To treat my children like this and ignore MIL

[spritesoright]

DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 3 weeks old. DH went back to work last week so we asked MIL if she could come and help out, mostly so I can try and catch up on sleep. She has been here today while DD1 was at nursery and half of yesterday when she wasn't.
Up to last night it was going really well. Then DD1 asked if I would put her to bed and kicked off when I was trying to get her nappy on for bed.
She has been generally enthusiastic about her new sister but also challenging for DH and I and has smacked DD2 a couple of times.
I had DD2 in the sling and could feel myself getting angry with DD1 so I went and sat in the corridor while DD1 screamed and demanded her Daddy.
MIL exclaims "Oh my God!" Steps over my legs and goes to comfort DD1. I was in tears so grateful for the help.
I finished putting DD1 to bed and after she demanded a 5th story, water, a lullaby, Daddy I finally told her no and left the room to her whinging.
Got downstairs and MIL tells me she is leaving because of the way DD1 "is being treated." I already feel guilty about DD1 having to cope with new baby and told MIL I am doing my best on very little sleep. She told me "not to be a martyr"since tonnes of women have raised more than one child. Apparently I should put DD2 down to scream for 30 minutes while I do bedtime and I shouldn't have DD2 in the sling all day as it makes DD1 jealous of my attention.
I am already struggling and the last thing I need is criticism of my parenting and pointing out DD1's behaviour.
DH came home and backed me up and she tried to patch it up by saying she did think I was a good mother and she will stay tomorrow. Honestly I just want her to go home as I will feel judged all tomorrow but for the sake of our relationship I will muddle through I guess.
But AIBU to think DD1 will just have to get used to DD2's need for me now and her behaviour will improve. I do try hard to incorporate DD1 into helping and to pay her lots of attention but I'm not prepared to put DD2 to cry in the Moses basket while I do this.

It can be very hard at first learning how to balance the needs and demands of a toddler and a newborn, in terms of trying to make sure that the newborn gets the attention it needs without the toddler feeling pushed out.

I found it to be a massive adjustment for both me and DS1. Making time to focus completely on DS1 (while DS2 was asleep, for instance) helped a lot for us. And DS2 has had to wait for attention sometimes when I've been bathing DS1 and getting him to bed. And frankly, having a baby start crying in the middle of DS1's bathtime - and continue crying until picked up - made it very hard for me to focus properly on DS1's bedtime routine. It does get easier as the baby gets older.

But, in the situation OP describes - why on earth wouldn't the MIL hold the baby? What's the point in her being there to "help" if she's not willing to hold the baby so that the OP can give her older child one to one attention at bedtime? Yes, the MIL has a fair point (albeit poorly worded) about the older child being jealous of the baby getting the attention. But, in this particular scenario, the reason the toddler didn't get one on one attention was because the MIL has refused to hold the baby!

I'd know be very annoyed if my mum came to stay for a few days to help, refused to hold the baby when asked, and then told me off for not giving DS1 my undivided attention.

OP, you're doing fine & your MiL is an idiot. The whole situation could have been avoided if she could be trusted to cuddle DD2 for half an hour!

My DD2 is 4 months now and no way could I have calmly read stories while she screamed! At 3 weeks more than a few seconds crying would send my stress levels soaring. However bedtimes are particularly hard, partly because everyone is tired. My strategy with 2 is that they take 'turns', so baby is put on the bed next to us & told (for DD1's benefit) that she has to wait for a minute while I do DD1's nappy. She might fuss but it's only a short time & I'm next to her so it's not like she's been abandoned in another room. Then read stories while BF, then baby is put down again for a short time while teeth are cleaned.

Sometimes it will all go wrong, but in general it will get easier! The other thing to remember is that bedtime will take longer, so starting a bit earlier will help. Some days I got DD1 in her pj & nappy while she was watching CBbees - never a tantrum then, in fact she barely registered what was happening!

Final thing, occasionally acknowledging to DD1 that 'oh no, the baby's crying AGAIN, that's a bit annoying!' may be helpful. It must be hard for a toddler that everyone expects her to be enthusiastic about the baby all the time.

DD1 sounds like a sad little girl.... she has had her world turned upside down and you resent her ....

the MIL stuff is purely a trigger that got things out in the open....

DD1 needs time ALONE with you - without the baby.... YOU need time alone with her - or you will start to like her less because her behaviour will get worse...

I speak as a mother of 2 girls with an 18 month gap... you need to do what works for you ALL .... what you are currently doing is not working for HER ... try to work out what YOU can do to make it right...

Ask your MIL to go home
You will cope :)

Someone once said to me that for a toddler having a new-born sibling was like a husband taking a second wife.

There is absolutely no reason why she should feel grateful for being given a sister to love, as a pp suggested.

Yes, it's lovely when you only have one to be with that baby 24/7. Tho' I'm sure your mil's generation would point out that it's even lovelier to be able to put the baby down to sleep when you need to get on with something else.

But now you have two, you can't give the baby the same level of attention your first new born had. (It won't know any different.) And your toddler will need some extra tlc to help her adjust to the new situation.

I agree with Artex and others -it really helps if you can form a little team and include DC1.

My DS1 was my little buddy and we would sometimes exchange exasperated glances when DS2 started grizzling after being content for at least 5mins!

DS1 liked being helpful ('He's lost his sock mummy, I'll sort it!'). DS1 is really encouraging of DS2 and DS2 simply adores his big brother.

I found it a lot easier once we were all in a routine. At about 8 weeks we all knew what we were doing. Would I leave DS2 to cry? Sometimes for a few minutes but not 30.

MIL was out of order in how she spoke to you but she saw her GD distressed and may have picked up on your resentment. She could have avoided it by offering to hold DD2 while you had time with your big girl.
DH, DM & DMIL all helped me to still have 1-2-1 time with my eldest. I missed him and needed him too.

I'm a short arse who has giant babies I couldn't really use my arms properly when either child was in a sling. They are also both wrigglers who loved being able to wave their arms and legs about.

Is that ok with everyone?

OP moving from 1 to 2 is hard work but you'll find your way just be open to trying different ways and you'll soon find the tricks and routines that work to keep everyone happy.

Yes, a bit like above.

Me and ds1 had the grumpy baby song which we would sing while marching around the house together ' grand old duke of York' style with ds2 in the sling.

It was a way to cut through the stress with humour and be a team. It worked for us anyway.

Toddlers don't have tantrums. They get their emotions out the only way they know how.

She is telling you something that she can't put into words. And I believe that her hitting her sister is a result of of what she is trying to tell you.

Up until 3 weeks ago, is it fair to say that your dd had you all to herself? Now she can't even get a cuddle without her sister being in the middle. Think of it form her POV.

How would you feel if your dh bought a new woman home & only paid attention to you while cuddling her? ... OK, so that is a crap comparison, but your daughter feels replaced. It's that simple.

She is lovely and engaging most of the time but when she kicks off or hits it is very hard not to resent her

My 5 yr old is challenging sometimes. But my god, it is horrible to think that I could ever resent her.

She has done nothing wrong & neither has your daughter.

The Op had a baby 3 weeks ago, so she said 'resent' no doubt if she were able to crow bar an extra hours sleep she would have rephrased it.

I think it's really unkind to attempt to demonstrate your superior parenting by knocking down a struggling new mum a peg or two.

I think your MIL totally overstepped the mark.

1. She refused to help you out by holding the baby while you put DD1 to bed.

1. When she disagreed with your parenting choices, instead of dealing with it calmly and sensitively she proceeded to make a scene in front of your DH- hoping, I imagine, that he would back her up.

She is not being supportive to YOU at all. And that's why she is supposed to be there- to help you out.

FWIW I had similar problems when MIL came to stay to 'help' after DD2 was born. I was told I was spoiling her (the whole story is long and boring). I explained, calmly and politely (I thought), my reasons for what I was doing. She sulked until DH came home from work then started packing her bag, declaring she was leaving as she'd never been spoken to like that! We eventually smoothed things over but tbh it damaged my relationship with her for a long time.

OP, I've never posted on MN before but had to respond. You have my every sympathy - it's really tough. When my DS2 was born I felt utterly resentful of DS1 as he just felt like hard work while I was adjusting to having a new baby again. I felt terribly, terribly guilty and upset about feeling like that but it was how I felt. Several months down the line, it's all settled down and I adore both of them again, so hang on in there - you'll feel normal about your DD1 again soon.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things so just carry on making sure you're giving DD1 as much one to one time while the baby is asleep as you can, and it will all settle down. However well you handle things, it's going to be a period of adjustment for everyone, and DD1's tantrums aren't necessarily an indication you're not doing the right things.

FWIW I don't see the issue with baby in sling - DD1 still has your attention, and I'd have done the same thing. MIL is massively unhelpful.

Shadowoftheday has it spot on in my opinion. I feel terribly sad for your dd1.

I think it's really unkind to attempt to demonstrate your superior parenting by knocking down a struggling new mum a peg or two.

If that is to me, then you are way off point.

It isn't demonstrating superior anything to say that I think resenting a child who has done nothing wrong is something I cannot imagine.

Your MIL was a tit for refusing to hold a three week old.

She may well have a point about how to do bedtime and balancing out the attention paid to each child (which let's face it, three weeks in you are still learning how to do), but I think it would have been a lot better to have helped in the way you wanted to be helped and then discussed it with you gently later.

Anyone who helps does, I suppose, get to put their two penn'orth in, but your MIL can only advise not dictate, and ultimatums and threats to leave are unhelpful.

I do understand that guilty anger with the older child, when you just need them to behave while you struggle on, but it is no more rational or fair than DD1's angry/jealous reaction to her sister. Whenever you get like that, try and remind yourself that this is essentially how DD1 is feeling too.

DD1's bedtime is a good time to practise putting DD2 down for short periods so DD1 gets you all to herself and DD2 gets used to being in her basket.

OP you are getting a really hard time here and it's totally unnecessary.

I only have one DD (similar age to your DD1) but I think you're doing great. You found DD1s tantrum (toddlers DO tantrum) hard so you detached yourself from the situation to try and calm down, completely the right thing to do. MIL refuses to hold 3 week old DD2 when you were putting DD1 to bed, that proves she is being a cow. Whether she agrees with it or not this is the way you want to parent your children so she should shut up and try to help you the way you want to parent.

Nothing wrong with slinging your DD2 either, I didn't sling DD1 but if I have another DC I will sling them.

I think you should ask for this thread to be moved. All the naysayers on this thread don't seem to appreciate the OP is 3 weeks postpartum. She is sleep deprived, she admits to feeling bad and struggling and yet you're all guilting her about how neglectful she is being towards her DD1?

Yeah DD1 is probably struggling to deal with her new sister but there are nicer ways to put your suggestions across instead of sanctimoniously saying how you all feel so sorry for DD1.

I think MIL is also a dick because she was throwing a strop and threatening to leave because 'the way DD1 is being treated'. If she was any decent grandmother and she really was worried about DD1 she wouldn't abandon her to her evil mum she would stay and try to help. Nor would she be all disapproving and critical when her DIL was trying to explain how she is struggling.

I think it's unkind to focus in on the word resent and suggest that you are the kind of parent who does not have the capacity to resent their child.

Firstly, how is that helpful?

Secondly, how likely is it that she resents her child and is not just exasperated by a challenging situation?

The OP says she feels guilty about this situation, so it's not like she is sat home gleefully feeling bad towards her eldest daughter. So I'm not sure why you think it beneficial to point it out unless to simply suggest that you couldn't feel like this.

Making a new mum feel even more shit than she does already when it serves no purpose ( or to highlight your seriority) is a shit thing to do.

Superiority.

I don't think anyone intended to make the op feel like shit, but she did ask if she wbu and some of us think that yes she was.

Yes but there are ways of saying YABU without being horrible about it.

I've read the thread.

I feel sorry for MIL. She's clearly giving up her time trying to help, please remember that.
My DCs are grown now and from what I read things are very, very different in child rearing now. It's hard to break your habits and it's also hard not to think that because you did it and coped a certain way, that other people should find it the same.
To give it some perspective my DH had no parental leave at all and when DD2 was 10 days old his company sent him abroad, with the two weeks planned turning into a month. I had a little one, a newborn, pets and dodgy builders from hell all to cope with at the same time.
I coped because I had to, there was no outside help.
Sometimes that actually works because there's absolutely no conflict of interest and you just have to find a way that works as best you can.
It's a shame that MIL's presence isn't taking all the stress out of the situation, in a perfect world she would just do exactly what you ask and do it without comment - but we're not all perfect and it sounds as though she's trying by taking DD to nursery and getting your meals started.

I feel sorry for your DD OP, who has always been your focus and now sees a new intruder taking her place. She's only tiny herself, please don't feel resentful towards her, she isn't behaving this way to challenge you or make your life difficult. It's very early days in a huge period of readjustment for her.

I feel sympathy with the new baby who's trying to find its place in the family and way in the world.
And I do feel sorry for you OP, you sound very stressed and challenged - everyone sounds stressed, which won't be helping.

I think you either need to go it alone and do as you do without criticism, or you need to have a bit of a heart to heart with MIL and explain that this is how you want to do things and could she do X, Y or Z to help you out.
Maybe you could start getting DD ready for bed earlier and let her have story time snuggled up to you while you feed your baby? Change her routine to suit the new household but still let her feel she has your time and isn't being relegated to second place.

Most of all, remember we all have shitty days and we all do have feelings we're not proud of in the heat of a moment, let it go now and just concentrate on doing the best you can at the time and enjoying your girls.

Why is the baby always in a sling? I don't get that. Can it not sit in a bouncy chair in the bedroom with you both as she gets a story? I'm with not leaving her alone in a random room for 30 mins. But don't see why you have to be holding her either.

Bouncy chairs can be really useful and portable room to room.