to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[eddielizzard]

the point of a feeding room is to feed in private, in a calm and quiet place.

not be fucking ogled by some bloke. sort of defeats the object.

[sweetsomethings]

But Aliama these are feeding rooms not just for those who breastfeed. So what about single dads who are out and want somewhere quiet to feed their baby? Its not uncommon for men to be a SAHD either equal rights and all that. Its different if its called a breast feeding room not a feeding and changing room.

[procrastinatingagain]

But surely it can't be reasonable for some women to not want some men to look at their breasts? Surely they should count themselves lucky if a man is interested in looking at them?

[Grennie]

I know it may be surprising to learn Amanda, but honest, it is true.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

some men want to look at women's breasts
Are you sure Grennie ? It's not just overly sensitive women fabricating this?

[Aliama]

Hmm... TBH, my personal feeling is that it's not appropriate for men to be in feeding rooms at all, whether they stare or not. It should never be necessary for a bfing woman to use a feeding room at all, but they should be available for women who are not comfortable bfing in front of men, perhaps for religious or modesty reasons, and in that case, allowing men in completely defeats the purpose of the room. It doesn't matter how respectful they are (and I'm sure most of them are), it's not appropriate.

[vexedfoxy]

Not being contemptuous at all. Live and let live. No harm has been done.

[eddielizzard]

when you're bf you're vulnerable. my babies would unlatch and look at me, look around the room, see who was there leaving me exposed. i got better at it but certainly took practice. i don't think i ever fed in public with my first. by the third i was feeding in airport queues.

i don't ever remember anyone staring at me, male or female. maybe the occasional child.

i would have felt very uncomfortable in a confined space with a man staring at me.

[Grennie]

vexed - You are ignoring the fact that it is a fairly common fetish for men to be turned on by breastfeeding mothers. And of course some men want to look at a womans breasts.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

Thats what i mean, the zoned out thing is bollocks.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

vexed the op says he was ogling.
Why are you choosing to not believe her?

[ExBrightonBell]

Vexed (great name btw as you are indeed vexing me) :- you.were.not.there.

Therefore you can't say that the OP wasn't being ogled and stared at, can you? And how rude to say that no one wants to look at her breasts anyway. That's the sort of comment immature teenagers make to each other in the playground.

Why are you being so contemptuous of another person?

[vexedfoxy]

Over sensitive OP..chill out and feed your baby no one wants to look at your breasts

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

There's no need for anybody to be 'zoned out' at somebody else though is there?

Why wasn't he 'zoned out' with his gaze on his own partner? I forgot... some men just like being there, and so they should be there, of course, and their partners don't seem to have enough about them to hold their attention...

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

No. He was staring.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

I dont really get the whole maybe he was tired and zoned out think, I think people would be more aware than that.

Im bloody tired but ive never zoned out amd come back round to find myself staring at a bf mother, or some blokes crotch!

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

The thing is (IMHO) that if the man wasn't ogling, Or staring, then yes, the op is being over sensitive. Of course ppl look at other ppl. Ppl sometimes "look through" others when they're zoned out. Thats all normal and super and polite etc. Stop being so previous, poor bloke just going about his business.
But if he was ogling (leering or staring int he way that the op described) then she's not being over sensitive. He was being rude.
As she was there and none other of us were (well, as far as I know) then I think we have to accept her assessment of his gaze.
In which case she is neither over sensitive nor unreasonable.
Unless it is, in fact, acceptable to "ogle"

[Devora]

If any bugger is entitled to sit in the feeding room and behave however they want, and if women should have no flesh on show and not complain if they are leered at, then what the chuff is the point in having the feeding room at all?

Honestly, do some people really need common courtesy spelled out for them like this?

[vexedfoxy]

Sighs.....no I don't think it is ok for a man or indeed a woman to stare at a breast feeding mother. ExBrightonbell hits the spot perfectly. Most men would look at floor/ceiling anywhere but the woman when they are breast feeding.......I think OP is being over-sensitive however. That is just my view, I am out of this discussion.

[ExBrightonBell]

I don't think anyone should be asked to leave a feeding room, if they are being considerate and polite!

Anyone who legitimately needs to be in there should feel free to use the facilities. But it's reasonable to expect that they are considerate to others eg no staring, ogling, name calling, leering, etc.

[aermingers]

I suspect if the baby was very new and the mother was struggling that he may well not have been 'ogling' but instead curious that someone was doing it so easily and trying to see how. If they're having problems with feeding it may have been just that.

Still inconsiderate to stare.

[sweetsomethings]

No he wouldn't stare. In fact he turns his chair to face me and the baby. Can i just add that its not only men that stare at someone breastfeeding. I have on occasion been leered at other woman who are bottle feeding their child. I have also been called a hippy by a grandparent who was in with a young girl giving her baby a bottle. Do people think that other woman should be asked to leave as well?

[ExBrightonBell]

Of course your DH shouldn't need to ask permission to accompany you, and sit with you. But presumably he wouldn't then ignore you, sit opposite another bfeeding woman and stare at her whilst she is feeding?

[sweetsomethings]

Of course i would tell them to stop but they wouldn't stare as its natural for them to see a woman breastfeed. It was mostly the other posts about only the woman feeding needed to use the room. When sometimes you have no choice to take others in with you. I dont think my husband should have to ask permission to be in the room either or be made to feel like some sort of weirdo for choosing to sit with his wife during what can be a very long feed.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

And hopefully you would tell your children to stop!