To treat my children like this and ignore MIL

[spritesoright]

DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 weeks old. DH went back to work last week so we asked MIL if she could come and help out, mostly so I can try and catch up on sleep. She has been here today while DD1 was at nursery and half of yesterday when she wasn't.
Up to last night it was going really well. Then DD1 asked if I would put her to bed and kicked off when I was trying to get her nappy on for bed.
She has been generally enthusiastic about her new sister but also challenging for DH and I and has smacked DD2 a couple of times.
I had DD2 in the sling and could feel myself getting angry with DD1 so I went and sat in the corridor while DD1 screamed and demanded her Daddy.
MIL exclaims "Oh my God!" Steps over my legs and goes to comfort DD1. I was in tears so grateful for the help.
I finished putting DD1 to bed and after she demanded a 5th story, water, a lullaby, Daddy I finally told her no and left the room to her whinging.
Got downstairs and MIL tells me she is leaving because of the way DD1 "is being treated." I already feel guilty about DD1 having to cope with new baby and told MIL I am doing my best on very little sleep. She told me "not to be a martyr"since tonnes of women have raised more than one child. Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.
I am already struggling and the last thing I need is criticism of my parenting and pointing out DD1's behaviour.
DH came home and backed me up and she tried to patch it up by saying she did think I was a good mother and she will stay tomorrow. Honestly I just want her to go home as I will feel judged all tomorrow but for the sake of our relationship I will muddle through I guess.
But AIBU to think DD1 will just have to get used to DD2's need for me now and her behaviour will improve. I do try hard to incorporate DD1 into helping and to pay her lots of attention but I'm not prepared to put DD2 to cry in the Moses basket while I do this.

But the sibling isn't going to be a positive addition to her life if she is left to feel she is now second best. I never put DS2 down for long but sometimes DS1 just needed the reassurance that he would still come first at least some of the time. Mostly we just had a quick cuddle then decided we had to pick up the baby and cuddle him together as he was crying.

What I generally aimed for a bedtime though was to get enough milk into DS2 so that he would at least have a 15 min catnap so I could sort out DS1 and he could at least have a little one on one time before bed.

The MIL is not being an asshole.

No-one is saying that the baby should be put down and left to scream for half an hour, but equally it does not need to be strapped to the OP for the entire day.

How many hours is your DD1 doing at nursery OP? Can you juggle those so that she is home while the baby is asleep so that you can focus on her then?

You did fine. Your mil, like mine, is a prat.

I agree with yoni. The poor op has a 3 week old, hormones and a lack of sleep to contend with without being told she's pushing her eldest out. She's already said she puts the youngest down and spends one on one time with her eldest, and that her first priority if they both kick off isn't always the youngest.

We had all these great plans for ensuring Dd wasn't put out by ds and none of them came off because ds was ill and needier. As for the eldest being 'carted off to nursery' well that was one of the best things for my Dd. Ds' arrival didn't change her routine. She got some decent space away from the wailing needy little thing. People would ask about her brother as she would say 'ds cries... A lot'. Dd adores her little brother, and visa versa.

The first few weeks are hard. They will pass.

Your mil is being totally unreasonable. She should have taken dd2 from you to let you deal with dd1. No way would I let a 3 week old basically cry it out for 30 minutes.

Sorry but where in this thread did the OP's baby scream for 30 minutes?

She didn't. The OP didn't put her down so really the OP is assuming the baby would have screamed for 30 minutes. She doesn't know. She didn't do it.

Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.

I am not trying to be cruel or unsympathetic but the OP should at least try to put the baby down so that she can do the bed time routine with DD1.

It does sound a bit rubbish for DD1 to never have a moment, even at bedtime, without DD2 physically between you and her.

MIL could have cuddled the baby for 30mins and the problem was solved.

Op could have put the baby down and asked the mil to keep an ear out for the baby and pick her up if needed. The mil was also cooking a meal for the family while this was going on don't forget!

Having dd2 in a sling is a physical barrier as well as an emotional barrier for dd1. She def needs one on one time.

I'm with those who think DD1 is getting a rough deal.

Your attitude towards DD1 comes across as terrible to be honest. You resent having to deal with her demands and just want to cuddle DD2? Sorry but that's horrible.

Your DD1 is clearly feeling left out and upset and you are resenting her acting up. As for everyone saying they always had their second one strapped in a sling and first child never noticed baby there... That worked for your children. From the sounds of it OPs DD1 has already taken a dislike to DD2 so is going to notice that she's there constantly.

Your MIL may have blundered in like a bull in a china shop, but she has a point based on what you've said.

When DD2 is asleep and DD1 is home do you put DD2 down in a basket and focus on DD1 for a bit, or is she always strapped to you when DD1 is around?

I don't think that there is much point in your MIL being there if she is going to make critical comments.

If your MIL is there she should look after your baby while you give your dd1 your full attention.

Of you explain to MIL that you don't want to leave DD2 to cry but want her to hold the baby, do you think she would?

I also think you need to give DD1 more attention without the baby there - and you have help, albeit a helper that needs some managing.

Of you - should say 'can you'

I have a newborn and a 3 year old and no chance would I leave DS2 for 30 minutes to put DS1 to bed.

If the MIL was there, she should have held the baby while you had time with your older child. If MIL isn't willing to do that then she isn't any help!

You can get 1:1 time with your older child when the baby is sleeping or there is another adult to hold them.

The op has said she does put the baby down, she said she puts her in the basket/bouncy chair when she sleeps.

Your mil could have held baby whilst you did bedtime routine, I wouldn't have left baby to cry whilst I put toddler to bed. I would sometimes be feeding baby (but I tandem bfed so fed both) or put baby in bouncy chair so they could be in the room with me and I could bounce chair with my foot if necessary etc or sling.

I think people are being harsh and she has said she puts baby down and mil would not hold the baby.

Op is tired and hormonal, it can be hard esp if a toddler is playing up, they often suddenly look so big in comparison to their newborn sibling, it's easy to forget they are really still a baby themselves! So yes op needs to not resent her toddler, but if you do feel like you are at the end of your tether then stepping back for a minute and ignoring a toddler's tantrum is ok. Especially as she had had stories, cuddles etc.

Send her home, she's not really helping is she, because rather than dd1 or dd2 crying she could be soothing one if them, but oh no, she would rather have a go at you then try and smooth it over once her darling son is home... Send her packing

Is MIL staying?

Ask her to go home and do whatever you need to cope without anyone judging you. She is being totally unhelpful. I've been there; it's hard-but it will be easier without someone getting in the way and flouncing about!

I could never put my teeny babies down either-did loads with a (stupid uncomfortable Tomy) sling. My lot are 4-12 now and not scarred as a result!

Tbh my mum would have jumped at the chance to cuddle the newborn for any amount of time so I could deal with dd1. This is about you and your little family now-not her x

I think your mil is way out of line. She is judgemental and not supportive at all. She doesn't seem to realise that she is not the mother here so shouldn't advice you but she will soon enough if you stand firm.

I personally would not put the baby down to cry, no flipping way. The baby needs you 24/7 at the moment. However, try and be as empathising and easy with dd1 as you possibly can. She is allowed to kick up a fuss and be jealous. It is difficult but will get better soon enough. However your mil needs to understand that advice such as "put her down to cry for half an hour" is ridiculously out of date and not appropriate.

Wow, another who thinks you're getting a hard time here op!

I'm in the same boat - 2 yo (just) and 6 week old. Of course you can't leave the baby to scream - he/she is 3 weeks old and is used to your snuggly womb! I can't believe anyone would suggest you should!

At times my baby has cried for a few mins while I've had to deal with DS but never for the whole of bedtime, that's just insane. You wouldn't have done it with the first baby so why the second? At least the toddler has some understanding and should be able to wait for things if only for a little while.

It's really really hard. Hugs.

Your MIL created this situation by refusing to hold the baby - why on earth is this ok???

Yes, tbh you do sound like you're having trouble giving love and attention to the older one, but I suspect some of that is venting on here, and some is being just three weeks after giving birth.

You ll get there, but you need people to help - allowing you to spend time with each without being judged or being forced to choose between one or the other crying.

I'm struggling with the "even at bedtime" posts - "poor DD1 doesn't get you to herself even at bedtime". I had a larger gap (so my older toddler DD was easier to manager) but she rarely got me to to herself at bedtime because DD2 was fussy and needy from about 6pm til 8.30pm. She DID get me to herself whenever DD2 napped during the day. At bedtime, though, we had little conspiratorial conversations about how very noisy newborns could be if you accidentally put them down anywhere, and we agreed that we probably shouldn't. Neither child was harmed and they make a lovely pair two years on. Sometimes DD2 had to cry (while DD1 got some help getting dry, for example) but DD1 and I worked together to make it as short a time as possible, because both of us hated the noise.

The OP is three weeks in. MIL should have held the baby. OP WILL be fine (although her relationship with MIL may suffer...) and her DDs will be fine. I can't believe that the MIL wouldn't hold the baby when her DIL was three weeks post partum. Ridiculous.

It sounds really hard. Of course you are right to keep DD2 in a sling. Apart from the impact on a small baby of being left to cry for 30 minutes, imagine the impact on your nerves! And how is DD1 going to settle herself for sleep if the baby is crying?

New babies are very demanding. My best suggestion (and I only have one child so never had this problem) is to make sure your DH spends lots of time with DD1 at the weekend, takes her out to the park, soft play etc and generally makes a fuss of her to let her know she's still loved.