Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

738 replies

MrsHamsterCheeks · 13/03/2014 22:55

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone Confused

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

OP posts:
HarderToKidnap · 13/03/2014 23:58

She's not happy or secure if she felt the need to speak in this way. The things she addressed are not things 7 year olds notice. She doesn't feel that things in her home OK. And you're dressing it up a bit like "we're all fine, it's just crap Old DH she doesn't like, and he is crap." It's sidelining him and scapegoating him. She was tearing him a new one and you were silently egging her on. Does that sound like a good dynamic?

This thread is making me feel quite sad so I will be hiding it. But please wake up and sort this out.

GarlicMarchHare · 13/03/2014 23:58

Feeling ganged up on by the serfs in his castle? Tough.

NonnoMum · 13/03/2014 23:59

I'm with Garlic.

Original poster
MrsHamsterCheeks · 14/03/2014 00:00

Wilkos I can be interested without having to agree.

Personally I think dp was being disrespectful by using his phone when she'd asked him to watch the activity,by lying to dd that he'd been tidying up, by trying to pretend to me that he'd been playing with her (which she'd asked him to do) and so on. You treat others how you expect to be treated and all that...

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 14/03/2014 00:00

OP and garlic March hare, we agree. Please never stop children giving their view on family matters because when that happens there's normally cause for concern. I have 2 very strong independent adult children and I have always listened to their points of view, did not always react because of them tho' but I always heard them.

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2014 00:04

I have spoken to him about it all before and he has obviously not listened. The fact that he knows I agree with what she's said, without me having to say so, has probably left him feeling ganged up on.

Reading between the lines OP, I think you're hiding behind your DD and using her as a 'spokesperson'...albeit perhaps unintentionally.

You're clearly unhappy with your DP (and I don't blame you) but you need to woman up and tell him exactly how you feel.

Somehow your DD knows exactly how you feel and has chosen to be the 'adult' in the house and speak for you.

That's not right for a 7yr old and as much as you might appreciate it now, you certainly won't when she hits puberty and starts telling everyone else (including you) exactly how to behave.

She shouldn't have to be the one to sort your relationship out.

Original poster
MrsHamsterCheeks · 14/03/2014 00:05

Harder she is not stupid. If dd2 has an upset tummy and all she's seen him feed her is junk she is quite able to connect the two. If she asks me to play and I'm hoovering with toddler on my hip while he's sat on his phone she is able to deduce that he is doing nothing and is justified in being annoyed. So she may not have expressed it delicately enough for him, or most posters here, but her feelings are understandable. As is her inability to share them in a complete diplomatic way, because she's 7!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsHamsterCheeks · 14/03/2014 00:07

I agree worra that she shouldn't have to say anything and will certainly be speaking to him again. It's like he's a bystander in our life.

OP posts:
iamsoannoyed · 14/03/2014 00:07

I agree with Pictish- your DP sounds like he needs to pull himself together. He sounds lazy and disengaged- I'm not surprised his relationship with DD has suffered- he is not acting in a way to engender respect.

However, she has to learn that berating people in that manner (even if the content of what she says is factually correct) is not acceptable. It's a good life lesson.

It would have been better if she felt able to come to you with her concerns. Why didn't she? And as you've noticed he's not pulling his weight or engaging with his children, why haven't you done something before now?

For clarity, I do believe respect is earned and easily lost- simply being a parent does not earn a "get out of jail free card". Children have every right to their feelings. They just have to learn the appropriate manner in which to express them.

pictish · 14/03/2014 00:09

Or what Garlic says as well you know.
I'm answering this one with my parenting hat on I think.
But definitely recognise what you're saying there too.

If he's a lazy bastard he needs sorting out. No messing. But the shit thing about being an adult is you have to play the long game as well. You can't have her tirading like that...not at 7. It's too much responsibility for her and she'll lose respect for you in the process.

NonnoMum · 14/03/2014 00:10

I think some of the posters on here need to read Matilda. Ignored child speaks out and is told what a brat she is... Adults clutch at pearls in shock.

Caitlin17 · 14/03/2014 00:13

Your partner sounds a bit of a creep. I find your post worrisome. If I had to give one the benefitof the doubt it'd be your daughter.

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2014 00:15

I hope it all works out well for you and your DP starts to listen and take on board what you're saying OP Thanks

But please take on board the fact that as much as you are secretly punching the air, that he's heard it 'from the horses mouth' so to speak (and who can blame you!)...and that someone else in the house has actually said the same to him as you...having a situation where a 7 year old child is admired for an outburst like that is very wrong.

It should never have got to this stage for her or for any of you.

Have a serious talk with him and a serious look at your future.

Because the teenage years are likely to be hell with a child who has learnt (through no fault of her own) that it's her place to berate adults.

I don't mean to sound preachy but my DC are aged 22yrs, 15yrs and 11yrs and believe me, they were very very different aged 7...where as a PP said they earn stickers at school just for sitting up straight.

sunbathe · 14/03/2014 00:17

Agree with Garlic.

Smart kid.

iamsoannoyed · 14/03/2014 00:21

NonnoMum

I agree that the OPs DD should not be told to shut up, or have her feelings ignored and told to pipe down as she's unhappy with an adults behaviour.

She has the right to have her thoughts and feeling aired and respected by the adults around her.

OPs DP's behaviour (pretending to do things he hasn't to both DD and OP etc) has been poor. He is not behaving in a way which is like to earn, or maintain, the respect of those around him- both adults and children. I'm not surprised she resents him and I'm not surprised their relationship has suffered.

However, she needs to learn how to express her opinions appropriately- it's really not the place of a 7 year old to be berating an adult. Pictish is right, it's a sign of lack of security and it is too much responsibility for her at the age of 7.

She needs to feel she can talk to an adult (her mum) and that that adult will address her concerns. It is concerning that this 7 year old feels she hasn't got an effective "spokesperson", so she has to do it herself. I think this has surfaced with this rant.

RockinHippy · 14/03/2014 00:22

You've already had a lot of good sensible advice, telling you to get a grip or you are heading for one hell of a fall as far as your DDs behaviour goes

IMHO your family dynamics are all very skewed - DD thinks she's the adult & you let her, DH acts like a child & you let him, whilst you seemingly play puppet master with your DD to vent your spleen & feign ignorance - all extremely unhealthy & damaging to both your DCs & your relationship

But you don't seem to want to listen to neither advice, nor reason, so I CBA - but do come back & tell us all how that goes in a few years time when you are repeating the rewards of your ineffective parenting Hmm

RockinHippy · 14/03/2014 00:23

Reaping, not repeating

Chippednailvarnish · 14/03/2014 00:26

IMHO your family dynamics are all very skewed - DD thinks she's the adult & you let her, DH acts like a child & you let him, whilst you seemingly play puppet master with your DD to vent your spleen & feign ignorance - all extremely unhealthy & damaging to both your DCs & your relationship

But you don't seem to want to listen to neither advice, nor reason, so I CBA - but do come back & tell us all how that goes in a few years time when you are repeating the rewards of your ineffective parenting

A perfect summary from Rockin.

So what are you going to do about it OP?

rabbitlady · 14/03/2014 00:35

goodness. well, if your daughter is objecting to the man in the house, you might want to ask her why. she sounds fairly articulate so she should be able to come up with an answer. however unlikely it seems to you, please consider believing her.

MistressDeeCee · 14/03/2014 00:37

Your DD has been spectacularly rude.

Im not blaming her wholesale though OP because no matter WHAT you say, she's got her viewpoint from somewhere and someone - and that someone is you. Whether you've said it to her directly or in passing. or muttered it to yourself, or on the phone to a mate or relative. Because a 7 year old would not be able to articulate this view so distinctly, coupled with a stance that you are left to do everything. Sorry. Not at 7 years old.

If you have done this then its a passive aggressive stance to take towards your displeasure with your DH, instead of having it out with him. Venting to/via your DD and distorting her view of him. She clearly feels she can talk to him as she likes. That assumption and feeling didnt come from nowhere - she is a child, her analytical skills wont be that great - certainly not great enough to upbraid your DP the way she did.

Yes, have a word with her. Also to find out whether there is any other reason she is so angry with your DP. Because she IS angry. She should be just being a child now, not have anger and confusion raging due to actions - or inactions - of adults. Maybe have a think about how you express certain matters to her as well. 7 year olds are rarely out of earshot - they have bats ears! Its not everything that happens that must be said within her hearing. Or even when you feel she may be nearby...either way, I dont think by a long chalk that your DD is the only one wrong here.

NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2014 00:43

She's entitled to voice an opinion yes, she is not entitled to be rude and disrespectful in how she does it.
In that situation my response would have been 'dd1, I realise you are frustrated about something, but shouting and speaking to daddy in that way is not polite, yoi don't like being shouted at and neither does daddy'.

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2014 00:44

goodness. well, if your daughter is objecting to the man in the house, you might want to ask her why. she sounds fairly articulate so she should be able to come up with an answer. however unlikely it seems to you, please consider believing her.

You haven't read the thread have you? Confused

Far from the OP thinking it seems unlikely, her DD has apparently said everything the OP has already said to her DP (which fell on deaf ears).

Apparently though, the DD has never been in earshot when the OP has voiced her unhappiness....

NobodyLivesHere · 14/03/2014 00:50

And I say this as someone who grew up I a home where my stepdad was fucking useless and we all knew it. My mother did nothing about it and while I never ranted at him (he never spoke to me really, or I to him) it created a weird, unsettled dynamic in our house that was horrible.

AJH2007 · 14/03/2014 01:18

If DD1 was at school then the dentist, how does she know that all DP fed DD2 "all day" was chips and crisps?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2014 01:19

OP, do you really not understand how people can understand DD's frustration, know that it is good that a child feels able to voice her feelings, understand that feelings are all OK, but still think this was wrong?

If your DH really is a lazy, useless, lying, phone addicted twunt, your issue isn't her saying it or not. Your issue is him, not her. If she has to say this stuff, you have already got massive issues as parents. Deal with that, deal with the relationship, deal with him, don't make your poor DD fight your battles for you. God, the pressure on the poor little thing.