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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be ogled in a feeding room

218 replies

spinnergeologist · 20/03/2014 03:09

Hi,

I was out yesterday and popped into mother care to use their feeding room which has two comfy chairs a bench and changing facilities. I settled my bb for a feed (breast-feeding) and a couple walked into the room. I actually don't mind men being around in the feeding room (nothing to see with a well placed muslin), plus I know a few single dads who feel they lack decent facilities for them to give a feed, but when my hubby has been in the reverse situation he has always asked the other lady if she would mind if he stays. This bloke didn't, sat opposite me and spent the entire time staring as though he had never seen someone breastfeed before. I expect that kind of behaviour in public places but not in feeding rooms, their are benches outside for people to wait. I didn't ask him to leave as his partner was struggling with a new baby and seemed to need his morel (he didn't actually help physically) support and I felt sorry for her.

AIBU to expect people to have a bit of courtesy?

OP posts:
ExBrightonBell · 20/03/2014 08:53

No YANBU, some courtesy is what would be expected. Sorry you felt uncomfortable, it must have been an odd experience for you. Don't let it put you off though as it's his issue not yours.

Sadly lots of people don't have simple courtesy, and need reminding. I would definitely have spoken to him to make the point that I was aware he was being a bit strange. However I realise that not everyone is comfortable doing this.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 20/03/2014 08:57

If there was nothing to see, then what was he ogling at? Confused

SaucyJack · 20/03/2014 08:58

Also it is difficult sometimes to not look when something different to the norm is happening.

WTF? So feeding a baby in Mothercare's feeding room now abnormal?

UriGeller · 20/03/2014 09:00

I'll bet later, he said to his struggling-with-BFing missus, "there was a lady in the feeding room, she was kind of holding her baby like this, do you think that might help?"

formerbabe · 20/03/2014 09:04

Urigeller...bet he didn't.

Loads of men can be really weird.

samandi · 20/03/2014 09:05

My dh stares at breastfeeders. He isn't actually staring at the lady. He's staring at the comfort and happiness the baby gets. He says it looks snuggly and loving. Slightly weird? Yes. But harmless.

It's not harmless if it freaks women out. Staring at anyone is usually considered extremely rude and aggressive behaviour.

Freyathecatt · 20/03/2014 09:07

Whether or not he was 'ogling', staring is rude. OP chose to go into a feeding room which would theoretically offer her a safe haven to breastfeed. I'm really quite surprised at the tone of some of these posts, OP isn't cussing the man for anything other than staring at her while she was doing something that makes some mums feel vulnerable. It's about manners, nothing else.

Next time OP, speak up or move making it obvious that you are uncomfortable with his attention.

samandi · 20/03/2014 09:08

Can't believe how many people think it's acceptable. I thought the point of feeding rooms was that they are a private and safe space for women to breastfeed. Not everyone feels comfortable breastfeeding in cafes and other public places.

Staring is rude. End of. He should've looked elsewhere.

Freyathecatt · 20/03/2014 09:08

To be clear i'd be equally narked if another woman sat and stared at me while breastfeeding.

formerbabe · 20/03/2014 09:09

God, I would be mortified if my dh stared at breast feeding women, for any reason!

Footle · 20/03/2014 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grennie · 20/03/2014 09:13

That is awful OP.

And to others, when you are there you can tell if someone is ogling or not.

Koothrapanties · 20/03/2014 09:17

I love how all these posters who weren't there know exactly what he was doing!

Op if he made you uncomfortable I think you should have said something. A simple "please stop staring at me, it is making me uncomfortable " would have been fine.

To the poster who's dh stares at bfing women, that's not ok, please tell him to stop and just look at you, not random women.

CarryOnDancing · 20/03/2014 09:29

I'd have felt more uncomfortable being in a small space with two strangers and not talking to them. Could that have contributed?

By using the word "ogling", are you saying you felt this man was looking at you in some sort of sexual way?
If so, wouldn't that be a funny assumption, just because he's male?

brokenhearted55a · 20/03/2014 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

candycoatedwaterdrops · 20/03/2014 10:03

OP herself said there was nothing to look at!

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 20/03/2014 10:05

News flash: no one really cares about your baby or your feeding.

horrid comment and probably untrue.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 20/03/2014 10:06

i experienced the opposite, blokes were always really awkward if they came into the feeding/changing room and I was bfing - I was always discreet and everything.

WorraLiberty · 20/03/2014 10:13

There is nothing remotely sexy about breast feeding

I agree, if he has a newborn baby he was probably zoned out.

Either way, "Excuse me I can't concentrate when you're looking at me", would have done I think.

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2014 10:17

My DH wouldn't have stayed in the feeding room at all i don't think. Unless it was just me, him and DD in there.

He would never stay in the same room where his DSIS was feeding, or SIL, and now i'm BFing he's twitchy about who's in the room at the time and whether i'm covered adequately or not. He makes me twitchy!

I think a man sat staring is v.odd.

RiverTam · 20/03/2014 10:25

gosh, I gaze into the middle-distance all the time, without noticing what's in front of me at all. He was probably knackered and zoned into a 1000 yard stare, that's all.

thegreatgatsby101 · 20/03/2014 10:25

You said yourself there was nothing to see so why do you think he was ogling?! Just because he's a male?
Sigh....

My husband often looks at breastfeeding. Not because he's an ogling perv but because he finds babies nursing a really beautiful thing to see; the bedrock of society. He doesn't go around ogling at women's breasts, but if he was in a room where a baby was being breastfed he's so immune to breastfeeding that he probably would look at you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/03/2014 10:28

Vampyre, it's not a horrid comment; it's probably quite true. I find it comforting actually, that nobody cares what I'm doing.

I would be incensed to have anybody overtly staring at me and I would think there was something very wrong with them. There's just no need for it.

For all that breastfeeding is a perfectly normal activity, some people don't want a fanfare about it and just want to get on with it in peace - as is their right - without being patronised or gawped at.

samandi · 20/03/2014 10:31

I've no idea if he was "ogling" or not, though I'm more inclined to believe the opinion of the person who was actually there at the time.

But whether it was "ogling" or not, staring is rude and an invasion of privacy. I'm astonished at the number of posters who don't seem to grasp this. Do you all go around staring at people just going about their day to day lives normally? Staring is a sign of aggression and dominance, that's why many men don't routinely stare at other men but are happy to stare at women. It's why women are taught to lower their eyes in the presence of men in many parts of the world.

In an environment such as a feeding room I think women are entitled to a certain degree of privacy.

Lucked · 20/03/2014 10:43

I agree that the word ogling has sexual undertones which I struggle to believe partly because breastfeeding isn't sexy and partly because the op has stated that she was covered with a muslin and nothing was visible. So what was he ogling? the back of her babies head?

My DH may well have sat down and zoned out, he canzone out in about 5 seconds. if the chair was facing yours it would appear he was looking at you. He wouldn't ogle he is just so au fait with breastfeeding woman that it may not cross his mind that he shouldn't sit next to one.