to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

Yes I will be speaking to dp again.

Have spoken to dd1. She said that she thinks he's rude because he says 'mm hmm' etc when her or dd2 talk to him because he's on his phone and has actually paid no attention to what they've said. She said she'd already asked him to put his phone away politely because it kept going off every ten seconds and distracting her from what she was playing. She said she never really sees me on my phone and that dp being on his all the time makes her feel like he's more interested in that than us.

I said she should have spoken to me first and she said that she would of done, if I wasn't busy bathing, brushing teeth of, reading to etc dd2 while he was 'sneaking about.' I've reassured her that I'll be speaking to him today when she's at school and reminded her that she needs to be respectful. She apologised and said he just made her furious

For those saying I'm undermining him and that he should be able to discipline her after six years - as far as I'm concerned, he can. He chooses not to, probably because it's more difficult and distracting from his phone, this in itself reduces the respect dd1 has for him.

Maybe when your doing jobs and your DD wants someone to play she could ask DP instead of you? It seems that the attitude is that DP should do the housework so you can play. DD will be picking up on this and it will affect her and DPs relationship if she feels he shouldn't be the one to play with her.

Tell him he needs to play when she asks.

Although tbh she's 7 so could play alone. Family time playing boards games is very effective at this age. All of you stop what your doing and play with DD. That includes you. The hoovering will always be there it won't be affected by you playing games with your DD but your Dd could be affected if you prioritise hoovering.

I think your DP just needs help with parenting. He doesn't sound like he refuses responsibility and he takes the girls out etc - just he's not sure how to parent. I do wonder whether you did most of the raising DD1 although you lived together and so this precedent has been set form early on.

It's never too late to change family dynamics - it's bumpy path worth taking though.

Why is everyone calling DP lazy? Did no one see the bit where DP had toddler all afternoon, took DD1 to dentist and then went to work? Surely a bit of down time before work after having kids all afternoon is fine?

I think it's quite in order to let her speak the truth as she sees it - particularly as she sees it so clearly.

I think the fact that he follows her upstairs in order to make it look as though he's made an effort is rude and disrespectful and your dd is obviously intelligent enough to see that.

It sounds like it wouldn't hurt him to hear some home truths and coming from a child he ought to be considering her words and changing his ways.

She's growing up and it sounds like she's a good judge of character.

It's up to you to say something not your daughter. If my dss who is a similar age decided to pull me up on something like that id be fucking livid. And incandescant if dp just left the room and let his child give me a dressing down. You've clearly already decided you're not unreasonable to let her fight your battles for you. Stop burying your head in the sand and talk to him yourself.

AtSea please read the whole thread.

Like I said in the OP youarewinning she'd rather not do something than do it with him. She likes games at the moment but dp can't make it all the way through without getting his phone out so dd has got frustrated and packed it away.

I used to write rotas in our house a about the same age, to try to get my dad to pull his weight domestically! I think weekly family meetings were soon after introduced so we all had a forum to politely air our opinions, ideas for days out and anything we really enjoyed recently etc...much better than my passive-aggresive joblists or your daughter's outburst, as it gives others the right to reply and a time to negotiate some small changes and see if it makes a difference.

Hope you can work towards a more peaceful (and maybe more fairly productive, however that may pan out in your household) life over the next few weeks :-)

I very stronglly disagree that everyone should drop everything and play with a 7 year old when she asks. She is not the centre of the household and other things will sometimes take precedence over entertaining a child. Even if he just doesn't feel like it. I expect that all parents will sometimes say no when their child demands they play with them. That is not unreasonable imo.

It's up to you to say something not your daughter. If my dss who is a similar age decided to pull me up on something like that id be fucking livid. And incandescant if dp just left the room and let his child give me a dressing down. You've clearly already decided you're not unreasonable to let her fight your battles for you. Stop burying your head in the sand and talk to him yourself.

I think many adults would have behaved in the same way as your dd. While an angry rant is clearly not the best way for anyone to bring up their feelings sometimes we get so annoyed before we've had chance to deal with it properly.
I think she should be told that she was really rude and reminded how she should have dealt with her feelings. However I believe in earning respect, not for demanding obedience. I guess is down to parenting style.

When it comes to rules over breakfast. If that's how you do it in your house, fine. As long as there are boundaries and rules about things that are important to your family. We are relaxed about meals but disciplined about other things like tidiness.
BUT you and dp needs to agree and live by the same set of rules. It's not fair on anyone in the house if the rules keep changing.
As for raising

Op you are bring very defensive..which is your prerogative ..but why the hell did you ask for our opinion if you are going to say everyone who disagrees with you is wrong? You asked if you were BU...and a lot of us think you are. There's your answer.

I don't think you really want to hear whether YABU or not. But yes, YABU.

Heavens! Where does she find the energy to be her step father's moral compass, along with being two years ahead at school, and being the head of several sports teams. At 7.

Hmm.

It sounds like you let her speak your mind to dh.

100% on the side of the child here. Get the man sorted out. Don't tolerate unfairness for even one other day. He sounds awful, a waste of space.

Sounds like a lot of the rant was things she heard you moan about so YOU need to say them to dp not her. YABU - she shouldn't be encouraged to be the adult!

She said she'd already asked him to put his phone away politely because it kept going off every ten seconds and distracting her from what she was playing.

Lol. Yes, I can just imagine getting that request from one of mine.
Sure thing honey - you're in charge. You tell me what to do.
Or not.

I'm just hmmming all over the place here.

My dp can be an arse and i tell him... but if my dd's said it to him i would be not only furious but sad. I am mature enough to know that he might forget to put the recycling out and piss me off sometimes but actually he is a good man and an amazing dad.....but a seven year old wouldn't imo see it like that IYSWIM.
The phone thing seems to be an issue to you OP so you shouldnt wait for your dd to raise the subject to feel like you have an excuse to talk about it....
If you bring a man into your dd's life and things aren't going smoothly it is your responsibility to sort it.

"For those saying I'm undermining him and that he should be able to discipline her after six years - as far as I'm concerned, he can."

Yet you don't back him up over breakfast, for example.

Do they really have head of sports teams at the age of 7? Not something I have ever seen and our children do a variety of different things.

Anyway, YABU, your daughter sounds far too precious and this does not bode well for the future. The argument (if indeed there is one) is with you and your DP - not with your DP and DD.

I'm still failing to see how she could know what he had fed the 14 month old if she had been at school all day? I am also puzzled as to why your DP was up all day if he was working all night?

There are two separate issues here - a partner whose parenting you are unhappy with and a disrespectful little madam. You need to deal with them separately and not try to let your daughter regulate your partner's behaviour. Tbh I am shocked that anyone would think it ok for a 7 yr old to be so disrespectful to an adult.

Yes your dd sounded rude to speak to an adult like that BUT I don't blame her.

She's obviously an angry and upset little girl. Her step-father ignores her and her sister, he lets her down by promising to do things with her, then doesn't interact with her as he's on his phone, he feeds his dd crap(when she's ill already, causing more sickness) and he expects respect from her??

I agree with others I that YOU have to step up and start being assertive. But NOT toward your dd, towards your partner.

And I totally agre with you re the breakfast thing. She's 7, as plong as she comes and eats it within a few minutes who cares?

And lastly why the heck is spending so much time on his phone?? He needs weaning off it.

I agree with the OP re the breakfast thing. Forcing children to eat can easily lead to eating disorders.

Do you think she may be angry at him for something else and is venting?

those saying I'm undermining him and that he should be able to discipline her after six years - as far as I'm concerned, he can

But you are undermining him when he parents so is it any wonder he has disengaged?

You don't reinforce his expectation that she sits nicely for breakfast when he asks. You have made it clear on this thread that you don't agree with it. You have told your DD that she doesn't have to do what her stepdad tells her regarding sitting for breakfast because you don't do it that way. And yet you expect him to discipline and parent her. Why would he? He knows you'll contradict him.

You are not on the same page as parents. You have different values and beliefs. And you're not prepared to discuss it and compromise. Poor DCs.