To treat my children like this and ignore MIL

[spritesoright]

DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 weeks old. DH went back to work last week so we asked MIL if she could come and help out, mostly so I can try and catch up on sleep. She has been here today while DD1 was at nursery and half of yesterday when she wasn't.
Up to last night it was going really well. Then DD1 asked if I would put her to bed and kicked off when I was trying to get her nappy on for bed.
She has been generally enthusiastic about her new sister but also challenging for DH and I and has smacked DD2 a couple of times.
I had DD2 in the sling and could feel myself getting angry with DD1 so I went and sat in the corridor while DD1 screamed and demanded her Daddy.
MIL exclaims "Oh my God!" Steps over my legs and goes to comfort DD1. I was in tears so grateful for the help.
I finished putting DD1 to bed and after she demanded a 5th story, water, a lullaby, Daddy I finally told her no and left the room to her whinging.
Got downstairs and MIL tells me she is leaving because of the way DD1 "is being treated." I already feel guilty about DD1 having to cope with new baby and told MIL I am doing my best on very little sleep. She told me "not to be a martyr"since tonnes of women have raised more than one child. Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.
I am already struggling and the last thing I need is criticism of my parenting and pointing out DD1's behaviour.
DH came home and backed me up and she tried to patch it up by saying she did think I was a good mother and she will stay tomorrow. Honestly I just want her to go home as I will feel judged all tomorrow but for the sake of our relationship I will muddle through I guess.
But AIBU to think DD1 will just have to get used to DD2's need for me now and her behaviour will improve. I do try hard to incorporate DD1 into helping and to pay her lots of attention but I'm not prepared to put DD2 to cry in the Moses basket while I do this.

Yanbu. I wouldn't let the baby scream either. You could let mil see some of the research that shows how bad for babies it is to let them cio and see if you can bring her round? If she can hold therapy while you do bed ttime that'd solve the issue.

MN is a strange place sometimes. Talking about sleep training and CIO is met with a response like you are suggesting abuse whereas here lots of people say let your newborn cry for 30mins. Very odd contradiction.

OP you are doing a great job. You are trying to meet both children's needs and the sling for bedtime sounds like a great idea. I don't see how it is ignoring DD1's needs at all. Your attention is fully on her. You just have a baby strapped to you. That is much much easier than having both of you listen to baby cry. Also this is a very important time for DD1. She will be picking up on all your behaviour with the baby and this is how she will learn to model behaviour both when behaving around her sister and when she is a parent thirty years from now.

Also often kids play up when things change because they are testing boundaries. You owe it to DD to show her that the rules haven't changed. She needs that security. expectations of her haven't changed. Life is the same apart from the baby (unobtrusively attached to you!)
You are doing a great job. Ignore MIL and all the slightly hypocritical advice here.

PS I am an advocate of CC and did it with both of mine so I am not a stranger to letting babies cry. I do not believe in doing it when they are under about 8months as I think they only cry for a reason and not being next to you is a perfectly good reason to cry.

I have been in the same position with two and used a sling, its the best solution. Listening on her new born cry is not going to help the op spend quality time with DD1. She will be stressed and distracted wanting to comfort DD1. My mum had the same attitude as your MIL. It's unhelpful and I didn't see her much inDD2's early days. She did have DD1 stay with her for a couple of days which DD1 loved.

I'm sure she means well. She is a product of her time. FWIW, I think you'd be better off if her help was restricted to bringing around a pot of soup or a freezable dinner. Emotions are so frayed with newborns.

^^ This.

DD1 is struggling with the fact that she's gone from only child to second place overnight.

She's showing her hurt the only way she can. Rather than resent her for it, listen to what her behaviour is desperately trying to tell you.

Yanbu. I wouldn't let the baby scream either. You could let mil see some of the research that shows how bad for babies it is to let them cio and see if you can bring her round? If she can hold therapy while you do bed ttime that'd solve the issue.

The ^ was to Boomboomscousin - the thread galloped on!

Your mil didn't need to hold the baby though, surely if you had just asked her to watch the baby she would have sorted her if needed while you gave dd1 some 1-1 time?

I do think it's important to try to get some 1-1 time with dd1 where she isn't seeing the baby as being a permanent attachment to you because I can see why for a young child that would be hard to accept.

It's very difficult, OP.

I have a 13 month old and a 3.5 week old and planning to have new baby in the sling as soon as she's heavy enough for it.

At the moment, if DC1 needs attention, I have to leave baby to cry for a short period while attending to DC1 - whether that's to put him in the playpen with toys (and CBeebies on) or the Jumperoo (with kiddy TV).

I'm sorry your MIL is making things difficult for you and your DH backed you up. Maybe it's time she left now. You don't need the added stress.

Well I have 2children with an 15 month age gap, I never left dc2 to cry while putting dc1 to bed, I'd too have dc2 there with me be feeding him while reading stories etc, dc1 doesn't resent him at all, they are very close and she's very protective of him. She keeps asking when we can have another baby (dc1 now nearly 3 and dc2 18 months). You can't pretend they are only children when there is a sibling, they are going to have to share you so having the baby there at bedtime makes sense?!

Did you even try putting baby down?

Perhaps MIL would have picked her up if she started to cry?

How much attention does your toddler get when you are feeding baby?

Mine liked to sit with me & look at a book together or do a puzzle on a board on ther bed or just cuddle.

I don't think having your newborn in a sling is a problem at ALL. However, you do seem to be struggling with your relationship with your DD1.

IMO, when your DD1 is not in nursery, as much as possible she needs to be your focus. Its so hard I know, and the beginning of a lifetime of needing to be everything x 2!

My DD had potty training regression when DS was born. She'd wait until I started feeding DS (or thats how it seemed at times!) and then wee all over the floor. It was so hard not to get cross - newborns are do simple compared to toddlers - especially toddlers who are feeling insecure!

Ignore your MIL, send her home, and come up with strategies for coping. E.g. I would feed DS whilst I played with DD. She's sit alongside me on the sofa, and I'd have prepared a whole load of activities I could do one handed (stickers, colouring, jigsaw on a tray etc). Gone are the days of lying in bed watching telly with your newborn, feeding and sleeping. Life with a toodler and lo requires strategies!

Good luck OP.

Haven't read full thread - sorry.

You poor thing!!

I have three DC - youngest 6 months. Have never left baby to try while doing bedtime for oldest and have used sling for exactly that purpose.

3 weeks is early days and you are all still finding your feet. You will find a way to make it work for your family.

And FWIW your mil was really unfair to say that to you even if she was thinking it!

You seem very resentful of your oldest child, maybe your MIL is seeing that and is trying to address it.

FFS I didn't leave my newborn crying whilst I spent quality time with DS1. I put him down for five minutes whilst I put his pyjamas on or tried to calm him down and Sometimes you just have to put the baby for a couple of minutes in order to calm down the toddler.

I think that you need to give DD1 some individual time without being attached to the baby. You could use MIL, while she is there,to cuddle the baby. When she isn't DH could have the sling while you spend time with DD1. I think that many children would be resentful if they are used to having mother to themselves and suddenly not only are they permanently attached to a baby, but the baby always comes first. If she can't get your attention she will have tantrums etc to try and get it.

That is not the same as CIO sometimes this place is hysterical.

DD1 having a tantrum getting ready for bed is her crying with need. I think you are being hard on her, poor little thing is not much more than a baby herself - and until recently she was your primary focus.

I think that however much you don't want to hear it, your MIL is making a valid point.

I see the usefulness of slings but I don't understand why a baby has to be carried around all day. Perhaps I'm old fashioned but why can't DD2 be fed, watered, changed and put into a cot or pram to sleep to enable you to pay one-to-one attention to DD1? At the moment DD2 always has to be present. DD1 never gets you to herself.

Have you thought about asking DD1 to 'help' with DD2? For example, when changing DD2, have everything laid out ready and ask DD2 to hand you (a) or (b). When ready to sleep after that, DD1 can hand you a blanket and 'help' to tuck in DD2. DD1 will become part of the new scenario then. I know DD1 is only 2 but how do they learn things if they are not shown?

Best post so far: BeeInYourBonnet. This is exactly what my dd did when her brother was born (there is a 20 month age gap and she potty trained early). I ignored the bad behaviour, calmly cleaning up, and turning the focus to something positive eg her special toys that she only had when I was feeding dc2. My son is nowhere near potty training so we aren't having the same potty issues (2 years 3 months age gap this time) but I'm piling on the attention as much as I can.

At times, quite often actually, your older dc has to take priority. I wouldn't advocate letting baby scream for half an hour (use my sling loads) but sometimes they do have to wait a few minutes. They grow up so much more considerate of others than a pfb whose every whim is jumped on (I'm one! And I can see it in my dc).

Either way I stick to my original thought that you need to be very careful about resenting your older daughter. She's doing nothing wrong and is still very very little herself.

I have a just-turned 2 year old DD and I have another DD due in June. I plan to use a wrap sling (which, incidentally, you can use from birth wuxiaplan if that helps) with the newborn just so I can still play and keep up with my toddler without any long crying fits. That said, I DO intend to encourage the baby to be happy to be put down from time to time -- DD1 never was and that was fine (though unutterably exhausting) because there was no other small person to consider.

I am a firm believer in not leaving babies to cry, but I am also not a fan of very young firstborn children feeling pushed out by the arrival of a new baby when they are barely finished being babies themselves. The guilt I feel about having a second so soon (not the plan!) is tremendous, and I will be doing everything I can to mitigate my eldest's natural feelings of being rather put out.

YANBU OP, to not want to leave your newborn to cry for '30 minutes' but you also need to be willing to try and encourage her to be left so you can give your DD1 some much needed one-on-one time...

Sorry OP but I think you are being unfair to DD1. As PP said, up until recently she was your primary focus and now she is having to share you all the time.

I had 2 DS 16 months apart then twins when DS2 was 3yo. It was all about balance.

I am not saying you should leave a baby to cry for ages but you do need to make sure DD1 gets quality time with you and I always found DS1's bed time was the nicest and made for a calm evening.
If you have the baby constantly in a sling your poor DD1 cannot even hug you properly.

You don't know if DD2 would have cried for 1/2 hour as you didn't even try. You cannot expect a 2 year old to understand that you need to put the babies needs above theirs. and how best do 2 yo express themselves? With tantrums.

If you are unwilling to find balance and divide your time between DC's then maybe try a back sling for baby. That way you are still holding her and she can still hear your heart beat, smell you, hear you voice but when you are face to face with DD1 reading a story etc. there is not the barrier of the baby between you. This way DD1 will feel as if she has your full attention.

Also ignore MIL, I can see why she was upset but she should of really bit her tongue.

I have exactly the same age gap between dd1 & dd2, although they're much older now. It's a hard trot the first 8 weeks or so but your language is very negative towards your eldest daughter. Can you bath them together? Just a quick dip, wrap them up & play in the bedroom after bath for 10 mins - maybe fiddle with bedtime routine for your eldest a bit. What time does your dh get home? Fwiw my just turned 3 year old had a tantrum because the sky was blue - she'd like it to be purpose thanks very much

Your mil approached it with her foot in her mouth but she sees her two grandaughters being treated unfairly.

I think MIL realises she should have kept quiet,but it is difficult when you can see unfairness.

I can't believe the responses you're getting here OP. Of course you don't want to let a newborn scream alone for you for 30 minutes! Neither of mine would be out down for the first few weeks, then it got easier. Your 2.5 year olds tantrums are completely normal, when you feel guilty remember this is a short lived phase and that you have given her a sibling to love and enrich her life. You are only 3 weeks in, this is a time of upheaval for all of you including DD, but things will settle.

Give yourself a break. Your MIL is being an asshole, it's very easy to judge when you aren't the one flooded with hormones and exhaustion.