8 year old called my 3 year old a 'retard'. AIBU to not let the little shit ever darken my door again?

[StressHeadSally]

DH's nephew. He is an absolute little shit. Treats his mother like a servant 'Give me a drink NOW'. Is a complete bully, in trouble at school and 'little shit' is NOT uncalled for. His parents do not discipline him and just sit on their arses while he does what he wants.

We see them every few months. They come for dinner today. I know what he's like as he bullies my other DS's (who are older than him but too polite to namecall or push back) and dread it.

DS3 loves visitors and follows him around. DS2 tells me that nephew called DS3 a retard, an idiot, stupid and that he hates him (this is after DS3 told him that he loves him ). He also tripped him over. He did not tell me this until after they had gone but said he had told him off. DS3 came crying to me a few times but I thought it was because he was upset that he was not getting a turn playing the game they were on.

DH is too much of a wuss to tell his brother to keep his kid in control as he's afraid of him.

I have told him that that kid is never to darken my door again. AIBU?

Even if he doesnt understand how awful the word is he is 8, old enough to know calling people names is unkind as is pushing over a much smaller child.

I don't agree that a NT 8 year old could know no different than to hurt someone deliberately. I'm pretty sure that school will have made it clear to him that it's wrong even if the parents haven't

"No I did not think he would do that to my little one"

After all you've said you knew about your DN, and your child coming crying a few times?

"He was even defending him, saying 'he's just a kid, why you making an issue of it'"

I agree with your DH here. And looking at what you write I think you do have it in for his family to an extent.

Also as I understand it, this time nothing was known until they left, and all you have is kids' words, its not a good plan to go wading in now.

Lazy why would an eight year old child use retard in a derogatory way if not as an insult. An eight year should know better IMO. If my dd used this word ever I would be furious and she is younger! If she ever did I would like to be told. Who even says retard these days? Sickening really.

would I be outraged if my 8 year old's aunt called him a little S%t on a public internet forum?

YES.

My son used the "R" word towards another child last week. When pulled up on it he asked why it was a bad word as the teachers at his old school called him it all the time. Good job we've moved too far away for me to go and have "words", is all I'm saying.

I guess doing it anonymously on a forum implies they won't find out bochead

Plus that's really not the issue

Before completely flipping out about any child using bad language my first question is always WHERE/FROM WHOM did they learn it? The OP sounds as if she comes from a generally foul mouthed family given her own description of someone else's child.

Pot & Kettle comes to mind here.

His parents do not discipline him and just sit on their arses while he does what he wants

This is exactly why 'little shit' is NOT justified. If his parents fail to discipline him, that isn't his fault.

spoilt little brat who should know better at age 8. Except he doesn't know better, because he has never been taught to know better!!

Come off it, people, it is entirely excusable to react to a child who has deliberately hurt your child by describing him as a little shit on an internet forum: can you honestly say that your own reaction to that would be as sweetly reasonable as you claim? It doesn't mean that OP is part of a foul mouthed family, nor does it mean that it is appropriate to come over all judgy and ignore the central issue.

Icimoi

My child has been hurt by a child older than her, I didn't think it was necessary to call that child names, because to me, it is just swapping one bullying behaviour for another.

It's hypocritical at best for the op (who definitely should know better) to get angry about her child being called a name (by an 8 yr old who she has admitted isn't disciplined) & then reacting to it by calling the 8yr old a name!

And if it makes me a Muppet to think that calling kids names isn't ok, so be it.

Some rather sanctimonious responses here, OP. I understand the desire to vent....

He is behaving this way as he knows no different, that is not his fault!

Of course it is the parents' responsibility to model appropriate behaviour (especially when a guest in someone else's home), to set boundaries and to discipline. But this 8 year old child will have been at school for 4 years now, and I would be very surprised if he was allowed to get away with speaking to his teachers or other adults there in the way in which he reportedly speaks to his mother. I am sure that he does know different, and would really benefit from another adult pulling him up on those occasions when his behaviour does cross the line. Boundaries make children feel secure.

I agree that he is unlikely to recognise the unacceptability of his language to his cousin in calling him a retard, but am sure he understands the consequences of his behaviour in upsetting a much smaller child when a 3 year old is in tears!

As others have suggested, it might help for you to speak to him about his behaviour directly if he does return to your house. And if if isn't too difficult, to calmly say to his parents that their son has been upsetting his cousin and explaining how would be good - but I realise the politics here are tricky.

Failing that, next time meet somewhere neutral where you aren't expected to run around after everyone else (as suggested earlier), and then you are free to keep a very close eye on proceedings and intervene as required.

Would showing your DH this thread be too controversial? I suspect that sadly, it might be, but I think he needs to recognise how distressing you are finding this situation, and take your concerns a bit more seriously.

Good luck, I hope that this can be resolved.

YANBU. I couldnt be bothered with all that in my home, and I really hate the word he used. Im not fussed about you calling him a little shit - you're annoyed & venting here, its not as if you're saying it directly to him, its an internet board Id think you're allowed to be a little less than perfect.

Sounds like your DH & said child's parents couldnt care less. You will just have to find ways to protect your son - including not having an expectation that he should put up with being bullied and belittled to suit who & what, exactly? Its a slippery road, bringing DCs up to believe their feelings don't matter. Maybe your DH was brought up like that, and thats why he is fearful of saying anything to his DB. Anyway, Id be very tempted to be out with my DCs whenever I knew they were coming round.

I'm actually surprised by these replies.

Children are people, too. And people can be shits.

If the OP said "My nephew acted like a little shit," would that be more or less acceptable? Just as acceptable for an 8yo who "doesn't know better" to call a younger child a "retard"?

Yanbu to be upset by it, OP.

So, Lazy, you agree with her dh? Her dh that sat on his arse and didn't help with cooking, cleaning up, watching his own kids and decided to watch a film whilst the OP ran around trying to do everything?

Dont bother making them a meal op. Stay with your dc and every time your nephew behaves badly toward them, tell him to stop.

"So, Lazy, you agree with her dh?"

He is saying she shouldn't blame the child. So do quite a few people on here, including me.

Fwiw I don't think the DN learned these words from his parents either, I'd bet school was the culprit.

But he dh isn't dealing with his brother or sister who is the child's parent. He is just sitting back and letting his nephew ride roughshod.

And I do blame the parents but I also blame the child. He'll know after 4 years at school that name calling is wrong. Children need to be taught to take responsibility for their own behaviour.

YANBU to be bloody upset about this child's behaviour.
YANBU to not want him in your home again while his behaviour is so shit.

YABU to blame him entirely and call him a little shit - his behaviour is indeed shitty but it's the way he's been allowed to behave at home, so put the blame where it belongs - at his parents' feet. Yes, by age 8 he should know better, and I bet he behaves better where he is brought up short (at school, for e.g.) but when his parents give him carte blanche to behave badly, he's going to.

YABU to let your DH do fuck all about it - or rather, to let him dictate that fuck all is done about it. Are you not capable of talking to his brother and wife yourself? is there some kind of cultural factor at play that says you must not speak to them? If not, why don't you tell them yourself ?

Overall, YANBU. But you need to take charge of this situation and explain fully and in detail to your BIL and his wife exactly why their precious son is no longer welcome in your home. If that creates a rift, too bloody bad - they're going to have to get used to it if their boy behaves like that in company, thanks to their slack parenting.

My nan always used to say the child is acceptable, the behaviour is not. There werent many children who misbehaved in her house. She just didnt tolerate it, a look was enough. Your nephew is eight, why are all his family letting him be so unpleasant.

If there is a next time, ask him if he knows what the word means and then explain to him why it is offensive. I had to do this recently with my son when he used the word 'spaz'. I just calmly explained it to him and he was mortified, especially as his younger brother has SN. Or ask the parents if they could do the same. This can be hard though, I know in my own family some situations would be minimised and it would be a case of OneStep is over-reacting.

The parents have been pulled up many times about nephews behaviour. They don't care unless it directly affects them, i.e. BIL can't hear the tv when he's having a tantrum - then he will shout at him!

Culture is that oldest brother is most respected and should be bowed down to. You would not believe the family dynamic, it is totally fucked up, so is mine but I can accept it, DH can't. That has been passed onto BIL DC. I have even had BIL DC telling me that their grandparents house is 'their house and my DC should do as they tell them' as BIL is oldest. Therefore DH has been brought up to revere him and his family. His self esteem is shit as his brother was always the most handsome, intelligent, funny, most important, etc which is total bollocks. DH will not speak out. There is even a sister who has hidden the fact she is married (lives abroad) as BIL would not approve of her husband. That was 10 years ago and she is 37 years old ffs!

I know DH will still jump to attention next time BIL decides to grace us with his presence. It is difficult to 'discipline' nephew as a lone voice, when everyone else thinks the way he is is acceptable.

Calling him a little shit (which is an accurate description) while ranting about his behaviour on an internet forum will not harm his feelings so I feel no guilt about that, sorry!

Ahh. That IS just so much bollocks, it really is.

Looks like you're stuck with just managing his visits then, as your DH will stand up for neither himself nor his family. I wouldn't normally suggest this but perhaps you need to take the child aside yourself and let him know what sort of retribution is likely to come his way if he makes your children cry again.

I hate that any children are ruined in this way by their parents, cultural or not - the hugely over-exaggerated sense of their own importance is not in any way beneficial to them. :(

It sounds like a really tricky dynamic and it's all very well us lot saying 'do this' or 'say that' because it doesn't sound like it would work tbh.

Do you get forewarned about them visiting? If so you could take yourself and your kids out with a picnic for the day and leave your dh to entertain the 'royalty' perhaps.