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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by this?

544 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 15/03/2014 23:39

Please tell me I'm being unreasonable! I met this really really lovely guy today and I was hoping he'd ask me out because we hit it off instantly! When I came home he did and I was absolutely delighted, we decided on the cinema and he texted saying "I'll book the tickets, can you look after the grub?"
I can't help but be really put off by him now, I'm disgusted with myself Blush
I haven't been on a date in about six years as I was with my ex and he wasn't working for the majority of our relationship so I'm super scared of ending up with a stinge (this guy is working by the way)

Am I being horrible? It's really put me off him!

OP posts:
Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 12:56

Swing please, please, read the fucking thread.

OP posts:
SwingYourPantsNow · 16/03/2014 12:57

I've just gotten three picture messages off him. One of him with his head through some thing at a wax museum, one of him in a pair of sunglasses and one in his work uniform sad Why

Feeling even more sorry for him now. Maybe he's just sending you friendly pictures? Why laugh/pick at his every move on a public forum behind his back if he's someone you say you like?

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 13:00

Yeah, stop texting and SPEAK. So? What's the story?

fascicle · 16/03/2014 13:01

OP, have you considered the possibility that 'look after the grub' may be a modest euphemism for just your snack?

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 13:01

Wowfudge- i will gladly come to the cinema with you if mr impatient doesn't pay me the monies owed by tea time. I'm not bringing Caitlin though as she might be offended by the huge amounts of Ben and jerry that I will need to get over the trauma of throwing away 16 happy years due to a bill of £7.20 and she won't like my rustling minstrels packet. The good news though is that I won't be offended by your smelly hotdog, but I might want a bite if you don't charge me for the percentage of it that I eat, I cant be faffed with working out the cost of my percentage of the hotdog Grin.

LessMissAbs · 16/03/2014 13:05

YANBU. Why do so many guys talk like this? Possibly he feels awkward, but who on earth wants to go on a first date to include "grub"? Or to be told to "sort it out"?

I would be wondering if he expected me to cook him a meal before or afterwards, or book a restaurant, or buy popcorn and crisps. Anyway, who knows?

It would put me off too. Thankfully all the men I've dated have been really well mannered and paid for everything (politely refusing my offers to pay) and also organised everything, which I think is a good sign. In a period of singleness, I encountered the type you describe and I always ended up cancelling as I just couldn't cope with them.

OhMerGerd · 16/03/2014 13:07

"DomesticDisgrace Sun 16-Mar-14 12:52:44
Will people please stop asking why I expect him to pay for everything, JESUS!!! Read my replies, please!"

This is going to be my last comment on here today and if the OP was a friend of mine or relation I'd say it even though some might think it harsh ... so I'm going for it.

OP Grow up! Get a grip!
He sounds perfectly normal and maybe possible boyfriend material....you are on the other hand are beginning to sound quite rude, a little entitled and la right PITA. Carry on like this and you might be unintentionally single for some time to come.

SwingYourPantsNow · 16/03/2014 13:08

I would be wondering if he expected me to cook him a meal before or afterwards, or book a restaurant, or buy popcorn and crisps. Anyway, who knows?

So if that's the case with OP then why not just ASK?! Confused

TiggyCBE · 16/03/2014 13:09

LMA - It would put me off too. Thankfully all the men I've dated have been really well mannered and paid for everything (politely refusing my offers to pay) and also organised everything, which I think is a good sign. Hmm
Anybody else find that Mumsnet goes all black and white when they read that?

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 13:09

Ah swing you could say that for every thread on mumsnet for gods sake! Why not speak to your husband about the text messages you found on his phone instead of writing it on a public forum, Why not speak to a vet if your dog is ill, if the Childminder is pissing you off Why write it on a public forum.

Anyway, glad that he phoned as we gel much better on the phone. We had a nice little chat though we were both a little shy and bumbling but there's definitely a little spark there and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing him. However, the food issue got addressed and he said Oh just a popcorn combo or something. I'm not totally thrilled but just thinking about meeting him yesterday, I was meeting a group that I don't know with one friend I do know who was busy chatting to everyone etc. He came over and put me completely at ease and the conversation flowed naturally all evening. He did open doors and was very much "ladies first", "ladies choice" about things. So I'm not going to let the fact he wants a popcorn combo put me off.

OP posts:
LessMissAbs · 16/03/2014 13:12

TiggyCBE what do you do on dates then?

Aeroflotgirl · 16/03/2014 13:12

Good on you domestic, that would be a shame considering you seem really right for each other.

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 13:15

Sorry if I'm coming across rude but it's really annoying reading hundreds of replies about things that I have already clarified. I have no issue with the word grub, none! I have no issue paying my way as I have said numerous times now.

OP posts:
Sleepyfergus · 16/03/2014 13:20

"I'm not going to let the fact he wants a popcorn combo put me off"

Ha ha ha! That's hilarious. You sound so up yourself it isn't true. What a completely ridiculous thing to say. You like the guy, you get in, he made you feel at ease, you haven't dated for 6 years, yet you a mere snack choice makes you think twice?

Dear god.

Impatientismymiddlename · 16/03/2014 13:23

Maybe the OP should go to the cinema with Caitlin who has posted above because they seem to share the same views on cinema snacks. Dateman needs to find someone else to date, someone who is happy to share a bag of popcorn with him and not worry about who pays for it.

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2014 13:24

Why are people so nasty about the fact the OP hasn't dated for a few years? She was with her ex - everyone would have plenty to say if she was dating while she was with him.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/03/2014 13:26

You could say 'no worries, cheap date for me as I am totally against any snacking in cinemas'.

Gen35 · 16/03/2014 13:27

If he's just expecting you to pay for popcorn op, he's effectively paying more than you are, it's the kind of offer I'd make to save someone the embarrassment of offering to pay them back etc - I think it'll be fine, he's just nervous and doesn't come across that well on txt - who does? Hope it goes well!

Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 13:28

It was tongue in cheek sleepy, sigh.

OP posts:
Original poster
DomesticDisgrace · 16/03/2014 13:29

And for those of you who think I'm entitled you couldn't be more wrong. I was the sole earner in my last relationship with DDs dad and shelled out for practically everything. In the end I felt totally and utterly used and I'd wasted over half of my twenties without even being brought out on a proper date. Bought a place he lived in rent free etc and now he's with somebody else and he whisks her off to hotels and they're always on nights out, so it's fair to say I'm scared shitless of history repeating itself.

OP posts:
Sleepyfergus · 16/03/2014 13:29

Really, really!? Hmmmm, not so sure!

Oldandcobwebby · 16/03/2014 13:30

If I were him, and I came across this being discussed on a public forum, I would ditch OP like the proverbial stone. What the hell has the world come to?

ImperialBlether · 16/03/2014 13:32

But you could say that about most of the threads on here, Oldandcobwebby. It's not like she's put it on Facebook with a photo of herself next to it and him on her friends' list, is it?

expatinscotland · 16/03/2014 13:33

Thing is, he is the one worrying about who buys the fucking popcorn. I mean, who even THINKS about this after asking someone on a date to the cinema? Much less spells it out? Sounds like a student.

LessMissAbs · 16/03/2014 13:35

But why does he have to specify in advance who pays for what? Its a cinema date, its hardly going to break the bank.

I have always paid my own way in life (I have a well paid job) but I have never dated men that expect a woman to pay or even pay halves. Even now I'm married, when I go to the cinema or on holiday with male friends, I have this constant battle which I always lose to pay my own way. I cannot be the only one. There are loads of men who simply pay for women and just quietly do so before you can pay yourself, and who then refuse all offers of payment. This is the type of man I'm used to - because from my experience, it seems to be the norm.

Hence a man who specifies in advance of the cinema who is paying for what and mentions "grub", instead of just quietly booking the tickets in advance and meeting me there or picking me up in his car, comes across as unusual to me.

So sorry TiggyCBE if you have had different experiences in life, and this certainly doesn't mean I'm some kind of golddigger, I'm quite the opposite, and perhaps partially because of that, my experience is that decent socially skilled, thoughtful men arrange things, especially if they ask you out on the first date.

I wouldn't expect a female friend to specify in advance who was paying for what either - you just arrange it when you get there.