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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this parent was rude? (And unreasonable!)

150 replies

curiousgeorgie · 06/03/2014 12:44

Took DD to nursery today... Yesterday she had a bad fall resulting in A&E for the day (the nursery called me to take her) and they had said to keep her off for the rest of the week but she was desperate to go today and wear her costume. She's looking a bit beaten up with a huge fat lip, graze on her forehead and bruise on her cheek. The nursery teacher told me that it was due to another boy pushing her to the floor and stepping on the side of her face (!!).. I get that accidents happen, but still annoying. I was informed that his mother would have to sign a form that an incident took place.

The parent in question turned up today and totally ignored me, her son wasn't dressed up and another mother asked her if she hasn't known about it, and she said 'yes, but with the stress of yesterday with seeing Mrs X about that girl... and how upset he was I just couldn't get a costume together!'

Well, her son doesn't have a mark on him, and my DD did nothing. So how he's stressed I have no idea. 'That girl' was nice too!

If it had been the other way round I wouldn't have made a big deal, or I would have apologised.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 08:50

Ah poor little thing. Having your lip stitched is not nice. Sad

comedycentral · 07/03/2014 09:14

No idea why people are picking your post apart so much and being so rude!

Your poor DD, you are not being precious & she should have apologised.

MintyChops · 07/03/2014 09:37

YANBU, she sounds like someone utterly lacking in basic manners. Any normal person would at the very least ask how your DD is, not start bleating about being unable to drum up a costume due to the stress of diddums getting caught hurting someone. Stupid rude disorganised woman. Hope your DD's feeling better today.

hackmum · 07/03/2014 09:41

Crikey, there are some really weird responses on here. People think it's OK for the other mum to say she was stressed? Really? I'd say that was the very definition of solipsism - her child has badly injured another child, and instead of feeling upset about the injured child, and apologising to the child's mother, she's wrapped up in her own feelings.

So YANBU. And I'd be pretty pissed off with the nursery for not looking after your child properly too.

KinderBoris · 07/03/2014 09:42

I'm sorry that happened to your daughter and hope she is ok but I would be tremendously stressed and worried if one of mine had hurt somebody else badly and there is a good chance the nursery won't have told the parents who it was due to confidentiality. My dc have both bitten and been bitten at day nursery and the parents are never told which child was involved. Is this a nursery attached to a school (3/4 year olds) or a day nursery (younger children)?

SebbysMum · 07/03/2014 09:46

Our nursery has a strict policy of not naming victim or perpetrator so maybe she didn't know it was your daughter?

Also I would have been upset and maybe a bit stressed if my son had done that

kotinka · 07/03/2014 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 07/03/2014 09:49

If I was called by the nursery because my DS had injured another child I'd be extremely upset, stressed and probably crying. What an awful scenario to have to deal with.

You too had a very difficult and stressful time with your poor DD, but that doesn't mean it wasn't stressful for the other mum.

dayshiftdoris · 07/03/2014 10:14

Just to add to what Isitmeor said...

My son is 9yrs old - ASD and challenging behaviours. I am 'that' mum and children have needed hospital treatment due to incidents with my son Hmm

I have NEVER been told the name of the child by the setting - EVER.

My son has only shared the information in the last year or so as to who was involved.

I did worse than that mum - I said hello to a mum standing nearby when son was in reception, she was a bit frosty and when he don came out he had steri-strips and a black eye so I said 'oh no someone has been in the wars'.... Then I say the teacher waving me over... Yep TWO days previously my son had pushed the boy off a bench - they had waited until my day to pick up (I was working at the time!) to tell me...

Nice to have it confirmed on mumsnet that the vitriol that I picked up from the other parents towards my 4year old and I was not imagined.

It is awful to have your child hurt another and I very often have not known who the other parent is to apologise. I have when I have known and taken all manner of shit for apologising and explaining how we are tackling his behaviours.
I know my son is demonised by parents and staff - I know he's labelled. I know I am looked down on because people lump me with a group of parents who don't give a shit.

Hopefully at 14 we won't have the issue because we work on it every day and it's taking so long because he doesn't process in a normal way.

Perhaps OP you should approach the mum and gently say it was your DD who was hurt. Say you hoped it was being dealt with by nursery and then draw a line and move on. You don't have to be best buds or offer support but lifting the tension at the school gate is a very grown up and kind thing to do

bruffin · 07/03/2014 10:17

She may have been stressed,but by saying "that girl" she is blaming the ops dd for her stress which is where she is in the wrong.

grownoutofglitter · 07/03/2014 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 18:19

bruffin what nonsense.

bruffin · 07/03/2014 18:33

Really Amanda, why is it nonsense?
It was stressful, but she said "that girl" which is very pointed way of talking and hardly sympathetic to an injured child.

LimitedEditionLady · 07/03/2014 18:35

God forbid if my ds did that,id apologise over and over for him,id make him say sorry to her and her mum,id make him make a card to say sorry and I wouldnt feel sorry for myself.

SauceForTheGander · 07/03/2014 18:39

Good post from dayshiftdoris - I expect the DCs will playing nicely again before the parents have sorted out their differences.

It's awful when your DC is hurt, or is the one to blame. We have to be the grown ups though. OP - you do seem determined that this other mother doesn't give a toss that your child was hurt. Maybe that is the case - none of us actually know. You must make an appointment to talk to the nursery about how they ensure this never happens again. You should also ask them why you were made aware which child was to blame because they have broken the rules of nursery my DCs have attended.

bruffin · 07/03/2014 18:47

"You should also ask them why you were made aware which child was to blame because they have broken the rules of nursery my DCs have attended."
A 4 year old would know who hurt her, is she going to be sworn to secrecy?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 18:50

Oh we're you there?did you hear the tone or emphasis of that "pointed" comment?
If you were there and her meaning was clear, then I apologise for being presumtious.

bruffin · 07/03/2014 18:51

DOnt be ridiculous, you obviously have some odd issues.

No i wsnt there , but i dont know anyone who would refer to "that girl" its not a nice way of talking

whyyougottabe · 07/03/2014 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 18:55

I wouldbe very upset if my DC had been hurt like that.
But I might well be very upset if my DC had hurt someone.
OPs child was the victim. But I would imagine it was upsetting for everyone. Especially as it seems to have been an ACCIDENT!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 19:01

No issues. But thanks for the personal insult.
It's perfectly possible to use the words "that girl" without them being a pointed comment with unpleasant subtext.

waltermittymissus · 07/03/2014 19:08

My DS is unfortunately having ongoing behaviour problems, which mean that he has hurt other children at school (he's in reception)

Is it possible that this is colouring your view?

A little boy in dd's class was really awful to the other children and the teacher for months at the start of the year: biting, pushing, choking, damaging property etc.

I don't know if he has behavioural problems or not.

I do know that the longer it went on the less the mum seemed to care and the more the excuses were bandied about. In the end it came to a head when she accused the principal of bullying her son.

I'll never understand why she wasn't just nicer to people, in general and in relation to the incidents. I'm sure it would have made her life a little easier, made her seem friendlier and more approachable.

As it is, her ds seems quite isolated from the other children and I've seen her ask children over to be rebuffed over and over again.

It's very sad but I do think it's her own doing a bit!

Jux · 07/03/2014 19:20

My dd's face was scratched at nursery, really close to her eye, and it bled a fair bit apparently. They took me aside at pick up time. Not serious enough for hospital, in fact done and dusted by the time I was there. I was told who had done it and I was told how he was 'punished' (he wasn't really, it was an accident).

As it happens, his mum made a bee line for me the next time she saw me and gave me a posy of flowers and apologised. The boy himself was one of the gentlest, sweetest children you could hope to meet, and his mum was lovely. I wasn't upset or worried. I didn't need the apology or the flowers, but they were really nice to have.

Maybe next time she sees you she'll do the decent thing; perhaps she was taken by surprise that you were there as she'd expected your dd to be off for the rest of the week?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/03/2014 19:25

Jux yes. I think an apology would be nice.
Sometimes hearing a "sorry" can help calm the upset over things like this.

Jux · 07/03/2014 21:23

TBH, I would be wondering about their homelife. Has the boy learnt that sort of behaviour from his dad? Has she forgotten about apologies because no one ever apologises to her? Does she have to brazen things put because if she didn't she'd fall apart?

I know I am a bit mental. Don't listen to me.