To treat my children like this and ignore MIL

[spritesoright]

DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 weeks old. DH went back to work last week so we asked MIL if she could come and help out, mostly so I can try and catch up on sleep. She has been here today while DD1 was at nursery and half of yesterday when she wasn't.
Up to last night it was going really well. Then DD1 asked if I would put her to bed and kicked off when I was trying to get her nappy on for bed.
She has been generally enthusiastic about her new sister but also challenging for DH and I and has smacked DD2 a couple of times.
I had DD2 in the sling and could feel myself getting angry with DD1 so I went and sat in the corridor while DD1 screamed and demanded her Daddy.
MIL exclaims "Oh my God!" Steps over my legs and goes to comfort DD1. I was in tears so grateful for the help.
I finished putting DD1 to bed and after she demanded a 5th story, water, a lullaby, Daddy I finally told her no and left the room to her whinging.
Got downstairs and MIL tells me she is leaving because of the way DD1 "is being treated." I already feel guilty about DD1 having to cope with new baby and told MIL I am doing my best on very little sleep. She told me "not to be a martyr"since tonnes of women have raised more than one child. Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.
I am already struggling and the last thing I need is criticism of my parenting and pointing out DD1's behaviour.
DH came home and backed me up and she tried to patch it up by saying she did think I was a good mother and she will stay tomorrow. Honestly I just want her to go home as I will feel judged all tomorrow but for the sake of our relationship I will muddle through I guess.
But AIBU to think DD1 will just have to get used to DD2's need for me now and her behaviour will improve. I do try hard to incorporate DD1 into helping and to pay her lots of attention but I'm not prepared to put DD2 to cry in the Moses basket while I do this.

To be brutal, I'm not sure having help helps. It just means you don't find your own way. When everyone else goes away you find solutions. It's early days and does rapidly get better x

It always interests me on mumsnet that it's fine to leave a tiny newborn to scream in order to comfort an older sibling or just show them attention but any question about leaving a much older baby to cry to sleep train them is seen as tantamount to child abuse and will damage them for life.

OP I have an eight week

....old and my toddler irritated me in the first few weeks. It's back to normal now so sound worry. I think it's natured way of making you put the newborn first. Or just sleep deprivation. Either way, it passes and quickly.

Good luck. It's lots easier here already. And send your MIL packing.

The op says on p1 that she puts the baby in moses basket or pram when she is sleeping, so that is probably quite a bit as she sis newborn.

Am guessing she had her in the sling because she wouldnt settle?

Sound = don't.

Could you try one of those automatic swinging chairs.

We had one for DD and it was a godsend when trying to sort out DS2 (who are only 19 months apart)

Wow. Some of the replies here are horrible. Have some of you forgotten that the op has a three week old baby and a toddler?

I've seen posts here about toddlers who are resented for bad behaviour, they are generally met with understanding and encouragement. And that's without having a newborn to wrangle on top of that!

None of my babies would be put down for any time. By dc4 we discovered slings so that's where he stayed most of the time during the early weeks. It actually helped me to deal with the older dc as the baby was settled.

At three weeks, no matter how easy the newborn is, it's still bloody hard work. The op is probably exhausted.
Had the mil held the baby, rather than insisted it was put down to dry, there would have been no need for this AIBU in the first place.

When mine were babies, I would get 1-1 time with the older dc as dh would hold the baby or take it for a walk when he got home, so there was peaceful time to spend with them.
He would also take the others out to do fun things so they didn't feel deprived.

It's still very early days, in a few weeks everything will feel easier.
Ask your mil to go, you don't need 'help' like that.

*cry

It's easy to forget what it's like in the very first days. A newborn is not just a baby, they are tiny, fragile and need to be with their mothers constantly. You can't just stick a newborn in a bouncy chair.

littlemslazybones

Perhaps it is because I grew up being resented, that I cannot imagine resenting my child. It has nothing to do with superiority.

YANBU but I don't understand the need for DD2 to be in the sling all day. I get that she is little and I loved the all day snuggles but when DS3 came along it was something that had to be curtailed somewhat so my other children didn't feel left out.

Why will she cry for the whole time she is in the moses? Can you try a bouncy chair?

I have twins so when they were little (not so much now they are 5!) I would have to deal with one while the other cried. I wasn't making them cry, I was letting them while I dealt with my other child. This was necessity from 2 weeks old when DH went back to work.

Unless your MIL really is a heartless old bag are you sure she wouldn't have soothed the baby in the moses while you were putting DD1 to bed?