to have let dd speak her mind to dp?

[MrsHamsterCheeks]

Dd is 7, dp has been around since she was one. Recently she's been really off with him - not wanting him to take her to school, hold her hand,read to her and so on. She'd rather miss out on doing something she enjoys than do it with him. He seems to just grate on her. For example, if her breakfast is ready I'd tell her so, if she didn't go to eat it within a minute I'd check she'd heard then leave her to it - her own fault if it goes cold, though 99% of the time she goes within a couple of minutes.

Dp on the other hand would tell her it's ready, then keeping saying 'come on, breakfast is ready' every twenty seconds until she gets annoyed or even try and lead her to the table. She is very headstrong and likes to do things on her own terms but he just doesn't seem to get her anymore. By his method she usually leaves her breakfast then he'll offer her something else, so it isn't that I'm pandering to her - quite the opposite.

Today dp took our dd (14 months) out for a few hours as I had some work to catch up on. He then collected dd from school and took her to the dentist. When they returned I had cooked tea, I washed up, tidied, sorted out school bags, bathed the kids, did homework with dd, read stories with them both etc. He watched football and/or sat on his phone.

When he heard me telling dd2 that it was the last story I heard him creep upstairs and go and sit on dd1s bed as she'd been playing in her room. When dd2 and I entered dd1 glared at dp and said: 'i don't know why you're pretending you've been playing with me, mummy knows you've been downstairs on your phone you know.' He mumbled something about tidying up and she started ranting about how he hadn't tidied up, or washed up, or anything else because I'd done it as well as everything else while he played on his phone

She then proceeded to tell him that all he'd done that evening was upset dd2 by making her have tummy ache because all he'd fed her today was two lots of chips and a packet of crisps and by turning off the iPad quickly when he heard me coming downstairs so I wouldn't know he'd stuck dd2 in front of igglepiggle 'yet again.' I honestly never rant to or about dp so this tirade hasn't come from me.

Dp looked shocked and had a go at her for being a 'completely disrespectful little madame' and turned to me and said 'are you going to let her speak to me like this?' Dd2 was then sick so I had to sort her out but I could hear her and dp still bickering. I put dd1 to bed and said we'll talk in the morning as dd2 is still being sick and dp gone to work.

Aibu to have let her speak her mind? I feel it might do her good to get it off her chest as the resentment has obviously been building but then feel I'm undermining dp. However, everything she said was true so I can't tell her off for that. Maybe just speak to her about voicing her opinions more respectfully?? What do you think?

I think there are several issues here:

1. your DD has noted your DH spends more time on his phone/playing games etc than he does with them (i.e. he is physically present but not engaging with them). That is likely to cause problems in their relationship.

I'm fairly shocked that your DH is "creeping" upstairs to try and pretend he's spent time with your DD, when he really hasn't. She's 7, she'll have noticed. You've noticed. So why is he continuing this behaviour? It strikes me as odd.

Is this usual for him or a once off? If it's usual, he needs to start taking some responsibility for his behaviour- of course she doesn't respect him when he's behaving like this.

2)I think your DD needs to learn how to express her feelings in a more appropriate manner. She should not learn that she can't express her feelings, or that she shouldn't tell the truth just because it is uncomfortable for others. But she has to be shown that there are appropriate ways to express how she feels and that the way she did that was inappropriate. She was rude and that needs to be nipped in the bud.

The problem for your DH is that demanding respect and good behaviour, while simultaneously "creeping around" trying to pretend he's done things he hasn't right in front of your DD, means she doesn't respect him and so is likely to ignore what he says.

3)Clearly, there are issues surrounding division of domestic chores and childcare (or rather, the manner in which your DH behaves when he's looking after the children). That is something you both need to talk about and work out a way forward.

I think your dp sounds like a lazy useless twat and your dd like a precocious little madam. You need to get a grip, fast.

Jane fair enough if that's your opinion, but I don't think it's stellar parenting or helpful in terms of teaching the children boundaries or an understanding of what is classed as acceptable behaviour - my opinion. I'd also be very concerned about the state of my marriage if my partner behaved the way the OP did. This may be an unpopular viewpoint but I think that couples should stick together and keep disagreements in private rather than causing confusion or upset for the children. I don't think it's OK that the DD in this case essentially ripped into her DF and her DM sanctioned it - regardless of whether she may have had some elements right.

It seems as if she is pointing out why her relationship with your dp has gone downhill, she doesn't respect him and it's no wonder!

Children should be able to speak their mind, yes politely, they have feelings, thoughts and opinions and better that we know what they are then them being hidden from us.

And is unhappy, rude, disrespectful and supercilious at home.

It's not all about school.

Doesn't the school report tell you something?

The teachers have set clear boundaries that (for now anyway) she doesn't dare to cross.

If she started ripping into the teachers and telling them where they are going wrong in their jobs...because she's 'just being honest', I'm sure her reports would be quite different.

Think about it OP.

Well Harder, my 'deeply ineffectual parenting' isn't so bad if it produces a child who's two years ahead at school, head of several sports teams, received a glowing report from school, has lots of friends etc.

Yes at primary school where you get a sticker for sitting nicely. Just wait and see what happens when she hits puberty.

Agree Jane, if he behaved poorly towards dd I wouldn't back him up just because he's an adult and she's a child. I think children need to know you will stick up for them if need be

It's your job to express this stuff to your DP, that your DD has felt the need to say it shows she respects neither of you and resents both of you. If she thought you had it in hand she wouldn't feel the need to speak out, and that's how it should be. A 7yr old child shouldn't feel like she has to get involved in this kind of thing, she should see that you are capable of sorting it out yourself. Obviously you aren't, as you seem delighted your 7yr old has said it all for you and saved you the trouble.

I'm sure she'll have some things to say to you in future, I hope you'll be just as open to her speaking her mind when you're the one under fire.

Is your DP to be treated as her parent, or is he some half way house thats dxoexmcted to do things for her, but not disciple her.

A lot of this mess is between DP and DD.

Seven year-olds are very blunt and a bit cheeky. They learn cutting remarks, before they learn diplomacy.

Both DDs would tell DH what to do and what he was doing wrong. Most of the time they we're right and I left them to it. It's up to him to decide when they are too rude.

And you to discuss your joint parenting strategies when she is out of ear shot.

Either you and DP sort out how to be parents together and you let your DD sort out a proper Father, daughter relationship with your DP or you accept you can never live with anyone until she leaves home.

Wow! Your DP alleged failings notwithstanding, I am speechless at your DD's behavior towards him. She is 7 years old and clearly wears the pants in your household.

You got here somehow and I'm afraid I can't believe that she is not picking up her attitude to your DP from you. You may not think you're showing your resentment about your DP to her but obviously you are.

Wow, where to begin. My first thought is that if I call dd1 (6 yo) for breakfast I expect her to be there within seconds unless on the toilet, but then straight after she's washed her hands not just when she fancies it. Had your dd asked him to play with her? If not then why can't he be on his phone? My girls happily play together or one might play on her own and not need an adult to be in her face wanting to join in so I might go on FB or check work emails etc. You are a unit otherwise you are the mum and he's just some bloke she doesn't respect or listen to. If you agree with what she said you can discuss that later but why do you feel your child should be able to make you dp feel like crap. Even if it's true in the adult world it would be called sh*t stirring.

Put in a grown up context. As a manager I will always stand up for my team. If one of them needs to be pulled up on something, that is for me to do. A team member wants to complain about another colleague, they come to me as a manager and discuss it with me then I will deal with the situation. It's the same here. If she had said "mum, I don't like this that and the other" then that is absolutely fine for her to express her opinion. The way she did it comes across as antagonistic and deliberately trying to put a wedge between you and dp. Dp is not her father but he is her sister's father. It looks like jealousy to me. Would you be okay with her going up to her teacher at school and telling a few "home truths"? Basically by not standing up for dp you have taught her that that would be acceptable. Maybe you think it is? Most people would not. Diplomacy is the word you might want to look up.

Ignoring whether your DD was rude or not, she obviously feels rather strongly to blurt all this out. You need to have a serious, grown up talk with your DP about what she said and why she said it. Making any changes shouldn't be your DD's responsibility.

Expected to do things (sorry stupid Kindle)

If you have an issue with his laziness it's for you to talk to him not her, I'd tell her not to speak to him like that but honestly he sounds like a lazy bugger and she has clearly noticed.

Your 7 year old shouldn't be sorting him out though, you should.

Lessons, I'm very aware with a bright child they can see through most of parents manoeuvrings and get to the source if any issues, so I would always prefer things to be upfront and honest. And respect MUST be earned, it's not a god given right because you're a parent or partner.

So will you be quite so nonchalent about her statement of facts, if she turns them on you?

If she is allowed to address her parent this way, it won't be long before she feels quite at liberty to berate you. Oh yes.

That's the crux of it. Whether or not she has a point, if she is given the status of being permitted to hand out a dressing down at 7, you are going to reap what you have sown.
Personally, I'd be furious of my kid spoke to me like that.

So that asides...it sounds like it's something he needed to hear...but it should have come from you.

Lessons I didn't behave in any way, dd2 was being sick so I could hardly ignore her to intervene. Harder she isn't unhappy at home, she's unhappy with him. There'sa big ddifference.

What worra said.

If the OP thinks her husband's parenting is crap then she needs to talk to him about it and work out - together - how they can manage this, rather than let a 7 year old get into a position where she feels about to act out like this. I genuinely think a child that age with this kind of behaviour doesn't feel safe or that her parents work as a team. And that's a massive problem. Children are children - not adults - and shouldn't be expected to try and 'fix' adult 'problems' in this way.

Well it really depends if you want to actually have a functioning, effective parenting partnership with your DP or not. If you don't just let your Dd think she can behave however she likes towards your Dp because you are basically telling her that she does not need to have any respect towards him and if you agree with her on that then why are you with him? If she had told you about the phone situation (at the activity thing) why didn't you have a quiet word with him about that yourself and tell him it had really upset her? Then he would have had the opportunity to sort it out with her.

Sorry OP - when I said 'behaved in that way' I meant it sounded very much like you didn't challenge your DD's massively disrespectful behaviour towards your husband. More a case of inaction I guess. I think I'll duck out now because I don't think you are listening to anyone other than Jane who supports your position, so there's no point continuing to debate it.

OP, why did you post in AIBU? Because you clearly aren't in the slightest bit interested in anyone's opinion...

She was angry, she spoke her mind, she wasn't trying to fix things.

I have spoken to him about it all before and he has obviously not listened. The fact that he knows I agree with what she's said, without me having to say so, has probably left him feeling ganged up on.

Unlike nearly every other respondent (or every??), Hamster, your OP made me completely in love with your DD1! She has a strong sense of justice, honesty, supports fair division of labour, and isn't afraid to speak her mind. Well done that girl! She must have an excellent mother

She wasn't rude. She didn't call him names. She didn't lie. She observes what goes on in her home, as is right, and called him out for shirking & lying. Smart child. I would defend her to the death, and I hope you do too.