To consider an abortion?

[ExquisiteChristmasCakes]

I'm 12+ weeks pregnant (unplanned). This is child number 3. My husband last week has just gone back to his old job, meaning I had to stop my business to look after the children (he was a SAHD but at his work he can earn double what I can). I am suffering from hyperemesis and have done with all of my pregnancies, and now I feel like PND is creeping it's ugly head in. I spent all of last night in tears wondering how I'm going to cope with a newborn, a two year old and a just turned four year old...how am I meant to be doing the school run if the baby is due it's breakfast (bf)? I genuinely don't think I can cope and I feel if I continue with this pregnancy I'll end up resenting my husband and snapping at my existing children. I guess I just feel things would run smoother if this baby wasn't happening. I'm sick of feeling sick and tired and run down to the extend where I can't even be a decent SAHM because I genuinely don't even feel up to driving most days. My husband is fully supportive of whatever is best for me. Please know judgemental posts, I'm really on the edge today.

[kilmuir]

Please don't . I had 3 of a similar age. Used to top up baby before school run. I got very organised. Could you afford some help with domestic jobs etc

[mumminio]

YANBU I'm anti-abortion generally speaking, but you're only 12 weeks and you have very rational concerns. Even the Catholic church used to be pro choice for the first couple of months!

The vasectomy might be taking it a bit far...perhaps in a year or so you might feel ready for an addition.

My mum had 3 kids, and both she and the family broke down with the additional strain. She was SAHM and coped fine with 2 kids but not 3. It was very painful from a child's perspective, and no doubt much worse for parents having to go through it and see children go through it.

My tuppence...book the appointment now, so that you have the option. Good luck with your decision, hope you feel good about whatever you choose to do. HUGS.

[kilmuir]

The first 3 months can be awful, hopefully will get better. Have you got some support with depression

[mumminio]

P.S. My mum had cleaner, gardener, nanny etc and still found it too much. I think it really varies from person to person. You know yourself and what you can manage/outsource. More hugs :)

[ExquisiteChristmasCakes]

I'm going to speak to my MW after my mother has popped over. I hadn't considered an abortion until perhaps a fortnight ago, and it's the procedure (after 9 weeks is surgical) which is putting me off. Perhaps I need to try and organise in my head how it's going to work out and if it isn't go ahead then. Plenty of people have three kids and manage though don't they? I feel like I'm being a bit OTT but the fear is really genuine which makes me think it's being influenced by PND. Thanks for being so supportive, it's made my morning that much easier.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

It sounds like your feelings about SAH, your PND, and your feelings about the PG have got all tangled up together and you might need to try and separate them all out and consider one at a time.

Did your hyperemesis and PND respond to treatment before?

Something like an au pair or mother's help might be a halfway house if you're not comfortable with a nanny?

[RiverTam]

I wouldn't judge for either having an abortion, or for having a nanny whilst being a SAHM - you'll have 3 under 5 - I reckon most of us would love an extra pair of hands in that situation.

I have just 1 DD and it's very unlikely I will have 2, but to be honest I don't think I could cope, and the fact that plenty of people do doesn't alter that. And you never really know how well other people are coping anyway.

It's about making the best decision for you. How does your DH feel about it all?

[LongTailedTit]

I had PND with DS1, and am currently 31wks with DS2, and I had about a month early on where I was sure the PND was back with a vengeance - about your stage now IIRC.
I saw my GP, and we decided to hold off meds and see how I got on - the 'PND' lifted, and I've felt fine since about 16/18wks. I don't know what it was, but it was horrid and affect my thinking on everything, so please try to think about what will make you happy long term rather than what you think will fix how you feel right now.

I absolutely support your choice to abort, just want to warn you that this may not be PND so please don't assume it is.

Seeing as you were initially happy with the pregnancy, and weren't sure your family was complete, you may benefit from a talk with a counselor as well as/rather than someone emotionally invested in the pregnancy - after all, a third DC will have the same impact however long you wait (HG, disruption to DCs 1&2, SAHM etc), so really the decision is whether you want a DC3 at all.

If you do choose to go ahead with the pregnancy, I think a nanny is a brilliant idea, try to leave your preconceptions at the door, you can tailor the position to suit your needs. It would allow you to have some freedom from home, and for life for DC1&2 to carry on more normally. When DC3 weaned you could then go back to work at your own speed.
Also, if PND did hit again, you would have home support already in place.

Everyone always seems to say "Once they were here we didn't regret keeping them", but I know I don't want a DC3, and would be in your exact shoes if we had an "accident". Heck, I'm already crapping my pants about having DC2!

You're under a lot of pressure time-wise, I hope you can make some calls and speak to someone at Marie Stopes or similar today for some help.

[Onsera3]

I think your reasons deserve some consideration but I think the problems may seem bigger right now then they will in the long term.

I know it can be very hard to see options and ways out when you are feeling depressed and hormonal.

But abortion is quite a permanent thing obviously and some of the issues may be temporary ones you can overcome. Eg I'm sure some mums could tell you how to get round the school run/bf issue.

I'd be worried how the abortion would affect your depression also. I've heard hormones can be a bit all over the place afterwards.

It sounds like DH is supportive. Is there no one in RL you could confide in who knows your situation specifically and could help you go through pros and cons?

It just sounds like you are not in a great place emotionally to make a such a big decision without more guidance.

Good luck

[HettiePetal]

Yes, plenty of people have three kids and manage - but plenty of people also choose a termination if that's what's right for them and their family.

It's impossible to know how you'll feel about it in the future, but I tend to think that if you're making the decision for sound reasons, then at least you'll always know that, for you, it was the right thing to do at the time.

You are not being selfish and you are absolutely not being unreasonable for considering this.

But it is ultimately your decision and yours alone.

[BabyDubsEverywhere]

I am pregnant with my fourth, I have had ante natal depression with three of them and nearly aborted every time. I am glad afterwards that I didn't, but I wont lie the whole pregnancy has been a massive strain on me and my DH, not so much the DC as its DHs job to pick up the slack there and make sure they are happy, as I am just not capable of that all the time. I was fine with this pregnancy until I realised I will be stuck at home again. This wasn't the plan but is how things have worked out unfortunately.

I know that when the baby arrives and I can take some medication to help my head everything else will be okay. Depression, in all its forms is an illness. Its not real thoughts and feelings, its all skewed and it only has to be temporary. The situation you envisage will not really happen, you know it wont. Feeding and general baby care is simple, you just plan ahead and its simple really, but under the cloud of depression its hard to see that right now.

With that said I am totally pro choice - my views on abortion are more extreme than most, you shouldn't need a reason above 'I want one' for example. My only worry for you would be if you are prone to depression and you do this whilst depressed, will you be horrified at your actions afterwards which will cause more depression? I suppose I am asking: are you making the decision or is the depression?

[ExquisiteChristmasCakes]

That's a great question. This whole mess didn't come about until I started feeling the strain of PND (which feels the same now as it did after I had dc2). I'm half in the mind that it's just the depression, but if it isn't and I don't act on it then what? It'll be too late.

Currently browsing au pair sites, that may be the answer, if I can half the load? I feel like I'm "palming" my children off though. Sigh.

[stuckindamiddle]

I'll be upfront - I don't agree with abortion in all but the most extreme cases.

That said, only you can decide what to do. Other posters have given good advice. I'd add a few things:

• Honestart is an organisation that provides practical support via trained volunteers to families that are struggling to cope. Maybe find out what support they could offer if you decide to have this baby?

• The newborn period is difficult of course but it doesn't last forever.

• If you feel BF-ing would be too demanding in your current situation then formula or mix feed instead? How you feed your baby once it arrives shouldn't be a factor in deciding whether to have that baby at all. I think the fact you've linked it shows that your thoughts are very muddled at the moment, and PND could definitely be a factor.

Have you discussed a termination with your OH?

I hope you get the help you need.

[RiverTam]

you're not. Don't forget that in many cultures it is normally for people other than the biological parents to be very involved in the care of children. We don't live in that kind of familial society but that doesn't make the fact that just about everyone could do with help with children a lie.

There was a thread a while back about having a nanny whilst being on ML/a SAHM, and soooo many people, including me, said, yep, if I could afford it I definitely would. Your DH has said yes to that - take him up on it. (Personally I would go for a nanny rather than an au pair, but that's up to you.)

MIL had 4 children and there were mother's helps around all the time, and a cleaner - she didn't work, she loved children, but even she needed some help!

[stuckindamiddle]

Sorry - Homestart!

Just re-read and seen that your OH is supportive of your decision either way.

Do you have family or friends who could help out with your older ones for the first few months?

In terms of making the decision, is there any telephone counseling you can access? I'm not sure if BPAS,Marie Stopes or Care offer this? Obviously they each come from a different perspective so bear that in mind.

Don't feel bad about an au pair either. Plenty of people have them and those who don't may have other help - family close by etc.

[stuckindamiddle]

River is spot on btw! Society has changed and so parenting has too.

[need2move]

Op do what ever is right for you
....
will pop back in a while to post some more

[feathermucker]

Maybe pop onto one of the parenting boards and see how people with 3 close in age manage? That might give you some reassurance.

Glad your husband is being supportive, hope you make the decision which is right for you and your family xxx

[Fancynancypants1]

Hi Exquisite, I really feel for you. Have you considered the risk of mental anguish an abortion may cause? It can lead to regret and problems with the relationship later on. I think the fact you are neawtly past the first trimester suggests you do want to keep this unborn baby.

I think you need to discuss your feelings with your gp and close family so they can offer support.
This child could have a wonderful life and bring you joy.

The sickness should stop soon and you have dealt with stress and PND before. You can do it again.

I hppe uptu keep your baby and overcome your reservations. Lots of love to you.

[Abra1d]

You were initially happy about the pregnancy and I would be careful about not making an irreversible decision at a moment when you feel, understandbly, panicked and worried. Are these problems all insurmountable, if you want to have a third child? Waiting a few years won't necessarily make things easier. Older children may be less physically dependent, but they do more activities after school and need more support with school work. Also, if you do want to go back to work on completing your family, a small age range is helpful.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[ikeaismylocal]

I'm sorry you are feeling like this, it must be really difficult for you.

Is your sickness being treated? Could you get some sort of home help whilst your pregnant so your older children can have some fun outings whilst you rest?

I find that in the early pregnancy stages I worry about all sorts of unimportant things, I am 6 weeks pregnant and I constantly look at houses to buy as I am panicking about space (14 month old ds co-sleeps as will the new baby, logically I know we don't need to move but my pregnancy brain is telling me otherwise) I have been worrying about breastfeeding the new baby as ds is still breastfed I have considered formula feeding the new baby so ds doesn't have to share "his" boobs. I don't feel any bond with the unborn baby, I didn't feel bonded with ds until he was born either, I justfeel like I'm having a baby affair. I am trying to look at these feelings/issues from an objective angle, I knowthat everything will be ok and my feelings will change.

Yanbu to end the pregnancy if you are sure that is what you want but I feel concerned that your decisions are not being driven by logic for example the school run breastfeeding issue you could just mix feed or formula feed. Having additional help if you can afford it is in no way something to be ashamed of.

[LongTailedTit]

If this has all genuinely been prompted by the PND again, then please see someone ASAP! As I said, what I thought was mine returning again wasn't, yet I was very unhappy, crying daily, dreading the first year, throwing stuff (even dented the fridge ), and was sure I didn't want the baby.
It went on for a while, I really did think it was antenatal depression, and yet it passed without ADs. I honestly do feel fine now.

And you would absolutely not be 'palming the kids off' - that phrase only applies to people who can't be bothered with/stand the sight of their own DC!
My mum had a mother's help/nanny when DSis and I were small then au pairs when we were a bit older. It was simply a practical solution to a problem. It was teamwork, not palming us off, and worked out very well.

Reading your posts, it seems to me that wanting a termination is a symptom of the depression and HG rather than a solution to not wanting a third child? Otherwise surely you wouldn't have been pleased to be pregnant initially?

[need2move]

Im around 4 month's pg. Unplanned 3rd pg. 1 dc has sn and is always in hospital. Dc2 is always dragged along with me as theres no one else to look after him. After having my babies im always ill so im in hospital a few weeks (hdu) and an hour after finding out I was pg I looked at marie stopes. Was going to go through with it but I cant. I told dm and she insisted I kept it. Dh was happy either way. Im nervous about having 3. Im young and tied to my kids and I was happy with 2 but im coming around the idea of another. I do love kids I dontwant any of them to asuffer because 'of each other' but I can only do my best for them. Dh can be an arse too. Doesn't do much around house or with dc as he 'works' but thats a whole different story. Im learning to drive and won't need to rely on anyone to help with appointments or rely on public transport or dh.
All I can say keep your head up, do what you want to do and
as for the pnd and anxiety snap. I have it too. Eldest (sn child) has been really ill past week. We saw a gp who said your smiling now but thats just a mask your broken on the inside as youve put up with so much but don't ever think you've failed as you've done a brilliant job with the kids. He was truly lovely.

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

When I was pregnant with DS3 I worried I wouldn't be able to cope. I took the decision not to even try to breast feed at all which surprised everyone as really enjoyed it with DS2. That way I was able to get a good 4 hourly routine really quickly. I put my toddler in nursery for 2 and a half hours a morning for three mornings a week. My DH said book any childcare you want/need to make life easier. On other days I booked the crche at my gym for my toddler for an hour and sat with my baby in the cafe and a had a coffee so we had got out the house and it wasn't really hard work. DS1 was at school. Once DS3 turned 3 months he went in the crche and I was able to go back to my swimming which was a really positive thing for me. I know I was lucky to have the option of paying for the nursery and it really did help as gave me time with just the baby at home and was far easier than attempting a toddler group. I actually coped fine as I got a routine in place very quickly. It wasn't as hard as having a first baby and I really love having 3 children. Thinking of you.