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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be put off by this?

544 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 15/03/2014 23:39

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable! I met this really really lovely guy today and I was hoping he'd ask me out because we hit it off instantly! When I came home he did and I was absolutely delighted, we decided on the cinema and he texted saying "I'll book the tickets, can you look after the grub?"
I can't help but be really put off by him now, I'm disgusted with myself Blush
I haven't been on a date in about six years as I was with my ex and he wasn't working for the majority of our relationship so I'm super scared of ending up with a stinge (this guy is working by the way)

Am I being horrible? It's really put me off him!

OP posts:
VoyageDeVerity · 16/03/2014 17:06

If I get asked out on a date they pay

If I ask someone out on a date I pay

Get some self respect ladies

squoosh · 16/03/2014 17:06

'Why are dates different to any other outing involving people and money?'

Because on a first date you presumably don't know each other too well and are trying to display yourself to your best advantage, physically as well as personality wise. Someone telling me to buy the snacks wouldn't put me in a romantic frame of mind.

CorusKate · 16/03/2014 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Somersetlady · 16/03/2014 17:08

imperial at least you didn't find out what being treated like a princess really costs!

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 17:09

Can people not just be people and split things between them, given they have agreed to go on a date? Right, I am going to fit a door handle.

VoyageDeVerity · 16/03/2014 17:12

To be fair I have never had to ask a guy on a date, but I'll never say never...

harriet247 · 16/03/2014 17:14

I would be put off.i like ti think i am worth being 'wooed'well at least the first few dates!

daisychain01 · 16/03/2014 17:18

I cant see why people feel sorry for the guy.

All Domestic has done is mention that her tight-arse antenae twitched because he wants to divi out the expenditure before they have set foot inside Cineworld. So, he doesnt have enough money to pay £15 ish for her meal? He'd rather risk sending a text than just say, hey this gorgeous woman wants me to take her out for the evening, I'll treat her!

She hasn't taken open offence at him, just discussing it here, and said she will go along and see how things pan out. Opinion is divided!

There are some traits that are real deal breakers, meanness is the only one that makes my teeth itch. Like the bloke who said to me once, you can give me a cheque if you like, when I politely offered to contribute to our first date meal. Sent me running for the hills. And he thought he was being helpful ha ha!! My DP would give the shirt off his back, that's what makes me tick, maybe other people want the 50-50 split right down the middle, no obligation either way approach, fine if thats what you prefer...

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2014 17:23

It's nothing to do with money, for many people. It's all to do with setting out on a romantic relationship, which is not purely based on friendship.

Frankly, splitting the bill on a first date is usually done by people who don't want to see the other one again. Of course it should be split then, because you're clearly showing you don't see each other in a romantic light.

If you were to ask a guy if he went on a date with someone famous who he really, really fancied, whether he'd pay for her drink or meal, he would instantly say he would, because he'd be showing himself in his best light, as being generous and kind, and also because he knows he'd have no chance of romance if he expected her to buy her own drink or popcorn ffs.

If I went out on a date with George Clooney and he expected me to buy my own drink, I'd know he had no romantic intentions. (And I would cry.) It's not the cost, it's what buying the drink or whatever symbolises.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/03/2014 17:24

He might have booked and paid for the cinema tickets online - they might be good seats and those aren't cheap.

A standard meal at BurgerKing would probably come in at less for the two of you.

It's a first date for both of you, possibly neither of you are sure of the other yet; nothing wrong with him paying for one thing, you for the other. What exactly is annoying you?

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 17:24

Has your DH coughed up the tenner yet Impatient?

He has promised me payment in kind instead and said he will make it more worthwhile than a measly tenner Wink. I am going to see how good his payment in kind is before I start a list of everything else I can claim retrospective payment in kind for.
So far I am thinking of:
Chauffeur fees for any lifts that I have given him
Secretarial fees for any appointments that I have made him
Sufferance fees for having to out up with his parents...
...he's going to have a very hefty bill at this rate.

Bu it beats having to start a thread about how I have divorced my husband for allowing me to buy two rounds of drinks on our first ever date.

daisychain01 · 16/03/2014 17:25

To my mind, just because a bloke feels "entitled to a shag" definitely doesn't mean he will get one Grin.

Expect all you like, matey, I'm worth more than £15 at Frankie and Bennys, thank you so very much.

NurseyWursey · 16/03/2014 17:25

We're falling into the gender roles trap it would seem

Redcliff · 16/03/2014 17:25

God - it's so long since I have been on a date but I am guessing he is a bit broke and not able to pay for everything rather than not wanting to.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/03/2014 17:25

x-posted with Imperial and I now get it.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 17:26

Frankly, splitting the bill on a first date is usually done by people who don't want to see the other one again.

Or splitting the bill could be done by people who think that dating is expensive and as I would like to see you quite often I am happy for us to split the cost to make frequent dates feasible.

brdgrl · 16/03/2014 17:29

I think it's great, can't see the problem at all. Go on the date and don't be put off by such silly things, this could be the man of your dreams.

brdgrl · 16/03/2014 17:32

I am in my forties, married for a few short years so had plenty of dating experience in there...and I can't imagine being put off by the idea of splitting a bill.

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 17:36

Thanks Daisy and everyone else who sees where I'm coming from.
It's honestly more about the pre planning of the finances than who actually pays.

I'm not a cinema eater though so it will be strange buying him his combo and nothing for myself! A combo here is a packet of sweets, popcorn and a drink.

OP posts:
Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 17:42

Ok, so it's about the pre planning; I can see where you are coming from but it does save you from a situation like the one in the press late last year where the guy took the woman's iPhone after she refused to buy a round and scarpered after drinking the rounds that he had bought.
You both know where you stand and he can't get upset that you didn't buy a bag of popcorn and he can't feel that you just wanted to use him for a free date. You will take some cash because you both know that you are splitting the cost of the date.
It's not romantic, but at least it saves you turning up expecting him to pay and then being disappointed when you realise that you are 'going Dutch'.
Too many people get annoyed when messages have been lost in tippy toeing around and not being direct.

CannyBagOfTudor · 16/03/2014 17:42

I think YANBU.

I had a similar situation when I saw a guy for a few dates.

I am absolutely not a freeloader and don't accept anything unless I know I can reciprocate (I still feel guilty as I had 2 lime and sodas at a group meal on Friday night and most people only had one drink but we split the bill evenly!)

Anyway...this guy was like your guy was with me, in that I felt he was anticipating me being tight and stepping in before I had a chance to say I'd pay for things.

For example, we got a cab somewhere once and he turned to me and said something like "you're covering this, aren't you?" before the cab had even stopped! He had paid for cinema tickets and I was entirely planning on paying for the cab, had the money etc etc, I just didn't like the way he treated me as though I was expecting to freeload from him.

Basically, I found it offensive. So I totally agree with you, it's not about the money or the popcorn or whatever, it's the fact that he's assuming you won't pay your way.

TwittyMcTwitterson · 16/03/2014 17:43

Cannot believe how many replies there are to this thread. I've not read many.

Will u let us know how it goes? Grin

Somersetlady · 16/03/2014 17:45

I personally would be more worried about the fact he wants to sit in a darkened room with no chat or interaction than the fact he wanted me to purchase the popcorn combo no one actually knows what this is!

Could you not cirumnavigate the whole situation by saying how about we just go for a drink and chat instead?

squoosh · 16/03/2014 17:46

Yes I don't think a trip to the cinema is ideal for a first date. A pub is always the best option.

wowfudge · 16/03/2014 17:51

Somerset - we've got this far: don't move the date goalposts. The OP will be messing Dateman about as he may have already shelled out for the cinema tickets. It's a classic first date venue - you're not going to embarrassingly run out of things to say and have something to chat about afterwards.

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