To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

[yummystepford]

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

I have the tax credits go to his account because I wanted to feel like I was contributing.

I could have not moved in until my maternity leave but couldn't face being pregnant as well as working and the kids on my own with him living 2 hours away. I worked a 50 hour week and my bosses didn't allow anyone to reduce hours as a policy because they had done it before and it hadn't worked. Commission structures and people complaining to stuff they had agreed to basically.

I honestly just thought he would sort it out once we moved

When we first moved I asked for some money to go get milk and brea and stuff and he gave me his card and pin which I wasn't comfortable with but it was the easiest option and we've just been doing that ever since. Despite me saying we need to sort something more permanent out.

He is a good man. He really is just a bit lazy and laid back and thinks everything will be fine.

Also women who are sent home are told to rest. No spot of cleaning, no stressing out. Short relaxing journeys only. Typing on a laptop is hardly comparable to lugging dishes around and bending up and down filling dishwasher.

Yes it's all very well saying that money should be shared. But the person earning nothing or a very low amount is in a vulnerable postion. Why can't people acknowledge this.

I'm using his money to buy food for everyone. I use money in my bank first but also have to buy clothes and stuff for the children.

Yes he can have ownership of his money but we are meant to be living together has a partnership as we agreed. So why should I have to ask for money to go and buy milk just because it's his money.

He only paid for my eyebrows this time so I could leave some money in my bank incase of emergency, to avoid stuff happening like not having phone credit, money for food or petrol when I'm out on my own, usually just doing food shopping or something.

So, rather than accepting the status quo or asking for an allowance, what other options are there? What are you going to do?

More Seriously can a woman who is clearly stressed, desperately trying to keep a baby inside her, not have her fucking eyebrows done??

I would suggest that it's more important to have some money to her name for a fucking sandwich. Spending the money on eyebrows is giving a false sense of security. I think this is a dire situation to be in.

If you can go to a restaurant, go to the salon etc then you could clean the table for the children to eat off.

You are an adult, stop expecting others to do it all for you.

What happens if he gets fed up and it all goes pear shaped? You have no income and will have three children. If you cant work with two children (thousands do) how on earth will you with three?

You seem to think he's not doing enough yet within a short term relationship he now has to take financial responsibility for you, two children that are no relation to him and a baby on the way with no financial or physical input from you. You aren't contributing by having the tax credits paid into his account, the state is. Given you only have an "idea" of his income, how did you tell the tax office his salary as the claim will be a joint one.

"That's why I haven't spent much money on myself or children lately because I have no idea what's acceptable or affordable! "

This is what really worries me. That you moved your children into this man's house and gave up your own means of supporting them without ever having a discussion with him about what you would both consider acceptable and affordable. That's their future you're talking about.

That discussion needs to be had now. You both need to know where you stand and plan your finances together. You owe it to your three children.

And btw I agree with More: having your eyebrows done would seem to come under the heading of pampering yourself and relaxing which is exactly what you are supposed to do after a pregnancy scare. Never heard housework listed under the same heading.

Money stuff aside, he needs to suck up doing everything. I'm also six months pregnant and since about week four have been suffering from hyperemesis and neuralgia in my jaw that's making it impossible for me to do anything. I can barely eat let alone do anything else.

My DH just gets on. Before I was pregnant I did all the housework and laundry as he did all the shopping and cooking. Now he just does everything and I've not once heard him so much as sigh about it. I'm sick, I'm pregnant that's the end of it. If he moaned I would be fucking annoyed to say the least. I'm miserable and sick- doing the chores won't kill him.

Read your "D"P the riot act and tell him to grow the fuck up.

Errrr...

If you can get your eyebrows done and go out for a meal you can wipe a bloody table. You'd honest prefer that your kids eat off the floor than wipe a table? I'm not the tidiest of people but by god I'd have to be totally bedridden and unable to move before I did that.

This is all bizarre. Really.

Once again yummy there is no point having the tax credits go into his account just so you can feel like you are contributing, when you then have to use more than that in housekeeping.

I think someone's suggestion of 3 accounts is a good idea. Housekeeping for food rent and bills, which you both pay into. His account for his stuff and your account for yours and your kids stuff. But you need to agree on this now as you are not going to be able to contribute the same to housekeeping.

You need to define your roles as so many other couples do. If his contribution is working, earning and then parenting outwith this, your contribution is taking care of the household and parenting until x date. Not all contributions have to be financial.

You never answered, have you done an 'entitledto' as a couple?

I haven't mentioned the eyebrows or the state of the house as in the whole post I didn't see it as relevant. But fwiw, yes you can and should be getting your eyebrows done, this is a red herring. The house would piss me off too if you keep it nicer and he has time which he is not using.

I would caution you to remember though, 3 months ago he lived a bachelor lifestyle, visiting his girlfriend, doing what he wanted the rest of the time. Now all of a sudden he has a full house, unwell girlfriend and is having to play dad. It can't be easy for him either so if you can bite down on your annoyance, I would do that for the good of the relationship.

If he doesn't sort this, tell him you will be withdrawing X amount in housekeeping at the start of each month. And change those tax credits on Monday please.

It seems I'm incapable of replying without writing an essay, sorry!

FannyDabbyDozey I am also not the tidiest, which means that I know that a table can get in a state that requires more than a quick crumb-wiping to eat off.

Half-finished craft activities or painting, crusted-on Weetabix, spilled tomato sauce, unidentified sticky stuff, piles of post, stacks of dishes perhaps if there's nowhere to put them... none of these are ever to be found on my kitchen table, definitely not!

Boulevard what would you do about the half-finished craft activities or painting, crusted-on Weetabix, spilled tomato sauce, unidentified sticky stuff, piles of post, stacks of dishes on the table if the household had to eat on the floor.

OP, I have no issue with you getting your eyebrows done, regardless of who's paying! It must be horrible to have had to have a labour stopped at 24 weeks. I know I've pampered myself a few times while I've been pregnant when everything's been a bit much.

What I will say though is that you are either on bedrest (therefore unable to go to get your eyebrows done or for a meal) or you're not (therefore capable of doing some light housework like clearing the table and doing the dishes).

Calling a man who is doing his best in stressful circumstances 'lazy' is bound to make people think you're expecting to be kept.

The money stuff can be fixed, but I'm just as shocked as other posters that you uprooted your life, your kids and quit your job to move 2 hours away to essentially be supported by a man when you don't know how much he earns. Even more so because you then gave up any financial independence by transferring your tax credits to his account. I'd suggest the same system other posters have: a joint account you each pay into and a separate account each that's kept separate.

Some these replies are bloody ridicules!

They are not short of money (in general) it's just that her account is nearly empty because it all goes into his and he won't give her her own card or have a joint account so can only access the cash when she "borrows" his card.

So that leaves her short of cash if she is out at say hospital for example.

yummystepford tell him to get a 2nd card so then you both have one and get your tax credits going back into your own account.

If he is not willing then get advice as it is not fair that you have to be 7 steps ahead when planning what to spend.

There are very very few people who know what exact money to the penny they will need every time they are out of the house (away from their bank card) unless they always have cash in their pocket.

For example you never know what emergency might happen and you could need access to your joint money at any time.

What would happen if one of the kids had an accident and he was out and you needed to get a taxi to hospital (car didn't start)

You can not be in a position where you are in no control over your own finances it's ludicrous.

Either you both get on board and sort it or you need to make changes that give some control yourself.

Scrambled They are not short of money (in general) it's just that her account is nearly empty because it all goes into his and he won't give her her own card or have a joint account so can only access the cash when she "borrows" his card.

Oh, well, that's ok then

I don't understand why this poster has had such a flaming?? If her partner was more organised and honest in sharing money, she wouldn't have to take the card all the time. prem-labour must be very scary, cut her some slack. she has said she is skint because if she wasn't told to rest she would be working at the moment- why is this so hard for sime of you to understand? she isn't being a precious pregnant princess for no reason, she has been very ill for pregnancy related reasons. As long as her kids are well fed and have all they need, why shouldn't she spend the maintenence money on herself? I would, especially if they only stopped out once per month, her sons' father can hardly moan!

logg1e no it is the opposite of ok!

I was aiming that at all the posters having a go at her for getting her eyebrows if she has no money!

Did you read any of the rest of what I posted or did you just think I was having a go?

It is atrocious this woman is in a situation where she ends up in a position where she can't even feed herself while at a hospital because she has no access outside of the home to money which apparently is for them both to spend!

Picking only parts of what I said to quote changes what I said entirely.

You made that look like I was being a bitch rather than the opposite. Thanks for that

No I didn't make you look like a bitch. I thought your posting was contradictory but I apologise if I missed your sarcasm.

parkin
She didn't want to work while pregnant, and looking after kids, that's a bit different. She claims they won't let anyone reduce their hours but a risk assessment which is a requirement in pregnancy could have forced this.

She could have taken sick leave until 24 weeks and then taken maternity. This would have brought in a bit of money and covered her NI for a year, as well as earning holiday. To me it just shows that none of these plans have really been thought through.

You can't take sick leave just because it suits your domestic arrangements

Parkin said she resigned because she was told to rest.

I pointed out she could have gone on sick leave.

Having a high risk pregnancy and being prescribed bed rest would result in being on sick leave.

Before that, she could have kept her job going until maternity leave was able to kick in. Meant to say 29 weeks before btw not 24.