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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To treat my children like this and ignore MIL

136 replies

spritesoright · 12/03/2014 02:47

DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 weeks old. DH went back to work last week so we asked MIL if she could come and help out, mostly so I can try and catch up on sleep. She has been here today while DD1 was at nursery and half of yesterday when she wasn't.
Up to last night it was going really well. Then DD1 asked if I would put her to bed and kicked off when I was trying to get her nappy on for bed.
She has been generally enthusiastic about her new sister but also challenging for DH and I and has smacked DD2 a couple of times.
I had DD2 in the sling and could feel myself getting angry with DD1 so I went and sat in the corridor while DD1 screamed and demanded her Daddy.
MIL exclaims "Oh my God!" Steps over my legs and goes to comfort DD1. I was in tears so grateful for the help.
I finished putting DD1 to bed and after she demanded a 5th story, water, a lullaby, Daddy I finally told her no and left the room to her whinging.
Got downstairs and MIL tells me she is leaving because of the way DD1 "is being treated." I already feel guilty about DD1 having to cope with new baby and told MIL I am doing my best on very little sleep. She told me "not to be a martyr"since tonnes of women have raised more than one child. Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.
I am already struggling and the last thing I need is criticism of my parenting and pointing out DD1's behaviour.
DH came home and backed me up and she tried to patch it up by saying she did think I was a good mother and she will stay tomorrow. Honestly I just want her to go home as I will feel judged all tomorrow but for the sake of our relationship I will muddle through I guess.
But AIBU to think DD1 will just have to get used to DD2's need for me now and her behaviour will improve. I do try hard to incorporate DD1 into helping and to pay her lots of attention but I'm not prepared to put DD2 to cry in the Moses basket while I do this.

OP posts:

Babieseverywhere · 12/03/2014 09:32

When your baby is sleeping out of a sling at any point
It might be nice to sling your big girl and carry her around for a bit. I did this with my older children. and still sling three yo DD2 and our youngest DD3. Your oldest might like to be babied a bit too and nothing is wrong with that atm.

It is early days still and things will get better. You are doing a great job, keep on going.

PS. Thanks your mil and send her home, you don't need negative people around you atm.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 12/03/2014 09:32

Your MIL sounds like a real PITA. You just cannot leave a 3 week old baby screaming for 30 minutes while seeing to an older child. For a start, how is the older child going to relax and enjoy the time together with a screaming newborn in the background??

Ds1 was 19 months old when ds2 arrived, and as a single mother there were times when I had no choice but to put ds2 down for a short while and see to ds1. But we're not talking 30 minutes, and not when there was any other option (i.e. a grandmother around to help out, or the possibility of plonking the baby in a sling). Sometimes needs must, but that's not what happened with you last night.

Stick to your guns; keep your patience with MIL and especially with your dd1.

diddl · 12/03/2014 09:33

OP-why do you have your baby in a sling all day?

If it's detrimental to your toddler then tbh I think that your MIL has a point, especially if you didn't even try to put baby down.

Katnisscupcake · 12/03/2014 09:35

I only have one DC so again can't comment on what you're going through, but one of your comments has made me sad for your DD1.

In all honesty I wish I could just cuddle DD2 all day and not have to deal with DD1's demands but I am trying very hard to ignore that and reassure DD1.

Your MIL by the way, is totally out of line, not so much in what she says, but the way she's saying it.

NannyK7H · 12/03/2014 09:37

Whether we, or your MIL, agree or disagree with how you are juggling two small children, your MIL should never have spoken to you like that. Your the mum, you will do what suits you best and what you feel is right at the time. You don't need to feel bad for any decisions you make. Parenthood is full of guilt trips!

Babieseverywhere · 12/03/2014 09:38

It is so easy to have a baby in a sling all day. They are quiet and alert when awake and snuggle in to sleep, pop them down for a quick change and feed (I couldn't nurse in a sling easily) and back in a sling. Bliss.

I often wonder why people choose to put their children in bouncy chairs and cots all day. Seemed much harder work than just to carry them. But I reckon we all need to do what works for us.

Cranky01 · 12/03/2014 09:38

I've a two year gap between mine, and it's tough. All you can do is try your best, we all make mistakes ( I'm not saying you did) I would have done what you did.

Your mil is there to help, which includes in my opinion holding the baby if you've asked and obviously need help.

So I think she could have offered more support, try not to think too much and do what you can

TheScience · 12/03/2014 09:40

I'm not sure why you wouldn't have a newborn in a sling all day either

Retropear · 12/03/2014 09:42

Is it really necessary for said baby to be in a sling all day?

I had twins and they certainly didn't need to be held all day alongside being well capable at 3 weeks of waiting the odd period.Babies don't melt,they're quite hardy.

I had dd when they were 15 months and tbf they needed me just as much(if not more)so I split my time x3.

You are the mother of 2 not one,your dd1 deserves you equally.I hate this MN thing where babies take priority above all other siblings,you don't see it in RL.

Retropear · 12/03/2014 09:43

I think your dd1 deserves mummy time without a baby attached to her chest.It isn't true 1to1 and she knows that.

pianodoodle · 12/03/2014 09:44

I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and 8 week old son and the last thing you'd want at 3 weeks in is someone "helping" in that manner!

I actually found things settled down after a couple of weeks and we're easier when DH went back to work, visitors weren't as frequent and I could just get on with everything on my own!

If it helps, I do a silly voice for the baby talking and DD holds whole conversations with him that way :D

When I'm nursing we have lots of books out and we chat plenty. When he's asleep he's in his basket and if awake he's in the bouncer a lot so we just slide him round the house to watch whatever we're doing.

There have been a few of those stressy days where he doesn't want to be put down so we have to be inventive there - he gets very farty and seems to have to be upright for a while so they have a "dance" together.

Generally we do a lot of mocking the baby's funny faces and talking about how stinky his bum is (poor lad!)

I spend a lot less time just gazing at the baby sleeping than I did with DD but he doesn't know any different.

diddl · 12/03/2014 09:44

"I'm not sure why you wouldn't have a newborn in a sling all day either"

Surely like all things, it's fine if it works.

Is it working in this case?

pianodoodle · 12/03/2014 09:45

I've also found it helps if DD is involved - like picking what suit he's going to wear today etc...

Also sometimes the baby suggests getting DD a biscuit so she sees him as being on her side :)

formerbabe · 12/03/2014 09:46

Sorry but I find the whole situation bizarre. There's 2 adults and 2 children. Both children want/need attention. I don't get why it is an issue...

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 12/03/2014 09:48

Why wouldn't you have a newborn in a sling? Much easier to run around after a toddler with baby in a sling, then have to take pram everywhere and pick baby up/put baby down all the time. What is weird is a grandma not wanting to cuddle her three week old grand daughter at any opportunity. I had to wrestle DS out of his grandparent's arms when he was that age!

OP, if you're feeling brave, could you try tandem wearing every now and again? Might cheer DD1 up when she's feeling upset by DD2's presence. I think you're doing great.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 12/03/2014 09:50

Send her home, she's not really helping is she, because rather than dd1 or dd2 crying she could be soothing one if them, but oh no, she would rather have a go at you then try and smooth it over once her darling son is home... Send her packing

This.

HighwayRat · 12/03/2014 09:57

From what I can gather op didnt even try to put the baby down, so this screaming for 30 minutes is slightly hysterical. I dont see why the baby cant be put down to be soothed by mil if she crys and your dd1 have some much needed 1 on 1 time

BeaWheesht · 12/03/2014 09:57

Hmm I have a bit of a bigger age gap but still had a toddler and newborn, dh worked 12 hour shifts and we don't have family nearby so I did sometimes have to leave dd (the youngest) to cry sometimes - never for more than a few minutes though and to e perfectly honest I gave her a dummy even though I despise them and ds never had one.

I felt ages feeling guilty - guilty that dd wasn't getting the 1:1 babyhood ds did, guilty that ds was having to deal with a total change to his life. That's what makes it so hard to decide what to do.

You do have to really go over the top with the love for dd1 though, really make her see that even though baby is here she's still your baby too.

OpalQuartz · 12/03/2014 09:57

You have my sympathy OP. I found this stage with a similar age gap really hard. I had all these plans to put the baby down and give one to one attention to dd1, but whereas dd1 had been fine being put down at that age dd2 was one of those babies who screams blue murder when put down. Really really hard. It sounds like it is time for MIL to go now. If she does stay then I'd use her to look after dd2 so you can have one to one time with dd1. Surely if the baby cries she will pick her up?

cithkadston · 12/03/2014 09:59

I too would tell her to go home if that's the way she feels. It sounds as though her 'help' comes with strings and conditions, what with her 'wanting the baby to be put down' and with her judging how you dealt with your DD1. My mothers is the same, so I sympathise, OP.

OpalQuartz · 12/03/2014 10:00

Could you take dd1 out for some mum and big girl time while the baby is fed expressed or formula (whichever you are doing) from a bottle by dad or MIL?

littlemslazybones · 12/03/2014 10:02

I agree, nothing better than a sling when you are wrangling a toddler at the same time.

Op, hang on in there, it gets easier. Your dad will adapt quicker in a calm environment, only you will know if, on balance, that means declining MIL's invitation to help.

Ludways · 12/03/2014 10:03

I couldn't possibly think of anything worse than having my mil there when I had a baby. I really like her but that'd be tough. You need to work out your own routine with just you and your dc's. Dc1 does need some time with you but dc2 can be there, just strap her on then ignore her and read stories etc. tell her how lucky dc2 is to have her as her big sister, praise dc1 to the hilt. It worked for me, lol

littlemslazybones · 12/03/2014 10:03

Not dad dd, autocorrect fail. Although, who knows, it might help your Dad too.

BeaWheesht · 12/03/2014 10:04

I might have missed this so sorry if so....

Was dd2 screaming when dd1 was kicking off? If so then I can see why she kicked off - can you? If she wasn't why couldn't you put her down?

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