to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Oh sorry special how horrible.
I agree, that women can tell the difference.

And yy to comfy sofas.

[ApocalypseThen]

Good grief, it's depressing to see how many women think that other women are unable to give an accurate description of what happened to them and how anxious to find any possible explanation for what a man was doing - other than the obvious.

Anyway, if your partner stares at breast feeding (phone likes "breast freedom"?), it's not good. He doesn't think he's looking at a lovely renaissance mother and child painting. He's a weirdo.

[Grennie]

I think a baby feeding from a mother is lovely. I know not to look and certainly not to stare. Consideration for others is a pretty basic thing to remember.

And yes, we all know the difference between staring vacantly into space, and leering.

[ApocalypseThen]

Well I just would be raising at least one eyebrow at a man staring at a breast feeding stranger who tried to argue that if wax the asexual snuggliness of the situation that caught his eye, but I'm a dreadful old cynic.

[Graciescotland]

I've had a bloke stare at me in the bf room in John Lewis and totally understand what you mean OP, I was really uncomfortable.

I've also had that look where people are almost compelled to watch a bfing child, I know it sounds weird but it feels different and doesn't bother me.

I think if your in the bf room you deserve a bit of privacy perhaps there should be a rule that only those actually bf are allowed in with baby of course.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

TheReal... No, I don't 'get it'. Why does your husband have to comment at all, presumably within the woman's hearing? It's something a toddler would do.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

It's a feeding room, Grace, don't make this about bf/ff because there's NO difference in so far as both are methods of child-feeding.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Why do you presume he's commenting within her hearing?

Do people always have to walk on eggshells around you? Because that's how you're making me feel.
I was explaining how I think "looking" which is typical and reasonable IMHO, is differ from "staring" which is neither, IMHO.
You seem determined to find offence in the fact that ppl (or maybe its just my dh) might talk about what they see.
So want if somebody mentions what they see? Why does that bother you?
Is it a secret?

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Maybe I have it all wrong lying
Clearly you never talk about what other ppl are doing and that's why you need a comprehensive explanation about a bit of benign and frankly, not very exciting, chit chat between my dh and I while we're out shopping

[fatlazymummy]

Well yes Amanda it is a secret to some people. They prefer to breastfeed in private, without other people (especially men) looking and/or commenting. Not everyone thinks or feels the same way as you do, obviously.

[fatlazymummy]

Sorry Amanda just noticed you don't take your husband into 'feeding rooms'.
However I would still say passing comment on women breastfeeding is a bit over personal really.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

So, it is not reasonable to notice someone breast feeding in public?

I think that's quite ordinary. I think it's quite nice to see someone breastfeeding. It doesn't mean I stare at them, or leer at them. But I sometimes notice and I think it's a good thing.
What's the offence? Having a positive opinion about breastfeeding?

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Don't see anything in graces' comment that makes discussion about bf vs ff
And my exp also used to point out or 'notice' bf mums, until I asked if he would do the same 'ooh look, things, that lady over there is ff'ing!!'
No, he wouldn't, so why for a bf mother
He didn't do it again, well so publically or loudly but he did say he thinks mothers who do it are brave.
Think for a lot of people these days, its unusual to see, which IMO is a damn shame, for instance my dc wouldn't stare because they're used to me doing it (desensitised?)
But despite seeing me bf two babies, one until the age of 3 1/2, exp just never got over himself.

Oh and though I'm brave outside the home I find that when a certain relative visits and sits there blatantly staring, I can't pull him up on it I think after this thread I definitely will because it's just not on.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I think it's difficult to exclude men from feeding rooms. (as discussed earlie) Although I think some women might feel more relaxed if they were an ex.usively mum and baby place.
If space were unlimited then there'd be great luxurious expanses of rooms for all our needs and wants.

Do men go in them to change or feed babies? Or are they only ever there to accompany their DPs?

I'm switching between this and the thread about feeding in a shop, it's interesting to see that we are far from just accepting the presence of breastfeeding.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

TheReal... If he/you don't pass comment in the womens' earshot then there's no issue is there? No eggshell walking required around me but your earlier posts appeared that he was commenting at the time. It makes all the difference and if that makes you feel uncomfortable; well maybe it should - I'd be incensed if my husband made comments in earshot, about other women.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Well. There's certainly no "issue" as far as I'm concerned.

[fatlazymummy]

If the room(or curtained off area) is specifically for breastfeeding , then yes, men should be excluded. Otherwise there isn't really a point - you might as well just breast feed in public.
People on mumsnet don't seem to understand that some women do not ever want to breast feed in front of men other than their own partner. Hence why some women will choose to go to their bedroom when guests are present. If you really want breast feeding rates to rise then allow for people's differences instead of saying 'well it doesn't bother me so it shouldn't bother anyone else either'.

[Grennie]

Some people seem to find it incredibly difficult, to see a situation from another person's point of view.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

It's rude to stare at anybody no matter what they are doing.

I'm not one for using feeding rooms but just because I don't it should not mean that those who do prefer privacy should not be able to have it.

And no if you are not feeding a baby or using the changing facilities (or a carer for the person doing the feeding) then you have no reason to be in the facilities. Someone sitting in there socialising with others whilst using the facilities may as well sit in public because that's what they are forcing other users to do.

[slithytove]

If there a is a feeding room, with a bf only section, then fine. No one but the bf mums and babies. But if it's just a feeding room, how can you reasonably exclude anyone who needs to feed a baby? Let alone if it's a combined feeding/changing room as in mothercare.

I have never seen a room designated for breast feeding only. Not in anyway implying they don't exist. But I've not seen one. And I don't think they should exist without also providing bottle feeding facilities.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Ok. I'm not sure which posts are being commented on now.

I think feeding rooms are a good idea as some ppl like a bit of privacy or want to change baby at the same time.
I certainly don't think women should have to go to a feeding room.
I think women should feed where they want.
I think ppl shouldn't stare.
I have occasionally used a feeding room
I have fed in cafe's, supermarkets and airports.....


Hope that's clear.

Still not sure if I've ever noticed a man going into a feeding/ changing room on his own with his baby.

[Freyathecatt]

I'm not sure i understand why someone ff a baby would need to use a designated baby feeding room. And i'm speaking as someone who bf and ff her baby. Surely the point of a baby feeding room is to afford people privacy to feed their baby? Why do you need privacy to ff a baby?

[slithytove]

Perhaps to use the bottle warming facilities, or to sit while feeding a baby. Or two if one has twins.

Assuming of course the room isn't also a changing room.

It's not just about privacy. I think if it was there wouldn't be 3/4 seats plus other facilities as in the mothercare changing rooms.

[rookiemater]

Freya - DS was ff after a few days due to tongue tie and personal circumstances. I sometimes used the feeding room at John Lewis as the other option is to sit in a cafe and spend money on coffee which I didn't have very much of at the time as I was on maternity leave. If there is enough room for all, then I can't quite see what the problem is - obviously I can see the problem with staring men though.

[ShadowFall]

We bottlefed DS1, and he refused to drink milk unless it was warmed. So if he needed feeding when we were out, we had to find somewhere to warm his milk (we used the ready-to-feed cartons of formula when out and about).

I tended to go into cafe's and ask them for a jug of hot water to warm the milk in, or use the car bottle warmer we had that plugged into the car's cigarette lighter, but I can see why someone else bottlefeeding might have wanted to go into a feeding room and use a bottlewarmer there if one was provided.