To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

[yummystepford]

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

Were you really that desperate to eat at 2.30? Didn't you have lunch before you were discharged?

You have not even been with him two years, how come you have no money and no access to money?

You seem dippy in the extreme. You go to hospital without making sure you have credit on your phone, and without money in your purse.
You take his bank card to pay for eyebrow treatment, fgs. Then you dont replace it.

How did you live before he came to "rescue" you?

I am honestly not surprised he is pissed off! You are right it is not different, both situations were caused by you, not him. The only difference is that this time HE got stuck because of something you did, not you.

Yes she did however its fairly logical that the reason she is not currently looking for work is because of that or perhaps they jointly decided that she should not.

Just because you worked until the week before and someone else did not is not something to get critical about.

I'm normally in the work until you actually have labor pains and go back after two weeks if possible camp that does not mean I can judge and make digs at someone who does not.

But if I read correctly, he is self employed and works fro home. Why didn't he move to her rather than give up her job and disrupted the kids? And keep some independence?

Yes. I was put on 2 drips, and given 2 injections of steroids. I was also transferred to a different hospital as I was only 24 weeks. I have also had some other issues. I didn't plan to fall pregnant tbh, it's been a blessing in disguise honestly but it wasn't the plan. He wanted to sort out finding a house, which was an effort travelling between mine and his and back home for house viewings and everything was on hold until we were in the new house as far as he was concerned and he has said that I don't need to worry about the money and we would sort that out after Christmas when we were in the new house. And we have just muddled along like this and it was only the first time when I went into labour and the next day suddenly being so far from home with no credit or money and the next day he didn't bring me anything as we thought I might be coming home so had to go until the next day for non hospital food, a magazine and some clean clothes. After that I realised that it was important we get it sorted, especially money. He wouldn't even discuss. Then I had to go back to hospital when I saw the midwife a few dyes after coming home from hospital and that happened I said again it needs sorting because I was so upset that I couldn't eat as due to the midwife appointment and stuff I hadn't eaten since breakfast. I did laugh however at the stupidness of the situation, there is money, and even I had enough money in my bank for the food but couldn't buy the food. So why should I have him slam the door at me because at 6 months pregnant and at quite a stressful time I forgot to put his bank card back when in reality it could have all been avoided if he just had a conversation with me about money! Yet, I'm still the one who is upset because the first child free night in a month of stress I get the door slammed at me

But it's not just down to him to sort it is it?

What do you mean I was stupid to go into hospital with no phone credit or money? I went into labour at 24 weeks, it was completely not planned and we were far too worried to stop off at the cash point! The second time I saw the midwife at 11am who sent me there and i went straight to hospital afterwards and I was being checked and stuff, so no I didn't have lunch and I didn't eat on the way because a glucose test was mentioned.

No I mean, if you were intending you sort it after Christmas you both had time to sort it. It's march now. I'm not talking about having no money at the hospital. Surely it was something you discussed if you gave up your job?

yummy

It would be much easier to follow your posts if you use paragraphs and perhaps a few double lines in between them.

You have fallen victim to the unfortunate problem many forums have because of posters who get a bit strange when posts are hard to read, you could have written "I'm very rich and want to set up a network of kitten hospitals iabu" in your post and still been jumped all over.

If you have a look through the older posts you will find huge huge amounts of ones saying

We have agreed joint finances yet I have to ask before I can access money, the overwhelming response is normally "that's not ok"

And Tbf he has no idea I'm annoyed about the house. I said to him I really appreciated how much he has done. Because IMO I'd rather not argue than stress about the house. As I said before part of me is annoyed but I know I am more annoyed that I can't do it than him not doing it. It is below a standard that anyone should live in, I do not have high standards. The house is bad. But I'm trying not to focus on that so haven't told him or felt too angry about it. My point was despite the stress of home I was willing to ignore everything and enjoy dinner with my lovely boyfriend. The house is bad though, I just hope no one comes round!

Maybe you need to think about always having phone credit and money. Most people do, because you never know.

Maybe he too was disappointed at a child free night got ruined?

She has already said they did but he has yet to provide her with her own card or set up a transfer

So what's your main issue?? The house can't be that bad if it was spotless before you went into hospital? Give the guy a break, he's under pressure too!!

Quint, it's not all down to him if they are setting up a joint account. If he has internet banking they could both do it one night. He might not realise her dire straights

But how am I meant to sort it when he won't talk to me about it. Whenever I mention it he says we will sort it out. I have no idea what I am meant to do in the meantime. I can't force him to transfer money or open a joint account. I have no idea how he would react if I took £100 out for the week or any idea about what's going on tbh. That's why I haven't spent much money on myself or children lately because I have no idea what's acceptable or affordable!

Sorry about the bad typing, I just had so much I needed to say and have no one I can talk to really. I'm fed up and bored and it's been a really crappy week for lots of other reasons.

Why can't you talk to him about it? You are having a baby together. Did you really give up your job, move in with some one without discussing who pays for what??

Not a chance would I do that without total stability being in place first.

He told me not to worry. And he is paying for everything he is just making it awkward and I know it's only because he can't be bothered to sort it out. He's crap at stuff like this. I bring it up and he acts like he still hasn't decided what to do but doesn't want to discuss it!

Have you told him your financial situation?

Yes, of course I should have put the card back obviously. But I'm 6 months pregnant and today was the first time I left the house in 2 weeks to get my eyebrows done. I explained to him that although I now have maintenance I want to try and keep some in there incase I end up in hospital again or stuck in some other way so I was taking his card to pay for my eyebrows and he smiled and agreed. He knew I had taken his card earlier, he knew I haven't left the house in 2 weeks that I've been under a lot of stress this week with other stuff and have been a clumsy forgetful idiot all week. I even understand him being pissed off. But I don't think he should have slammed the door and sulked all evening when really he should realise it's not easy for either of us and refusing to accept that we need a new system for money is going to make life a little bit harder. He should be angry at the situation of because of so many factors I forgot to put the card back instead of being angry at his pregnant girlfriend

He knows my financial situation and I've always been very open about it. I know his balances and have an idea of income. I know the rent is paid until December as are most of the bills. And I know future income is a bit unsteady but we have enough money to last the year out baby included without any income if we are careful but obviously need his self employment to continue to bring in a good income if that makes sense. I just want to be given an allowance more than anything and a clear idea of what it is meant to cover. I have told him this and said or a joint account if you think it's easier. He didn't give me an answer.

You're still blaming him for your mistakes. Accept responsibility for your own actions and apologise about the card.

It isn't hard yo organise a joint account or card for you.

Apologise then offer to get the forms etc to nskr it easy for him.

Does he have a computer? Internet banking? If so he can set up a regular transfer to your bank account.

If once you've apologised he still resists giving you access to money (why do you want an allowance - you're not a child) then I would be opening my eyes and stop putting it down to him "being crap with stuff like that" and go and post in the relationship boards.

Mr yummy stepford as we don't have a joint account I will need £400 a month either in cash or direct transfer on the 1st (or other day) ok?
You have to be more forthright

OP, do you mean that you previously worked, but then when you got pregnant with this man you gave up work completely? And then signed over your tax credits to him for some mysterious reason?

You repeatedly say that the reason he hasn't sorted you out a card is because he can't be bothered. You sound extraordinarily naïve. Debit cards are not transferable. It usually says so on the back. It is fraudulent to use a card with someone elses name on it.

Did you not have this conversation with him before you moved in? All this talk of an "allowance" is bizarre. Is there a huge age gap or something? You do sound very immature and like he is the boss of you and treating you like an indulged child.

Why can you not just get the tax credits put back in your account for a start, and tell him he either gets the bank account situation sorted or you're off.

Ok your posts are a wee bit convoluted so I'm going to try and break them down.

As I understand it, your real problem is that in your eyes, he overreacted to your mistake of forgetting to replace the card. This is further compounded by the fact that this all could have been avoided had he been responsive to one of your many money discussions, am I correct?

I would say let this go. You are both under a lot of pressure, prone to snap, and it's small in the big scheme of things. If you can, apologise for forgetting the card and tell him how woolly baby brain can be. (I'm on number 3 and barely have any brain function left). That is that solved.

However your posts flag up major issues. You have been together 2 years, are having an unexpected baby, and have just moved in together. You need money off him yet have put your tax credits into his account. Why put the tax credits into his account if you need the equivalent or more back anyway? I would sort this ASAP and get them back into your account.
I assume you made the decisions for you to give up work and move in together as a couple, so why was this not done in full e.g. Housekeeping arrangements. I would also question the wisdom of you giving up work instead of sticking it out until you qualified for maternity. But that is moot now.

You need money to raise your kids, to buy stuff for this baby, to run the household. And if any spare, to treat yourself. Has any of this been discussed? Do you each know how much you need?

You need with some urgency to figure out these sums, subtract what you get from CB, CTC and maintenance, and arrange a standing order from him into your account immediately. If he refuses, it would flag up major issues for me. Also have you done a joint benefits claim in case he can now get WTC or HB?

I am sorry you went into premature labour, this can't be an easy time for you or your family and you don't need the added stresses of money on top. Which is why I would suggest you sort it out with some urgency.

Apologies for the lengthy post.