8 year old called my 3 year old a 'retard'. AIBU to not let the little shit ever darken my door again?

[StressHeadSally]

DH's nephew. He is an absolute little shit. Treats his mother like a servant 'Give me a drink NOW'. Is a complete bully, in trouble at school and 'little shit' is NOT uncalled for. His parents do not discipline him and just sit on their arses while he does what he wants.

We see them every few months. They come for dinner today. I know what he's like as he bullies my other DS's (who are older than him but too polite to namecall or push back) and dread it.

DS3 loves visitors and follows him around. DS2 tells me that nephew called DS3 a retard, an idiot, stupid and that he hates him (this is after DS3 told him that he loves him ). He also tripped him over. He did not tell me this until after they had gone but said he had told him off. DS3 came crying to me a few times but I thought it was because he was upset that he was not getting a turn playing the game they were on.

DH is too much of a wuss to tell his brother to keep his kid in control as he's afraid of him.

I have told him that that kid is never to darken my door again. AIBU?

Oh please, I am calling him a little shit over an anonymous internet forum. He is not aware of it . Quite obviously.

He also went into my teenage DD's room and dropped sticky stuff and crumbs on her bed. I know it was him as that was where he was standing when I told him to get out of her room.

I was actually making dinner and cleaning up afterwards while guests and H sat on their arses. They actually helped themselves to a Sky Box Office Movie without asking . I told H to check the kids a few times as I was not happy with DS3 being with them but DS3 wanted to be with them.

It has just infuriated me that my lovely, kind, trusting little DS has been called names by a spoilt little brat who should know better at age 8.

The only thing the OP did wrong with calling him a little shit was doing it on a public forum, some DC are little shits, but it's something you really should only say in private.

YANBU, he does sound like a little shit but it really is the fault of his parents if they aren't pulling him up on this sort of thing.

If you feel this strongly about the matter I think you should have words with the boy's parents, don't leave it to your husband. If that sort of name calling and bullying continues I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell BIL that you nephew isn't welcome in your home.

I hope your DS3 is okay.

I too blame his parents. How dreadful! YANBU

3 YOs want to do a lot of stuff but you don't let them do it all.

I agree fust, that is bullying behaviour and as a result should not be allowed in your home

How is he supposed to know better if no one is teaching him?

Probably best for everyone if you don't have them round any more.

"I can't see how you can ban him from your house, as if your DH won't do anything then he'll keep inviting them."

Of course the OP can! She just needs to tell them that it's her home too and they're not welcome.

Sally, YANBU. I wouldn't want or have the child or the parents in my home.

Discipline the 8 year old yourself next time with a stern ticking off. No need to shout - a change in tone should do it. If he has never heard you get cross before, it may be the shock he needs. If your BIL and his wife/partner don't like your son's behaviour being kept in check, politely remind them that you do not stand for rudeness and bad language in your house. If they continue to protest, tell them that is is YOUR home, YOUR rules and if they have a problem with it then they don't have to come next time.

We had a similar issue with friends' son (now 5) since he was 3 1/2. He (even just a few months ago) would lash out at our then 18 month old if he had something he wanted and would tell him he hated him and gave him the evil eye. He has observed to throw a temper tranturm with full on screams and leg kicking for being told to put his shoes on in the street, threw his train set around the floor because a piece was difficult to fit, called his mother names because she immediately wouldn't help whilst she was making tea.

In the end, DH told the 5 year old off for climbing on our sofas and throwing objects in our sitting room. DH is usually quite cool and collected and a stern word and eyebrow raised was enough for him to stop. He did sulk towards his parents but surprisingly at the time, they supported us. Now when he comes he is well-behaved because he knows the boundaries.

Sounds like the 8 year old doesn't have any at home and continues his anti-social behaviour when visiting. If you set the standard, parents might actually be grateful and follow suit.

As for 'he's just a child' - yes he is and no, in a way it isn't his fault if his parents allow him to behave in that way, but making excuses for his behaviour and 'accepting' it because of his ignorance due to lack of parenting, isn't going to help him or others in the long run. Every child who calls people names should be corrected. Adults 'accepting' his rudeness are only fueling it also.

I can understand your 'name calling' towards him. But remember it is sounding hypocritical. Just don't call him it in RL!!!

He has never acted like that to DS3 before so I was not expecting him to do it to the much smaller one. The older ones yes, I have told them to give back what he gives them.

YANBU, is it not acceptable to tell off visiting kids in your own home any more?
when my DNs visit, if they jump on my furniture, seem to be causing arguments with dcs, dont say please and thankyou etc I always pull them up on it, if theirs parents havent already done so, and I would expect the same of them should my dc be behaving in a manner they dont consider appropriate in their house. its a case of my house my rules!

YANBU

But you will be told YABVU in grave voices by the muppets of Mumsnet who can't grasp that calling a child a little shit on a forum where he will never see it is different from calling it him in person.

Coldlight, I've given the same advice as an option to DD1 when she was getting flack, she chose not to use it, but I see it as one of lots of ways you can deal with a bully.

I think the real shit is your husband.

He sits on his arse while you cook and clean for him and his family.
He sits on his arse rather than look after the kids, so let YOU cook, clean and childmind.
He sits on his arse and defends rude behaviour against his own child - HE IS THEREFORE LETTING EVERYBODY, INCLUDING YOUR SON, know that it is OK to treat him badly.

Well, I think it's fine to vent anonymously on an internet forum. And some children are little shits.

Like for like rather than parrot them back, if they push you, ignoring them and walking away/telling the teacher/giving a sarky remark doesn't always work, if it doesn't and you've tried everything else push them back twice as hard.

I fucking wish someone had told me to do that, I worked it out for myself in the end, but it might have saved a lot of shit for me.

Don't tell your husband, tell this obnoxious child's parents clearly and directly why you don't want their child back until he has learned manners and become a much nicer person. Why should your children be made unhappy by him, and why should his parents be oblivious to his social issues?
But don't write him off, he may become a lovely 20 year old.

I think it's fair enough to think of a child as a little shit. Children are humans in their own right and just because they're children doesn't mean they can't be vile unpleasant little shits. Only on mn do you get the sanctimonious "he's a little boy, you can't call him names," attitude.

That being said, he will only learn that his behaviour is unacceptable if someone pulls him up on it, and it would appear at the moment that no-one is doing that.

You are aware that he bullies your three year old, so why did you keep dismissing him when he came to you crying even though you didn't want him playing with them? The responsibility for keeping this child disciplined should be with his parents, however the responsibility for looking out for your three year old is yours, and you failed in that on this occasion.

I detest the R word with a passion, however a three year old is not aware of its significance, only that he was being called names. So why do none of your children stand up to this child or come to you at the time? Children are notoriously good at telling on each other, soo I just don't get that, sorry.

I wouldn't ban this child. I would supervise him (and your own children) more closely in future, and if this child really is calling the other kids names I would pull him up on it very firmly.

But you do need some evidence of this happening before you goo in with all guns blazing, because with the greatest of respect, you can't ban a child from your house on the word of a three year old when none of the adults were taking responsibility for any of the children at the time.

8 years old, look to the parents not the child, its they who have helped create and raise this boy, its they who are the shits.

Anyone who used that word in my house would get a gentle talking too and why its not nice to say.

I would then raise it with the parents, in a very shocked way that I am sure they didnt realise he was using this word in such a way...( they probably use it in a derogatory way themselves), and then I would stop the boy visiting.