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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this parent was rude? (And unreasonable!)

150 replies

curiousgeorgie · 06/03/2014 12:44

Took DD to nursery today... Yesterday she had a bad fall resulting in A&E for the day (the nursery called me to take her) and they had said to keep her off for the rest of the week but she was desperate to go today and wear her costume. She's looking a bit beaten up with a huge fat lip, graze on her forehead and bruise on her cheek. The nursery teacher told me that it was due to another boy pushing her to the floor and stepping on the side of her face (!!).. I get that accidents happen, but still annoying. I was informed that his mother would have to sign a form that an incident took place.

The parent in question turned up today and totally ignored me, her son wasn't dressed up and another mother asked her if she hasn't known about it, and she said 'yes, but with the stress of yesterday with seeing Mrs X about that girl... and how upset he was I just couldn't get a costume together!'

Well, her son doesn't have a mark on him, and my DD did nothing. So how he's stressed I have no idea. 'That girl' was nice too!

If it had been the other way round I wouldn't have made a big deal, or I would have apologised.

AIBU?

OP posts:

FightingOverImaginaryIcecream · 07/03/2014 21:43

It's always hard to see the other side, but as a parent it's one of the hardest things to go through, when your child hurts another. I'm in no way excusing the other mum's behaviour, but I've been a lot more stressed about DS hurting other children, than when he's been hurt. He bit another child on one occasion, I apologised to the other mum and was utterly mortified, but I can easily see how it would be less embarrassing to say nothing, than to make that apology.

My child has been on the receiving end of bad behaviour as well, it's horrible and I utterly sympathise with you, but I also understand the mixed feelings, of having someone you love, being the one whose actions have hurt others. The other mother might have utterly failed in demonstrating sympathy and compassion, but (unless she is utterly heartless) she will have her own demons to battle with.

dayshiftdoris · 07/03/2014 21:45

Walter

Sorry but when my son was in reception and being pulled for every little thing I got really bloody fed up with it... I worked and didn't pick up 3 days a week so I barely knew any of the parents and the school would rebuff any of my appeals of support for him to tackle it because it was just 'one incident'...

But the bottom line was I was in denial that his behaviour was a sign of anything more concerning and so I clung to innocent reasons for the behaviour, which looking back the school used to their advantage so they didn't have to manage it or refer him on.

It's was an awful place to be and I missed so many opportunities to apologise to parents and their children - my son couldn't / wouldn't communicate who he had hurt and the school wouldn't tell me and I wasn't there to know who people were and very quickly I was isolated and yes probably came across as defensive.
I was very lonely and terrified that I was completely useless parent - hardly a monster though.

Now - third school in and an understanding of what makes him tick I still managing challenging behaviour and I still don't approach parents. School advise against it - they recognise that children quickly become labelled and then winding them up can become a sport. I have known a child to bite themselves then cry saying my son had done it - CCTV in the playground revealed what had happened but my son was still in trouble because he hit a dinner lady whilst she was dealing with it
I have to take the stance that I only care about HIS behaviour and HIS reaction but in the relative anonymity of mumsnet I will say it really infuriates me and I am so pleased that we are now in a school that recognises that issue and takes steps to avoid it.

I always comment on these sorts of threads - not to say 'poor me, poor me' but to dispel some of the myths that exist around these situations and also to remind people that whatever the issues these children have and how they behave they are still children, they still need to be loved and they still need to be nurtured... My love for my child can not be dependant on his behaviour - it has to be unwavering, unconditional love and it is that which motivates my responses first and foremost.

TeacupDrama · 07/03/2014 21:47

While it may well be policy not to name child that hurt you're own child in most case s the child will say something like Ben was running too fast he knocked me down steps, Ben was naughty wasn't he? If this is said OK n full hearing of nursery staff they can hardly tell hurt child don't tell mummy who it was, if I say this is third time in 2 weeks Ben has hurt DC, they can't pretend Ben is not involved

breatheslowly · 07/03/2014 23:22

Children themselves label other children. My 3 yo claimed that a boy pushed her, the same boy who (probably accidentally) gave her a black eye. On the day that she claimed he pushed her, he wasn't actually in nursery. It does put the nursery in a difficult position.

Piscivorus · 07/03/2014 23:40

It's a sad but true fact that some parents are just pillocks.

My DS had to go to hospital after a violent assault by a pupil in Y6, his parents never apologised or even acknowledged the incident to us (although they did manage to go to the head with a sob story about their DS to get him off)
In Y7 the same boy physically attacked another boy, breaking his ankle. Again his parents never acknowledged anything to the other parents who were understandably distraught but, again, they managed to spin the sob story to the school.
An apology or explanation would have meant a lot on either occasion
Luckily both my DS and the broken ankle boy moved to another local school with better discipline and a less gullible headmaster.

Abitlikechicken · 08/03/2014 06:53

Don't nurseries usually usually leave names out of it when telling parents about an incident? In case of parental retribution? Certainly they have when my DD has been bitten/scratched/sand thrown at her. then we get home and she tells me anyway

Misspixietrix · 08/03/2014 07:47

abitlikechicken yes they do. Although 9/10 times it's not the school that tells you it's the kid! .

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 07:56

Also. One story was that she banged heads with another child. He might well have been hurt too.
You justdont know

Original poster

curiousgeorgie · 08/03/2014 08:00

He wasn't taken to the office. His mother wasn't called. He didn't have to go to hospital. There doesn't appear to be a mark on him.

My daughter doesn't push or trample on people. She can't, she doesn't have the muscle tone or strength.

That's what I do know.

OP posts:

Misspixietrix · 08/03/2014 08:15

fighting I understand what you are saying but not ALL mums are like that. Ones PFB hit my Dd In a queue at Christmas. I told her. Her reply was not a sorry or a short 'stop it' to PFB it was 'we'll just leave it x is ONLY 4'. When I pointed out that my Ds is the same age but it doesnt stop me from teaching him right from wrong I got a mouthful of abuse . I think this is why OP is so cross. Said Lady reminds me of queue twat mum.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/03/2014 10:26

curiousgeorge be in no doubt that I think this was traumatic for your daughter and upsetting for you. If my DS had hurt someone, even by accident, then I would have made an apology/ enquiry about the injured party.
But you've said yourself that theres a lack of clarity about the incident details.
You don't know what happened. You don't know what it was like for the other child or his DM.

Jux · 08/03/2014 12:14

Curiousgeorge, make no mistake, the other mum should have apologised and enquired after your dd.

Perhaps when you next see her, you could - peaceably! - ask her about her son? Assume the best, that it was an accident and he didn't mean to hurt her (whether you believe it or not), and it could give her an opening to talk to you and apologise.

Supercosy · 08/03/2014 12:30

Your poor Dd. Of course the other parent should have said something to you. I'm sure she was mortified, I know I would've been in pieces but it doesn't excuse the way she acted. I don't blame you for feeling upset. I hope your Dd feels better soon.

NewtRipley · 08/03/2014 12:41

Fighting

I think that as adults we need to get over our embarrassment and give a heartfelt sorry or at the very least show concern for other children, even of we don't want to admit culpabilit for an accident.

My Ds1 was a biter and a pusher as a toddler, and yes, it is awful. You feel like a failure and that your parenting is at fault, or at least other people think that. But what pisses people of more than anything is the lack of an apology.

NewtRipley · 08/03/2014 12:41

Culpability

Misspixietrix · 08/03/2014 13:35

,what pisses people off more than anything is a lack of apology . Precisely Newt and precisely why PFB queue mum got a right bloody gobful from me.

differentnameforthis · 08/03/2014 14:09

Mostlymama...I think 'beating up' sounds a bit harsh...they are toddlers!

What would you call stepping on the side of her face while she was on the floor? Playing?

I'm the first to say that they are only toddlers, but pushing her down & treading on her face is not an accident.

differentnameforthis · 08/03/2014 14:15

I think you are being a bit pressure, she'll rub her face up the tarmac a good few times at school before she's done.

Eh? So because she will hurt herself by falling etc, the op is being precious because she is upset by this & the fact that her daughter spent time in A&E over it??

I'm not sure why the mum should apologise.Why i it her fault? Because her child hurt another child in an incident that wasn't an accident. It's the right thing to do.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/03/2014 14:18

Oh I know that type, the victim blaming kind!

Unless she's exceptionally bad at communicating and was trying to open up a conversation where she says how mortified she was and how difficult to deal with etc.

Blaming 'the incident' for not getting together a costume is rather pathetic. I am disabled, mid recruiting help as I'm without currently, was in a hotel due to builders decimating house and had just found out it will take weeks not days as planned... And you know what? I managed to get together a costume for my Ds, as I wanted to make sure he had fun and normality as a crazy time. So it strikes me as particularly lame to blame your child hurting another child ... Especially as you had a costume after all that! Grrr, winds me up!

BudsBeginingSpringinSight · 08/03/2014 14:24

I would be mortified if my child had caused such an injury in another. I have always been hot on this.

I except my DC to respect other dc and vice versa.

Acccident or no, I would be humbly apologising for my childs actions.

LimitedEditionLady · 08/03/2014 16:57

To be fair im pretty understanding and when a child has hit mine it hasnt riled me.Some children do this and it doesnt mean theyre bad kids or have rubbish parents.What does madden me however is when the parent doesnt raise the point to their child or show any acknowledgement of them hitting a child.

waltermittymissus · 08/03/2014 19:25

daisy that sounds very hard for you and your ds and I'm glad you've found him a school that will do him the world of good.

However, this is certainly not always the case.

Sometimes kids are NT brats and sometimes parents don't give a shit!

I don't think those types of parents do themselves or their children any favours!

and very quickly I was isolated and yes probably came across as defensive

I think this is very said but in most cases friendliness and not defensiveness goes a very long way.

dayshiftdoris · 10/03/2014 05:09

The incident when he pushed the child on the bench happened early on in the school year... Our card was marked.

No one ever approached me... My son was NEVER invited to parties - I did not know who the majority of the children or parents were. I didn't know who he had had incidents with... I would strike up conversation to be blanked completely 9 times out of 10 - probably because he had hurt their child and I wasn't aware (he's not good at verbalising!).

When I talked to staff and my friends I was definitely in denial and defensive but to turn it around to say I should have been friendly shows a distinct lack of understanding of the situation I was in.

That all said I met a couple of really good people in that school yard, including my best friend... Those people are the 1 out of 10 who responded to my friendliness and they heard some serious shit about my child, one of them was frosted out because of her friendship with me

In a different school it was smaller - I was on first name terms by the time he left there with 80% of the parents... Do you think I was less isolated?
I was always on the back foot because I often didn't know the whole story or who it involved because I got the censored school version.

He still wasn't invited to parties and I still didn't know who he had incidents with as he struggles to verbalise... It was just as miserable, I was just in just as impossible a situation of not knowing who I should be apologising to but this time THEY knew where to come and I had made myself approachable and because I was 'friendly' they felt it was ok to berate me for the lack of behaviour management in the school and say things like 'it's hard that your child has special needs but my child has the right to an education - perhaps your son should go elsewhere?'

Friendliness is not the answer - what I needed at that point was a) support for my child and b) a professional to gently start taking me down the road of 'there might be a problem'

It's that journey that has changed things - not where I am in the hierarchy of the playground

NobodyLivesHere · 10/03/2014 06:09

It's assuming a lot to say this child deliberately stood on your DD's face. You don't know what the other parent has been told about the incident, she may not know how serious it was.

BookABooSue · 10/03/2014 12:20

curiousgeorgie you're fairly new to this nursery and I think most people on this thread are just trying to prepare you for what nursery can be like.

Unless you have an absolutely brilliant nursery then there are going to be incidents; you're not going to get the full story about what happens; your dc will have accidents and may even cause other people to be hurt. This is the new stage your dd is entering and yes, I understand that it's traumatic that your dd had to go to hospital but really, what everyone's experiences on this thread are showing, is that you can't assume anything about what happened, why it happened and what information the other parents received.

My dc was kicked in the face quite early in his nursery career. It was an accident. The other child was distraught that they had hurt him. (I know all this because I was going to a meeting in the adjacent school and actually witnessed the aftermath of the incident - lots of tears on the part of both dcs.)

The parents of the dc who hurt my dc are lovely people but they never acknowledged that incident to us. According to our nursery policy they shouldn't have been told who their dc had hurt. Anyway, the point I'm making is that I know they are a nice family, the dc is generally kind and gentle, there have never been any other incidents. You have made massive leaps about what happened and about the other dm.

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