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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be very upset about how these women treat me?

132 replies

veryboringnamechange · 14/03/2014 23:00

I've namechanged, and I apologise in advance if this sounds very childish, but it is something that upsets me a lot.

I met a group of women at NCT classes when I had my youngest child, who is now nearly 5. We have all kept in touch and meet up regularly. I just can't help but feel that none of them really like me though, and it's due, in part to the dreaded FB.

Firstly, when we meet up none of them seem very interested in me. I can't remember the last time that one of them asked me anything about myself. They all seem to have bonded very well and all really like each other, but I feel that they invite me to things but don't want me there.

Also on Facebook, they comment all the time on each others' statuses and photos, and very very rarely comment on anything of mine, even though I like and comment on their stuff all the time. Only one of them wished my DS a happy birthday last year, even though they gushed over each others' children on their birthdays.

I also feel that sometimes they are all a bit cold with me. For example if I reply to one of their facebook statuses they are abrupt with me when they reply to me, and are much warmer to each other. Or if I'm chatting with them on a night out they all seem distracted and like they don't want to speak to me. We all went for a meal about a month ago and then for a drink. We walked from the restaurant to the pub, and every time I walked next to one of them they would move away from me and go and join another person so I was just left alone (and I definitely don't smell btw).

I know it all sounds pathetic. And I do have lots of other friends, so I can't be an unlikeable horrible person. I know I really need to just stop bothering with them all don't I?

OP posts:
munchkinmaster · 15/03/2014 07:16

I think sometimes you get in a vicious cycle. They put you on edged, the slightest thing feels like a dig, you stop enjoying the night out, you are less good company ( not the usual you people warm to), they distance themselves etc.

I'm not in anyway saying this is your fault (the above is my own experience) but that just it might not be you, it might not be them but the friendship has just run it's course.

Maybe be busy a couple of times and then see if they keep asking. If they do there may be some paranoia. In that case go in with a different frame of mind? I think if this has been going on for years it's prob too late.

Put it behind you. 5 years is a good innings for NCT pals. Maybe they don't have other pals like you do?

fishfingereaters · 15/03/2014 07:20

In my experience with NCT there is an obligation to include all members of the group and not exclude anyone. You are a group because you fertilised eggs at the same time and for no other reason, so there's no need to be upset they don't want to be close friends.

ProfYaffle · 15/03/2014 07:20

I'm a SAHM and find Kandy's comment offensive. I've been in the op's position but the bitchy NCT women were all working. It's almost like you can't make sweeping generalisations about a person's character based on their occupation .....

londonrach · 15/03/2014 07:29

Dont engage on fb or in real life. See friends who you enjoy seeing

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 07:30

I'm 47 and have three daughters so have met about 7 billion mums in 7 billion situations.

I have never in RL come across these mythical 'bitchy groups of women'!

Like most people I sometimes feel paranoid, lacking in confidence with certain groups of people and in some situations. That's normal - but overall - look to yourself.

If a group of women don't want to remain friends with you - why?

Maybe there is something in your manner, something you have said that has made them go 'cold' on you.

Maybe you think you make an effort but you don't?

Maybe your moving close to them/walking alongside them is difficult if you then don't strike up a conversation?

Do you always ask about them or talk about yourself?

I'm not being harsh - I am saying it's so important we are honest with ourselves or we get stuck in these situations.

Also we are all adults and we have to accept that some people won't like us or want to spend time with us. Very simply they obviously like each other more than they like you. So what? Find other friends, stick to your old friends, whatever. Be with people you like who like you back equally.

Hardtothinkofanewname · 15/03/2014 07:39

Kandy - guess you must be a SAHM, since you have the time to be bitchy.

Life's too short OP. Don't overthink it, just find some other friends

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 15/03/2014 07:43

I've one son and I've come across competitive parents AND bitchy groups. I stay well out of it.

I agree with dump/disengage, delete. You aren't getting out what you put in. Move on and spent time with your real friends.

I gave these sort of things up ages ago and didn't look back. Does you dc have a particular friend in the group?

EustaciaVye · 15/03/2014 07:49

I tend to think of friends as being there for a set time. It may be for a few months, years, decades.

It sounds like you are no longer benefiting from this circle of friends so the natural step would be to reduce contact. If they miss you, they will contact you. If not, they won't. But you will have taken control about how the relationship moves forward, and hopefully feel a bit happier about that.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 07:50

Competitive parents - yes tons.

Bitchy 'groups' - no, never. Whole groups of inherently horrible or bitchy people? Come on!

If 'bitchy' means 'they don't want to be friends with me' or 'they are largely disinterested in me' or 'they prefer each other's company to mine' or 'they have in jokes and spend loads of time together' then yes I've met millions of them.

deakymom · 15/03/2014 07:53

unfriend on fb and drop them they are using you as someone to look down on xx

Greenmug · 15/03/2014 08:02

Comeatme we're the same age and I had never come across this 'bitchy women' group either and always wondered what the hell it was all about. Until about 18 months ago when I came across three women (all friends together) who I have never seen the like of. I stay well clear of them but they have hurt a lot of mutual friends so sadly, they do seem to exiatt. :(

Greenmug · 15/03/2014 08:02

Or even exist! :)

TwittyMcTwitterson · 15/03/2014 08:02

You'd think this sort of thing would stop after school!

Could you be a little paranoid? I sometimes have moments where I think people only talk to me because they have to, then I realise we are adults and if you don't like someone, you don't talk to them. I am painfully shy and this often leads to being 'pushed out' of groups because I assume people don't want to know me.

It seems strange that they still invite you, if you are only tolerated. Either way, you can find better friends elsewhere. Cut your losses and move on. Grin

cheeseandpineapple · 15/03/2014 08:06

Not unreasonable to be upset but unreasonable to persist with them, ditch them!

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 08:09

Greenmug - fair play. I've just never experienced it. Obviously there are individuals I don't like that are gossipy or self absorbed. But not a whole 'quiche' of 'em!

I still think often it's sour grapes (or insecurity) from the wronged party who simply wants to be part of a friendship group who, for whatever reason, don't really want them to be a part of.

I wouldn't want to spend my precious leisure time with someone I didn't really like, would anyone? Confused

Kandypane · 15/03/2014 08:09

:)

I knew people were going to get all offended as soon as I wrote it.

I didn't say all SAHMs behaved this way, or that working mums are all saints.

However in my experience it has been only SAHMs that have behaved this way. The ones I know formed cliquey groups who all see each other more or less everyday, and I've seen them ostracise people in the same way OP is being. I think spending so much time together allows these groups and divisions to form in ways working mums friendships wouldn't allow. So it's rather the nature of the situations I'm commenting on, rather than the nature of working mums/SAHM personalities.

Again, just to be clear, Im sure other SAHMs are lovely!

bakingaddict · 15/03/2014 08:18

I think they have probably just decided that you are not like them enough to be part of the group. You mentioned previously that you feel that they look down on you. Do you live in a different part of town, have a different style of parenting from them? There will be something that is setting you apart from them.

I think nobody has the balls to just stop inviting you so they persist in this charade of friendship because they don't have the courage of their convictions to do anything else. It's sad to be on the receiving end of this type of pack mentality but you can stop persisting with them and end this charade

HermioneWeasley · 15/03/2014 08:19

I can't imagine you're getting anything positive out of having them in your life, or that you have any shortage of friends or things to do.

Just stop seeing them and unfriendly or hide them on FB

digerd · 15/03/2014 08:21

This kind of behaviour happens at all ages, infact, I have experienced it only as I have become widowed and retired Confused.
Still prefer a 1:1 than group socialising.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 15/03/2014 08:24

Bitchy group of women in two workplaces and a group of men and women in another. I've worked for 30 years in loads of different places. Bitchy packs exist as do competitive parents. People can be arseholes and never get past how they behaved at school.

It sounds to me like the group think they have a veneer of manners by not explicitly excluding the OP. They don't want her there and are frosty so they don't have to cut her off. They are acting this way because they think she is OK but they don't really like her and she isn't part of their group. It's OK not to like everyone the same. OP shouldn't waste her time; it is better spent elsewhere.

LosingItSlowly · 15/03/2014 08:28

It seems like they do want you in the group (hence the inviting), but in a certain role they've decided for you.

Unfortunately, I've noticed many groups in my lifetime who seem to bond by sidelining one of their own, making them into a scapegoat of sorts, who can do no right.

If you were to leave, they'd probably start displaying the same behaviour to one of the other women left behind, or recruit someone new for it.

I don't think there's any way to escape this sort of situation without walking away.

Kikithecat · 15/03/2014 08:30

Absolutely get shot of them! I'd say that even if you didn't have other 'friends' because these people are bad for your self-esteem.

Shakey1500 · 15/03/2014 08:35

They don't have to like you. But more importantly you don't have to put up with their behaviour. Smile

Hardtothinkofanewname · 15/03/2014 08:40

I still think you're being unfair Kandy. It's women who can be bitchy, working or staying at home.

I'm pretty sure women can get together in an office and exclude another colleague. When I worked in hospitals the nurses were pretty bitchy to one another, I was so glad I worked mostly with men.

It's completely unnecessary and unfair to label this group as SAHM.

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 08:54

Kandy

I work FT so have no personal beef about your SAHM comments but think the language you use is weird...

'I think spending so much time together allows these groups and divisions to form in ways working mums friendships wouldn't allow'

^Why the hell can't SAHMs form groups and 'divisions'? I bloody well would if I was a SAHM. I'd want some lovely friendship groups full of people I liked and knew I could spend an awful lot of time with. I'd also make sure the kids all got on if we were hanging out with each other day in, day out.

It's not a crime to be, what some people call a 'clique' and I call a group of friends.

And it's not a crime to not like other people and not want to hang out with them.