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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be very upset about how these women treat me?

132 replies

veryboringnamechange · 14/03/2014 23:00

I've namechanged, and I apologise in advance if this sounds very childish, but it is something that upsets me a lot.

I met a group of women at NCT classes when I had my youngest child, who is now nearly 5. We have all kept in touch and meet up regularly. I just can't help but feel that none of them really like me though, and it's due, in part to the dreaded FB.

Firstly, when we meet up none of them seem very interested in me. I can't remember the last time that one of them asked me anything about myself. They all seem to have bonded very well and all really like each other, but I feel that they invite me to things but don't want me there.

Also on Facebook, they comment all the time on each others' statuses and photos, and very very rarely comment on anything of mine, even though I like and comment on their stuff all the time. Only one of them wished my DS a happy birthday last year, even though they gushed over each others' children on their birthdays.

I also feel that sometimes they are all a bit cold with me. For example if I reply to one of their facebook statuses they are abrupt with me when they reply to me, and are much warmer to each other. Or if I'm chatting with them on a night out they all seem distracted and like they don't want to speak to me. We all went for a meal about a month ago and then for a drink. We walked from the restaurant to the pub, and every time I walked next to one of them they would move away from me and go and join another person so I was just left alone (and I definitely don't smell btw).

I know it all sounds pathetic. And I do have lots of other friends, so I can't be an unlikeable horrible person. I know I really need to just stop bothering with them all don't I?

OP posts:
mustbetimefortea · 15/03/2014 08:59

We have a group like this in our village. They are all over any newcomers but people who don't quite fit for whatever reason are sidelined but are occasionally welcome to make up the numbers for purchasing parties and the like. Turn down their invitations not only do you not have to suffer their behaviour but it leaves them puzzled as to why they aren't as popular as they like to think they are.

Yes it did happen to me and it still bugs me when I see other people going through the same thing. Disengage and you will soon discover real friends

PunkrockerGirl · 15/03/2014 09:00

YANBU. NCT - couldn't get out of there fast enough. I bottle fed my own and also gave him a dummy. The NCT group were so judgemental you'd think I'd been feeding him crack cocaine! I never darkened their doors again and had a much happier experience with ds2.

PunkrockerGirl · 15/03/2014 09:01

Should read pfb not own.

Bunbaker · 15/03/2014 09:07

Just unfriend them on Facebook. They probably won't notice anyway.

Vevvie · 15/03/2014 09:12

Hurtful. Dump them if it upsets you so much. And unfriendly on FB.

Vevvie · 15/03/2014 09:13

*(unfriend).

Suzyjane1 · 15/03/2014 09:16

Lol Punkrocker :D

With 3 dc I have never joined NCT. Each to their own. Personally I couldn't be doing with it!

Totally agree. Dismiss them. They are not worthy of your time and attention x

LongPieceofString · 15/03/2014 09:18

Do the others all have PFBs? I know in my nct group most of us were first time mums and were all a bit in awe/not. Understanding of the 2nd time mum.

LongPieceofString · 15/03/2014 09:19

Was sort of like being friends with someone in the year above at school - somehow the ground rules shift as they have already done XYZ and you're doing it for the first time.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 15/03/2014 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewtRipley · 15/03/2014 09:22

I agree with your posts comeatmefam

AlpacaLypse · 15/03/2014 09:23

The only useful purpose the NCT ever served me was the Nearly New sales. I'd turn up as a helper twice a year to get first dibs on all the lovely bargains. Otherwise I was politely distant with them - they really were the worst bunch of judgeypants I've ever come across.

formerbabe · 15/03/2014 09:28

F++k them! They sound like right cows.

When it comes to making friends with other mums, I am careful to only make friends with women I would be friends with anyway, rather than friends just because we have children the same age.

patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2014 09:32

They do sound like a bunch of cows. I bet the passive aggressive behaviour on fb is orchestrated.

They make you feel how they make you feel, paranoia or not, and life is too short for that shit so snip them out of your life asap.

formerbabe · 15/03/2014 09:34

Oh and I had a friend who invited me out with her and her nct friends...

Let's just say...never again!

Comeatmefam · 15/03/2014 09:37

We're in the minority NewtRipley Wink

TeamWill · 15/03/2014 09:48

True friendships are not formed just because you had a baby at the same time - there has to be more.
I think its ok to socialise with people who are at the same stage of life as you and the groups were a good way of getting out and about on mat leave.
I had a great friend through NCT and still friends 20 years later but mostly I cant really remember who they were.I don't remember any unpleasant behaviour though.

Its time to move on OP - invest your time in other friends. Change your thinking . They are unpleasant and not good enough for you ! Flowers

MamaMary · 15/03/2014 10:14

Groups like this choose one member who is the 'picked-upon' or 'partially excluded' one. The purpose is to reinforce the social integration of the rest of the group and make them all feel better about themselves because they belong and are accepted. Yes, it's childish, and a form of bullying.

OP, delete these friends from Facebook (and while you're at it, your FB account) and move on with your life. Why you even bother with such a bunch is beyond me.

patienceisvirtuous · 15/03/2014 10:38

Don't delete FB. Why should you if you use it for contact with real friends and family? I would just hide these women then ignorance is bliss :)

Thetallesttower · 15/03/2014 10:45

Comeatme I totally disagree with your advice that there's something necessarily wrong with the OP or her interactional style. I had a similar experience with my NCT group who became pretty cliquey and bitchy and like the OP, I have lots of friends and never experienced anything like this before or since come to that- I make nice friends easily.

Luckily my husband said after about a year- why go out with them, they aren't very nice and it kind of gave me permission to drop out of the group. I kept in contact with one nice person for a couple of years but was very glad to stop going for nights out where you thought it would be fun, but there's a slight undercurrent, or you get back from going to the loo and feel people have been talking about you.

Now you have noticed this and voiced this OP, you can just get off FB and don't go to any more meet-ups. Sometimes being in a girl group of friends can be brilliant fun but other times, for some reason not to do with you, it just ends up with someone excluded. Just remove yourself and get back to your nicer friends, ditch the group!

DancingLola · 15/03/2014 10:46

Just drop them. Seriously, life is too short to bother with people who aren't interested in making an effort to be friendly. If you don't want to confront them over their behaviour, then hide their posts on FB and be "busy" if you do get invited out. Just because you had babies at the same time doesn't mean you have to be friends.

dingalong · 15/03/2014 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2014 10:55

Life is too short, time to jump ship and move onto more meaningful and true friendships.,

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2014 10:56

Move on and delete from FB.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/03/2014 10:57

Deleted these women from your FB no reason for them to clog it up

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