to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

I wonder whether people would still be praising the dd for her behaviour if the man she was berating was her biological father rather than the op's dp to whom she is not related and not, apparently, expected to treat with respect.
It sounds as if, even though the dp is expected to fulfil some parenting responsibilities e.g. collect from school/take to the dentist etc he is not expected to play a disciplinary role in this child's life, as he asked the op if she was going to let her speak to him like that. No wonder she doesn't respect him if she's allowed to doo whatever she wants and he's not allowed to pull her up on it.

If he were her biological father I have no doubt he would have come down on her like a ton of bricks. there are certainly times when a child may notice something is amiss, in which case they may voice an opinion on it. But the way your dd did it just makes her look like an unpleasant obnoxious brat, and your dp look totally undermined and powerless to deal with it.

If your dd2 starts speaking to him like that it is worth remembering that he is her father, and will then be well within his rights to punish her appropriately.

It seems you have made it very clear to your dd1 that she doesn't need to respect him because he isn't her father.

I don't think that it's possible to comment on someone's parenting based on how much time they spend on their phone. I'm sure we all spend too much time online sometimes.

Is this sort of outburst typical from your daughter towards an adult op?

If not then I hardly think it is time to chain her up ready for her teens! Sounds like a very emotional response to something obviously upsetting her. My dd is 8 and I can see similarities in the description of her language, during heated moments. It's not typical of her everyday behaviour, so I recognise that there is something deeper going on when it happens.

Incidentally, she is reminded that respect is a two way street, and that I expect hers, if she wants mine. This includes appropriate language and address.

As I said, this would not be typical of her behaviour. She is a very polite, respectful and well mannered girl 99% of the time. But children haven't yet learned how to handle their emotions. Let's not always punish them for it fgs!

I don't fear for the teen years. I know that my daughter is more likely to have respect for me, and other adults, if she doesn't feel as though her opinion and right to express herself is always secondary to any available adult.

I would question why it happened. Treat the two issues separately. Deal with your Dp - that sounds overdue. And speak to your daughter and show her that you understand that she has eyes and ears and brain, despite only being 7.

Then take the appropriate/overdue action to remove this burden from her shoulders. She has obviously lost respect for him, and why shouldn't she, just because he's an adult?
If he's acting like a prick, he's acting like a prick. It's a shame that she feels the need to be the one to speak up though.

As for united front. Why always? Surely one adult versus one child is enough? If you were verbally undermining him then fair enough, but if you just didn't get involved, then as her dad of 6 yrs, why can't he handle it himself? No excuses perhaps?

As for what she might grow up to be.... Well just imagine if she started being damn right rude to strangers on the internet asking for advice?.......

WOW...I am amazed that there's no "LTB" posts

not sure who is the adult in your house op but I can dam sure tell you it shouldn't be a 7 year old. and it doesn't sound like you and your op understand the first rule of successful parenting, united front.

I think what's happening here is your partner doesn't seem to be pulling his weight domestically, not sure if he works or not or contributes in ither ways but still you are unhappy with this.

you either chunter about it to your dd or she heard you asking him to do things and sees you are frustrated so she's trying to fix things by telling him off, really doing what you should do but privately

initially I read your dd as the brat but actually I think she's your littie puppet used by you to shame your partner into better ways.

no 7 year old should be worried about her sisters diet or who does the washing up ffs! not normal at all.

You need to get a better handle in your relationship with your partner and leave your dd to be a child.

you are doing her or yourselves no favours allowing her to be like this, you will regret this unless you change things as she gets older as she will see herself as in charge of the family and then God help you in her teen years.

Why is he disengaging so much? Has he always been like this? Does he pay more attention to the baby?

I don't think she should have said those things but why is she having such an adult argument? Gas she heard you say similar things?

It sounds as though there is a bigger problem then your dd being a string child.

love a string child would be a major problem. doncha love I phones!

I was a fairly bright little girl and your dd reminds me of me! My mum was in an unhappy marriage. He was nice enough and no one said anything to me but it was obvious. Kids pick up on a lot. DM left thankfully but it was a horrid atmosphere and I did tell my mum that it was veryuncomfortable when I was nearer 8. Luckily she listened and addressed the problems but I would have eventually blown like your dd if my mum had stayed with a bloke who couldn't be bothered with me and left her to pick up after him and us. It shouldn't have come to that. You've been burying your head in the sand but you owe it to your family to sort out the atmosphere and address any resentment etc.

If he still keeps behaving like a useless kid Id bloody leave. It's an awful example to set your kids tbh.

Also, are you saying dp is lying about what's happening when he looks after them and actually just ignoring and lazy parenting them? If so, you're concerned about the wrong thing. Why on earth is he doing fuck all in the house and ignoring the kids? That is not ok

I agree with garlic and others.

I'd like to add children are also worthy of respect, and especially being heard when they have concerns. She wasn't rude. She didn't lie, she didn't name call. She said what she observed.

The 'children must respect all adults' attitude, even when the adults do wrong, infuriates me. Children must know they can speak out. What if it wasn't housework or phone playing? What if it was abuse? Do we stick by the attitude of adults always being worthy of respect and the child's concerns not allowed to voiced? There's no line for a child. They either know they can speak out and their concerns be heard, or they don't.

So you tell your 7yo DD her breakfast is made for her and she chooses if and when she eats it?

Then she is rude to her dad (let's face it he's raised her) because he hasn't jumped around to your tune or done what she thinks he should! have.

Pot - kettle - black

Sounds to me if this has become very recent it's more to do with jealousy of having a sister who can compete for attention from the adults in her life now she's 1yo. Your DP did lots afternoon/evening to contribute to the household (dd2,school run, dentist) and when you asked him to out Hoover away it wasn't a refusal from what you've said - more he asked you where.

I agree 100% with you 100% Letter

We quite often hear people say "Children are so disrespectful these days"

Ïn my day, we wouldn't have been game enough to answer our parents back or voice an opinion"

That's true but it was mostly due to fear, not out of respect.

This little girl needs to b e heard and both parents should be ashamed of themselves for allowing a 7 year old to do the parenting. It should be a wakeup call for them.

It's not like a one off.

The girl has brought it up before and nothing has changed! No wonder she had a blowout. She has no real power to change it and has to live in that atmosphere.

I agree with LettertoHG.
OP says that she has said it all to her DP but DD hasn't heard- I bet she has! When if she hasn't she has picked up on body language or odd remarks- children are not stupid and can get just as much from what you don't say as what you do say.
The relationships within the family need to change. OP is treating her DD as an adult and her DP as a child and they are filling those roles. While DP isn't an equal parent the children will 'divide and rule'.
OP and DP need to sort things out between themselves and the rest will follow.
At present it is a dysfunctional family and DD told the truth as she observes it, I can't see that it was rude- the truth is uncomfortable.

Your seven year old has broached the subject of your DP's housework before? Really?

The differences of opinion on here are very interesting. I would prefer that children were truthful and you knew what they were thinking than not allowing them a voice and papering over the cracks as if it is one big, happy family when it is not.
Had she shouted, name called etc it would have been rude, she merely recounted events.

I would feel like I had had a real parenting fail if my DD was so acutely aware of my issues with DP. I really would feel sick to my stomach. She has picked it up from you OP, no escaping that truth.
As for breakfast, I am with your DP.

Exactly Tamer, she didn't shout or exaggerate or call him names. I honestly think that her comments wouldn't have struck such a nerve with him if they weren't true.

For those saying he did lots with the girls yesterday - the phone use tells me he probably drove dd2 round until she slept. I can barely send a text when she's awake without her 'helping', let alone use hours worth of battery. He fed dd2 crap when she woke when I've been working hard all week to combat her fussiness. She then had tummy ache and didn't eat her tea. But he did drive dd1 all of five mins for a five mins dentist appointment so I guess I should be grateful and that excuses him playing on his phone all day and night

She was at her fathers when I spoke to dp about this before so she definitely didn't hear. She just follows me around asking me to do thingss with her and when I can't right away because I have things to do and he is sat on his backside, she is capable of working out that he could be doing the jobs and I could be spending time with her.

Of course she has picked up- that is the problem and that is what needs addressing. Parents often have huge relationship problems and think they can hide it from the children! They are astute observers- DD lives with it- she will be very aware.

I think Enjoyingmymorningcoffee has expressed it perfectly.

Your problem is the immaturity of your DP. Are you going to deal with it?

The problem of your DD is minor, and a few wise words on tact and the best way to make complaints is enough.

I can't believe so many people think it's better to drag and wrestle a 7 year old to eat when they command which ultimately results in breakfast not being eaten. If she does what she's asked my way with no badgering or physical moving of her and breakfast gets eaten, surely that is better?

I remember being a child and speaking my mind when I believed there was an injustice. I was a very obedient child, so usually on the right side of my parents and teachers, but if I believed something was not right, at home or at school, for example if the whole year group was punished because of the actions of a few, I often said so there and then, even to the headmistress. (I remember this being received by a stunned silence, followed by a telling-off for speaking out of place; I did eventually learn that there were proper channels for things like that, if very tenuously for primary school kids.)

I also used to write notes to my parents when I thought they were doing something "wrong", but I didn't want to say it face to face, because I knew they'd win the argument, talk me round, tell me I shouldn't say things like that, etc. (Once when explaining something I did face to face, I was told "how dare you use long words like 'friction'!"). If my brother wound me up, which he frequently did, they'd blame and punish us both, or sometimes even just me. They wouldn't listen to my pleas of "he started it", so I once wrote to my parents and tell them that this kept happening, and what I thought was favouritism. I'd make sure they received it when they wouldn't see me for a few hours, so they'd have time to think about it. This actually had the right effect once or twice.

So based on my own experience, I do think children have a right to be heard, but they do need to be taught the right and wrong way to say what they think, as well as choosing their moment carefully.

You are treating DD as best friend and adult and DP as the child and it is unhealthy for both. While it continues I don't think it rude for DD to point it out. You don't get change while people play 'happy families' when they haven't got one.