8 year old called my 3 year old a 'retard'. AIBU to not let the little shit ever darken my door again?

[StressHeadSally]

DH's nephew. He is an absolute little shit. Treats his mother like a servant 'Give me a drink NOW'. Is a complete bully, in trouble at school and 'little shit' is NOT uncalled for. His parents do not discipline him and just sit on their arses while he does what he wants.

We see them every few months. They come for dinner today. I know what he's like as he bullies my other DS's (who are older than him but too polite to namecall or push back) and dread it.

DS3 loves visitors and follows him around. DS2 tells me that nephew called DS3 a retard, an idiot, stupid and that he hates him (this is after DS3 told him that he loves him ). He also tripped him over. He did not tell me this until after they had gone but said he had told him off. DS3 came crying to me a few times but I thought it was because he was upset that he was not getting a turn playing the game they were on.

DH is too much of a wuss to tell his brother to keep his kid in control as he's afraid of him.

I have told him that that kid is never to darken my door again. AIBU?

YABU to blame this all on an 8 year old. It sounds like maybe some of your anger needs to be redirected to the parents allowing this to happen and creating a terrible situation for him. Can your DH speak to them about what happened?

I think YABU just to focus on the child. The adults were appallingly rude, watching a film while you were expected to wait on everybody and not supervising the kids at all.. I would have said something myself, not waited for DH. I'd meet them elsewhere in future, somewhere where there is stuff to occupy the kids. The eight-year old might be unpleasant but he isn't being given much of an example.
Perhaps I'm a muppet but there is something unpleasant about calling a kid a little shit.

Oh dear, I referred to my (much adored, too young to understand naughtiness) LO as a little shit when speaking to my mum earlier. He had bitten me and smiled.

Guess that's me in the bad mum brigade!

YANBU- any kid who treated my child like that would never be welcome back into our home. If the parents refuse to discipline then there is nothing you can do to improve the situation and your children should be free from any type of bullying within their own home, pretty simple to me.

The child was vile and the parents were ignorant/stupid/ rude. Take your pick really.

Point is, your OH won't step in, they are his family, and the problem is solved by not having them over again. Easy.

I would just have a word with your nephew op. If his parents and your husband wont speak to him. Hes eight, next time he says or does something mean, just say thats not nice. You ll be doing him a favour he needs to be told.

I don't understand this really; this child is your family, why can't you discipline him and educate him like you would your own children.

You say he is your husband's nephew but it can't work like that - if you're married then he's your nephew too - you are referred to as Aunt and Uncle presumably?

I have 12 cousins. I can remember being shouted at, comforted, punished, counselled, supported, laughed at, loved and parented by all my aunts and uncles as well as my parents. One of my earliest (and scariest!) memories is one of my uncles (by marriage, not blood so same relationship as your situation) storming down the garden bellowing at the top of his lungs because I and one of his children were throwing sticks off a trampoline at one of his other children and singing a rude song about them. I guess I was about 4 or 5, certainly old enough to know better. He didn't waste time calling me a little shit, he just brought me up a bit!

I have the same relationship with the children of those cousins now so very distant family really. It takes a village and all that.

So, I would stop feeling upset and angry about this child, his parents and your husband and just treat him as you feel you need to at this point in his life.

Well I would have told him never to use that word again and why and I would have taken his parents on too if they'd tried to remonstrate. I am very upfront about things like this family or not and I never really understand why people sit and seethe in silence then moan at their spouse or DP. My ex FIL used to be extremely rude and judgemental about my ds with ASD, I took him on strenuously every single time, why would I wait for Ex DH to do it? Ds is MY child too.

I guess disciplining the child as well as doing all the cooking, clear up and waiting on people, without the support of her OH, might be a bit much. She also runs the risk of them getting pissed off at her and OH taking their side.

OH may well have taken their side and he'd have been given short shrift too.

Get that you're pissed off, get that his parents are behaving inadequately...

YAB MASSIVELY U for calling an 8 year old child a shit in your OP.

Horrible.

Seems like it's easier to not have them over sparkly, I can't see any positives for OP or her kids

OP only found out about it after he'd gone people!

He is 8 and kids can be cruel. Just deal with it next time he misbehaves. I'm wondering what kind of example you might be giving yourself if you get so venomous against a young child.

he does sound like a little shit. I wouldn't let the 3 year old play next time and if asked why tell them.

nunquam but she is aiming her rage at an 8 yo, maybe not at him in oerson as she found out afterwards but she refers to him as a "little shit" - if that is not aiming her rage at him then what is??!!

He is behaving this way as he knows no different, that is not his fault! It isothermal fault ofnit crappy parents for not raising their child to know that you do not physically hurt anyone deliberately. Ergo rage needs to be directed at crappy parents not kid who knows no different

OP - how would they react if you told their angel off? They're your family as much as your dd's so why can't you tackle the issue

Aiming her rage at him would be calling him a shit in person. This is, aiming her rage about him

I would also be having words with your dh, why wasn't he helping and getting involved, why are you running the show singlehandedly!

I really don't think the OP's choice of language used behind the child's back is the problem here, and that by focusing on it, the real problem is not being addressed.

I don't really care about her choice of language to be honest, I would be thinking it myself! She needs to confront it head on though.

'OP only found out about it after he'd gone people!'

But she could have added two and two together from his previous behaviour, this isn't the first time he's turned up acting like that.

Yanbu. I would be mortified if my dc (10 & 6) called anyone this although they never would. Bloody disgusting but I wouldn't have a problem pulling up the child or parents. If my dc said it I'd like them to be reprimanded!

It could be that the lad doesn't know what retard means or that it's offensive. They have to be told in the first place, and lots of children try words out even when they know they're 'bad', especially when they know they're bad.

Agree Agentzigzag, even though he knows it's a 'bad' word it wouldn't have the same implication for him as it would for an adult. OP says he used the words idiot and stupid as well so probably just considers retard to be another in that list.