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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this?

544 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 15/03/2014 23:39

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable! I met this really really lovely guy today and I was hoping he'd ask me out because we hit it off instantly! When I came home he did and I was absolutely delighted, we decided on the cinema and he texted saying "I'll book the tickets, can you look after the grub?"
I can't help but be really put off by him now, I'm disgusted with myself Blush
I haven't been on a date in about six years as I was with my ex and he wasn't working for the majority of our relationship so I'm super scared of ending up with a stinge (this guy is working by the way)

Am I being horrible? It's really put me off him!

OP posts:
wowfudge · 16/03/2014 10:32

Copa - yes! Whatever you do OP, don't show Dateman this thread.

Somersetlady · 16/03/2014 10:33

I have quite a few single friends that would love to meet the kind of guy you have described and aren't to tight to pay they own way on a first date - perhaps you would DM me his number OP and i could pass it on to someone more concerned with great company for a good evening than who pays or books what ?

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 10:33

I never said I wasn't bothered about going, I've always maintained I am still bothered about going but yes when I got that text I was in the middle of trying on an array of outfits and feeling quite excited, it did burst my bubble a little bit yes.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 10:35

See what he means by 'grub'. If it's a nice restaurant, you are on to another live one. If you enjoy being taken for a ride, go for it.

Or pull a fast one, show up with a meal deal from Gregg's.

I love a good tight arse or cocklodger thread. There are SO many out there.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 10:35

Impatient, i had to pay more for babysitter than the costof the nighrs out. I also earn less.
Pay me what the man at the next desk earns.

Well if you can't afford to split the cost of the date then you shouldn't go on the date or should suggest doing something cheaper or go for lunch when the children are at school / on play dates.
I don't think that babysitter costs are your dates problem. If you go for a drink with a date then you should both 'get a round in', if you go for a meal then you split the bill equally (unless he is obtuse and orders champagne and oysters because he knows you are paying half), regardless of whether you had to get a babysitter of buy a new dress or get a taxi or whatever. The costs of the activity that you do on your date should be shared (or at least offered to share).

LizCurly · 16/03/2014 10:36

Geez relax folks. Not op's fault there are 8 pages of discussion. She isnt saying she is not going.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 10:38

Why should you split anything? Fuck that! Person asks other person out. Askee pays. Going Dutch is what you do with mates, not dates.

LizCurly · 16/03/2014 10:39

Impatient, i did used to treat him to drinks. And flightscwhen we went away. I paid about a third id say plus whatever babysitting costs i had. But the fact was it cost me more to go out with him than it cost him to go out with me. He was aware of this tho. He wanted to go out with me.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 10:39

People may think it is anti-feminist and old-fashioned but I can't help it. Generosity, willingness to share resources, I find it sexy on a primal level, like muscles.

But it isn't generosity and a willingness to share because you are saying that 'I will use all your cash and keep mine for myself'; where is the sharing in that? Do you not think that some men might find it sexy on a primal level to have a woman who is independent and willing to pay her own way and not see him as a cash cow?

Sunbow · 16/03/2014 10:40

I've read a lot of threads on here from women who don't have joint accounts, don't know how much their DH earns, who have to scrimp and save and go without while their DH buys himself expensive toys. Those kind of men are probably the same kind of men that would insist on splitting the bill down to the last penny on the first date.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 10:41

Liz curly - that is fine, you did contribute. I don't expect anyone to sit and work out exactly 50%; I couldn't imagine anything worse. Buying a few drinks is what I would do and I think is what most men appreciate.

LizCurly · 16/03/2014 10:42

..... and the end result was to take the gloss off the situation quicker for me than for him. So, these financial "burns" bring things in to sharp focus quicker imo. Maybe i would have rumbled on another year with that man if id had no banysitting costs.

Slainte · 16/03/2014 10:43

Do you think he might have meant just for you to book a restaurant OP?

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 10:44

Expat - do you also have a list of 'Twenty first date questions you really must ask if you want to really fuck things up be sure you should even consider a second date' which the OP can take with her?

LizCurly · 16/03/2014 10:45

Sunbow, yes, my x.
Some might call it over analysis but id rather stay homeandcwatch tv than go on a second date with a funny charismatic attractive but mean man! Mean cancels out alllllll the good traits.

Thetallesttower · 16/03/2014 10:46

The person who asks out should treat the person asked out- I would expect him to arrange and pay for the whole thing. Second date, I would be happy to pay.

Give him a chance though if you really liked him, perhaps he just meant you arrange the restaurant (and who knows who pays). If he takes you to the cinema and stands back from paying a few quid for some popcorn from you, you know this is the pattern of things to come.

Generosity, treating others, making them feel special, I love all that stuff. I hate people who go slow to the bar, divide every penny when the bill comes and so on. It is the antithesis of romance.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 10:46

I'm telling you, bring a Gregg's meal deal in a bag. Or after the film, steer him towards the food court.

LizCurly · 16/03/2014 10:48

Ha ha to the sausage rolls sneaked in.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 10:49

No, wow, because if and when I ask a person out after we decide what we are doing, I make all the arrangements and pay for it, not send them texts about I get this and you get that.

Somersetlady · 16/03/2014 10:49

slainte you have put my point far better than my ramblings above!

It may seem strange judging by some of the views above but I like being financially independent. Splitting the bill on a first dates means you owe the other person nothing and are setting off on an equal footing with neither party having a sense of entitlement or superiority.

Don't you come across as just as tight if you expect him to pay for everything? In fact you come across as MORE tightassed at least if he is expecting you to go dutch he only wants you to pay half whereas you want him to foot the entire bill. Talk about double standards!

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 16/03/2014 10:49

Did you text him? Has he replied yet?

I would have felt the same after the initial text but he sounds nice so you need to see how it pans out.

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 10:49

I don't think so Slainte, love the name by the way!
I think he means popcorn, drinks etc. He hasn't texted back to clarify yet. Shamrock

OP posts:
MrsBungle · 16/03/2014 10:51

What a lot of angst over an ambiguous text! Just go on the date and see if you like him! I feel sorry for this guy.

I paid for everything on mine and dh's first date. He forgot his wallet. Didn't bother me in the slightest. I expected to pay half, I would never let a guy pay for everything on the first date, I would find that embarrassing and unnecessary.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 10:52

Thetallest - so the OP can stand back while Dateman pays for the cinema tickets, but if Dateman stands back while OP pays for sodding popcorn then he is bad news?

What an outrageous double standard.

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 10:54

He forgot his wallet?! Oldest trick in the book!