to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That's not the same Lucked; somebody zoned out isn't avidly looking and to be honest, they look 'zoned out'.

There have been a couple of posters on this thread who've said that their husbands think it's so 'lovely' that they gawp. I personally would find that creepy beyond belief and really disrespectful, almost 'proprietorial' as if they have the 'right' because it's public.

[DrankSangriaInThePark]

A feeding room is also for dads who are bottle feeding. There are usually cubicles in places like John Lewis though.

We women can't have it both ways. We can't normalise breastfeeding and at the same time insist that we should have the right to do it without men being present.

It's either normal, in which case we do it, wherever we feel like it. Or it's not normal, and we humph if a man comes within 100 paces while we do it.

I wonder if I am strange, (don't answer please ) because tbh, if I found myself in the line of sight of a man, whose eyes happened to be falling upon my person, breasts out or not, I'd be more likely to think "what? have I got my skirt tucked in my pants?" rather than think I was being "ogled".

And as for the comments directed at those of us not there...well, that's all a bit pots and kettles, no?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't think anybody said men shouldn't be present? People, men and women, should respect other people's privacy though and keep their eyes - lascivious or admiring - on their own activities.

Breastfeeding is entirely normal but for me, it's private. I'm discreet and don't expect other people to 'gaze' or come over and 'congratulate' me. Some women like this; I don't. I think that if you're not adept at reading body language then keep your distance.

[SaucyJack]

Actually "We women" should have the right to decide for our individual selves if we want privacy and discretion or not when feeding (or anything else for that matter) Sangria. The OP clearly does want privacy, and seeing as she was in an entirely appropriate place then anyone with an IQ of over 20 should have the decency to respect this and not stare.

And even if someone does choose to feed publically for convenience, she should still have the right to do so without anyone ogling, cat'sbumfacing or gazing creepily adoringly at her as tho she were the reincarnation of Madonna and child.

If my baby were older and I fed her a sandwich when she ggot hungry whilst out and about, noone would bat an eyelid. Breastfeeding shouldn't be any different.

[fluffyraggies]

I dont think anyone has said a man should not have been in there. (correct me if i'm wrong)

i said my DH wouldn't stay if another woman was BFin in there. I didn't mean that was right or proper. Just sharing my experience of his attitude to being 'aware'.

There are lots of circumstances in which it's be rude/insensitive to look closely or stare at another person. It's just social awareness that tells us that surely?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You'd think so, fluffyraggies but social awareness seems to have taken a backseat for some. I found the comments from the posters who think their 'DH's' are right to gaze, really jarring. It's like a woman is public property and because she's doing something 'heartily approved of', that's fine.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

a bit pots and kettles, no?
No.
Because what ppl have said is that the OP who was there would have a better idea than posters who were not there about whether or not he was staring or just looking briefly or zoned out or whatever.
I don't think anupyone has said that they have a better idea of the nature of his gaze than another poster. Just that the word of the op is more reliable than that of someone not present.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Of course ppl look. At people, at babies, at breasts, at feeding.....
But that's not the same as staring.
Which is what the op felt was happening.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

We women can't have it both ways

Totally disagree with that. When I was learning to breastfeed DS1 I really needed a private, random male free zone to relax and do it properly.

By the time I had DC4 I was happy to whip out my boob under cover of a muslin in MacDonalds while the older ones made a mockery of my optimum nutrition philosophy with a Happy Meal.

Both valid choices I think.

[CaptainHindsight]

Staring people know they are doing it. I have mastered the art of not blinking for a very long time to combat these uncomfortable extended eye contact lovers.

"What the bloody hell are you looking at?" works well. As does turning to look behind you and looking back with a bemused expression.

I'm probably being rude though, obviously my right not to be started out is far outweighed by other peoples rights to make me uncomfortable. Intentional or otherwise.

[polarpercy]

It doesn't seem to matter where you feed as someone will take offence! Don't know if anyone has seen this piece from Epstein in the Mail disgusted at women feeding in public? Really horrible piece that makes me wish there were more feeding rooms about, I'm not fussed if there are men in there as long as they are with a baby or their partner! But, I appreciate that the rooms are supposed to be safe havens to feed in peace and understand if other women don't want men there.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I don't think women can insist that feeding rooms are male-free. I don't even think it's reasonable to suggest it. I do think it's entirely reasonable to ask people to respect the privacy of others who may not want to 'celebrate' child-feeding but just get on with it quietly.

Respecting the privacy of others is always going to be the best and preferred option and you can never offend.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

polarpercy... Epstein's entitled to her opinion as is everybody else. The law supports the rights of the child to be fed. That doesn't mean that people have to like it - and those that don't will like it less in a 'flash mob' setting. I thought the demonstration was a bit pathetic but at the same time, I'm in favour of women feeding their children however they want to, I'm not interested in the subject more than that, it's never-ending and tedious.

I think there's too much fanfare and constant need for public approbation and praise about everything now. I blame the media for that, the low-quality of journalism and the people that 'read' it.

[samandi]

We women can't have it both ways. We can't normalise breastfeeding and at the same time insist that we should have the right to do it without men being present.

Why not?

And, as far as I'm aware, no-one has objected to the idea of men being in the feeding room. The problem is being stared at.

tbh, if I found myself in the line of sight of a man, whose eyes happened to be falling upon my person, breasts out or not, I'd be more likely to think "what? have I got my skirt tucked in my pants?" rather than think I was being "ogled".

It's not a particularly uncommon thing for men to ogle women.

And as for the comments directed at those of us not there...well, that's all a bit pots and kettles, no?

Not particularly, no.

[KatnipEvergreen]

Regardless of in which direction he was looking (and most people can tell when someone is staring at them, even without seeing them, it's an instinctive sense) he shouldn't have been sitting opposite her, even if it was the only seat, and looking in her direction, even if it was a vacant stare.

Common courtesy. Just like you cross the road if you are a man walking behind a woman on the pavement (especially in a quiet area or after dark), you don't stand in someone's personal space at any time if it can be avoided, you don't sit next to someone on the bus if there are loads of other seats available.

And you don't stare overtly at a woman's crotch in the gym while she is on the hip adductor machine as someone used to do to me while I was in second year at university.

[TheBody]

never been in a breast feeding room to be honest. if you need to feed just do it wherever you are. you only need a seat and not always that matters.

I hate these rooms as it keeps up the ridiculous notion that bf should somehow be hidden away.

feed and be damned I say.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

You don't like feeding rooms, TheBody, some women do. Thank goodness that there's some sensitivity towards giving women a choice even if some women seem not keen to support that choice.

Katnip... exactly! Awareness of sensibilities and other people's personal space is what's needed.

[TheBody]

just read the article from someone called Angela Epstein.

never heard of her and if she tutted at me during my bf days I would assume she was on drugs to be honest.

she needs to get herself a proper job and stop writing crap articles for crap comics like the dm.

[polarpercy]

Lying of course she is entitled to her opinion, as am I in saying I thought it was a poorly written and unpleasant piece. There doesn't need to be the polar extremes in feeding; hidden away versus flash mob. Her piece seems to be going out of the way to find offence in women breastfeeding.

The comment in the article about a woman feeling violated by someone breastfeeding next to her at a bus stop was just bizarre. I doubt very much that in such a public place anything was particularly visible. And, if it was you could simply look away rather than stare to ensure you are offended.

[slithytove]

I think the feeding rooms are great for new mums who are just getting to grips with bf, or parents who want to take that time out to bond with their child while feeding (either parent, any feeding method), they are handy. Saves one having out find a cafe while shopping.

Also it's somewhere to keep all the feeding stuff that places offer like bottle warmers etc.

Toys r us should think about doing one as it makes it much easier to spend hours in a big baby shop.

And I never ever got to grips with feeding DS while standing.

[TheBody]

Lying the more society sees women breast feeding the more it will be accepted as normal.

honestly you really can't see any boob if the baby is feeding anyway.

[Iggi101]

My 6 year old knows it's rude to stare.

[TheBody]

you can feed standing while stirring a bolognaise and helping your teenage lad to do English homework and watching toddler doesn't touch the cooker.

women are awesome beings!

[Iggi101]

I like the feeding rooms at times as I have paid for so many cups of coffee I don't really want in order to get a seat somewhere.. Quite rare to find a comfy seat in a shop that you can park on for 20 mins, so room in mothercare is handy. Have also fed on oark benches, buses, planes.. But at times a wee sofa and a glass of chilled water is just the ticket.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

TheBody... Society needs to "mind it's own business" actually. Let people get on with their lives. I find it extremely irritating when people see fit to tell me I should be doing it this way or that way. I don't care what other people do within their own right to do so.

BF 'messiahs' get on my tits bore me senseless. Plenty of us just get on with it - as we want to - without the need (or wish) to make a point of it.

I take issue with your post as you are advocating that feeding rooms should be removed and people should just feed as you see fit. That's an awfully paternalistic viewpoint and I don't like it. I want people to have the choice and free will how to feed their children.