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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this?

544 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 15/03/2014 23:39

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable! I met this really really lovely guy today and I was hoping he'd ask me out because we hit it off instantly! When I came home he did and I was absolutely delighted, we decided on the cinema and he texted saying "I'll book the tickets, can you look after the grub?"
I can't help but be really put off by him now, I'm disgusted with myself Blush
I haven't been on a date in about six years as I was with my ex and he wasn't working for the majority of our relationship so I'm super scared of ending up with a stinge (this guy is working by the way)

Am I being horrible? It's really put me off him!

OP posts:
Sleepyfergus · 16/03/2014 09:23

OMG. Have we stepped into the dark ages Sunbow. I'm not an ardent Feminist by any stretch of the imagination but I certainly don't expect a man to treat me and wave away my purse to impress me. Sure it's nice if he does but it's not a deal breaker.

And again I say, it impossible to tell from the text that any cost sharing was implied.

This thread has got me needlessly wound up. It's like Mumsnet circa 1800.

JapaneseMargaret · 16/03/2014 09:26

To spell it out, it's not about one gender expecting the other gender to pay - but rather being a personality type that is generous and not mentally toting up every penny before the date has even occurred.

Such behaviour might not bother many people, but it would bother some (me included).

I do not need nor expect to be paid for; what I do find compatible in a person though, is a generous nature.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 09:27

Except Sleepy they wouldn't have been able to go to pictures back then Wink

higgle · 16/03/2014 09:27

Ever likely the op hasn't had a date for 6 years if she is so picky about this simple request. People who over analyse life are seldom happy

Sparklysilversequins · 16/03/2014 09:29

But he didn't assume that she'd pay her way did he? He forced the point to ensure that she did. Most unattractive and I would say that about either gender.

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/03/2014 09:30

"Sorry but it would be a massive turn off for me as well. I would always get my purse out and offer to pay half but on the first few dates I would expect to be waved away. If he can't make the effort to impress you and treat you at the very beginning, what the hell is he going to be like down the line?"

Why not the other way round, surely if the woman doesnt pay or treat then the man should wonder the same too?

Romance appears to be dead on MN, its more about the mans earnings and how easily he parts with money.

Sparklysilversequins · 16/03/2014 09:30

"Picky" or good boundaries?

SometimesLonely · 16/03/2014 09:32

I don't like use of the word 'grub' I don't like 'up for grabs' either. In this case, it could be that the prospective date is trying to sound casual about things..... It's too early to make presumptions about his character.

IloveJudgeJudy · 16/03/2014 09:34

I so often see on MN the idea that men and women are equal, but as soon as it comes to dates, very many MN members seem to want the men to pay (mentioning Sunbow as that was the nearest name I could see, but there are very many others).

When DH and I started dating, we split the costs of the dates, obviously, as we were both working. Why should one pay the costs of all?

I have two DSs. I would hate for them to be taken for a ride. I have seen this in action. Some girls seem to think that boys should pay for them. Why? I can't understand it. Don't we want equality? Or do we only want equality when it goes in our favour? This thread leaves a nast taste.

lavenderhoney · 16/03/2014 09:34

He probably means you to buy the popcorn etc.

He's just ensuring you know he's into equality and if he pays for everything he's not expecting a shag.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 09:37

Lavender - no one knows what he means at this point. Which is why this thread is so infuriating. Will the OP please just ask the guy?

And how on earth do you work out the second paragraph of your post from his two line text???

Susyb30 · 16/03/2014 09:39

Id run a mile..sounds like a tightarse

HappyMummyOfOne · 16/03/2014 09:40

ILove, i agree some women only want equality when it suits.

After this thread and the one where so many MN said they chose their husband for his eaning potential I really hope DS finds happiness with an arty job or similar so his partne will hae chosen him for what he is rather than what they can get out of him moneywise.

daisychain01 · 16/03/2014 09:40

When is / was the date? Need the low- down!

I would be gutted if a lovely guy disappointed me by not being willing to pull out the stops on a first date, but thats only a personal opinion.

It isnt the end of the world, it would just put the dampers on things when I would want him to try to impress, lets face it the rot soon sets in may as well maximise the feel good factor!

stardusty5 · 16/03/2014 09:42

Can't believe how long this thread is!

Can't see anything wrong with the text whatsoever.

OP should have replied asking if he fancied cinema snacks or dinner.

Those of you writing someone off over a - probably jolly, lighthearted- word, are being overly harsh.

You liked him. He likes you. Go on the date. Buy him some bloody revels.

Sleepyfergus · 16/03/2014 09:42

This thread is bonkers.

How can you possibly infer anything from the guys text? Poor, poor guy!

TeaAndALemonTart · 16/03/2014 09:44

Text back and ask him what grub he fancies.

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 09:44

I had a nice early nice and the frustration reading some of your replies! Let me clear a few things up!

The word grub doesn't bother me in the slightest, I'm in Ireland and it's a completely normal slang word.

Even among friends we'd never be splitting bills so meticulously, it's nothing about me wanting to be wined and dined but I just hate the money end of things even being brought into it right now. It does kind of scream tight arse to me but then I'm too far the other way I'd rather say at the till "Ah I'll get it" rather than say "so you owe me €4.75" even with friends.

I'm still going to go though he is really nice. He had rang me initially to ask but I think we were both a little shy so just made chit chat then he texted me saying "I really enjoyed tonight. Thank you for coffee. Would you like to go to the cinema during the week to brush up on your movies, what ya reckon? name" because we had been talking about films earlier and I hadn't seen anything decent apart from children's films in donkeys years!

Oh he just texted saying "good morning. Let's go see non stop on Tuesday? Just getting ready for footie now, how about you?x"

Going to say that sounds great, what do you fancy food wise!

OP posts:
Susyb30 · 16/03/2014 09:44

Also a complete turn off! "You look after the grub" how romantic..yuk.

JustOneCuppa · 16/03/2014 09:47

I used to say 'nosh' and said 'shall we all get some nosh?' in front of my DP and all his friends, not knowing in South London where they are all from it meant a blow job...

Anyway just go on the date for god's sake. Judge him on the actual date rather than just one text. Sounds like a perfect first date too, not over the top to try and impress you and being honest about who pays what. I like him already.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 09:49

Sleepy - it's hilarious. An innocuous two line texts has received a multitude of interpretations. Men are from Mars and women are from somewhere pretty odd Venus. My DP used to ask me to listen what he actually said rather than reading in things that weren't there. I have learned to do this and life is so much easier for it.

Woman up OP and ask him what he means.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 09:52
daisychain01 · 16/03/2014 09:53

And for the record, surely there are some things that can be traditional without it wiping out equality completely. Its a balance. I am very traditional about romance and courtesy (first dates, having the door held for me, a man giving up their seat for me) but I do feel it should be same pay for a job whether man or woman. Equally I would hold a door open for a man, no problem.

Mind you, I held the door open for a bloke behind me the other day and he just walk thru it, didnt even acknowledge me and strode off ahead Angry. There' s always one! I nearly did an AIBU thread I was so pissed off!

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 09:54

Just text ack and say no.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 16/03/2014 09:55

Ju st text back: What would you like to eat?

The answer should give you, erm, an answer. Grin