to not be ogled in a feeding room

[spinnergeologist]

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Although I do agree with your last post... multi-tasking is a great skill to have.

[ipswichwitch]

Frankly I resent being stared at wether I am bf, drinking a coffee or even tying my shoes. It's rude, aggressive and unnecessary.
And to all those who don't believe a man would actually ogle at someone bf, it happens, and it has happened to me. The creep was twisting in his seat to get a good look and had the nerve to give me a right sleazy leer when I made eye contact. Saying rather loudly "what the hell are you staring at?" made him scuttle off when several people turned to look at him.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

you can feed standing while stirring a bolognaise and helping your teenage lad to do English homework and watching toddler doesn't touch the cooker.

I can't. My 9 mo would have attempted to dive head first into the bolognaise and been far too interested in the English homework to eat. Which would then get sprayed with breastmilk.

I'm not a major fan of feeding rooms - as they are usually also nappy changing rooms and smell of poo - but occassionally if I can't face yet another orange juice in a pub, it's cold outside and I can't find an indoor seat I use them. Like iggi - it's just nice to sit on a comfy sofa.

[RiverTam]

sorry, TheBody, I find your attitude irritating at best, exceptionally unhelpful at worst. I have a really bad back and I really struggled with the latch to begin with, which meant a lot of boob flashing as I battled with my tiny, weak baby to latch on - I did need a seat, and when you're out shopping a feeding room is often the only place, unless you want to fork out for an extortionate cuppa. And if John Lewis wants to provide one, bloody brilliant.

Without feeding rooms, I may not have left the house so much - knowing they were there too the pressure off.

I actually think your comments are really nasty - are you always that bloody superior?

[ShadowFall]

you can feed standing while stirring a bolognaise and helping your teenage lad to do English homework and watching toddler doesn't touch the cooker.

I can't manage breastfeeding standing up and am slightly in awe of anyone who can manage to do this! I was very impressed when an acquaintance told me last week that she'd breastfed her baby while walking round the supermarket doing the shopping.

But. Feeding rooms. I've never used one, but if I'd needed to feed DS2 when out and about in the early days then I'd have happily dived into one, rather than spend 10 mins faffing about flashing my breast to anyone nearby while trying to get DS2 to latch on.

(Happily he now latches on straight away, so I can feed in public without having to worry about accidentally showing my breasts off)

[KoalaFace]

How strange that some posters are defending a man they don't know, didn't see at the time and haven't been given more information other than the description if him "ogling". The defence? "Breastfeeding isn't sexy".

You know what, I refuse to believe that when I was 13 and sexually assaulted on the train by a man that I was doing anything "sexy". Or that me walking to the toilets in a bar was so "sexy" it warranted a creep grabbing my bum.

Do you seriously think that there are no men out there who will stare at a woman breastfeeding in the hopes of seeing her breasts?

The OP felt uncomfortable and has described the man as "ogling". Why the rush to doubt her? I think it's very strange.

[MoominsYonisAreScary]

Ive only used a bf room once, to contain the toddler while i was feeding the newborn in tesco.

I dont mind people looking or taking an interest in a positive way, wouldnt like to be stared at though.

[daphnehoneybutt]

Excellent points made by KoalaFace

[FryOneFatManic]

I accidentally came across a website once, men who got off on breastfeeding mothers. From the brief glimpse I got, these guys have fantasies about having sex while they themselves are taking milk from a woman. Yuck. Never found it again, but I sure needed the brain bleach.

So yes, I can believe there are men ogling breast feeding women.

[KellyElly]

How strange that some posters are defending a man they don't know, didn't see at the time and haven't been given more information other than the description if him "ogling". The defence? "Breastfeeding isn't sexy". This playing devils advocate, wanting to pick and argument in every OP and leaving comments dripping in sarcasm is becoming all too familiar on AIBU now. It's becoming very tedious.

[procrastinatingagain]

I found breastfeeding so, so difficult and could never have managed to feed standing up. And some people simply don't feel comfortable with the idea of taking their breast out of their clothing in public, whether it can be seen by others or not. I, for one, am rather self-concious about my breasts, as they are rather large and low down and, rightly or wrongly, I would rather no-one else saw them tbh. I don't think that this makes me conceited in a "all men want to look at my tits" way. I would never stare at anyone in public for any reason, and I think most people are taught at a young age that this is rude. If there is the added dimension of the person being stared at having a part of the body that is usually kept covered, exposed, then this adds another dimension to the situation, and I would say that it constitutes ogling. The man had a choice of whether to stare or not, and he chose to stare.

[caruthers]

I have rarely seen mothers breastfeeding in public so either they have been very discreet or I need my eyes testing again.

The OP obviously felt uncomfortable for whatever reason but the problem is that if breastfeeding has a surge of public-ness there are going to be some people who take a sly peek or ogle.

Staring at people is rude and most people don't do it but we have to accept that some people just will.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Yes, people of low standards - and their accepting partners - will happily make women feel uncomfortable. I suppose they'll have to be called on their behaviour as they're lacking the sensibilities to realise for themselves.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Sorry that you were were assaulted koalaface
But good post.

[TheBigJessie]

TheBody
you can feed standing while stirring a bolognaise

Actually, I had twins. Approximately 3% of births in the UK today are twin, triplets or more. I could breastfeed one baby standing up. I could not do two, and sometimes my babies had the audacity to be hungry at the same time. And also, having young babies is tiring, even if it's just the one, and a comfortable seat is nice.

Were you totally unable to see beyond your own life, or do you believe I should not have been able to go into the town centre, fully confident I could find somewhere to feed my babies when they needed it?

[slithytove]

See the thing is, I can't make bolognese and I have never been able to bf standing up (big boobs fussy baby ligament issues in arm), but now thebody has told me I can, well, go me! Booyah

not sure why I would be stirring a bolognese in mothercare

[TheBigJessie]

Even for me, a good sling was necessary to feed one while standing. Oh, and I never fed while cooking, because suspending/holding a baby's face and body near gas flames, boiling liquids and sharp knives would have been fucking stupid.

[CrispyFB]

My mother loves to tell me the story of when she was breastfeeding my older sister in the woods, and a man appeared from behind a tree, spanking the monkey in full view. Appalled does not cover her reaction adequately!

I also had some creepy man staring at me when I was in recovery with DC3 feeding him - sure, he could have been staring into space but there were plenty of other places he could stare - his own partner for starters. And I deliberately gave him some proper filthy looks which he would have spotted if he'd been "accidentally" staring - no, he continued to stare just the same. DH had gone home to fetch the DC from nursery etc so I was all on my own and drugged up.. not a nice experience.

Conversely when DC2 was barely a week old, and we were out shopping and we stopped in Mothercare so we could change and feed her. DH was going to change her and then keep me company/pass me stuff (extra blankets for height, water etc) whilst I breastfed her. Except before he had a chance to change the baby let alone get a good ogle at anybody(!!) he was ordered out the changing room by a member of staff. Apparently a woman with a baby that looked to be at least six months, probably older, felt uncomfortable with him in there. Her partner was allowed to stay, however, whilst I, suffering from the baby blues as it was, awkwardly breastfed my brand new baby with a bad latch in front of him And DH wandered round the store for half an hour waiting for me with nowhere to sit.

If I'd been more with it I'd have asked him to leave too, but was already feeling incredibly fragile and didn't want the confrontation.

For the record I personally have no issue at all with men in changing rooms/nursing rooms, but would rather they didn't stare. Not that I've ever had one do so in such a place, although I don't use them much as I'm a lot more confident with BF once their latch is sorted so flashing is unlikely. I've had some do it in other places (I suspect it's more of an "appalled of Tunbridge Wells" stare though from their expressions!) but a proper glare usually sees them off.

[caruthers]

Most mothers who breastfeed are perfectly OK breastfeeding in public.

But some mothers are not (Which I suppose is perfectly natural).

So it's a win lose situation that nobody benefits from.

[yesnoyesnoyesno]

What a creeper, how horrible for you OP.

Lots of people on here defending the man, didn't realise there were so many MRA on mumsnet

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

men to be excluded from wherever said baby- feeding is taking place
Actually nobody has said that.
Well, apart from you.
I think it's reasonable to not want ppl to stare tbh. Not sure what that has to do with being an advocate of breastfeeding.

[crispyporkbelly]

I would've told him to stop staring and he was making me uncomfortable. But I have a thing about me staring, pisses me right off.

Don't actually see the point in men being in there actually.

[CrohnicallyChanging]

RiverTam same here, DD has tongue tie and was very poor at latching. In the early days, feeding consisted of me holding Dd in various gymnastic style poses with one arm, while manipulating my boob and nipple into different shapes to ensure DD could latch. Once on, DD would slurp, click, and occasionally slide right off (allowing a jet of milk to shoot up to 5 or 6 feet across the room).

Meanwhile, due to the pumping i had to do when DD couldn't latch, i had a huge oversupply of milk and I had to stuff a nappy down the other side of my bra, otherwise both me and DD would be soaked.

I definitely needed to sit down, and preferred privacy to go through all that! So rather than stay inside all the time, I timed trips out around visiting shops that I knew had nice feeding rooms.

Once DD reached 8 weeks or so, things started to improve and we were more confident in feeding, so at that point I felt able to feed her in public.

It's good to have both options available, it's not as clear cut as some mothers prefer privacy and some are happy to feed in public, the same person might prefer one or the other at different times. If DD asked for a feed now, I'd probably want to do it in private again since she has basically day weaned and I would have to remove my bra to feed her, it would also reduce the number of times she stops and looks round to see what she is missing!

[sandiy]

My youngest is 9 now I once had some disgusting bloke photograph me on his camera phone feeding on Mothercare feeding benches.Im normally really assertive but there is something about nursing small babies that takes away some of your kick ass and leaves you vulnerable.I do think that feeding rooms should be female orientated spaces for mums of small baby's .By the time you ve fed for a while most women get their confidence back in my opinion.My biggest regret was that I did not wipe the floor with that bloke, but at that point I just did nt have the energy.