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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider an abortion?

90 replies

ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 08:45

I'm 12+ weeks pregnant (unplanned). This is child number 3. My husband last week has just gone back to his old job, meaning I had to stop my business to look after the children (he was a SAHD but at his work he can earn double what I can). I am suffering from hyperemesis and have done with all of my pregnancies, and now I feel like PND is creeping it's ugly head in. I spent all of last night in tears wondering how I'm going to cope with a newborn, a two year old and a just turned four year old...how am I meant to be doing the school run if the baby is due it's breakfast (bf)? I genuinely don't think I can cope and I feel if I continue with this pregnancy I'll end up resenting my husband and snapping at my existing children. I guess I just feel things would run smoother if this baby wasn't happening. I'm sick of feeling sick and tired and run down to the extend where I can't even be a decent SAHM because I genuinely don't even feel up to driving most days. My husband is fully supportive of whatever is best for me. Please know judgemental posts, I'm really on the edge today.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 06/03/2014 08:48

Hello Exquisite. I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm sure you will get a lot of support on here and (I sincerely hope!) no judgemental posts.

Before you make a decision, would you feel able to discuss how you're feeling with your GP? Depression (post-natal) or otherwise can really affect how you see things and your ability to cope on a day to day basis. It sounds like you have experience of this.

So perhaps a GP visit to address the depression would be worth considering, whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy.

Or perhaps you have a health visitor that you get on well with?

Thanks for you, keep posting.

slowcomputer · 06/03/2014 08:50

YANBU to consider it and YWBU to do it if that is the best thing for you and your family as a whole. So don't listen to anyone who tells you it's wrong, evil etc. But you need to get a move on with your decision making so I think a long chat with your husband is in order. How would you feel if you were now a week or two post abortion? Pleased or sad?

slowcomputer · 06/03/2014 08:50

sorry sorry sorry that should say YWNBU to do it! bloody abbreviations.

ohfourfoxache · 06/03/2014 08:51

No advice, just wanted to send (((((hugs)))))

Are you getting any support for pnd?

PandaFeet · 06/03/2014 08:52

No judging here.

Have you felt like this since you found out you were pregnant or are you having these thoughts because you are exhausted and feeling sick?

This baby was unplanned, but was a third always out of the question?

You have all the options, and I'm not trying to sway you into keeping it.

Original poster
ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 08:52

Thanks :) I couldn't get an appointment at my GPs today (they offering appointments every morning but get snapped up super fast) however I'm registered with my MW so perhaps she can get me in to speak to someone? I'm concerned I'll get flooded with support and anti depressants which might not be a long term help when a newborn is thrust upon me. I had PND with my second, yes. I was happy with the pregnancy until knowing it'll be me staying at home and suddenly a flood of anxiety has covered me. I'm more concerned with the procedure than I am about ending the pregnancy, which sort of clarifies it to me. I'm worried the longer it takes to make the decision the worse it is for the foetus.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 08:55

My husband suggested a nanny, but I don't feel I want to have a child to then depend upon someone else because I can't cope (it isn't as though I'd be returning to work and need to rely on the childcare). I'm telling my mother later on today but I know she'll be supportive and be more like "I can take the existing children to school when the baby comes" and give me more solutions, which at the time might not stand up. I don't know why I feel so alone, my husband is really supportive and hands on but I know ultimately it's my decision.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 08:57

The third wasn't out of the question, but we wanted a few more years and then would decide. When we found out about this one my husband said he'd think about a vasectomy. I find staying at home with children really challenging so I think the pressure of a newborn on that is making it all the more daunting.

Sorry for replying in bits I'm reading as I go.

OP posts:
allisgood1 · 06/03/2014 08:58

Request put in to move this thread to antenatal tests and choices. This isn't for AIBU.

PandaFeet · 06/03/2014 08:58

If your husband suggested a nanny then I assume you could afford some childcare for the 2 year old for a few hours a day until they started pre school? And your oldest would be at school?

Though, I really don't like being a SAHM so I do completely see why you feel you might not cope.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 06/03/2014 08:59

YANBU and you're doing the right thing to seek advice. Though I wonder if you are hopi g for people to ralk you out of it by posting on AIBU. It needs to be a well thought through decision that you are happy with, not something to decide after one ghastly sleepless night.

Do see a doctor and check to see it there is any underlying cause for feelings of depression. Anemia and low thyroid can worsten during pregnancy (don't be fobbed off if your test results come back as 'normal'. Do check to see if your levels are only just in the 'normal' range as it can make you feel crap to be just a but low during pregnancy.) Alao seek counselling to talk the decision over with someone impartial.

HarderToKidnap · 06/03/2014 09:00

You're getting late now for an NHS abortion. Every trust is different in what they offer but I've not worked in one where abortion is available post 14 weeks. I would self refer to a Marie Stopes or BPAS clinic.

curiousuze · 06/03/2014 09:04

YANBU. There is a great helpline you can consult if you are feeling conflicted - try taking a look at the Marie Stopes website.

Original poster
ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 09:04

Harder I'm not beyond 14 weeks, I'm 12 so I think I'm within the cut off period. I posted here because of the high traffic and I'm really at a loss right now, and isn't something I can discuss with too many RL friends. My MW warned me that due to hormones PND can come back throughout pregnancy, and if this is a taster then it's pretty horrid for what's to come.

I guess I just want reassurance that I'm not doing this because I'm horribly selfish.

OP posts:
NannyLouise29 · 06/03/2014 09:05

You are obviously entitled to feel how you feel about having a nanny, however I know so many SAHM who have one. From a nanny's perspective it's all about making the mum's life easier, even if it was only for the first year to help with the little baby stage.

If you find being at home with kids challenging then a nanny may allow you the breathing room to actually enjoy it. Plus, having a regular break will I'm sure allow you to be the best mum you could be.

No judgement here, just perhaps something to consider.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 06/03/2014 09:06

Sorry op, cross posted with you (and sorry for my typos).

Good idea to move thread from AIBU!

Whatever you decide, there is plenty of support here. I support your right to choose.

Another thing to consider which is often overlooked is your own age (in the sense that leaving it later can make it harder to conceive for some people, even for a 3rd child). Take into consideration your own medical history and family medical history.

MrsPixieMoo · 06/03/2014 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

curiousuze · 06/03/2014 09:07

Also I've had two - one at 6 weeks and one at 14 weeks so let me know if you want info.

HarderToKidnap · 06/03/2014 09:08

12 is the cut off for some places, and when you factor in referral time etc you could even go over 14.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 06/03/2014 09:09

OP, after a year without sex we decided on a vasectemy. It wasn't because we were horribly selfish. If I had had the thyroid hormones I needed it might have been a different story.

TheMaw · 06/03/2014 09:10

YADNBU, you have to do what's best for you and your family. No advice except keep trying to get an appointment with your GP to talk through your options.

Original poster
ExquisiteChristmasCakes · 06/03/2014 09:13

Harder, my HV when talking in general said a referral takes around 48 hours. I'm not concerned about that, I can always go private, I don't doubt the NHS can do it though. It's the procedure and I want to make sure the reasons I'm doing it are the right ones. Will I forever regret it? I don't think I'll want to go on to have any more children, I'm 28 this year and early menopause runs in my family so this would be the last chance, but I'm satisfied with the two we have.

OP posts:
Offler · 06/03/2014 09:15

OP - you are not being horrible selfish, and you are NBU for considering this at all, only you know what you can cope with. My SIL had a termination of her 3rd as she had the same fears. One thing you must consider though is that your hormones are all over the place and could be clouding your judgement (making you panic). I know my SIL was in a very dark place, but once the termination had taken place and the hormonal turbulence had gone, she was left wondering if she had done the right thing as her mind was clearer and the panic had gone. (FWIW, she did do the right thing IMO). You must get some proper counselling on this.

You need to speak with your GP and midwife ASAP to discuss your options as right now time is of the essence. As you are past 12 weeks, it wont be a medical termination, but a surgical one, which is something to consider in itself.

All the best x

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 06/03/2014 09:19

ECC I'm firmly in the Right to Choose camp. No-one has the right to tell you that it is morally wrong to choose abortion or unfair on your DC not to.

The way I see things though- you are 12 weeks. When did you find out? Have you been thinking and considering for the past 6-8 weeks? If you have been, I think you have your answer. If you have to wrestle with the idea of abortion, it's not for you.

Your DC - you can get help. A Nanny would be ideal, especially in the early days.
You DC1 will be 4.6 and settling into school soon.

The feeding- you'll get a routine (I used to drop DH at work and my DC1 woke at 5am -after keeping me awake most of the night- and we worked round before and after dropping DH off. When I had DC2, I had 2 drop-offs to do)

I know nobody can give you the answers. You need to work out what's right for you and your family.
Good Luck.

ohfourfoxache · 06/03/2014 09:20

It's a decision only you can make, I'm afraid Sad

This is going to sound ridiculous, and I'm sure you have already, but have you considered how you will feel in a few months if you do/don't? Thought about what life will be like either way?

I'm so sorry, that looks so pathetic written down

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