To consider an abortion?

[ExquisiteChristmasCakes]

I'm 12+ weeks pregnant (unplanned). This is child number 3. My husband last week has just gone back to his old job, meaning I had to stop my business to look after the children (he was a SAHD but at his work he can earn double what I can). I am suffering from hyperemesis and have done with all of my pregnancies, and now I feel like PND is creeping it's ugly head in. I spent all of last night in tears wondering how I'm going to cope with a newborn, a two year old and a just turned four year old...how am I meant to be doing the school run if the baby is due it's breakfast (bf)? I genuinely don't think I can cope and I feel if I continue with this pregnancy I'll end up resenting my husband and snapping at my existing children. I guess I just feel things would run smoother if this baby wasn't happening. I'm sick of feeling sick and tired and run down to the extend where I can't even be a decent SAHM because I genuinely don't even feel up to driving most days. My husband is fully supportive of whatever is best for me. Please know judgemental posts, I'm really on the edge today.

[thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw]

On balance, yes.

But I think I would have been born as a different person. I think my soul would have gone "back" and been born in a different place.

I'm sorry, this is me talking rubbish. I just wanted to offer OP the thought that if the family she has is already working, then perhaps it is worth protecting the status quo.

[stuckindamiddle]

seacows - that's very sad and must be difficult for you but are you really saying you wish you hadn't been born?

[thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw]

Exquisite, I am the 3rd child in my family and I never once in my life felt wanted by my mother. Reading your post, I wondered if she would have written something similar all those years ago.

If your family is complete at 2 and you are happy and coping, then you should feel no guilt at all in terminating.

[Fruli]

NU to consider it, not at all. But you have to look at why you're considering it and whether or not it's the only option. Sickness may well shift soon, the dark cloud of depression needs help but will shift - do you still not want to continue without these to enormous factors? As for BF on the school run...sling? Top-up before going? Lift-share with friends and neighbours? DH do some? Help from CM/nanny/au pair? Lots of potential solutions. I don't think having some help is 'palming off the kids'. That would be giving them over the second they were born and not seeing them again until their wedding day might be exaggerating there

FWIW, I recently miscarried. Probably 7+ weeks. I was fairly ambivalent about the pregnancy for various reasons but now it's gone, I know I wanted it.

[Bushbb]

when i was suffering with hyperemesis with my 3rd there were quite a few points when i thought i would abort - I chose not to in the end, but wanted to say I understand how you are feeling x

[SuperScrimper]

I really don't think this should be in AIBU. There is a whole topic for this sort of thing.

[flyingspaghettimonster]

It is your choice. 12+ weeks is quite far in though... I am not pro-life, but unless your health is really going to suffer and you are sure the sickness isn't just going to stop in the next few weeks, I would have thought it was better to continue the pregnancy.

[MrsSeanBean1]

Just a quick note about hyperemesis. Mine was very very severe and caused me to slip into depression. I was put on a drug widely used in America called Zofran. It is actually an anti sickness drug used during chemo but has been used for years in the US for morning sickness so it is safe. It was a miracle drug for me and took the sickness away, allowing me to think straight again. Might be worth a go x

[Newgoldheelsrock]

Sorry *pnd!

[Newgoldheelsrock]

OP I am pregnant with my third. Like you I had PNFafter both babies. This one was planned but we didn't think it would happen quite so soon.

I think you need to talk through everything with a professional before you make any decisions. Your worries about "palming the kids off" for example, is illogical. Perhaps that's the depression talking, a desire to make everything "perfect" and be "the perfect mum". No such thing! Everyone needs all the help they can get- this is an open secret surely!

Your mental and emotional health are as important as your physical health- sorry if that's stating the obvious- but all of these will probably suffer if you try to do it completely alone.

Everyone says the third one is the easiest because it has to be.

I would worry about you having regrets further down the road especially if you always talked of three.

[nerofiend]

Dear OP, I was in a very similar situation when I fell pregnant the third time, and did have an abortion as I didn't feel I could handle another pregnancy neither from a physical or psychological point of view.

It's your body and your mind, so you have to listen to them both. My second one was 10 months when that happened and my DP and I knew we didn't want more children.

It's a hard decision to make and the answer is only in your hands, but whatever decision you take, you should feel at peace with yourself, and don't let anyone or anything make you feel guilty about it.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I do think that 12 weeks is really really hard part of pregnancy. You feel sick and exhausted all the time, your clothes are starting to feel a teeny bit uncomfortable and no one makes any allowances because they don't know.

Both my children were very planned but I still had "what have I done?" feelings at 12 weeks. From about 14 weeks onwards I loved pregnancy but up until that point was awful.

One thing I looked at when I was pregnant with dc2 was getting a babysitter for the odd afternoon. My plan was that they would play the role of second parent while dh was at work. I would still be there and taking care of them but if I needed the toilet or to put the washing on or just to hide in the kitchen eating cake then there would be someone else also there to help. A bit of a google showed that there are loads of students who are desperate to do this. In the end I didn't need to but it comforted me when I was terrified during my second pregnancy.

I also think you need to try and get some childcare right now and go back to bed / out with your dh / swimming / shopping for a couple of days. You have an enormous decision to make and ou need space and time to make it.

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

I'm really sorry you are feeling so low.

If it's the same as the post natal depression you had, then I'd say it's probably mostly that. It's likely to be anxiety about these things magnified, iyswim.

As far as palming off your children I'd only say that was the case if you had someone all the time. If you had someone who helped out say from 8-11 during the week and then did it yourself during the weekends, I don't see that as palming off at all. What about those houses where both parents work? You aren't doing anything wrong. It will be you that your baby has an attachment to.

That being said I would talk to a professional about how you are feeling. As far as I'm aware the whole procedure after 9/10 weeks is surgical, which makes it a bit more complicated but you'll be given correct information so that you and your partner can make a good decision.

I hope you come to the right conclusion for you all.

What a horrible way to feel. :(

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

Oh dear . I am sorry you are feeling this way. OP, if you feel that a termination would be the best thing for yourself & your family then please feel no guilt about that.

It does sounds from your posts though as if you are not totally against the idea of a 3rd, but are just (understandably) at the end of your tether with PND & HG. You say that you used to run a business but gave it up when your DH returned to work and that you are worried about coping as a SAHM to all three DCs.

If YOU would be happier continuing to work and employing a nanny to help with the children (or alternative childcare if a nanny is too expensive), then please please do that . There are many parents who would not be happy being a SAHP and who prefer to work. They all use some form of childcare to enable them to do this. There is absolutely no element of shirking your responsibilities by working & using a nanny. In the long run, three children with a kind, caring nanny and a happy mother will be much happier, well adjusted little people than three children with a very sad, depressed, unhappy mother who is at home all day but wishing she wasn't there.

But, if I am wrong, and it is not the "coping" that worries you but the actual third child then no, YANBU, to consider not continuing with the pregnancy. Your body, your choice.

[honeybunny14]

Yanbu i was in a very similar situation with being pregnant and still having pnd from dc 1i was terrified and was seriously considering an abortion but i went to my gp who was great he said there so much support for depression in pregnancy i was able to remain on my medication and got cbt as well im so glad i didnt go through with the abortion. But its your choice and no one should judge you for it.

[Ericaequites]

If you don't feel you can cope, a termination would be preferable to an unwanted child. I was a third child, unexpected and unwanted. My mother mentioned this as a teenager.

[need2move]

70 I wish it waa my gp but it was a stand in gp at our surgery.
As someone has mentioned pregnancy is short and the hardest part is settling in, it wont take forever for you to set a routine.
Im still shitting it but ive managed and will have to for the sake of the dc.
Your dh sounds reasonable about a nanny if you can afford it. I understand the palming kids of situation but your trying to do good by them by having an extra adult to help.

[jojane]

I have exactly the same age gap as you will - ds1 had just turned 4 and dd was 2 and a bit when ds2 came along. I spent the first half of the pregnancy very reached from the baby, had no emotions at the first scan at 12 weeks, and secretly wished it was going to show no baby. It wasn't until 16 weeks when I was rushed into hospital with severe stomach pains and I thought I was going to lose the baby that I realised I did want the baby after all.
Ds2 is now 3 and I couldn't love him more, it has been hard with 3, but the older 2 are at school now and ds2 is at playschool and it's getting easier.

[LurcioLovesFrankie]

YANBU to think of it.

I am in the "as soon as possible, as late as necessary" camp when it comes to women's right to choose what is best for them and their existing children.

But two things jump out.

First, you didn't consider this till about 2 weeks ago when depression and hyperemesis started to kick in. That's not to say that these are not good reasons (I have friends who have had very severe PND and it seems a totally sane reaction to think "I never want to go through that again"), but it does seem like you should talk to someone professionally trained and neutral about the pros and cons of abortion versus drugs to manage your condition (as some people have already said, there are anti depressants you can take while pregnant).

Second, your reaction to the prospect of a nanny and your automatic assumption that you'd be breast feeding also sound to me like the depression talking. Having had depression (both PND and a period earlier in my life of reactive depression), once you're already down, your psyche seems to take over and you start beating yourself up about nothing/guilt-tripping yourself. I found I couldn't breast feed (though I desperately wanted to) and on top of the PND it became an issue of earth shattering importance. Now, my feelings were as they were, and I'm not seeking to minimise them, but 6 years on I can now see that they were coming from a place where I'd lost all sense of perspective due to being ill (because depression is an illness). I suspect the same thought processes may be going on with you vis-a-vis a nanny. You wouldn't be "subcontracting" being a mother - you'd be getting help with the "grunt work" as I think of it - making sure the laundry's done, someone to chop the finger food while you play with duplo (or vice versa), someone to help with one children while the other has a toddler tantrum (or vice versa). It's not that you'd be leaving them while you swanned off to a spa for the day (and even if you were leaving them - so bloody what? I, due to financial necessity and the fact that I enjoy my job used a nursery 4 days a week with my son - didn't stop me being his mum, or playing with him, or reading him bedtime stories...)

Having said all this, it might equally well be that an abortion is right for you, and that the reason you only started to think about it 2 weeks ago was that the reality only hit 2 weeks ago - only you know this, which is why talking to someone without an agenda to push either way (and counsellors at BPAS/Stopes do not have an agenda either way) would be a great thing.

Good luck (and do get this thread moved to ante natal choices before the loons move in).

[FabBakerGirl]

YANBU to consider having a termination. No one surely would say you did.

I can sympathise a bit as we have three children but ours were planned so we didn't have the shock factor as well.

When DC1 started school he was 4.6, DD was 2.2 and DC3 was 9 weeks old. I never had a problem getting the kids to school in the morning but in the afternoon you would find me parked at the school at 2.15 for a 3.15 pick up to factor in DD's nap and DS2's breast feed. I adapted to their needs and it wasn't a pain to sit for an hour as better than waiting and seeing what the others would do then panicking as I was feeding the baby and couldn't leave or having to wake DD to go.

I also had AND when expecting DC3 and PND after all of them so I sympathise. I had all sorts of horrible thoughts but I know it was the depression talking. I think you need to think carefully as if you do terminate and it is the depression you might regret your decision later when you are well.

My PIL started having the children more once more babies came along, I wasn't palming them off, I was letting them help and letting both sides build a relationship. I didn't find it easy letting them go but it was the right thing to do.

Your DH is offering paid help. Take it! There is no limit to how many people can get attached too and it can make them feel more secure I suspect if they know they have lots of people who love them.

Good luck. I hope you can make a decision that is best for all of you.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

Oh, my dc are 6, 5, 2 and due soon - if I could afford someone to come and help, or convince the local lion tamer to baby sit for half hour - I would!! No guilt at all about wanting to cut out some of the drudge to allow me time to enjoy the little buggers I have created!

[Edenviolet]

YANBU to consider this at all. Ignore unhelpful posts and remember that it is your choice.

The very fact you are concerned about your existing dcs/how you will cope shows that you are a caring person who only wants to make the best decision for your family and yourself.
I had hyperemesis with my pregnancies and with dc3 it was horrendous, I actually booked an appointment for a termination but then cancelled it, the constant vomiting and feeling seriously unwell really clouded my thoughts, I thought I wouldn't cope but when the hg lifted a bit at 24 weeks I felt more able to start putting things into place and getting ready for having a new baby.
That's not to say its wrong to have a termination-you have to do what is right for you I just wanted to let you know what happened to me.

Please consider getting this thread moved to the ante natal choices board x

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

OP have a look in the antenatal and postnatal depression section - I think you may find some threads that ring true for how you are feeling and some likeminded posters who could help you work this out and separate your feelings from the depression you are experiencing.

I looked in there myself at threads about aborting due to antenatal depression - in the end I decided that I just need to keep my head down and get through it, and pregnancy is short really and my DC are small and wont remember that I was so shitty for a while. But that's because I held on to (still hold onto) that I wanted four dc, I separated the feelings between what I really wanted and the depression. The feelings that are skewed with depression are MUCH louder so it is hard.

I wouldn't have felt any guilt if I had decided the other way. Quite frankly its my body to do whatever the hell I want with and thank fuck we live in England where opinions like Marvels don't really matter.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_postnatal_depression

[RabbitPies]

No it is not the fucking same as the orphanage scenario. This thread should really be moved to Antenatal choices before it becomes completely hijacked by an anti choice/pro choice debate.

YANBU to consider an abortion. I'd try to see someone,neutral,ASAP to discuss what is best for you.