To think my DP is being unreasonable to be pissed off!?

[yummystepford]

AIBU? I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I had 2 children from a previous relationship. I am 6 months pregnant. Baby wasn't planned and dp had originally said he didn't want kids but changed his mind and was very happy to be expecting! (More so for me at first) anyway 2 weeks ago I did a bit too much and went into premature labour, was given drugs to stop the contractions and steroids and it was quite scary. I was let home after 3 days and have been resting ever since. My dp had to drive an hour and a half each way to visit me in hospital and he came everyday in between school runs and the like. Since I got home however it's like he resents me because he has had to do everything. The house is a state, laundry needs doing, there's no food in and he ignores my list when he does go shopping. I've been doing my best to appreciate that he is trying to keep it tidy, doing all school runs, cooking dinner everyday, making packed lunches and going to the shop. I am starting to feel well again after a few more minor issues after coming home, and the house is now too much for me to tackle and there is no clean space or food to start helping with things like packed lunch. He often buys sandwiches from the shop and uses other stuff from home. Anyway, we don't have a proper plan on money and now we live together I am more dependant on him and have to trust him to sort stuff. I get child benefit and maintenance into my bank and he gets the tax credits and his money. Last week I had to go back to hospital and he had to leave me there to go pick up the boys from school and I got discharged 2 minutes after he left and I had no phone credit to tell him to wait. (He was going to sort out adding a contract sim to his account as it worked out the cheapest option by far) I figured I would get some food as I was very hungry, I had £4 in the bank. The cafe was cash only. The shop took card, so I choose a sandwich, crisps and a chocolate bar, at the till I found out the minimum transaction was £5 but don't worry as there was a free cash machine outside! FFS! So had to sit and wait from half 2 until 4pm to be picked up and then didn't eat until we got home. I pointed out that as well as similar problems the first night in hospital it was clear we needed to make a plan with money because it was very frustrating. That was a week ago. Today I took his bank card out to get money out to get my eyebrows done and forgot to put it back (I am 6 months pregnant and forgetful) the kid have gone to their dad's for the first child free evening in a month and I did my hair and make up and was going to forget about the horrible stressful week and about how annoyed I am at my messy house. We drive out to a nice place to eat in a village, sit down, choose our food and then my other half went to order and realised he forgot his card. He hadn't checked as he usually does before we go out, as I often have it for food shopping and stuff. After I said oh it must be at home. He walked out. He didn't say a word in the car and slammed the door. Came home and got into his comfy clothes and has disappeared out into the kitchen. He is very pissed with me! Why should this be any different to when I was stuck at hospital with no food because of a silly error of him leaving just before I was discharged!

Quite simply, from everything you've said in the thread it sounds like you are annoyed with loads of different things, under stress from your pregnancy.... But totally ignoring the fact that your partner is under stress as well.

From all accounts it sounds as if he is trying. And of course he is going to be annoyed if you go out and discover that because of your forgetfulness his bank card is not there. You claim he should have checked it was there because you're pregnant and forgetful because of stress, but why is it not okay for him to forget to check due to what he is dealing with at the moment?

If you have an issue with the food shopping, set up an online account and get some groceries delivered to your house.

I'm not gonna really comment on the house though as I know you have been told to rest, but I don't really see how much harm just washing a few dishes yourself could do. I'm not a doctor tho, nor have I been through what you have, so that is just me wondering.

Sit down and have a proper conversation with him about the house and money, but a lot of men will get defensive if they feel they are being attacked about something. Think about how to phrase it and stay calm when you talk to him.

I don't get the house issue either. You can't be in total bed rest with going to get your eye brows done and go out for meals so can you not do a bit of tidying up?

How old are your kids - can they not muck in?

Brilliant post by paratus. Hope you get your situation sorted.

It's actually quite good that you forgot to put the card back - this sharing one bank card business has been a complete PITA for you by the sound of things, while he vaguely promises to do something about it one day.

Now it's a PITA for him, you might find he has more incentive to actually get his arse in gear and do something about it.

If he still refuses to do anything about it, then that shows a deeper problem and is quite worrying

Also, I know it's difficult if you're on a phone or something, but people haven't been reading your posts properly, have asked questions you already answered, misinterpreted what you're saying, and been quite rude to you... partly because you haven't used paragraphs.

People tend to only read the first couple of lines of each section and then skip over the rest of the paragraph, so before you say anything important

you need to hit the return key a couple of times

to draw their attention to it.

Sorry, I feel like I'm being a real dick to comment on someone's typing, but I think you've been getting a really hard time on here because people aren't reading that your partner works 2 hrs a day, plays Xbox the rest of the time, and doesn't give you regular access to money.

www.bliss.org.uk/

Speak to Bliss, the premature baby charity, as they run a confidential helpline & will be able to advise you. You are stressing about issues that will cause you & the baby problems, you need to stop stressing out. I had a 26 weeker & you really don't want to give birth that early trust me.

As others have advised:
Grocery shop online
ask family & friends for baby sitting duties so that you can rest & he can sort out the house
get a cleaner
transfer your child tax credits back to you
sort out housework rota & include your older dc if appropriate
sort out a joint bank account & budget
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

you need your own tax credits to go into your bank account. end of. I'm all for joint accounts and family money but that's not the situation you're in here. that's your money for your children and if he's not allowing you proper access then essentially its theft.

Posted too soon

The irregular access to money & his general attitude towards you is abusive & I think you need to speak to womans aid or your midwife. You will be under so much pressure if you give birth early & if he is behaving like this now, I dread to think what he will be like then. The medication they give you only holds off labour for a certain amount of time so you really need to look after yourself. Always carry food & water with you & money to get a cab in an emergency.

I had a 26 weeker & it was tough eventhough he was my first & I really feally felt for the parents with older dc. You need to make plans incase you do give birth early & enlist the help of as many people as you can Nothing prepares you for the shock of giving birth early but a bit of planning will help.

Can you pay a childminder to collect your dc from school or are they old enough to go to an after school club?

What I don't get about threads like this is that because she is pregnant it somehow absolves her if taking financial responsibility for herself. I agree the tax credits should be transferred back to her account. I'm not sure how they work, does the 'earner' have to get them?

I also always think 'what if this was my brother' and frankly if he met someone with two kids, who then had an 'unplanned' pregnancy, moved her and her two kids into a house he rented and paid all the bills for and then expected him to stump up an 'allowance'... My judgy pants would be so high they'd strangle me.

Op

How old are your children?

You really need to stop thinking you are now a kept woman and accept it is up to you to support your children, not him. You say you had enough money before but now are spending less on the children since moving in with him. Why? Surely the children's maintenance has stayed the same from their father.

I also always think 'what if this was my brother' and frankly if he met someone with two kids, who then had an 'unplanned' pregnancy, moved her and her two kids into a house he rented and paid all the bills for and then expected him to stump up an 'allowance'... My judgy pants would be so high they'd strangle me.

^ this

It is all very confusing, if he is paying all the bills then tax credits into his account seems reasonable, leaving you with maintenance and child benefit. You need to just get through the next couple of months, once the baby is born then look at joint accounts etc. I do not know why the eyebrow thing has got blown up to the extent it has, probably down to the fact of not having enough for a sandwich but both are irrelevant in the grans scheme of things.

Why the inverted commas around "unplanned" pregnancy? They are a thing, you know. Or are you implying the OP did it on purpose to trap this man into paying for her and her children? Nice. What if it was your sister in the OP's position? Or you?

I don't quite understand the financial situation here and I don't quite understand how OP is out and about (bushy eyebrows or no), surely you either need bedrest so can't do anything, or don't so could do a few dishes and make lunches?

Some things to do:

Get a cleaner, even short term. You can probably still do your own eyebrows while on pregnancy rest so money is better spent to outsource the cleaning.

Shop online - no reason why you can't do this with his card. Easy peasy. Then nobody needs to be running around with lists. I'm actually surprised you aren't doing this already.

And then once you have food in the fridge and a clean house, get your finances settled. You don't need an allowance you need a joint pot where all family money comes out - bills, clothes, food etc and then you can both have your own accounts for your own stuff if there is money left over. that's very different from a joint account and may be more palatable to the both of you. If he's freelance, a contractor or working for himself then money won't be stable and that may be why he is unhappy about you having joint access. A separate joint account with money paid in by both for essentials - obviously in a fair ratio- will work well in this case. An allowance sounds very "kept woman" when actually you will be using the money on food etc.

And finally, plan ahead. I always leave the house with a fully charged phone, money and card. Thank god as I broke down on a very rural route the other night and needed money and my phone to get my kids and I out of trouble.

I mean different from a single joint account. We have three: mine, his and joint. Makes all the bloody difference as my DH is clueless about family expenses and we'd never have, clothes, holidays, a car or even a house if spending was entirely in one pot,

"I also always think 'what if this was my brother' and frankly if he met someone with two kids, who then had an 'unplanned' pregnancy, moved her and her two kids into a house he rented and paid all the bills for and then expected him to stump up an 'allowance'... My judgy pants would be so high they'd strangle me."

I think the OP's comment about the "unplanned" pregnancy being a "blessing in disguise" sums up the above perfectly.

She just wants an allowance to spend and all the bills to be paid whilst contributing nothing. The maintainance from the previous father doesnt appear to get spent on the children either but luxuries for her.

If a man posted he'd given up his job, moved in with a women and expected her to fund all the bills plus his chidlren from a previous relationship, didnt do any housework or childcare yet was perfectly able to pop to the pub for a meal or out for a hobby he would be ripped apart.

Nothing the boyfriend seems to do is good enough, no wonder he doesnt want to hand over access to his account.

Lol at eyebrowgate! I have to say in defence of the OP DH and I have been married 12 years and only just got round to getting me a bank card for his account I always have his in my purse, which is fine because he will just use his business account if he needed to get cash out (he really never spends much) it's been pure laziness on our part not sorting it rather than a sign of a dysfunctional financial relationship

To whoever asked I think the OP is unreasonable about the state of the house because if this were the other way around and her dp had been hospitalised and she was doing everything including looking after his 2 kids then everyone would be saying screw t he housework and offering her and

The financial arrangements seem so ad hoc and new (and unfair) that I really think you need financial advice, for everyone's sake.
The easiest thing would be to order a card in your name to his account (as that is the one that has all of the direct debits coming in and out of it). This becomes the joint account. Then, you each agree how much each of you takes out for your own account.

I've got to ask - who is paying maintenance to your eyebrows?

Also, I don't understand how you can be so financially comfortable to have given up your job and for him to suddenly pay for you and two more children yet you only have £4 to your name.

Also, how can you have no money for a sandwich one week yet go out and get your eyebrows done the next. It just doesn't make any sense.

Thank you brokensheep, that was my point, it's his system that fucked it up. I don't spend the childrens maintenance on myself at all! But I don't get given much money. He said he didn't want a joint account so the next thing I can think of is an allowance, to put towards the money I do get to buy food and everything else we all need, which is dependant on how much we can afford and what we need.

I did not mean I want an allowance for myself for eyebrows and stuff.

Eyebrows is the only thing I tend to spend on myself and hair cuts, my eyebrows get done 2-3 week after they need doing and my hair gets cut every 6 months or so. I dye it at home.

Going to get my eyebrows done was the only time I have left the house in 2 weeks. I don't do it myself because I'm very bad at it and they get tinted as well because otherwise it would look like I have none. I wanted to make myself not look like I've spent 2 weeks in my pjs before we went out for dinner.

I did not want to be a kept woman and actually once the baby is born and older it will probably be me who ends up working full time. But we have said we would see what the situation is nearer the time.

Since we have lived together I've kept the house clean, done his laundry and cooked for him and shopped for him and all the things we would have done if we weren't living together. He also used to spend half the week with me before we lived together and he did help and buy food, but I also cooked for him, did the odd bit of washing if he didn't have enough clean clothes and he went through a period of being skint and I did a bit of overtime at work to make sure when he visited there was enough food and stuff so he didnt feel he needed to go to the shop for dinner or whatever when I knew he was having a tight patch.

I am not a money grabber and he knows I am not. I don't understand why he lets me have full access to his account that even though he doesn't really check I have only used for household stuff and my eyebrows once, but refuses to have a joint account.

Anyway I am going to discuss it with him today and refuse to let him brush it off.

I cleaned up before my mum came round a few days ago because he was pottering about in the shed. And I haven't done nothing in the house. It's still a state. Kids have had to eat on the living room floor a few times because the table is disgusting. I will be much happier when I can do it myself

OP it's his system that fucked it up

I think it's your (plural) system that fucked up. An allowance is not the answer either. It reinforces a parent-child dynamic rather than an adult-adult. So, rather than accepting the status quo or asking for an allowance, what other options are there?

Regarding the eyebrows.

I think that there is nothing wrong with getting your eyebrows done, and completely understand it as a symbolic gesture of valuing yourself and preparing for an adult evening (rather than a parenting fortnight!). However, I don't understand why you would prioritise this, given that you have so little money to your name and no savings.

"But I don't get given a lot of money."

Why do you think you should be given any money? From who?

And if you can post on here why can't you clear a table. Eating off the floor because the table it disgusting is ridiculous.

OP, Since we have lived together I've kept the house clean, done his laundry and cooked for him and shopped for him and all the things we would have done if we weren't living together.

Why?

OP, I don't understand why he lets me have full access to his account that even though he doesn't really check I have only used for household stuff and my eyebrows once, but refuses to have a joint account.

You can't see why he'd want to maintain ownership of the money?

Oh for fucks sake people. Seriously can a woman who is clearly stressed, desperately trying to keep a baby inside her, not have her fucking eyebrows done?? Also is no-one who has an unplanned pregnancy be allowed to actually be happy once it's happened? Or should she wear a millstone round her neck?

Op I get where you're coming from. A lot of people muddle through with finances and yes, some people are worse off being in a couple than being a single person with children. It's nobody's business how long you've been together or who earns what. You both have agreed to be in a partnership and now need to work out how to make that partnership equal.

Why this is different to any couple where one is a SAHP is beyond me.