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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this parent was rude? (And unreasonable!)

150 replies

curiousgeorgie · 06/03/2014 12:44

Took DD to nursery today... Yesterday she had a bad fall resulting in A&E for the day (the nursery called me to take her) and they had said to keep her off for the rest of the week but she was desperate to go today and wear her costume. She's looking a bit beaten up with a huge fat lip, graze on her forehead and bruise on her cheek. The nursery teacher told me that it was due to another boy pushing her to the floor and stepping on the side of her face (!!).. I get that accidents happen, but still annoying. I was informed that his mother would have to sign a form that an incident took place.

The parent in question turned up today and totally ignored me, her son wasn't dressed up and another mother asked her if she hasn't known about it, and she said 'yes, but with the stress of yesterday with seeing Mrs X about that girl... and how upset he was I just couldn't get a costume together!'

Well, her son doesn't have a mark on him, and my DD did nothing. So how he's stressed I have no idea. 'That girl' was nice too!

If it had been the other way round I wouldn't have made a big deal, or I would have apologised.

AIBU?

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 06/03/2014 14:13

YABU because she wasn't talking to you. You shouldn't have been listening in to her conversation and if it offended you, that's down to you really. To me it just sounds like a hurried snatched line at drop-off, which would make sense if she was too stressed to do the costume thing - and it's not playing the victim to say that the incident caused her stress, it is stressful dealing with your DC if they hurt someone. In drop-off mode, other kids' names aren't at the forefront of people's minds. I know I'm rubbish at summoning up the right names and even call my two sons by each other's names so 'that girl' is an acceptable substitution not an insult. It would've been rude if she'd said it to you, but that brings me back to the key point. You shouldn't have been listening.

Whether she should have apologised to you and your DD is another matter, but I think most nurseries encourage you to deal with matters through them, not amongst each other, which is usually for the best.

RiverTam · 06/03/2014 14:15

fair enough - but still, if she saw you with other people she may have been to embarrassed to say anything - but she might at another, more appropriate time.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 06/03/2014 14:16

Pink delight, it's a tiny handful of people waiting at one little gate, it's not a massive playground. And from where she stood and addressed the others, I was closer to her than they were!

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 06/03/2014 14:17

The op was standing in a group of 5 mums at the entrance. She could hardly help hearing.

KirjavaTheCat · 06/03/2014 14:18

Did she see your daughter?

Feminine · 06/03/2014 14:20

If she didn't say anything this morning, I'll bet she never does.

Have a chat with the pre-school workers to see how they work toward accidents like this happening. I know they can't prevent incidents like what happened to your DD, but...it may reassure you to know they will keep a firmer look out Wink

You might find that makes you feel more at ease.

OwlCapone · 06/03/2014 14:21

You are definitely making a big deal out of it.

DS2 was once hospitalised for 3 days on IV antibiotics after an incident with his friend. The friend was very upset and I bet the other mother was very stressed. There is no monopoly. The only thing that mattered to me was that my DS was OK.

Clearly your DD is fine as you've sent her to nursery against specific medical advice so just hold onto that and move on. Stop looking for more hurt and stress - it's really not worth it.

TheWitTank · 06/03/2014 14:23

I'm wondering as you still haven't had an accurate version of events, maybe this mum has heard something different? Could there have been a squabble beforehand? Could your DD have pushed first? Of course, she may just be bloody rude! Whatever the situation, I would always go and ask after the child.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 06/03/2014 14:25

Kirjava - yes she did. My DD is smaller than most of the others and due to a health problem not very good at rough play and is very weak. I get that. I've learnt to take it well when she is knocked down etc, but this just seemed excessive.

And I know I went against medical advice but I contacted the nursery this morning (only live 2 minutes away) and asked if they were happy for her to come in to bring the sweets for book day and get a chance to wear her costume and they said it was fine.

OP posts:
OpalQuartz · 06/03/2014 14:26

She should at least ask how your dd is, but I wouldn't hold your breath unfortunately.

ziggiestardust · 06/03/2014 14:27

owl you sound like you're suggesting the OP's DD's health wasn't her first concern?

I think it's pretty obvious the mother of the other child in this incident is pretty self absorbed. Very 'oh poor me, I was so distressed...' Yeah, bet the OP and her DD were pretty distressed as well Hmm

Honesty OP, some people would be telling you YABU whatever this little boy had done to your DD Hmm

LittleMissSunshine89 · 06/03/2014 14:28

He pushed her to the floor and stepped on her face Shock i hope your little girl is ok poor wee mite. Shame on that mum. If it was my son i would of been mortified and made him apologise not made a big deal out of a stupid costume!

ziggiestardust · 06/03/2014 14:29

And she should absolutely should have apologised for her DS' poor behaviour. I'd be horrified if my DS did that to another child to the point they required A&E.

ziggiestardust · 06/03/2014 14:30

Agree littlemisssunshine

ZanyMobster · 06/03/2014 14:35

The nursery should not have mentioned names to either parents, I have given warnings to my staff for doing this. That would have avoided this issue with the other parent!

ThefutureMrsTatum · 06/03/2014 14:36

If he behaves like that at 4, one can only assume what he'll behave like at 14. The mother should have apologised and made her son apologise too, not doing so is making him think it's ok, and "accidents happen". And she has turned it round on you, her child isn't dressed up and thats apparently YOUR fault. Stupid woman.

ZanyMobster · 06/03/2014 14:36

BTW - if my DS had done this and I had known about ti I would have apologised to you. SHe should not have acted like this but what I meant by my post was that if nursery had followed proper procedure neither parent would have known who was involved.

IsItMeOr · 06/03/2014 14:40

OP - OFSTED rules are that you should not be told who hurt your DD, precisely to avoid parents escalating the situation. If you reflect on your reaction, you might see why they give that advice.

My DS is unfortunately having ongoing behaviour problems, which mean that he has hurt other children at school (he's in reception).

I can assure you that:
(a) it is incredibly stressful as a parent to hear that your DC is hurting other children
(b) it is very upsetting for a DC to hurt other children
(c) it is incredibly isolating to be that parent, and hard to know what to say to other parents because you know that some of them will be judging you, and
(d) it is not necessarily anything to do with the child's parenting

Hope your DD is feeling much better soon.

insanelycheerful · 06/03/2014 14:42

I am surprised that it is nursery policy to tell you the name of the boy that was involved, and for them to tell his mum that there was an incident with your daughter. At my son's nursery they only report the incident, not who it involved, and I think this is far preferable (not least to avoid situations like yours with awkwardness at drop off etc). As far as I am aware the policy at our nursery is common to all nurseries locally.

It is a shame she didn't take the opportunity to broach this with you, but assuming she does definitely know it was your daughter I can only guess that she felt uncomfortable approaching you about it in front of an audience of parents and children (which I could forgive her for).

OwlCapone · 06/03/2014 14:42

owl you sound like you're suggesting the OP's DD's health wasn't her first concern?

No I'm not.

I think it's pretty obvious the mother of the other child in this incident is pretty self absorbed. Very 'oh poor me, I was so distressed...' Yeah, bet the OP and her DD were pretty distressed as well

No, from the information we have she appears to have simply answered a question. That she should have apologised, however, is a given.

Honesty OP, some people would be telling you YABU whatever this little boy had done to your DD

Nonsense.

notso · 06/03/2014 14:42

Actually you don't know he pushed her and neither does OP LittleMissSunshine OP has had two explanations so nobody knows exactly what happens.
These are little children who tend to be somewhat clumsy and are not always paying attention.
Nasty for OP and her DD but also nasty for the boy and his Mother.
I think the nursery were unprofessional to give names out and I think OP should have listened to the hospitals advice and kept her DD at home. Whether the a Nursery were ok with it or not.

insanelycheerful · 06/03/2014 14:43

Isitmeor makes v good points above I see.

Cravey · 06/03/2014 14:44

I would be more concerned at the fact that nursery don't seem to know what's going on with the kids that attend. Three different answers as to what happened is simply not on. Have to say if was the said parent I would have apologised.

MorningTimes · 06/03/2014 14:50

The staff shouldn't have told you the name of the other child.

They don't seem to be aware of data protection law & they aren't clear about what happened to your DD. These things would make me question the safety of the setting & I would be looking at other nurseries.

I hope your DD is a lot better soon, it sounds very upsetting.

ziggiestardust · 06/03/2014 14:51

DS2 was once hospitalised for 3 days on IV antibiotics after an incident with his friend. The friend was very upset and I bet the other mother was very stressed. There is no monopoly. The only thing that mattered to me was that my DS was OK.

Yes you do, tbh. Right there. I think you sound quite snidey towards the OP there actually.

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