To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

[yummystepford]

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

Last week I had £4 left in my account. He has all the money, that paid for my eyebrows to be done. The fact is it's the first time I left the house today, and had to take his card as 'he' was paying for my eyebrows. He's so laid back, that he doesn't seem to understand that we can't keep using 1 bank card like this

I think you are in the wrong for not giving him his bank card back but he is being unreasonable with his resentful attitude about doing things in the house.

We are not short of money as a whole. Thats why I was so annoyed that I couldn't buy a sandwich because I didn't have a tenner in my bank when there is a lot in the other bank. Why is everyone jumping on me for having my eyebrows done!!!

Do either of you work? This just sounds like madness. He sounds like he was doing his best while your were in hospital. No wonder he was pissed off that you'd not put his card back.

I don't want to be a doom-monger but how would you manage if he walked out.

Being this dependent on someone else is not a good idea.

I should have my own access to money and not have to remember to a) take his card and b) put it back almost everytime I buy food, or petrol or need milk or have to pay for school clubs etc. if it wasn't for that fact I would feel bad that I forgot to put it back!

Sounds like everyone is tired, stressed and run ragged. I think you are being unfair about the state of the house and he over reacted about the bank card.

How is the OP being unfair about the state of the house though itiswhatitis? Her DP lives in the house too.

I don't understand - you've only lived together for 3 months so how did you cope financially before then ?

But you do have your own money - maintenance and child benefit. But it sounds like you can't manage on that and need access to "his" money. It's complicated, I know the mumsnet way is to share everything... But if this was the other way round he'd be called a cocklodger.

It sounds like he is holding things together single handedly and is probably struggling especially if he isn't used to it. I think you should cut him some slack personally and recognise that he is having a right time of it too. And sort out the bank card situation yourself

People are being hard because they skim read the first post which was devoid of paragraphs and hard to read and are now sticking the collective boot in.

Basically.

This all sounds ridiculous.

You can't live in shit with kids and a newborn. Tackle the mess between you - if you can go get beauty treatments / go out for dinner you can help clear mess.

How the hell were you living before? £50 a week wouldn't cover living costs pre him. Have you stopped working since he moved in?

I read the op properly and still think op is being extremely unreasonable regardless of paragraphs.

Four eyebrows into one bank card does not go .

"But you do have your own money - maintenance and child benefit. But it sounds like you can't manage on that and need access to "his" money. It's complicated, I know the mumsnet way is to share everything... But if this was the other way round he'd be called a cocklodger."

I agree but lots wont on MN. Wonder how OP survives before his bank account came along.

So he's seeing to the kids, working, cleaning the house. Its little wonder he got cheesed off re the bank card. Why should you have your own, its his account.

Of course I can't manage on the child benefit and maintenance. He knows his and does not expect me to live off of it. Which is why I have access to his card. The tax credits wouldn't be enough either. I'd have all the money paid into a joint account but he says he doesn't want a joint account (prefers me to just use his card) I'm not getting the other money paid into his account because then I would be screwed. I'm pregnant so no longer working and I'm no longer a single parent so that has meant I've lost most my income. As he has paid for the house, it's rented, and all the bills I feel like some money should go into the account the bills are paid from. I was so ready to nag and moan about the house, I was going to completely forget about the stuff with the house and enjoy the evening with him, because I do appreciate that he's not used to having to do so much and is trying even if I sometimes feel like he isn't. But instead he is in a mood and angry with me and it never would have happened if he had have sorted this out with me instead of making me take his card all the time

But you are short of money if you only have £4 available to you. For most people they'd also have access to another bank account or even god forbid a credit card, and they'd have phone credit/a contract. It really doesn't sound like you have your priorities straight getting your eyebrows done when some days you have no food.

Yes he should read your grocery list and yes he should do more housework while you're resting, what on earth will he be like supporting you with a newborn if he can't do that now?

"I'm pregnant so no longer working" - eh?

Did you give up work because you're pregnant? If he's working, paying the bills., seeing to your kids then I think he sounds great.

If he's generous enough to give you access to his card could you not just take out money that you need for a few days when you have the card? Not his fault if you dont forward plan

Financially, you need a joint account with a bank card each. And agreements on how the money is spent.

You also need to give both of you a break. You went into premature labour at just six months which must have been very scary for both of you. He is probably feeling really bloody scared right now.

Can I suggest you sit down together, have a chat, not about money, the house or baby. Chat about other things. Watch a bit of telly or a DVD together. Take care of yourself.

I didn't ask to be in this position and have to rely on him for money! I was doing perfectly fine on my own before him, I am in a small amount of debt from the boys father but it is manageable. I got my eyebrows done before him and I will continue to get them done while it is something we can afford. If I wasn't pregnant I would be cleaning the house, working and paying for myself and would have enough money in my own account to pay for my eyebrows! I am however very grateful to him, I often show him and tell him this. I don't really care that he hasn't done the housework, in truth I just feel awful that I'm not able to do all of that right now and I am sure he understands the importance of me resting. I just think I shouldn't have to ask for money to buy food and things for us and our house and our family that we can afford. And then have to deal with his anger because his lack of planning fucked him once for a rare change

I don't often say this but I think you need to cut him some slack just now.

In the last three months, you and your children have moved in, you've been in hospital, he's been doing the school runs and looking after the house, travelling to see you in hospital. That's a lot for anyone.

You yourself have had a pregnancy scare, moved house and suffered a drop in income.

I think it's fair enough that either party would have times where they are a bit overwhelmed but didn't you discuss any of this before you moved in together. Why would you risk your financial stability and that of your children for the sake of a conversation about joint finances ?

But its your bloody fault the card wasnt there! He wouldn't be in a mood if you had put the card back! It sounds like you're not actually willing to support him while he is running himself ragged trying to do everything. I get that youre meant to be resting but seriously can you not see why he is justified in being pissed off about the card despite you trying everything to suggest is his fault you didn't put the card back? !

Why have you given up work?

I worked until one week before I was due, but never mind.

You are probably lucky you have this bloke to look after you and your children, you do sound childish and immature to say the least.

If he pays for everything, what do you exactly do with all of your money?
He is probably afraid of getting a joint acc and you spending everything, I am surprised he lets you use his card at all.

Get some finance management course done before baby is born.

BTW, you usually can have your eye brown done yourself. You just need a mirror, tweezers and time and good light.