iPad/ Bose headphones" or whatever. Fleeting glance/ brief comment, on with the eating/ shopping/ clearing up after the DCs.
Nobodys running round with n effing tick chart, or addressing women in public about their babies (well nobody i know) Isn't it usual to notice babies, especially after you've had yours?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

staring is not appropriate.
As I said earlier.

[RedFocus]

This would not bother me at all, I breast fed everywhere, even while walking around a supermarket. My mum was very pushy and made sure I felt confident enough to feed anywhere at anytime. People will stare but you just ignore them.
He was a man after all

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

My FIL was/is a BF perve. I actually stopped BFing because of him. I never told DH as I knew he'd hit the roof and an all out family feud would have occurred, but I definitely understand the difference between staring into space/aww what a cute baby and leering.

[SpecialAgentFreyPie]

To whatever poster said we need comfortable, squishy sofas - YES!!!