To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

[yummystepford]

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

He's not doing everything though JumpingJack. The OP says the house is a state and he's not doing any food shopping.

I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop

I read this as meaning that he IS doing it all - he's just not on top of it and the OP hasn't been well enough to help out.

Ok, I kind of get that you're annoyed that you're not sharing cash and you're having to ask him for money. If you weren't comfortable with the financial set up though, you shouldn't have moved him in.

But with the sheer amount he's doing right now (work, childcare, shopping, cleaning, keeping you healthy) I think YAB very U expecting him to revisit the financial situation at the same time. Especially while you're being so ungrateful about him not keeping the house to your standard.

I'm 37 weeks pregnant. My OH wants me resting up. He took over the cleaning. The kitchen is messy and I'm itching to get my hands on the hoover but I'm certainly not holding it against him. And if it all gets a bit much for him I send him out with his mates, do the dishes and then do the food shop online.

He's allowed to be miffed you didn't put his card back. But I'm betting he'd forgive that in a heartbeat if you weren't being so hard on him for everything else when the man certainly seems to be doing his best.

"Ive been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop."

He s looking after her children for her. If I read correctly the kids aren't even his yet he is taking care of them single handedly. So what if it's not up to her standards. If she can go get her hair done, then online food shopping isn't going to hurt is it. Then he might feel like she is doing something other than getting get hair done.

I had to give up work because we moved a 2 hour drive from home to move in with him. He works from home self employed and has worked his usual couple of hours a day. Has spent most of this week on the xbox and doing just enough dishes to make and serve the next meal and hasn't done laundry since he washed the bedding when I was in hospital. I've spent a lot less on myself and my children since we've lived together because it's always been his money! I could have afforded to pay for my eyebrows myself today as I got maintenance. But as that's money I need for the children and because after being left with no food at the hospital I realise I need to try and keep some money in there because I am screwed without his money quite clearly. I was just trying to use as much of the money from my account as possible to save using his card. And clearly I shouldn't have been so considerate!

How have you spent less on your children? Ie you've not spent his money just your own money? Is his money not "additional" money? Do your hope to go back to work?

So why didn't you have a financial plan before giving up work, moving in with him and getting pregnant?
This is bonkers.

Again - why cant you just tale out the cash you need forthe next week or so when you have his card if hes ok with you having access to it?

Why did you move in with him, quit your job and presumably uproot your children if you weren't happy not sharing money?

You sound very disorganised TBH.

You knew you had no credit on your phone, you had no money on your bank acc and you were probably going to get hungry and yet you didn't ask him for cash when he "stupidly" left to pick up your children fro school.

You need to wake up, realise you are part of the problem, calm down and apologise for not putting the card back and than make a plan for the future.

I bet your boys' dad is thrilled you are spending the maintenance on your eyebrows.

DH has borrowed my cash card on occasions when his has been broken/lost and he needed some money; the time he forgot to put it back, I was really cross because it was v inconvenient. I can understand why he was pissed off. It sounds almost like you forgot to put it back to prove a point.

I understand what you're saying about the money situation OP, not really sure why others are giving you a hard time. The usual response to these sort of threads is that all money is family money and should be shared equally!

If dh is not keen on a joint account how would he feel about you having a credit card and then him paying the balance off each month? Saves you taking his card plus then you'll both always have a card on you so won't be caught out.

On the housework front, think you may just have to lower your standards a little while you're unable to do much. Its frustrating when things aren't done to your liking but remember he is trying to do everything at the moment!

Rollonthesummer what a ridiculous comment re maintenance.

Some of you really should calm down a bit a few of the posts on this thread are vile.

She is not taking his money,he is having her tax credits paid into his account. She is also covering household expenses from her children's child benefit and maintenance,she is also pregnant with his child and in a position where that pregnancy is risky enough to warrant hospital admissions and instructions to rest.

She is nothing like a cock lodger.

She is also not saying she is broke or that he is broke. Just that she has no routine access to cash, they have agreed joint finances just like most couples do but he has yet to sort out the making it joint.

She cannot set thing up on his account because she is not the account holder.

Waiting for the financial abuse voices of reason to chime in. Oh wait, you are all putting the boot into the OP because she had her eyebrows done and didn't use paragraphs.

OP YANBU to expect you and your DP to work out a better deal with money so that you have access to it properly and as you need it. You realise that you're screwed if he throws you out, or leaves, as you're not married and everything's in his name? At the very least you need to work out some financial stability for yourself and your kids because currently this guy is holding all the cards and you don't even have your health to fall back on because you're pregnant and recently hospitalised.

You need a long-term plan for once the baby is born (before that really, but definitely after). Because right now you have put yourself and your kids into very real financial risk by not sorting out these money issues when/before you moved in with your DP.

Oh dear god. You're spending maintenence money on your freaking eyebrows.

notmyproblem

It's fairly dependant on it being an intentional act other than a lack of organisation skills, it's not clear to me yet which direction I'm leaning in

It was your responsibility to put the card back after you had used it so suck it up.
I suggest you tell him that the finances have to be pooled because you are not coping financially and the stress won't be helping the baby! Then off you go and get yourself added to his account and transfer your money into the joint account. If he refuses then you've got bigger problems to come! Good luck.

anybody care to share,why the fuck shouldn't she spend maintenance money on her eyebrows?

Well said needsAsock

I think she should spend whatever money on her eyebrows as long as she is responsible enough to ensure she has money to her own name to eat and make a phone call when necessary. Or maybe put the darn card where the money came from back to its original place instead of complaining her DP didn't check his wallet.
Looks like he is looking after 3 kids, no wonder the guy is stressed.

I didn't know he was leaving at the time, he was trying to find a midwife and then messaged me to say he was leaving. He had no cash and needed to buy petrol on the way back plus I thought I had more money in my account, I did technically have enough to buy the food and considered walking the mile to tesco express using the sat nav on my phone to find it and buy a sandwich, but I don't think I could walk that far at that time. Again if I had money transferred to me or a card to a joint account or access to money basically I could have bought a sandwich to eat while I was hungry and had to wait, again buying credit gets expensive so I try to limit buying it and it's usually all gone when I do, but again if I had access to money properly I could have bought credit or if I had the second sim he never followed up I could have at least replied to his message before he disappeared to ask for some money, but which time I probably would have been discharged and we wouldn't even have been late for school pick up. Or is it normal when there is a bread winner that the other one has to use her partners bank card to buy food shopping?

afroditie

Did you go into premature labor at 6 months and require treatment to stop you giving birth?

I think it is normal to put the card back once you used it.
You made a mistake, apologise and find out a way of discussing all the money issues and find solutions.
As posters said above, if he refuses still to share the money than you have a big problem in your hands.and will probably be better off as a single mother.

needs
OP stopped working before going to premature labour because she wanted to move to her DP's home 2 hour away from her own.