to think the mental impact of divorce on children is severely underestimated?

[InsanityandBeyond]

Contentious topic .

DC often get an absolutely shit deal when marriages break up and often have to accept their separated parents embarking on new relationships and having to be part of a 'blended' family with DCs from the stepmother/father added into the mix.

Some step/parents that complain about finding these DC hard work and their behaviour difficult to deal with. Not exactly rocket science that DC will be disturbed by having to share living space, and time with their parents, with people they are not related to and not having the security of living with, and focused attention of, both parents which is their birthright.

A lot of marriages break up way too easily these days as the parents want to be 'happy' or have 'fallen out of love', 'want a newer model' etc, etc with the DC dragged along for the ride with no choice in the matter.

In terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view .

Is it really impossible for adults to put their 'happiness' and new relationships, which would have an impact on their DC, on hold until their children are grown up?

The damage is often played out when they become adults as children will accept almost anything from their parents as a survival mechanism until they are old enough to question it. It is thought that DC are resilient and will get over it but I think that is a fallacy self absorbed parents tell themselves to make themselves feel better.

My 17 year old DD is the only person on her college course whose parents are still together. I find that shocking and really sad.

AIBU in thinking that this is a ticking time bomb in an explosion of mental health issues in the next generation and the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

Oh fuck off op you have no bloody idea!
I come from a "broken" home except my parents split when I was 20. They were together unhappily for 28 years and it destroyed my mother. I wish she had not taken my dad back when she kicked him out whilst pregnant with me. I wish she had met someone who actually cared about her and loved her to death so she wouldn't be old and lonely now unable to meet anyone because she is looking after my mentally ill brother!
I left my husband because I didn't want to make the same mistake as my mum and my kids, yes my kids are much happier now I am with my new husband because we are a happy and stable unit. My husband's kids visit when my kids see their dad and my kids don't have to share me because they get me all the time and my husband gets my time when they are in bed which he is totally happy with. Every situation is different and every family is different. My parents stayed together for the sake of us kids and we've all suffered from depression and unfortunately my brother has suffered the most. They didn't argue in front of us or abuse each other. To everyone they were a happy, normal couple so surely us kids should be perfectly normal? Yeah well we are not and so your theory is utter bollocks op.

There are many, many factors that contribute towards a person's (adult or child - After all one is just a grown up version of the other, & IME often only in body not in spirit) happiness, self confidence and sense of security, & to believe that it is mostly simply a result Of the biological parents living together is a fairly narrow minded view, IMO.... As long as the needs of the child are addressed and met and every effort is made to improve the child's situation surely it doesn't matter by whom? What about those brought up by single parents due to bereavement? Or bought up by grandparents? Or in an extended family environment but missing that 'crucial' mum/dad?? It's not whether mum & dad are together that makes a happy and sound person but whether the environment they are brought up in its loving and supportive. Fact. And anyway, it is often cited that in order to make others happy you must first find happiness yourself..... There's a definite truth in that!

What was the motivation behind starting this 'contentious' thread?
Because it's a thread that's upset a lot of posters.

You have children OP.

i wonder, if in a few years, one of them comes to you and confides in you how unhappy they have been, day to day, week on week, year on year, because of their relationship, you will tell them to suck it up?

Your daughter finds she has grown apart from her husband. They no longer have a physical relationship. They bicker and argue. He's out of the house at every opportunity. She's stuck at home with a young child. They've tried to work at it. It's not reconcillable. The love has died. But you'd be advising her to stick it out and be miserable for another 15 years? because that's the adult thing to do hmmmm

Your son has been sleeping on his sofa for 18 months. For what ever reason he and his wife argue constantly when alone together. They avoid each other. They have a child. He doesn't want a physical relationship with his wife any more. He has tried and tried to please her. She says she hates him. They've worked at it but both would be happier apart. The love has died. But you'd be advising him to stick it out and be miserable for another 15 years? hmmmm

DrankSangria and twofingers Very childish comebacks. Makes me wonder if you are actually adults who can participate in an adult discussion.

I was not actually advising sticking it out in extreme cases. Although as parents we do have a responsibility to put our DC first. I find it odd that lots of people on this website for supposedly 'intelligent' women find this hard to grasp.

My biggest issue is the fallout from children being forced into 'blended' families which most posters have not mentioned.

I think that dealing with the divorce of my own parents, the death of a child, bankruptcy, homelessness, and my own mental health issues, that I can see very well what goes on in the 'real' world but thanks anyway. Maybe that is why I am a bit of a 'deep thinker' about issues like this.

OK this makes more sense now.

As someone who has MH issues and a difficult childhood, it makes sense that by blaming divorce (which you can control) instead of other factors (which you can't control) for unhappiness and mental health issues, in your own mind you safely put those dangers outside the realms of possibility.

Divorce becomes the scapegoat, and as someone who believes she will not ever be divorced you believe you are now able to provide your child with a safe childhood that you didn't have.

Obviously a very limited way of viewing the world, but given your background it's understandable.

My parents waited until I was 20 to finally separate. For years before we had to endure fights and violence before the blessed relief when my mother left. My 'A' level exams and my brother's 'O' levels were right in the middle of the worst fighting and both results were affected.

YABU.

Well I can tell you that I used to fantasise about a different family set-up (i.e. a blended family), and I hope you won't just turn round and tell me I'm wrong because I didn't experience it.
And I can also tell you that my stepchildrens' lives have been a lot better with me in them than they would otherwise have been, not least because there was a level of financial support and opportunities coming from that than would otherwise have been possible. I'm sure they can come up with loads of examples of where I got it wrong, and the relationship isn't always easy, but I did do my best.

My parents have been married for over 40 years and for the majority of that time they have been very miserable. They stayed together 'for the kids' and my DM considers that she has wasted a significant part of her life. Knowing this makes me so sad. Both I and my DSis are now having to cope with two elderly parents who can't stand each other but due to leaving it too late, are pretty much condemned to continue living together. I wish with all my heart that they had split up when I was a child.

Although as parents we do have a responsibility to put our DC first.

Yes. But can you not see that is hugely, hugely, hugely at odds with your OP: in terms of abusive relationships, it could be argued that you should know your partner and their background well before bringing children into the equation which seems to be a very controversial view.

Suddenly, it's less about "put[ting] our DC first" and more of a you-married him-it-your-duty-to-live-with-it-and-fuck-any-consequences-that-has-on-the-children viewpoint. Children's emotional health doesn't lose importance even if a woman could actually have realised that her fiancé was an abusive berk.

I'm not just taking part of a paragraph out of context. I've read through the entire thread, and that viewpoint is a consistent thread. You, perhaps, are not even aware you think that way.

I was not actually advising sticking it out in extreme cases.

My biggest issue is the fallout from children being forced into 'blended' families which most posters have not mentioned.

Don't see why you think anyone would be interested in your advice with regards to this and/or why you have an issue with blended families.

If it's an issue stemming from your own past them come out and say it. Otherwise maybe you should just mind your own business.

Almost all parents make decisions for their family that they think are the best. Do they sometimes get it wrong? Sure, but who doesn't get it wrong now and again? People certainly don't need someone with no actual experience of getting divorced, dealing with single parenthood hoisting their judgy pants and making quite frankly a piss poor argument on what is right for children.

Many children benefit from and love being part of a "blended family". What do you want separated parents to do? Spend the rest of their life alone?

I am a single parent, my ex has nothing to do with my DD. If I meet someone who I think is good for me and good to my DD then nothing will stop me from giving it a shot.

Have you ever considered that it might do children good to see their parents separate but continue on to have loving relationships or that if they are unhappy in a relationship, that they have a choice. To see that they do not have to feel trapped, that the end of a relationship doesn't mean the end of the world.

Maybe my child will grow up secure in the knowledge that she can make herself happy and she isn't obliged to stick it out in a loveless marriage hoping that maybe one day the love might come back. Possibly children from said loveless marriages (or periods of time in a loveless marriage before falling back in love again) pick up on more than what you might like to think and they will grow up with a warped view of how they should be/act in relationships.

I suspect that in most cases it isn't the divorce that causes the problems as long as it is well-handled. It's the new relationships. I don't know a single step-family where there aren't issues of one kind or another, at least in the first few years. Even when thnings settle down there are still occasional issues. One partnership broke up acrimoniously after about 4 years almost entirely because the DD's mother and father didn't manage the transfer to their new relationships carefully enough and DD resented everyone.

In a situation where a child has lost the family they thought they would always have and are then expected to happily blend in with a set of new adults and children there are always going to be a few problems.

But ormirian there are issues in every family. Blended or not.

And I bloody hate the phrase blended family too irrational hatred for one phrase

Of course. But when a child can end an argument with the phrase 'you're not my mother' it can have an added bitterness.

Exactly. I can't think of a single family I know where there aren't issues of some sort. There are cases where losing the original family set-up and moving into a new blended family is hugely positive for a child.

OP Are you actually reading the responses. You seem to be picking out very small parts.

In my experience I wish my parent divorced at least a decade before they did. It's horrible being bought up in a household where you mum is VERY unhappy, but thinking it's better to stay married then divorce.

My dad spent at least 20yrs having affairs, running up debt which mum worked to pay off time and again.

She didn't put her foot down and not put with my dad behaviour until my sister was 18yrs, after 25yrs of marriage.

Funnily enough she was/is much happy in herself and having control over her wages/pension. My dad on the other hand married the OW and had another 15yrs of being unhappy in a relationship until he died.

I do think that you are incredible narrow minded and I hope your children have much more open minded to how other people live.

'I hate you and I wish you weren't my mother' isn't great either.

I tell you I said a lot worse than that to my mother when I was a teenager, I was a little shit of a teenager by the way.

Do you think it's better for a child after a divorce to never see either parent in a happy relationship for the remainder of their life. I think that would be pretty shit for both children and parents to not have the opportunity to move forward with their lives. To be happy and to be loved by others as well as their immediate family. I'm not saying it's the be all and end all but if the opportunity arises I think it's great.

Ouch! No it isn't

I guess I find it a painful subject having seen my best friend's marriage almost end because she simply could not build a good relationship with some of her H's kids. They were all so unhappy for a while. Tis OK now but even she says she thinks they got together too quickly and with a bit too much starry-eyed enthusiasm.

A step-mothers perspective:

Should DSD's mum and dad stayed together. Erm no they really aren't and never were suited. They divorced which was fine.

What went wrong for DSD was after divorce her mother being unable to put her daughter first, the bitterness and hate came before her daughters wellbeing.

IME it's not the divorce per se that damages children but parents inability to put their hurt to one side and truly do what is best for the children after divorce.

DameFanny said: Better to be from a broken home than still living in one.

Exactly!

People who wish their parents had split up but didn't until they were adults, well you don't actually know that this would have been better or how you would coped as a child, do you?

OP I can assure you that nothing could have been as bad as the consequences of my parents staying together for the sake of the children.

the implications of divorce/separation on children's mental health should be much more ingrained in the morality of society?

Do you want to ban divorce?

Op
There are some things that you can think but not say .
Some of your points may have validity , others mark you as being rose tinted.
Sadly divorce is here to stay , we should be able to discuss it openly but can't as it touches too many raw nerves . Most divorced parents feel bad enough you see , comments like yours only make it worse.

In some sense I agree with the OP. But we have to separate out those marriages/relationships which are impacted by EA/DV. That is a completely different situation and not one that ANYONE should have to live with.

I've just posted on another thread (thus totally hijacking it) that my DH is neither my soul-mate nor my best friend. I love him, I'm not in love with him. He is a brilliant husband and father but we are more friends than partners. I would rather see my friends in the evening than sit in with him. We have very little to say to each other most of the time, once DD has gone to bed.

However, we are both completely dedicated and equal parents to DD. We both adore her and there is no way, knowing that, I could suggest a split of our marriage which would not only have horrendous repercussions for DD, but also for DH who would be heart-broken at not living with DD. I just would never do that to him and he wouldn't do it to me.

I guess you could say that we are united in our situation and neither of us are unhappy enough about it to want to split or to seek out relationships with others. I think some people seek the hearts and flowers and give up too quickly when that fades without understanding that real life just isn't like that. Who knows, maybe DH and I are in love, it's just not what you see on the films?