To be very upset about how these women treat me?

[veryboringnamechange]

I've namechanged, and I apologise in advance if this sounds very childish, but it is something that upsets me a lot.

I met a group of women at NCT classes when I had my youngest child, who is now nearly 5. We have all kept in touch and meet up regularly. I just can't help but feel that none of them really like me though, and it's due, in part to the dreaded FB.

Firstly, when we meet up none of them seem very interested in me. I can't remember the last time that one of them asked me anything about myself. They all seem to have bonded very well and all really like each other, but I feel that they invite me to things but don't want me there.

Also on Facebook, they comment all the time on each others' statuses and photos, and very very rarely comment on anything of mine, even though I like and comment on their stuff all the time. Only one of them wished my DS a happy birthday last year, even though they gushed over each others' children on their birthdays.

I also feel that sometimes they are all a bit cold with me. For example if I reply to one of their facebook statuses they are abrupt with me when they reply to me, and are much warmer to each other. Or if I'm chatting with them on a night out they all seem distracted and like they don't want to speak to me. We all went for a meal about a month ago and then for a drink. We walked from the restaurant to the pub, and every time I walked next to one of them they would move away from me and go and join another person so I was just left alone (and I definitely don't smell btw).

I know it all sounds pathetic. And I do have lots of other friends, so I can't be an unlikeable horrible person. I know I really need to just stop bothering with them all don't I?

I was terribly bullied at school and this was some of the behaviour (along with the physical). I do not think YABU to think this but why put up with it. You say you have other friends so I would bow out gracefully and just enjoy being with your real friends. I have a very heightened sense of when I am not wanted, (as a nanny I have many a time tried to strike up a conversation as the new person at the school gate, sometimes I made a friend, sometimes they did just what these people are doing to you!). It is their loss as I have been told I am an amazing friend, loyal, a laugh and always ready to drop things if any of my friends need me. Chin up...it's not you and I bet they were the bullies (without knowing it) at school. Would also say that if you do cut ties and none of them ring to ask why they haven't seen you for a while.....you were right. Sending huge hugs.

Been in a similar situation. Turned down the invites & disengaged from the group. Too much effort & definitely not worth the upset. Now am on good terms with all of them & see them in common venues & in larger groups. No bridges burnt. But not a 'group member' of theirs by my own wish.

You sound like a much nicer version of a woman from baby group last year.

The rest of us keep in touch but nothing in common with her.

Her behaviour, views and opinions were just vile.

it isn't always the group being mean. Sometimes the actions are justified.

"Comeatme I totally disagree with your advice that there's something necessarily wrong with the OP or her interactional style."

I agree. If the OP was feeling bad about herself this would have made her feel worse.

Sounds like you're just not a "good fit" with the rest of them - and if they're behaving in this sort of way, then that has to be a good thing!

Although it is hurtful, I agree with the other posters saying "dump them and move on". You have other friends, let this lot go. And unless your child is particular friends with any of them, then I would probably not bother contacting any of them ever again. Delete them from your FB - block them if you want to - and move on.

We had a "bitchy group" at my first workplace - they were all fresh out of university and reduced much of the workplace to playground standards of behaviour (it was a generally younger age group workforce) which was quite awkward. I found one or two of them to be nice on a 1-to-1 basis, but as a group they were pretty intimidating. It was a relief when some of them left!

It's nothing at all to do with the OP. She sounds like a nice person. Often, jealousy is a reason for this type of behaviour, so I wouldn't be surprised if these women are jealous of the OP.

It's group behaviour. It's quite common, but moreso at a younger age.

I have experienced it myself, when I went on holiday with a group of friends and found that they ganged up and excluded me. It was very subtle, and I was surprised (as well as hurt) as they are actually nice people. When we got back home, after a few weeks I plucked up the courage to confront them about it and got it all out in the open. Luckily things have been fine since (we're no longer as close anyway as geographically apart).

However, I think in the OP's case she should just cut all ties and move on. Not worth her time or energy.

mamamary what did they say when you confronted them?

All sorts of hidden resentments and jealousies came out, Petal. Things like, they thought I was showing off when I spoke German when out and about (we were in Switzerland). My German was proficient so I felt it was only polite, and I thought they were rude for not bothering to try. A lot of it was very petty stuff. It was quite a stressful holiday when a lot of things went wrong (not least of all it was the height of summer but weather was freezing). But we made our apologies and thankfully we were mature enough to deal with it sensibly.

I think OP's situation is a bit different. It's been five years and they are consistently rude to her. She has other nicer friends. Life's too short to be made feel like this.

Mamamary you are spot on with your advice.

Of course women from all areas can be bitchy. By groups and divisions I meant divisions WITHIN the group - in eactly he same way Mamamary has pointed out. Why invite someone along just to subtly ignore them and make them feel uncomfortable?

OP I believe it boils down to insecurity in the group. Do not take it personally. As I said before if you leave the group they will need someone else to take your place of underdog

Chin up, move on, there are wonderful women out there who will make fab friends xx

It's not necessarily out and out bitchyness - I've been there too. DP was in a band with a couple of chaps and we were invited along to a lot of things that they had going on with all their friend's WAGs. The women were all pleasant enough but not really at all interested in me - they were all mates and did a lot of stuff together - so they all chatted and I felt a bit of a lemon. It wasn't actually nasty but I was glad when the band fizzled out and we could go back to being aquaintances - which suited me much better!

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense - if they don't make you feel good then gather up your dignity and softly and silently vanish away. Hide them on FB and be busy when they meet.

Sorted!

I have been in this situation many times.

I was feeling very down and inadequate about myself every single time!!

OP, are you sure you are being entirely objective? When I'm not feeling my bubbly best, I feel like the world is against me and it's easy to imagine perceived slights.

And if I'm feeling down, I won't be as interesting to others, therefore they won't respond to me in the way I would like. That's normal human behaviour - most of us tend to only be bright and responsive around people who can give us some bubbliness back. It's how rapport grows.

I may of course be wrong and they might be a group of heartless bitches who are not worth bothering with, but in my experience, it's normally all in my head and they're actually nice people - they just want some two-way effort.

NCT groups are a very odd thing, all thrown together purely as having babies at the same time and with your first it can really bond you.
Its a great thing esp to get you through the first daunting years.

However it should not be a surprise when it fades away and does not work out.

I have found it to be very odd indeed.

We have also suffered strange group dynamics, the eternal flaker who rarely turns up then turns up really late, the one that says "Can we meet at X because I am doing Y and I need to feed the baby" And we all have to fall in with her schedule. And none of us had babies that needed feeding .

I actually found it got to the stage where it was causing more trouble than happiness and I had to disengage.

I have been much happier.

So disengage. Dont put yourself through it.

punkrocker

Most of our group bottle fed and used a dummy.

I dont think people like other people or get on with them more or less whether they bottle feed or use dummies on their babies.

Oh my bunch of NCT 'women' were nothing other than silly little girls who played vicious little games. I got rid of them. I hadn't come across grown women that petty in my entire adult life.

Drop them. They are unfriendly. I would be bright and breezy and would decline invitations saying you have other plans etc. people like this hate being turned down. Honestly why are you wasting your time on this? I tried to attend baby groups and make friends, it didn't work for me either and I have never had trouble making friends at work etc. I have come to the conclusion that they are simply not worth it. Probably thy have v little in common other than their kids.

Born free. I didn't care whether they liked me or not. What I disliked was their smug and worthy attitude towards new members of the group whose parenting ideas did not conform to theirs. This particular group were petty, unwelcoming and took every opportunity to try and make me feel inadequate because I chose not to bf.

i find people very difficult, so i'd be unlikely to settle into a group in a cosy way like some of your nct contacts.

in your position, i'd keep up contact for the sake of occasional meetings/outings/events, and withdraw a little emotionally. take these women for what they are, instead of worrying why they aren't what you'd like them to be.

Try letting them lead, only respond if they initiate conversation/ invite. If you find you're getting left behind you know for sure the answer.

I've never found an NCT group I stayed with - I didn't even get invited to the reunion! I don't know what it is with those groups that bring out the nastiness. Even my OH who usually gets on with everyone felt it at the sessions.

Sorry, this is a direct reply to the OP. I've not read all the replies.

What do you habe in common?; Your children's birthdays. When the children are small, it's easy to talk about milestones and day to day stuff. Then things move on

Basically, don't stress, move on.

Just because you share a table with someone at lunch doesn't mean you need to stay in touch.

And fuck them if they're being shits. Which they sound a bit like they are.

Thetalllesttower

I don't think comeat me was saying there necessarily is something wrong with the OPs interactional style. But there might be.

It's worth thinking about, that's all.

but like you, I think groups don't work very well, especially if what drew them together was simply having babies at the same time.

Just to update: since I posted this thread I haven't made contact with any of them. I haven't commented on any of their facebook statuses or photos either. And I haven't heard a thing from any of them.

To be honest though, I've sort of accepted it in my mind now that they're not my friends any longer, and therefore I've stopped, I think, expecting anything from them.

Looking at it objectively I truly do not think that I did anything wrong or that there was anything wrong with my interactional style. I have loads of other friends.

I guess it's just a wanting what I can't have kind of situation. But really I don't think I do want to be part of a group where they have seemingly discussed me and have intentionally left me out. I definitely think that that is the case as surely one of them would sometimes comment on my fb if not, and they wouldn't all be off with me.

They've obviously just got their own little clique and you're not in it. They're probably not worth knowing if they're so antisocial and lacking in manners that they can't make you feel welcome and remember to drop you a line occasionally.

You wait till your pfb starts school. You'll be thrown together with a load of people who you have absolutely nothing in common with except you gave birth around a similar time and your dc's ended up in the same school. You will feel compelled to talk to these people and build up some kind of rapport with them, as you cannot avoid seeing them every single bloody day. You will quickly see which ones drift off and form their own little groups based upon who they hit it off with. You will see them every day in their little huddles, discussing their social plans. Do not feel slighted in any way. You will have your own friends who you hit it off with and you will make your own plans. Just remember that you have nothing in common with the rest of them and there is no earthly reason why you should expect them to have the grace or common civility to bother to talk to you. Most importantly, do not give a shit about their opinion. If one of them thinks your well-behaved, high-achieving child is a bad influence on her pfb simply because she is jealous of your childs prowess, rise above it.

the world is full of nasty bitches. be happy without them.